And, hopefully something positive will come out of it.

I havent masturbated for 2 days now, and Im seriously freaking out. I have no idea what I will do to settle my p*nis.

I work out 3 days a week. The trip to and from the gym, and I guess AT the gym, is my field. This is because I study at home. I will in the future study at school, but, again, that is the future. My penis can not think any longer than 5 minutes ahead.

I work out mondays wednesdays and fridays. I got a job for just two days as well, so temporarly my field will tomorrow be at this giant fair. I dont think I'll try to pick someone up during work-hours though. But on the way there and back. And maybe on breaks.

I have no idea at all what to do, what to say. I used to get laid a lot when I was younger. But along the way I lost my mojo to the porn. Because of certain incidents I lost confidence and self-worth and went in to this long period of porn-addiction-sort-of.

But no more.

Any help, would be so incredibly appreciated. Routines, pick-up-lines, whatever. Yesterday was my first day out in the open with girls around me. I couldnt even make eye contact. I gazed over at this reaaally hot chick. And as soon as she looked back at me, I looked somewhere else. I couldnt handle it. It simply was too intense.

But, good news, is that I want to try again. And again. And again.

Besides IRL. I am messaging with two very beautiful women on a forum. (as the pictures tell, but who knows). One of them is talking with me about sex SPAM. She sais she can get laid whenever she wants. But that she doesnt want to get laid often. I dont know what to tell her now really. It began with me basiclly telling her how horny I was. I said, that I need to have sex.

Im 20 years old.

Cant think of anything more to say SPAM. I'll get back here later!

Well first things first you have a LONG road ahead of you. Filled with rejection, social pressure and the odd self image crisis. Get good at getting rejeted is all I'm saying. It may prove helpful to give yourself little "missions" as they were. Such as, i will approach 10 girls in the next 20 minutes no matter how many times i am slapped in the face or kicked in the groin.

As for specifics, there is plenty of material out there, too much.

My favorite schtick, as it were, is LIGHTNING FAST COLD READS. A method, and name, i just created.

Long story short, cold reads are quick attraction pumpers. And you will be rejected, that is all.

Thanks for the answer.

I have a lot of inner deamons in my head that are really hard to get rid of/accept. I slapped a girlfriend 2 years ago. That is something that surfaces when trying to pick up a girl. Stuff like "you dont deserve love, youre a psychopath". Is an almost automated affirmation that really, and i mean really, fucks me up. Even thouhh i learned to control my anger nowadays. And even though she said she forgave me.

Anyways. Im going to a concert in a minute. Goal for tonight is to have a good time. I just need to move past my god damm deamons. Therapy next week as well, im going to find oit if i have any paychological disorsers then. Such as paychopathy, i hope that will help, to shut up myself from affirming myself as a psycho. (and if i am a psycho, well, at least ill get help)


Over and out

So, back from the concert (on the way back home). What happened? First off, i focused on just enjoying the music. I then bought some beers and got a bit drunk. In the middle of the concert, i noticed this really hot chick. For some reason we always ended up next to eachother, even though i moshed hard as fuck. Afte a while, she started touching me. In a quite obvious way. She was interested. But my inner game fucked me up.

I get so easily overwhelmed by my negative inner thoughts. Ita going to tale quite a while to get over my past.

Getting over your past. When I was younger I use to get made fun by my fellow classmates of because of my southern accent I obtained from my mom's side of the family (I live in Chicago). Now over the years this caused me to not want to talk to people, and have other people speak on my behalf. However, sometime in the last two years I came to wondrous realization; some women find my southern accent exotic. Some women even told me they really like "Southern gentlemen."

Now the point of my story is this, sometimes things we view as negative traits about ourselves, really are some our greatest gift. Take some time to become comfortable with yourself. Yes, there are things that we should change about ourselves, and things that just fine the way they are.

_________________
"Long is the way
And hard, that out of hell leads up to light." - John Milton's Paradise lost.

the-adventures-of-ilium-vt134843.html

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thank you for you answer. It was really well spoken.

Since I stopped masturbating, ive been confronted on a whole other level with my negative sides, and memories. Before, when I got horny. I masturbated and I didnt really got the time to really think about stuff. It all just..... You know, disappeared and died with my seamon.

But now, well. Ive thought about it so much more.

Im a bit drunk still, and tired, and right now I dont have the energy really to elaborate on that. But here is tonights field-report.

After the concert, I went out again. I was too excited and happy to go home and sleep. First thing that happened was that I connected with a female at a bar. She was in my perspective a 6. Anyway, we talked, and talked, and laughed, and talked, and laughed. I never really dared to take it further, again, because of my incredibly low self-worth. I got some ideas on what to do to take it further, and was a bit turned on by her. But the low self-esteem won - again. So when our conversation cooled off, and she went to the bathroom I bailed. Went to another bar to see if I could find some friends there. Which I did. Said hello, then went back because I wanted to see her again. I saw her, she was talking to another guy. I wasnt disapoointed really, since I didnt expect to have sex with her. The guy disappeared, she went home, I went home.

And here I am.

Again, abandoning masturbation is really what ignites sparks. The consequenses of it is really, interesting and broad. My first goal, I suppose, is, Do not ejaculate until I find a female to ejaculate inside of.

I need to sleep now.

So, bye for now.

So, I failed. I just rubbed one out. Back on square one.

Do you think that I am taking things too seriously, with the whole chimera thing? It's like I cant stop putting the label "psycho" on me. Im a good looking guy, I've slept with bunch of women. Again, Its is more than unlikely that I would ever hit a girl again after all the anger management stuff and etc. Or do you think Im just really incredibly infected by the one-itis?

It's that Im afraid that Im that guy who's a fucking weirdo, and doesn't know about it. That guy who is really creepy and also scary to hang around with. The guy who really should go get help instead of trying to get laid. That I am intimidating, and that people think Im violent. Even though no one (Besides my ex) ever said anything like that.

Am blowing things up out of proportion or do you thing I should actually go in to celibasy until Im done with the personality-disorder test? I want to believe that my therapist can help me get rid of the chimeras I am describing. "psycho" and so on by proving to me that Im approved by the psychiatry. Or, if I do have a disorder, that they can help me figure things out.

Im really depressed about this.

Realizing how devastating a chimera can be. Ive decided to send the girl I hit 2 years ago a letter.

I already apologized, but its that I feel that that was not enough. So I will write, that if it is possible, I'd be happy to reciprocate for the harm I have caused.

I feel that this can help me get closure for my actions, and that it might help me move past my bad conscience.

I really hope that it will. I want to start building a positive self-worth again. I did before I made the mistake to hit her. I affirmed myself of good things I did every-night before I went to sleep and so forth. This incident, has kept me from feeling that I am worth something.

I want to believe that if I tell her that I'd be glad to rebuild the harm I have done, I will prove myself to not be a psychopath. Since, a psycho dont have the conscience to take responsibility for his own actions?

This is tough!

Sent the letter, and feel quite awful still. But I feel that in the long-term it was for the best!

Also, after beginning to letting this go, other stuff resurfaced that I am quite ashamed of. Stuff I did as a child. I'll mention it to my therapist next week. Looking forward to just putting it on the table and break free from feelings of shame.

I feel like Im really up to good stuff. Turning my life around! From rock-bottom to as high as I can go I suppose.

Also, I got laid tonight. And also, I opened up a conversation with 2 chicks when I was out on the bar. I didnt really use any openers or any of the stuff Ive been reading here about. I just challenged myself to say hi and I did, then we talked and after a while I said goobye and went back to my friends.