Three months ago, I was in a relationship with this girl for about 3 months. One night when she was visiting me, while having sex I came inside her without warning, so she had to take the pill. Bad move, I know. This is the primary reason she cited for breaking up with me... but several other factors such as an open relationship, my drinking problem, and !200 miles between us! were also other reasons. Apparently, while blackout drunk, I told her that I loved her.

I made some changes, and got over her this summer... I think. We agreed to be "Friends", but I maintained no/limited contact. I quit drinking, got in shape, and put myself back in the game. A week after she dumped me, I met a great new girl who I have eventually come to fall for. We have a strong attraction to each other, but she just returned to her college about a week ago (90mi away) and we aren't at the "let's be bf/gf" stage yet. She's also 19 years old, and a virgin. I'm 28.

As new girl left, ex girlfriend returned to the college in my town. This was almost a week ago. She quickly attached herself to me as a "friend". I felt bad about what I did, so I obliged in helping her and being her friend. But soon we were alone at my place, and things got sexual. But before we had sex, she insisted on anal... so I obliged again... it lasted about 30 seconds. I'd never done it before, and I slipped out and put it in her vagina. She freaked out and the mood died instantly. She told me after she dumped me, she started talking to her long time ex again. That she really loves him, plans to visit him in Thanksgiving, wants to get married and have kids with him, etc. This particular guy also dated MY ex LTR, and was the "other guy" while I was overseas. So right now, I have no problem returning the favor, so to speak. A couple days later, things got sexual again, and I lost my arousal after a few minutes of sex.

I've given this a lot of thought. It's been wracking my brain. I've been advised by two of my best friends to not fuck my ex. She is probably a threat to the potential relationship with new girl. Logically, I do NOT want my ex back as a girlfriend, but as the sex used to be quite good I would love to have a good FWB around. She has been cooking and cleaning for me, as well. She was on the phone with her main ex, telling him she loves him, while in bed with me. I know she's crazy. She has to be.

I have a lot of mixed emotions here. I think the FWB isn't working for two reasons. For her, the fact that she fears pregnancy / taking the pill again. She is basically allergic to birth control. For me, it's that she broke my heart. I don't think either of us is over that. And what the hell is the deal with her ex? IF she's so hung up on him, why is she having this secret "relationship" with me? Also, I know I'm in no commitments with new girl, but new girl would probably be quite hurt if she found out I'd been fucking my ex.

I've talked to one of my best (female) friends about this:

"Why can't I get/stay hard with her?"
"Because she broke your fucking heart!"
...
"I really miss the sex, and I don't know if new girl will work anyways."
"If she really does like you, then she will be hurt."

I have the sinking feeling my friend is right. Having sex with my ex is only going to re cultivate those feelings I had for her. Part of me still wants to ruin her relationship with her ex - I'm sure I have resentment for both of them. New girl has mentioned she is glad I am getting along with my ex, but I didn't bring up that we had sex.

I honestly don't know what to do here. I know either way I need to have a serious talk to my ex - I have an unsent letter from after the breakup I can show her. But the choice is mine to continue the sex, try to get back together, or even stay friends with her at all. And that is the choice I have come seeking counsel on.

I guess my main concern is the new girl. If it wasn't for her, I would be risking nothing by fucking my ex.

Honestly I don't care what she feels for her other ex, or anyone else. She asked as part of a condition of our "friendship" we don't parade our other lovers in front of each other. Between that and her actions I suspect she still has some strong emotions for me.

Time may tell. Like I said, I'm mostly concerned about new girl. From my story, do you think fucking my ex would jeopardize my relationship with new girl? Or other women I date? I've made the point before that keeping ex's as (close) friends only threatens future relationships.

if i was you fella i'd get rid of the nutcase, life is wayyyyyyyy to short for drama like that in your life.

Tell her you're sick of her moodswings and not bother with her again

Sorry about the forum rules, it won't happen again.

So I think you guys will be proud of me. I told her a couple days ago that if she wanted to be friends, we needed to talk, but she's blown it off. Last night I figured out that she was hanging out with one of my best friends. They'd also had sex years ago. I questioned her about what they did this morning, and she denied fucking him... but my friend told me otherwise. I didn't blow up his spot, don't worry. He and I have been eskimo brothers before, we don't let sluts like this come between us. Just wanted to confirm she was lying. She denied it up and down.

"A woman like you is straight toxic. I don't need you in my life. Sorry."

She came to my apartment (with another guy friend trailing her, of course) and I gave her any remaining shit back. Cancer = excised.

If new girl asks how my ex and I are getting along, what should I say? I'm going to visit her tomorrow. In a way I feel like I should tell her everything, but maybe I should spare some details unless she asks?

Why don't you say, "We're not" and leave it at that? Saying you cut that ex out of your life and actually cutting her out of your life are two different things. You're still giving it energy if you keep thinking and talking about her. So just stop.

_________________
"Let me ask you something. If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?"

Very good point. Thanks Dr. Jones. I realize that. I need all the encouragement I can get at this point. But having that mindset at one point was a start.

Argh. I've realized just cutting her out isn't that simple. Reminds me of the song "Self Esteem" by The Offspring. It'd be easier if she wasn't going to fuck my friends. And it'd be easier if my "best friend" wasn't so desperate for pussy or in love with her. At least he's not lying to me about it.

Quick question, not necessarily related to this topic. If your ex girlfriend is hooking up with your friends, is it your business to know?

I just want this shit to stop affecting me so much. I swear, I've had some very poor choices in women in the past...

Yeah, I bear no ill will against my friend. We seem to attract the same women, so we decided awhile ago to just not hide anything from each other, and we're much better friends for it. I actually encouraged him to go for it if he had the opportunity - just be honest about it. She already tried to make us both keep sex with her a secret from each other, but we told each other regardless. Bro's before ho's. Back in February, I was hitting it off with one of his ex's and told him if I got the opportunity, I'd hit it. He thanked me for being honest and asked me "have my fun, but don't date her". I fucked the crap out of her for a couple months, then ended it. If I had decided to date her, I would have talked to my friend about it first.

It makes more sense to not share women with your friends. But these things happen, especially in social circle gaming.

Always good advice, Tony. I was actually visiting my new pussy last night, but like I said she's 90 miles away and a virgin. Since college started last week I've gotten a few more prospects/numbers as well. You summed it up well in your first post.

"When you figure out wether you will get more pain or pleasure from this 'relationship' you'll know how to act imo."

I have almost no problem with them boning. She came to me first anyways, but I'm not so down with being "the other guy" as he is. I've got a good prospect with the new girl, and other girls. What my problem is that she insists on being "friends", but also insists on lying about her relationship with my friend. The more I cut her out, the more she pulls him in. I figured it out. I talked to him last night again, and he said he was at her place earlier that evening.... same time I was visiting my new girl. She went to him last Friday because I was on a date with another woman (texted me first). So Tony, or anyone else, if you've got advice on either A) Cutting her off permanently or B) Being friends with her I'm all ears. I think if it wasn't for the lies and secrecy, I could easily be friends (even with benefits) with her. I don't like ANY of my friends to be dishonest with me... can't stand pathological liars.

Her and I spent the majority of today talking. In person. About what we were, what we are, and what we want. In the evening, she was back at my place, and I brought up her and my friend again. She got very upset and denied it again. Against the bro code, I decided to show her the text from my friend where he confirmed it - she denied it AGAIN. Accused him of lying. We took a "pause" to get dinner.

After dinner, she had an online exam to take at my place. I said "I gotta grab my charger from the car" and took the opportunity to meet up with my friend. I told him what we going on, and he insisted he was truthful, and couldn't take the secrecy either. He figured we'd get it all in the open, and didn't want to possibly ruin our friendship over this girl. I thanked him and returned to my place.

At this point, I was resolved that this was it. We continued the pause. We smoked hookah, and I helped with her homework. After awhile, she brought the conversation back up - "so, are we okay now?". I told her we weren't okay. That this was the last time we'd ever hang out. Then, she surprised me.

SHE ADMITTED IT. She broke down crying. Saying she didn't want me to think she was "that kind of girl". I told her I only wanted her to be honest, and thanked her for it. We had a real heart to heart. She then texted her long distance ex and said she was hanging out with me(!!). He called her, and she said "I'm in his apartment right now. Looking at him. I'll call you back in a few, okay?"

I have some peace. I honestly don't know where things will go from here. A lot of our talk today brought closure to the relationship. I don't think I'm in love with her or anything, but I did gain respect for her. I know better than to let her into my heart again. The amount of pressure and fighting I had to put on her to admit it was ridiculous... but it's a start. We can be civil, if nothing else. Thanks everyone for the replies, and even just for reading.