I will try to make this blog synchronous with my online blog, which I also just started.

The purpose of this blog is to clearly and coherently illustrate a transformation. A change in persona from Beta to Alpha. this is my official first step in logging my journey as I try to rebuild my persona from ground up. In addition to having VERY little time on my hands, this will be the most daunting challenge I have ever undertaken for various reasons. These reasons will soon be made clear throughout this blog. The focus of my learning is to master the art of social dynamics (while maintaining my own natural energy) and interpersonal relationships with women. I begin this journey with personal hindrances such as approach anxiety, low self-esteem, a broken belief system, hemoglobin SC (A mild version of Sicklecell Anemia), and mild scoliosis. In addition to nerve-wrecking field exercises, I will be using materials from Neil Strauss, Mystery, advice from various PUA blogs, Psychology books, NLP material, and just about anything I can get my hands on. Despite all handicaps, I will be putting these materials to the test and I WILL attempt to push forward. Throughout this journey, I hope to gain support from the community in the form of responses to my daily ramblings. As a 25yr old male who is also quite academic, I have seen some very insightful and psychologically sound advice from PUAs around the internet and I will value all the advice I can get. I will aim to standardize my learning process, taking no shortcuts. I encourage you to look at my blog, track my progress and please leave feedback!

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nbjsargent - PERSONA

The true Persona cannot be masked – Mark 00

The true Persona cannot be masked, as I have confirmed during a date I went on, before the creation of this blog. What I am referring to is the creation of what many PUAs refer to as Inner Game. The process of seeing the world through a reality which you have created. This in turn influences your cognitive process and your behavior by greatly reducing cognitive distortion and encouraging positive psychology. It is very difficult for me to achieve this with a track record of mostly negative responses and rejections. The mind wants to remind you of these errors to protect you from necessary approach-induced stress. More on this later.



What I do want to discuss in this post is ‘Mark 00‘. An intelligent HB 9 I met online and somewhat ‘seduced’ strictly through texting with periodic phone calls. I would say that my text ‘game’ is currently my only strong point, as it was quite easy for me to generate interest and later attraction through that intellectual mental seduction that women enjoy so much. From there, I easily introduced playful sexuality into our conversations and within a week she had agreed to drive from Santa Barbara to San Fransisco to come on a date with me. She had seen pics of me, and her anticipation and excitement was extremely high. I was a mystery she was keen in uncovering. She had tons of questions about my Caribbean accent and culture. She generated massive IOIs, constantly tried to qualify herself and I returned her interest. Maybe a bit too much. And regrettably so. I stopped texting other girls and risk developing one-itis. I decided to see her on a Saturday night but changed it to a Friday night because she couldn’t wait to see me. I built up internal excitement and anticipation but still managed to remain calm. She drives to San Fransisco and is staying by her dad’s family. I plan to take her out to see a comedy show by Paul Reiser and an improv performance in the city. I however live in Redwood City, 45 mins away by train, but decided to make this a casual and unique date by taking her to a fun comedy show. I failed to plan appropriately on how I would get her to my apartment. She is a VERY receptive person, so my almost non-existent inner game will be put to the test. On our way to the first location, the taxi driver almost ran over two pedestrians. She was quite shaken lol. The first show ended up being not bad, and there was a hint of invitation for me to invade her personal space a little. She sat on her chair and leaned in towards me as I put my arm around her shoulder. She was under 21, but instead of buying a drink for her, I bought a glass of wine for myself and decided to share it with her. We drank from the same glass. She was content and complied. I failed to escalate through more intimate or frequent touch. On our way to the second location I failed to initiate and maintain any intriguing conversation that’s synonymous to my text conversations. She led the conversation a bit more than I did. I also noticed that she projected her voice much higher than I did. I am reminded that I have to work on projecting my voice with clarity and confidence. Especially because I have a foreign accent. Slowly and unconsciously, BETA behaviors begin to escape me. As it was raining lightly, she had an umbrella, which I soon offered to take from her and hold it over the both of us-but mostly over her. She walked in-front of me. I failed to lead conversation. I felt my established intrigue draining. We arrived to the second location. This is a theater setting and I see signs that I am still allowed into her personal space. I put my arms around her again but failed to initiate more personal touch. She gave me some money and asked me if I could go buy a glass of wine for her, as she didn’t want to attract attention to herself by walking in-front of the audience to get the glass herself. I agreed. We drank from the same glass. (She offered) The final show is finished at midnight and she has to get back home to her dad. We agreed to catch a taxi to drop her back to her place. I slowly realize that through a lack of proper planning, I gave myself no time to share an intimate space with her. As we near her home, more beta behaviors begin to rise. I offered to leave the taxi and walk her to her house. Needy behaviors begin to rise. As the taxi came to a stop I looked at her and said “come here”. Brought her cheeks closer to mine and shared a kiss. Not just a peck but I wouldn’t call it ‘make out’ either. Her lips were tense. I came out of the cab with her, told her I wanted to see her tomorrow night (Saturday night) and she said “of course, just text me) and I gestured for her to come closer again and I kissed her one more time on the lips. Still tense. Next day of course I would do what I should’ve done and invited her to my place, which she agreed to. She says she’s spending time with her family throughout the day. 7PM arrives, and I text:

Me: “Just touching base with you to see if you’ll be able to make it tonight or not. If you can’t, let me know”

Her: “I should still be able to. After dinner”

Me: “Alright thanks for letting me know, Just for planning purposes on my part. I’ll be here till whenever”

Her: “Okay cool . It’ll probably be in 2 hours. “

Me. “Fine by me. See you soon “

8:02 pm

Her. “Hey I’m so disappointed I don’t think I’m going to be able to get away early enough :/. Just family stuff. But I will see you in a few weeks when I come back! (When she comes back to San Fransisco maybe December 4th or something like that)

Me: “lol. You sure? How late will you be out for? It will be a huge disappointment especially since I prepared for today” < Massive beta response

Her: “I will try. I prepared for it also. It’s just sometimes family stuff has to come first”

Me: “I do understand. But It’s still sort of early if you ask me. Unless you’re tied of course. Anyways, Just um…keep me updated because if you still can’t come in the next 2 hrs I would rather get out of here and go into the city anyways….”
Her: “Okay I’ll def let you know”

Me: “You can give yourself a few more hours. Even if I steal you away for just 2 hours you’ll enjoy it trust me. Lets make the most of the weekend” < At this point my text game completely destroyed.

Her: “I’ll let you know “

Me. “No prob!”

[No response. I forfeit the night and everything else in disappointment]

10:30PM

Me: “Young lady. I just want to wish you a safe trip on your way back tomorrow. And I apologize if I asked too much of you today. I know first hand the importance of family. Hope you had a grand time.

Her: “Thank you or understanding!”

To add more to the damage, I did accuse her for standing me up to which she reacted negatively, assuring me that it’s not the case, and responded: “It’s just I’m not home very often and my family has certain expectations when I’m here.”

Deep down I do not believe her, as even through text I can sense that the intrigue she had for me is now gone. I proclaim it a failed mark.



Where it is quite simple for me to mask persona through text, in person I am still a wreck, with almost no inner game. My thought processes do not flow coherently and I am still slow in thinking. My eye contact leaves much to be desired and my voice needs work. My body posture reverts to beta when I’m not consciously thinking about correcting it. I had established attraction, comfort, rapport all through text and short phonecalls. I would not have even gotten that far if I started in person. However, I still manage to effectively blow it with the beta persona.

_________________
nbjsargent - PERSONA

I did not have much time over the thanksgiving weekend to go out sarging, but did go to a few social gatherings with work mates. This was an environment where I would not sarge. I choose not to intermingle sarging with people I work with.
Met this mark from okcupid, got her number, and within a matter of days established enough comfort and interest for her to agree to a simple meet at starbucks. I did read up a few material on game from pick-up-artist-forum.com, krauser PUA, and chateau heartiste. Other than that, I did not memorize any openers, routines or lines to go in field with. I chose to take the risk to just go in, play it cool, maintain natural conversation and try to escalate. I met her at the location (she was there first, I was "strategically" 5 mins late). We sat down with our drinks and proceed to conversation. She was a petite 19 yr old German in an Au Pair program who has been in San Fransisco for 4 months so far. HB 8. Conversation was natural, we spoke about the difference in culture, then relationships, female comfort and the difference between men and women. I maintained lots of eye contact, moving from her eyes to her lips and back and she returned them with lots of smiles. She had a nice feminine energy and quite compliant. I used words such as comfort, emotional, energy, freedom to express, feminine, passionate etc. to test her reaction. I spoke about my goal as a man (she asked, goals are quite important to her), upon my response her eyes glazed over, she was quite attentive. I tested her with a little bit of humor, which she was not that quick to respond to, but I would say she responded well in general. I had texted her earlier that day about a Cheesecake I baked, which she was excited about. As we got up and went for a quick walk, I initiated a little bit more contact by periodically putting my hands around her as it was getting quite cold. I brought up the idea that she should come back to my place so I can let her sample a slice of that Cheesecake. My place was a few blocks away. She declined, saying that she has to be back home by 7. (Additionally, it was not her car, but her host family's) I ask her if she's sure, since it's still a bit early and she said yes. So I walked her to her car and proceeded to hug her, then kiss her on her cheek. I then bring her in a bit closer and kissed her slowly on her lips. We proceeded to make out in the cold for atleast 1 minute. She was quite compliant and welcomed it much much more than my prior date. After I was done, she said that she really had to go. I opened the car door for her and kissed her slowly on the lips again and said "Ok. Take care. I'll text you.".
With an already subconsciously broken frame, The very BETA text is EXACTLY as follows:

Me: Thank you for making me feel all warm and cuddly inside. I needed that.

Me: Are you back home and safe?
^ I look back at this with disgust.

1 hr later

Her: Yes I am thanks for asking

Her: What about you?

Me: I am quite fine. I noticed something about you.

Her: What did you notice?

Me: You smell really good. And I know it's your natural scent.

Her: Aw thank you! I think that was my perfume tho lol

Me: I get to burrow you for another evening right?

Her: What do you mean by that? with the word "burrow"?

Me: Well I have to take you away from your host parents for a few hours. Like what I did this evening.

Note: I got a few prior hints that this girl is quite literal. Have to be careful with humor.

Her: As long as you don't take me home every-thing's fine

Note: I already got a feeling that she was going to build up strong resistance to me taking her home for the first date.

Anyways, I tell her I'm going to bed and proceeded to send her a random pic of a Panda. She replied with a question mark. I told her that I'm usually very random at this time of night.

Her: Hahaha ok

Me: So don't mind me if I send you random pics of pandas, strawberries and pineapples

Her: Ok I don't mind.

Me. You get to ask me one question before I go to bed

Her: Do you ever sleep with a girl on a first or second date?

I already had a feeling she was going to ask that, and really I should've consulted with an expert before I tried to answer this myself.

Me: I knew you were going to ask that.

Truthfully, I never once did. I had a girl ask me to once though. As a general rule, if things get heated between us, I will make it clear that I WILL not have sex with you. I will always make my intentions verbally clear.

^This was not true for the most part. But it just sounds so wrong reading it now with a level head.

Her: Haha ok good to hear that

I don't reply. I just go to bed. I however sent her a good morning text the next day. I invite her out to watch my latest film with me that night (I'm a visual effects artist) She declined, saying she has classes that night. Some watercolor painting class. Bla bla bla. Later during the day I took a chance and sent her a completely random text taken from the pua blogs:

Me: Hey! I need to ask you something that has kept me sleepless and I want you to be totally honest with me. It might be awkward between us after this but I have to know how you feel. I have kept this in my mind for a while now but I think its finally the time to be straight up and just confront you.... I hope this dosent ruin the relationship we already have. I just need to know and I don't see any other way I could get over this. It wouldn't be fair on me if i don't get an answer. I want you to tell me truthfully no matter how harsh the answer is. I just want an honest opinion....do you rather strawberries or pineapple?

Looking back, this was totally not calibrated to the type of girl I was dealing with. (I should've known better, being international myself I know how different international people handle humor and sarcasm)

Her: Is that supposed to be a joke? That really matters to you? I think now that you're honest with me I should be honest with you...You're a great guy but I don't think there's more between us in the future... We're just way too different. I'm sorry.

Me: HAHA. Yes it was a joke. And that's no problem.

^I should have left it THERE.

Her: I like you and you'll find a great girl! A relationship between us would just not work:) but you're a really good kisser;)

^True, I'm a good kisser, but really, putting that in there is just a technique to buffer the 'bad news'

STUPID, I proceed to stretch this further:

Me: I have one question for you though. Just out of curiosity? How do you know that a relationship wouldn't work? I find it quite facinating that you can look so far into the future. :p

Her: haha I can't look into the future:) but I'm not much of an artist, to be honest not at all, you're way too smart, I'm not dump but you would still get bored...There are just many reason...We have completely different interests...

Note: She again uses complements to buffer the real statement

Me: Completely different interests? And I would get bored? Mmmm. That's a stranger answer considering I never went out with an artist before lol

Her: bla bla bla. I just don't want to get into a relationship with you and you don't want friendship with me...so guess you should just accept it.

Everything here is over. Here are some take aways. Guys feel free to add to this:

1. Allowed myself to yet again become too emotionally attached to this girl and the outcome. I should have made the time to go out and sarge to prepare myself Instead of just preparing for this one date

2. I was not fully calibrated to the type of girl she was. My humor was not well received

3. I actually did not prepare. I do believe that the canned material used with Game Theory is quite useful for us introverts trying to painfully get through the initial learning stages of this craft. I need to respect it more. I need to start using it.

4. I crash and burn after each of these experiments. With my innergame still weak, it just breaks me down. Should I just say fuck it and go sarge the day before, attempting to desensitize myself even with a broken psyche? Or should I wait a few days and recover before I go out on the field again? I think I'm going to not give myself time to recover.

5. I'm realizing more and more the importance of emotionally detaching yourself from women. The stress that I feel after each rejection....I need to eliminate that. As I learned in improv class, sometimes you just have to put your hands in the air and scream with joyous glee: "I FAILED!!!"

6. I need to stop speculating WHY girls do not like me after the first meeting. Is it my height? My smile? My built? (I have trouble gaining weight) My fashion sense? My Caribbean accent? My Skin Color...what is it? This is where I find that a mentor can come in VERY handy for in field observation...

7. I really REALLY need to find someone to sarge with. I am quite receptive to advice and am really quite ready to get over these challenges. It is really quite taxing to do this on your own. But I'm willing to push forward nevertheless

_________________
nbjsargent - PERSONA

I need to start writing these updates right after they happen, when everything is still fresh in my mind.

Been reading up alot of material on game theory but because of my busy schedule, haven't have much time during the week to go out sarging. Actually, that may be just an excuse as I should be practicing game on EVERYONE. My friends, boss, workmates, any random person really. Instead, in-between work hours I've been sarging girls online and setting up dates even with my minuscule response rate. I'm trying to maintain my one-date-per-week quota. This 5'7" HB6 is quite into me, so I spent minimal time chatting up to her on-line before I got her number. She just moved to the bay area for school. She's also 24. Sounds a bit more mature than my last two dates. Also the same height as me. I suggest taking her out but fell short of setting up an actual date. A few days later she text me:

HB6: What are you up to this afternoon?
Me: I get off work at 7:30. What about you?
HB6: I'm not up to much...lol I am off today...

She wants me to take her out. I could, but instead chose to go home and play it easy this time. She tells me she has to work tomorrow so I tell her that's fine and that I'll take her out on Saturday instead. She agrees.

We play around more through text. I tell her that I usually do gesture drawings of people at the parks. She's qualifying saying that she's love to be my model. She brings up meeting her tonight again:

HB6: Too bad we can't meet tonight
Me: True. But we will meet before this weekend is up for sure.
HB6: Cool. It will be nice to meet you!

She text me the next day (earlier she said she would've been unavailable)

HB6: Hey, what r u doing tonight?
Me: Just on my way home. What are you up to?
HB6: I just got home too. I was wondering what your plans were...in case you might be interested in getting a drink or something.

I told her that I might be. If she's willing to wait a few hours. We both agree to just cancel for that night and do it the next day (Saturday)

Saturday I set up a meet at a lounge downtown San Fran. It's pretty low-key, ambient lighting, soft music, kind of romantic. I should be able to perform some tricks easily at this venue. She sends a text a few hrs before the meet.

HB6: Hi ....my money's been stolen today.... I don't think I can afford to come see u.

I was like damn. Someone apparently wiped her debit card clean. She said her mom is sending her money through SPAM until she get the situation fixed. It sounds like the truth to me, as she was much more eager to set up the date. I stopped texting and told her that I'll call her in an hr after I finish dealing with some business. I called her and she said that her mom just sent 50 dollars and that she's willing to come out. I'm thinking that I may have to break the rule and buy her a drink if she do come out because of her situation. It's either that or I cancel all plans. I say yeah, lets do it.

Last moment, 30 mins before the deal she almost cancel again because she's had a stressful day, but I was already close to the area, so I told her exactly where to meet me and she was there in about 10 mins. I always introduce myself with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I'm thinking it as a good friendly kino which gets them used early to me being within their personal space. It's raining as usual and we walk 5 blocks to the location. I didn't maintain eye contact much while we were walking as I was more busy trying to scope out the street names and navigate to make sure we are on track. The area is new to me also. DLV? Maybe.

We got to the area and found a nice secluded area. Talked over some wine and I talk to her about regular stuff for a while. Her passions, etc. I'm maintaining eye contact and she's constantly smiling and giggling, which is just what she does. It's still hard for me to read girls who just always does that. She's very expressive with her hands and I point that out to her. Told her that's she's telling me much more with her hands. I start talking about non-verbal expressions and how I could say so much more that way. "Like this..."
I hold her hands and gently stroke it while looking into her eyes. She's giggling and smiling. I'm utilizing opportunities to kino her wherever possible from across the table. More importantly, I'm actually enjoying the conversation and because of her maturity we could get much deeper in conversation topics. She's very comfortable. I run the cube routine on her (first time using the routine). The delivery could be much better but it did give us more to talk about. I definitely have to practice this routine more and memorize it completely. She asks me what I think about her, if she's what I expect and I think for a split second whether I should qualify her or wrap it in a neg or something. She's been receptive so far and I choose to qualify her saying: I don't go into these things really expecting anything. But I like you. I like your feminine energy. She smiles. She talks about her having a long bucket list. We converse for two hours. I check the time and realize that I have to do some more kino. I'm like "You know what, I'm curious about you."

HB6: What are you curious about
Me: Mmmm. I don't think I should tell you yet.
HB6: Hahaha ok.
Me: Actually...

I move over to her side of the table, sit next to her, bring her close to me for a kiss. I kiss her slow and sensual. She is compliant.

Me. Mmm. Glad that one is off my bucket list.
She's laughing and smiling.
Her: That was quite a surprise.

I go back to my side of the table. (Maybe I should've just stayed there and build more comfort through some more kino??)

We continue talking for a bit more and I'm liking her energy even after I moved in for the kiss. She was still relaxed and actually reached out to touch my turtle bracelet that I was wearing. I'm thinking maybe this is good so far. Time for us to go anyways. She says she's happy and had a wonderful evening. She said she'll have to treat ME next time and I'm like "Yeah. Most definitely lol"

Her: It's really bad not to have any money... (or something like that)
Me: Don't worry about that. Things like this happen. (Wish I could've thought up a more clever line....improvisation skills still low...)

Back to the train station, she hugged me and says "Thank you so much for everything". (I sort of hate when they say that.) I hug her and brought her in for another kiss and told her bye.

I did not confirm another meet time before we parted. I did not confirm that I wanted to see her again before we parted. I wasn't sure how I should've done this. Also, maybe I kissed her a bit too much. Maybe should've kept her yearning for more.

Anyways, I did send her a text the other day and got no reply as of this writing. So maybe it's yet another flake. I'm not sure. I will maybe call in two days when I think she got her stuff sorted out. I was a bit disappointed that I did not receive a text from her after the date but overall I actually really enjoyed myself and the conversation we had. I enjoyed playing around with the game theory concepts and seeing how they work, and trying to analyze the situation. The more I look at these situations as 'projects for self-development' the more I stop getting down on myself when things do not work. I am still very young in this but with every new date, I'm actually seeing areas for improvement.

Notes:

1. Work on implementing negs
2. Work on projecting my voice
3. Work on touching more. Building more kino
4. I have no problem to kiss close, but I should learn to tease more with my kisses
5. Work on push-pull dynamic in conversations
6. Get back into the gym. Being short WITH an ectomorph body type is working against me I think. I have perfect muscle tone. I just need to bulk up a bit.
7. Need more emotionally and visually stimulating conversations
8. Need more sexual energy in my eye contact. (Eye-fuck her more)
9. I still generated too much interest. The interest ratio should be 3-2 according to game theory.
10. Let her chase me more. Be more fearless in my communication.

_________________
nbjsargent - PERSONA

HB6 Continued...

Turns out that it's not over yet. Got a text from her the next day apologizing that she didn't reply to my last text on time. I re-framed to ask her about her bank situation. She told me there's nothing she could do about it. I proceeded to set up a day 2, which she enthusiastically agreed to. Also fed her little feminine vanity a little bit by recruiting her as my 'personal model' for my life drawing sessions, to which she ecstatically agreed. She was an aspiring painter, and so I wanted to try indirectly DHV on her while validating her a little bit (Me, truthfully being the more skilled in fine arts). So that seemed to work.

What DID NOT work...

We were supposed to meet at a park for day 2 and plans fell through with rain, fucking up logistics plus there she didn't meet me where I told her to. I play it cool, but instead of going back home, I choose to give her a call and told her to meet me at my current location. I'm in an unknown location. (In her neighborhood). She would instead walk me to the train station while providing me shelter from the rain with her umbrella. Being a new tenant in her apartment, she was reluctant to invite me into her apartment. I sense this as being a combination of ASD and her social conditioning trying to protect her social status. (She has 3 new roommates, whom she just started to bond with.) I decided not to plow through and declare the night a failure. I take responsibility for this internally as I should've made a more solid plan. We get to the train station and while she's saying goodbye, I put my hands around her waist and pulled her in to show her a text message I sent her earlier, about where we should meet. She apologized for not meeting at the location we had specified. But actually that was just a compliance test to see how susceptible she is to being lead at this point. At this point I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing. She hugs me, and I pull her back in and look into her eyes. She comes in for a short kiss almost by default.

HB6: It's still early so I don't want to get too physical yet...
Me: Well we can't get too physical here can we?

Kissed her again and said bye.

Almost sure it wasn't a good response but I could also sense that if this continues I'll have to work a bit more to re-gain some of the attraction I'd lost.

Game Theory has gone through a series of evolutionary processes starting with the Mystery Method. Currently, I follow Roissy and Krauser, as the concepts they have laid out involves so much more than just game. I am working on internalizing the idea of 'projecting' my value. I am a man of value who has always been too timid to demonstrate that value. I have many hobbies, one of the best jobs in the U.S, I am intellectual, creative and sensual. The list could go on and on except.....

Things I need to work on as of this writing:

1. ALWAYS project value, through eye contact, posture and projecting my voice
2. Relinquish the beta mindset of avoiding conflicts. SEEK conflicts. (Through approaches and being less politically correct)
3. Get more sleep, eat well, exercise.
4. Keep honing my professional skills, regain my position as leader of my social group.
5. Develop a rock solid frame (I guess that would naturally become the result of prior steps)
6. APPROACH! (I'm going to lay off the on-line thing and do actual approaches now)

Notes:
Something happened to me twice in my last two dates that I want to explore more. I am using the following techniques to build rapport: Mirroring her hand gestures, listening to her intently about what she would like in a man emotionally and intentionally using those attributes in stories of my own later in the conversation (Integrating her desired values in a mate into my true stories) using VERY descriptive words, demonstrating myself as a group leader with grandiose plans that she could not even grasp the extent of, and twice I've looked into their eyes and see them gaze at me intently in a state of awe and attraction. At that point, I could touch them more, go up to them and kiss them with ease. Because at that point, the point where I'm most passionate in my expression, they can SEE that I am a man of higher value. However, I usually fuck up in maintaining that attraction. Girls tend to forget in 2 seconds. Unless you f-close good. That, she won't forget.

Developments:
Secured a date with an HB6 Make-up FX artist (traditional FX). The girl is especially talented. This should be interesting, being a Digital FX artist myself....

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nbjsargent - PERSONA