This is definitely a relashionship question, but I need to have at least 20 previous posts made, and since I'm new, I can't create a topic over there

This is gonna be a long post as I'm gonna try to give you as many relevant details about my problem, so please bare with me

I'm a 22 years old game developer who until 4 months ago couldn't even approach girls.Until then I only had a 3 months old relationship, and only slept with a girl who had a very low selfesteem.
Because I didn't have any girls in my life, and didn't know what I had to do I searched on google
I somehow stumbled upon Eric's Disco forum where I found a lot of helpful advice on how to approach women.After a few weeks of approaching, it started to feel more natural to me, and I got a huge confidence boost about myself, and started acting a bit more comfortable around girls.I even banged a girl during my 3 months period of approaching girls

During this time, I was locked in the friendzone with this girl, for 4 years, who's actually the main reason I'm making this post.After reading some of the psychology of seducing girls combined with my newly aquired confidence, I managed to put a stop to the frienzone.I started acting differently around her, we started making out, and we finally slept together (after 4 years!)

What you need to know about her, is that she's still in a "relashionship".She's with this guy for 3 years, but he's a retard.Playing WOW all day, ignoring her and not knowing how to treat her.But because she's with him for 3 years, even if she doesn't love him anymore, she doesn't want to break up with him.She still has some feelings for him and she says he pitty's him so much she can't break up with him.I do however know she doesn't have sex with him

I tried giving her some ultimatums but they didn't work that great.I'm now out of the country, and I'll get back in 2 weeks.I promised her when I return, things will change.I'm planning on telling her once again, it's either me or him, and we can't see eachother until she breaks any relationship with him(and this time I'll hold on to this promise)

I know this may seem harsh (from her point of view) but I also know it's the best thing to do for us.She really likes me a lot, and I think I love her (that why I want to make this work)
The thing is that she has some emotional issues.She's not a very strong person.She's letting herself get pushed over by other, and doesn't know how to stand up for herself.I'm more on the other side of the barrier.I'm a very independent guy, who know exactly what I want from life.
And because of this, I'm trying to help her out.I'm always letting her know when others are taking advatage of her, and help her out about it.I'm trying to improve her.Trying to make her stand up for herself and become more independent

But because she's so fragile, and my teaching methods not always being the best, she feels I'm criticizing her.She actually told me she wants someone who appreciates her, for who she is, without ever telling her something's wrong with her.But I just can't bare seing her being so weak.

She KNOWS I'm doing a good thing for her, but change is hard and she doesn't want to change even if it's for her own good.So because I'm trying to help her out, she sees me as a critic and can't become closer to me.

So my questions for you, knowing these stuff, are the following
1)If I stand up for myself, and tell her she can't see him anymore, will this help her get closer to me?Is he really the reason she's not allowing herself to love me?
2)Should I continue helping her even if she now hates me for it?I know she feels I'm critizing her, but I'm actually making a stronger person of her, and she'll appreciate it in the end.I'm just afraid she won't be around at the end to "thank" me for it

If you've read this entire thing, you're an awesome guy, and I love you for it (no homo)

Stand up for yourself FOR YOUR own sake NOT hers! Period!
Of course they didn't work, you obviously didn't hold to your word!
Time to Man the fuck up Buckaroo, and do what you need to do, she will either follow, or she won't! As you learned in your approach ability there are plenty more women out there! SHE is not the only one!

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They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

Seriously, you are going about this all wrong. I mean 100% completely wrong. Furthermore, I don't really see a way you're going to recover from this without backing away from this girl for a long time and coming back with a fresh start.

First, NEVER acknowledge the boyfriend.. ever. In your world, he doesn't exist. If she brings him up, ignore her comment. Second, ultimatums are bullshit, especially because if she has a brain, then she'll know you are bluffing.. BECAUSE IT'S OBVIOUS. Third, your approach just reeks of drama and one-itus.

For you to turn this around (something that will be stupidly hard to do at this point), you need to harness your inner-Barney Stinson. You need to be awesome. You need to have a solid social circle/life. You need to have an abundance mentality (i.e. you need to convey that you are a prize and that many other women want to sleep with you.). Most importantly you need to convey your social value by making your interactions with this girl fun and exciting.

Note: Also, most women don't want to be decision-makers, in the confines of relationships. In relationships, most women want to be submissive to men. Submissiveness is a very feminine trait and it makes women feel sexy. They want a man who knows how to lead well, so they can follow. This is why traditional gender roles still work. Trying to change this about her is going to run counter to her biology.. it wont work and she wont thank you for it.

-Wolf

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Screening: drama-free-relationships-1-screening-vt124827.html
Bad Behavior: drama-free-relationships-3-the-soft-next-vt125554.html

You need to freeze her out. Don't talk to her for 2-3 weeks, then come back into the picture, following the advice of others in this thread. This is effective because:

1. You need some time to think regarding this issue: is she worth the obsession? The answer, which may not be apparent to you at this time, is no. Nothing is worth obsessing over. Briefly ruminate over this, then focus your attention to other things.

2. You are currently providing her with the things that her boyfriend isn't providing her. To be quite frank, she's using you emotionally. If you step out of the picture, she has nowhere to go but back to him. She'll eventually realize she's missing something--you.

When you get back in touch with her, straw-man her boyfriend. Straw-manning is stickied somewhere... but what you're trying to do is build up the image of what a good boyfriend is supposed to be without actually talking down about him.You've already told her that you'd be better as a boyfriend. Now make her come to the conclusion that her boyfriend isn't measuring up.

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-Doru

QFT.

Also, she's lying about a few things especially about not having sex with her boyfriend of three years. You don't just stop having sex without thinking of an exit strategy or there's a genuine reason for it(Impotence, secretly gay, etc.).

I'd call it right now and say she's using you. You're not the master in this "relationship", you're the dog she has jumping through hoops.

thanks for your replies guys, they really helped
I took a long shower and I decided I'd rather not have that intense love I'm looking for with her than to push her away with my needines
I will stand my ground and tell her we can't see each other anymore until she breaks up with that guy, and after that, I'll just see where this goes

Well I am glad to help out. Thing is, you cant help a person who doesnt want to be helped. Why would you pour all this energy, time and effort into some insecure girl, raise her up to a feminist autonomous personality, who will then slap you in the face for criticizing her. You have new self esteem for approaching girls. Use that since you have already been effective at bedding a woman.

You seem to be a very intelligent and aware person. This girl must be Über good looking for you to make this intense sacrifice for her in terms of emotional investment. Just try to sleep with her. In the end, she will leave him if she doesn´t sleep with him anymore.

Woah now, that doesn't sound like a good idea. Unless, of course, she's coming to your door every day to hang out with you, at which point I fully condone telling her to GTFO of your life. But telling her that you can't bear to hang out with her unless she's single--that just comes off as super needy.

In essence, you are saying that you're sacrificing your relationship with her for her. You're setting yourself up for failure in making an ultimate declaration. No longer seeing her is a good idea--you don't have to declare that you're not seeing her. Just up and vanish. It's not worth the effort, and I'm pretty sure based on your previous interactions that she'll get it. Occupy your time with other things. You need to sacrifice your relationship with her for yourself, not for her. Therein lies the beauty of the freeze-out: it allows you to build upon yourself. She will come back to you when she's single. And if she asks you what happened, well, you were doing more important things than trying to get her to break up with her deadbeat boyfriend. This isn't a lie at all, self-development is much more important than a girlfriend.

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-Doru

Quoted for truth.

-Wolf

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Screening: drama-free-relationships-1-screening-vt124827.html
Bad Behavior: drama-free-relationships-3-the-soft-next-vt125554.html

We are seing each other for 4 months now
We're sleeping together, and sometimes go out to eat or hangout in clubs
But we never, ever see eachother during the day.Not even during the weekends, when she's not working or going to college
Also, she's not your ordinary girl.She's a psychology self-concious student, who doesn't really go out, and doesn't have too many friends.She's not very outgoing or adventurous, and this might be one of the reason she's having trouble getting used to a more rebelious life style alongside me

So we are in a pseudo-relationship, but I want more than that
Unfortunately, after meditating in the shower, I realized I can't have what I'm looking for, with her
She has so many problems in her life, the relationship is the last thing she wants to think of.That's even the reason she's coming over at me once every 2 days.When we're together, I give her the best time she has.She forgets about her stresful job, her university, her parents and any other problems she has

But I'm tired of that.I want this relationship to be the most important thing in her life, but as you guys and my sister brought me to reality, I can't force that upon her

So in 1 week when I get back home, I'll call her and tell her she can't come over my place until she breaks up with that guy.After she does, I'll keep it casual and force myself not to involve so much in this

I'm doing all this because I think I love her.I have very strong feelings for her as I've known her for 4 years.

But if she continues like this, I'll start hanging out with a guy from the same city I met on a PUA forum, and we'll go meet new chicks.
I should be stupid to dedicate my time and feelings to try and make this work, if she doesn't do the same

Off-topic: This is a freaking AWESOME community, I never expected to get so much support from a bunch of strangers. You guys rule!

So basically you fell in love with a fuck buddy! OUCH!

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They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

There's already a word for "pseudo-relationship". It's called "friendship".
Here's a better idea... just don't invite her. In telling her to break up with her boyfriend, you have made her relationship your business. That's the ultimate involvement in a relationship. Picking up isn't about about making girls do what you want--it's about understanding and navigating social landscapes to cultivate trust between two sexually active people. In telling her to break up with her boyfriend, you not only sound needy, but you're also demonstrating that you don't trust her judgement, and she will most likely respond by not trusting you.
YES! This is the right mindset! You need a mind-eraser. Go out and show yourself that you can feel those same feelings with other women and actually get something out of it. Your thoughts have grown stale and moldy in your brain due to four years of lusting for this one woman. Now I'll be the first to say that I think oneitis is a stupid term. Focusing on one girl isn't a bad thing--in fact, society encourages it. But what you're doing isn't focusing, it's obsessing. Albert Einstein defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." If you keep focusing on this woman, you're going to drive yourself insane.

Argentin, you sound like a smart kid. You seem to understand where we're going with all of this... but all of this obsession isn't any kind of investment. It cost you nothing, and it will get you nothing. Relax, take a deep breath and stretch... and realize that you're too good for this bullshit, and move on.

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-Doru

You might be right, as you're not the only person telling me I'm obsessing over this girl
I'm doing that however because somewhere deep down, I have this feeling that these kind of girls are hard to find.And all the shallow women I see each day, only enforce this believe, that she's one of a kind
But yea, I really have to take 3 steps back and think this through, as it's not ok obsessing over her all the time

Maybe that's even the reason she's not trying to change.She knows I'll be there for her, no matter what

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option!

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They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

It is true.