This is a bit long but bear with me.

I'm 32 and my first relationship was from high school through 1.5 years ago. I was shattered after, but pulled it together even hooked up some with a tight-bodied 19 y/o from craigslist a few months later. She was weird and I couldn't stand her, and ever since then I've been trying to find someone higher quality but constantly regressing. I've done the whole OKC/match thing and even had dates with a few cute girls, but getting them takes messaging WAY too many girls and I haven't gotten anywhere on the dates. I know online dating is messed up for guys but it's my only frame of reference and has completely destroyed my confidence. I've never even done an IRL approach in my entire life.

Lately I've been hung up on the ex and it's destroying me. As more time passes, I feel like I'm never going to have another good relationship with someone I'm attracted to.

I feel like I shouldn't be having this hard of a time with it since I'm decent looking, in shape, don't show signs of aging, cool car, make ok money (75k in a cheap city), educated, etc. I guess there's just something chicks find off about me though. At this point it could even be broken confidence from too much online dating BS. It's hard for me to meet girls IRL though because I have no guy friends. My ex was my best friend and we moved several times together. I made one friend at work but I got a new job where I telecommute so we just text now since he lives an hour away.

What's the best way for a guy to build a social life from nothing? Also, I know online dating is all about the pics, so I'm willing to send the ones I use to respected members so they can tell me which ones are best.

Thanks bros.

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Reading this:
You have no understanding of what motivates most normal woman to feel attraction and thus you are very far from having success with woman, I'm sure you know this. I would start reading some PUa material asap and see if you can change your understanding, PM me for specific recommendations if needed.

And yes you are both doing things wrong and not doing things right. Realizing you have a problem is a great first step.

I would recommend what Detox has said, take some time and read. Read the material, understand what the message behind it is and then once you have set up this framework/mindset, go out and test it in real life. Trust me, building the social life will come naturally after you fix your inner beliefs. For now, take some time out of your day and give yourself some alone time and fix your shit. There is a sticky called the newbie mission, whenever you are ready act the way you want your life to be I recommend visiting the thread and going for it.

I've read a fair amount of PUA material but have a hard time putting it into practice in person. A lot of it seems more geared to bars and clubs and needs to be changed up for online dating. I'm not trying to pull the absolute hottest chicks, just a nice nerdy girl who isn't fat and has a pleasant face. Ironically I seem to get the most interest from extremely normal "love travel and looking for a partner in crime" women even though I have nothing in common with them, and get shot down HARD by nerdy girls. I think I need to make friends somehow first and foremost, because it's hard to practice on occasional online dates, and having no friends is a massive DLV.

And I don't think my focus to this point has been wrong, although I know those things don't close the deal. A year ago I was making half what I do now and didn't look as good physically. You gotta focus on setting your own life straight before you worry about women, although I wish I would have worked on my game at the same time. Loneliness is getting to me so much that I'm starting to lose focus.

From what I can tell, you need a serious mental readjustment. Breakups are tough and can be some of the most devastating in a man's life. You can get girls, but first you need to understand a) what makes you you and b) what women really desire vs. what they say they desire.

Money, cars, and cool clothes can get you girls, don't get me wrong, but those things are fleeting. If a woman decides to have a relationship with you, and your tangibles are the only things you try to show off to her, she'll only be attracted to those things - not you. If those were to go away, what would you have left? If you can't answer that question, this is where you need to start.

It may seem like women are attracted to things like wealth and cars, but don't be fooled. They are actually attracted to the seemingly easy lifestyle they will have by being with you. In the end, a woman really wants a confident man who can take care of himself. None of those "i got fat cash" beta males.

If you still feel lost, i really recommend either david deangelo's double your dating, or john alexander's how to become an alpha male (link in my sig). They both illustrate in great detail what makes a man and why women are attracted to certain males while turn down others (regardless of physical appearance).

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I don't know about all that. You can make friends by going out into social events...in addition, I am not sure about your appearance because it might have to do with the type of girls you are attracting. Cut the online dating crap and get out and get some fresh air. You sometimes have to pick up your balls and go for it. Personally I still struggle here and there but I know it is better off if I challenge my comfort zone and go for it. Like I said, write out what you want and figure it out on your own time. I guess you can keep asking questions here but we can give you all this info and whatnot but you are the one in control of your own life.

Dean and secretaznman are both spot on. Those book recommendations are both excellent. I will say from reading your post its hard for me to believe you have read much about PUA as you seem to have no clear understanding about what attracts woman, yet you seem to be convinced you do.

You should continue online, hit up your nightgame hard and find a wingman if possible, and practice your daygame. Read PUA material, practice, approach-open, rinse and repeat. If you do this things will get better.

Dean and Detox, I've read a fair amount of The Game, Double Your Dating, plenty of online articles. Why do you think my #1 thing is to make guy friends and figure out how to develop a social life? Gotta cop dat social proof. If you guys have suggestions of social events to hit up where it's not weird to go alone, I'll try it.

Aside from that, I need help figuring out what kind of game is gonna work for me. I'm a socially awkward, super smart guy. C&F seems to make me come off like an asshole. When I'm alpha I come off as intimidating. When I'm nicer I come off as awkward and dorky. I can't seem to find the spot in the middle. Think of the likeability issues Mitt Romney has and you won't be far off of what I'm working with.

Also, I'm having huge problems getting my confidence into the right state to be successful. Imagine you had been with one girl growing up and throughout your entire adult life and she loved you pretty much unconditionally. Then in your 30's you're suddenly introduced to what women are really like and how finicky and retarded they are. After over a year of rejection, and having no real past success to look back on, it really messes with your head.

Sorry, double post. Thanks for your advice so far bros.

thats not the #1 or even the number 2-5 things. Of course the more real and available social proof you have the easier things will be gamewise but thats not really game per se; game is actually raising your value in isolation with the woman. You need to work on "you" first off, not making new guys friends and becoming a social butterfly.

as far as the Mitt romany thing goes you just have to tweak your personality and rap enough so its more attractive to woman. You are basically saying "this is the way I am, woman hate it, im fucked". Well perhaps, most of us have come had that problem. You have to change the way you are with woman, and yes that means its a different you. So again, the "just be yourself" shit isnt gonna fly, accept that and move forward. First become attractive around woman then bring back your personality traits that don't suck with woman when you know how.

Bros, I'm gonna make a true commitment to turning things around this time instead of just reading, doing the easy self improvement stuff, and using the online BS as a crutch. Last night I asked a chubby cashier at subway how her night was going and she seemed thrilled to be talking to me. I'm going to make it my policy to say hi to every attractive girl I see.

How would you guys deal with these traits:

-severe introversion: is it best to just pretend to be unavailable/mysterious/make stuff up about what you're doing when you're not with her? what happens when a relationship develops and she knows too much for you to keep up the act?

-nerd/big kid: but outside of work all I want to do is play video games, watch anime/movies, watch UFC, and go to the gym. It seems like every single online dating chick is an "adventurer" who "loves travel, nightlife, and wine testing." Hopefully irl chicks aren't like that. Is this one of those things where being yourself doesn't fly and I need to change things up?

How would you guys deal with these traits:

-severe introversion: is it best to just pretend to be unavailable/mysterious/make stuff up about what you're doing when you're not with her? what happens when a relationship develops and she knows too much for you to keep up the act?


Yes, yes, and yes. Once you are past sex you would be surprised how little of that matters, at least until it becomes a LTR, but that's a quality problem you don't need to worry about right now

-nerd/big kid: but outside of work all I want to do is play video games, watch anime/movies, watch UFC, and go to the gym. It seems like every single online dating chick is an "adventurer" who "loves travel, nightlife, and wine testing." Hopefully irl chicks aren't like that. Is this one of those things where being yourself doesn't fly and I need to change things up?

Yes, Im much the same way, but I crawl out of my man cave to hunt chicks and date chicks. I don't portray any of that unattractive stuff online or during my nightgame, I just emphasis my cooler and more social qualities. Dont feel obligated to be completely or largely honest with woman, I assure you they are also presenting their "Best Selves" which likely have many hidden surprises they arnt disclosing. Dont buy into their frame.

Finally don't just talk to attractive chicks right now, talk to an open as many people as possible and teach yourself to be social. If you just rationalize talking to "Attractive" chicks you will find yourself getting very limited experience and rationalizing non-action.

detox, do you have any hope that you'll meet an attractive girl into the same stuff as you or is that just unrealistic? The girl I was with for all that time was pretty and would game/watch anime with me so it's a big adjustment to make accepting that I might not have all that again. It seems like it would be harder to find the same type of girl cutting all of that out of online profiles. Last spring I met a solid 8.5 through craigslist who was a hardcore WOW player but I went total AFC and blew it. It was a huge setback because it gave me ridiculous standards about what I was looking for for a while.

Yes, that hope is always there, but be prepared to date and hump a lot of woman searching for Ms. right. The better you are with all woman the better your chance with "The One".

Bros, I just took the first step on my journey. I was walking out of the gym, tired as hell and looking all messed up, when I walked past a beautiful woman going in. I said "hi" and she smiled at me and said "hi" back. I think that's the first time in my life I've initiated spontaneous interaction with an attractive woman. In the past I would have made excuses, but this time I just did it. I've made a few posts on PUA forums in the past but they got ignored and turned me off to the game. You guys talking me through it a bit gave me the motivation to finally make something happen.

So some new things:
-I signed up with eharmony, and unlike okcupid where I constantly strike out, I'm doing really well. It seems like I can easily get 3-5 dates per week with very attractive women. At this stage, should I just go out with as many as possible if hot, or should I be selective and limit it to 1-2 per week? Also, what to do about one-itis? I've done a lot of online dating, and every 4-5 months or so I come across a girl who seems really special, but I AFC and blow it. Have a first date with one of those girls next week who seems so enthusiastic and exactly like what I want that I feel myself getting too into her. Any tips to put me in the right mindframe? Don't want to blow it being a jerk and gaming to hard, but don't want to do what I've done in the past either.

-There is so much material out there, way too much to remember and master at the start. What are the simple, fundamental things I should try to make sure I do on a date as I'm starting to learn?