This is kind of a long, somewhat complicated situation, so I'll try to keep it in short bullet points, for the most part.

*Began dating a girl January 2011.

*At the time, was dealing with serious depression issues and drinking too much.

*I was basically a terrible person most of the time, but she still fell in love with me.

*She was a virgin at the time (22 years old), by choice, but wanted to have sex with me.

*I was a dick when it comes to sex, like other things.

*She broke up with me in July of 2011.

*I made serious life changes. Began seeing a therapist for depression/anger issues, stopped drinking as much, got a new job....basically a fresh start.

*She reestablished contact with me in September of 2011, and we began dating again.

*That lasted until January 2012, when she broke up with me again. She claimed she still loved me, but just could not move past how I treated her before.

*She began dating another guy in February, named Alex.

*We were not in contact again until the beginning of May.

*I was a bar, on a date, and she came in with Alex. After about an hour she began texting me things like, "The girl you are with is so pretty", "I hope you're really doing well", "We should get together sometime soon", etc.

*A week later we get together for coffee.

*After that, we start becoming very close again. We talk regularly, we go out what most people would consider "dates." We go for dinners, we go to concerts, we go to movies, etc.

*Keep in mind, I wasn't paying for these things (just incase someone says she must have just been using me).

*During this time I always try to escalate thing with her. I'm always flirty, I'm always sexual, etc. She is flirty as well, but makes it clear to me that she "is not going to cheat on her boyfriend, she is not ready to break up with him, and she is not ready to date me again."

*In the middle of July she finally dumps Alex.

*The next night she invites me to her house for some drinks. We have a great time, plan on hanging out the next day too, so she suggests I just sleep over.

*She doesn't let me do anything, and rejects any sexual advances, albeit in a playful manner.

*Things continue along like this. I sleep over multiple nights a week.

*Then, last Thursday (August 2nd) we are out drinking and she suggests we have sex later.

*When we get back to her place, she tells me, "You have to sleep on the couch tonight though."

*I ask her why, and she says "Well, two reasons. One, is I don't want you to read into this too much. The other is I didn't tell you, but Alex and I hung out last night, it was late and I told him just to stay and sleep here. I promise I didn't do anything with him though."

*Now, I made the mistake of getting overly emotional here. I told her I'm sick of being lead on, I'm sick of her thinking she can do whatever the fuck she wants, and I'm done with all of this bullshit.

*She gets extremely passive aggressive. Tries to take all the blame off her, and put it on me. Says she never lead me on, I made the choices to sleep in her bed, hang out with her, and if I thought anything of it, then it's my fault.

*She starts crying and tells me that everything makes her sick to her stomach. She thinks that we belong together, and there is nobody in the world she cares about more, or wants to be with more than me. BUT she still can't get over the beginning of the relationship, and she just doesn't find herself romantically attracted to me.





So, I know I fucked up a lot in this entire situation.

I have not spoken to her since that last incident, almost 9 days. She has not attempted to contact me either.

She's "fishing" for me to though. Most of her FB posts these days seem to be made solely of things that she knows interest me, or song lyrics about being sorry, and upset, and confused, and in love.....last night went as far as her posting, "I just want to text him so bad right now."

Can it be salvaged at all?

It sounds like she's never going to get over that first phase of your relationship, when you were a dick or whatever.

You're an insurance policy. She wanted to make things work with this guy, Alex, and even though she didn't have sex with you, she hung out with you to make herself feel better because this Alex guy definitely wasn't doing her any favors. You are there to reinforce the attention.

She knows she was leading you on, and she asks you to sleep on the couch to cover for this guy she ISN'T dating anymore? How does that make sense?

Women are good at crying. Don't gauge it as, "She's crying. She REALLY cares!" She's probably crying because her insurance policy is gone, she doesn't care about the other guy too much, and there's nobody on the horizon she could dump you both for.

This is a rollercoaster, and it's going to keep going up and down until you step off it for good.

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"Let me ask you something. If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?"

I agree with your assessment, and it's basically the same conclusion I came to over the past week of not talking to her.

I just didn't know if there was anything I could do to get things back on track.

The thing about sleeping on the couch though, it wasn't to cover for him, it was because she said she forgot to change her sheets and thought I'd be grossed out by sleeping in her bed the night after he had.

This is my first time giving advice, but I have to agree completely with Jones on this one. I know from personal experience once you demonstrate bad behavior (ie cheating, abuse, drug addiction, etc) like you did the first go around the other person will never forget it, and may or not ever get over it. It sounds like she isn't going to let it go. She's definitely using you as an emotional pillow - when she suggested sex LATER, you should have pushed for it RIGHT NOW. I've been strung along myself dude, and it sucks.

Right now you want to get things back on track because at some point things were awesome, and she's become a big part of your life. Don't read into her "sleeping on the couch" excuse - she had you over already, but didn't need your physical intimacy by sleeping with you or having sex with you. She has Alex for that.

Just stay away, keep no contact. If she tries to get you back with promises of sex, make sure she makes good on it or you can just up and leave. Ex's can make great fuck buddies sometimes if nothing else, but if she's getting what she wants (emotional support without sex) and you want more, why settle for less?

As with Dr. Jones, I agree with what you said.

Just to clarify a few things:

*When she suggested we had sex later, we were out with friends, not sitting in her room or something.

*She never denied the sex when we got back, but when she told me stuff, I made the mistake of getting overly emotional and I was the one who told her to fuck off about having sex. Had I just kept my cool, we would have. So that was my bad.

*Regardless of the fact Alex had slept there the previous night, I know she didn't have sex with him, and hasn't since they broke up. That's not me blindly taking her word for it, I know it as a 99% sure fact.

I figured you weren't in a sex location, but I would use that as an opportunity to isolate temporarily / shit test her. When you got to a sex location (her place) something went wrong that made you lose your cool - makes me wonder if she was instigating it so you would. Fact remains you didn't have sex.

Regardless, it's a fucked up situation, and you already know what to do. More power to ya, sir.

My biggest issue right now with no contact is that I know that she knows what is going on.

She knows I actually want to contact her, she knows I'm doing this for an emotional response from her, and she knows I'm trying to get her to contact me first.

It seems like a futile effort because I feel like she isn't being bothered by this because she knows the reason for it.

And why exactly you want to go back to her? She is an ex, and ex for a reason move on.

I actually expected this to be one of the first replies I received.

I'll start with where you are correct, she is an ex for a reason. That is true.

My faults and personal problems where that reason though.


Now, I'm new to this particular forum, but I've been this scene for many years.

When I met this girl, I had not been in a serious relationship for 5 years. And that wasn't because I didn't have the opportunity. I did.

I preferred casual dating, casual sex, one night stands, etc. though.

Meeting this girl changed things though.


Now, even currently, and since our January break up, I've been meeting new girls, dating new girls, having sex with new girls.....but that hasn't changed anything for me.

Sure, I agree with the saying that "there are plenty of fish in the sea."

I'm also sure that I could eventually meet another girl and fall in love with her. I don't believe in a "one true love" or a "soulmate" or anything like that.

But I also don't believe in just "moving on" when you meet a girl that you have a strong connection with and actually love.

I don't give up on anything in life without trying, and just because it's hard.

And what if its a one way street then whats the point? Your just asking for heartache really in pursing this. If she felt the same about you she would have agreed to come back to you, but she can't get over what you did to her. I am not telling you to not try because its too hard, but its a lost cause and I am telling you to cut your looses now before you pay for it latter on. And instead just live life and learn from this so you don't repeat your mistake with the next girl.