Hi guys,

2 weeks ago i went out with some colleagues.
One of them is very hot. (HB9,5)
The night was great, we got very drunk and had a F-close with her.

For the past 2 weeks we have been texting a lot. We went out with the colleagues 2 more times.
The last time they all slept in my house.
She slept in my bed, so i went for the F-close again. (this is one week ago)
Everything went fine, but yesterday we got in an argument and i found out that she thought that i was doing this only to get laid.

I really like this girl, so i want to fix this...

Does anyone have some tips to fix this?
Because i have no clue what to do next..

Some extra information:
She said she wants to take things slow at the moment.. she first wants to get to know me better..
We already agreed to get together for some drinks, but she is always very busy (hanging out with friends/working, etc.) so we didn't set a date yet to get together..

You can make your intentions clear by saying something along these lines:

"I know you think I'm only using you, and I am giving you my word that I am not. I want to get to know you better etc......so if that's how you feel, you can stop talking to me or hanging out with me. I won't bother you or waste your time."

The idea here is giving HER the choice of leaving or staying, and sets you up as a person who doesn't need her. Also, since it's HER choice, she can't blame you if things get messed up.

Just in case, if she gets pissed and says something like, "See, I knew you were only using me and just want to get rid of me!" you just repeat what I said again, emphasizing on the fact that you're not just using her, and that you will not waste her time. Never crack or lose your temper if she still doesn't get it and gets even more pissed, even if you finally do decide to get rid of her.

thanks for the advice!

We talked last wednesday.
After i told her what i wanted to say I was ready to leave, but she said: You don't have to go yet, you can stay for a while..
Her ex-boyfriend would be coming over, but they didn't agree on what time yet, so i guess she was just using me to fill up the time..
I said: I can stay for a while, but not to long, I have to go home soon..

We talked a lot about her ex-boyfriends and she was constantly telling me how masculine her ex-boyfriend is and how much she likes that..
(he was the guy coming over later that night)
I told him: If you like him so much, why don't you two just get back together?
She replied: We will never get back together, we are just to different.

We discussed what had happened between us..
In the end she said it was a mistake what we had done and that we should have been taking it slow.. I just agreed with her.

After a while the topic changed to me as a person.
I have changed a lot over the past 3 years and I told her how much i was still changing.
I said to her: My biggest goal in life is to change myself enough to live up to my potential, so i can be a better person for myself and others.
What i noticed was when we changed the subject to 'me' she instantly changed her body language.
She was basicly looking at me with her mouth open, leaning forward, listening to every word i told her. She looked very amazed/surprised about the way i think/am.

After some time she got hungry and said she was going to kick me out, because she didn't want me to see her eat..

Right before i left i said: Before i go, i want you think about something.
If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
She tought for 1 second and said: You always want to be right, i have a uncle, blah bla, you shouldn't be such a know it all.
Then she asked what i wanted to change about her.
I answered: You already know that, i want to change our past and you smoking (I hate smoking, she knows that..)
I promised her to text her the next day about hanging out again.

When i went home i made a huge mistake.
I texted her: Since i couldn't make you think with my last question, here is another one: What's the deal between us?
Obviously she didn't reply..

Since then i have been a bit needy via text (texting her way to much)..
I realise that now and stopped texting her..

Anyway, she is coming over next monday and need some help, because i don't want to mess up any further..

Some extra details in short (since my post is already way to long..)
All our colleagues are talking about what happened between us.
At first she said she didn't care, but now she says it is very annoying.
Ate first she told me about the F-close that she didn't care it happened and she had fun, but now (2 weeks later) she is saying that it was a mistake and that it shouldn't have happened..

How bad is my situation and can i still fix this?

Like I mentioned before, for a girl that you may want more than just a casual fuck-buddy relationship with, be ready to get out of there.

It's not like you can't go out and get another woman. Just let her know that if she's interested or if she isn't she can let you know, but do not rush her to make a decision.

Then CUT OFF CONTACT with her until she's decided, and go game other women. Tell her that while she thinks about it, you both should keep your distance. Do not text or call for a week or two. Maybe say "Hi" on a weekend just to keep the pilot light going.

Cutting of contact is almost impossible to do..
Since I work with her and we go out with the colleagues a lot..
Thanks for the advice, but telling her now isn't an option.
If I tell her now that i am interested i lose her anyway..
I messed up to much over text..

She is coming over tomorrow, I plan to game her some more and if she shows enough IOI's i will go for the K-close.

Next thursday we are going out with the colleagues, how i will act towards her depends a lot on how she acts to me tomorrow.

If my plan fails i will cut off contact and wait until the end of my holiday.. (1 month)

chick is going crazy cause this shit blew up and now her social circle is aware, asd is up on high, she made a mistake and now it is known that WENDY McSLOOTERSON is big giant sloot around the office and her life is ruined forever (at least this is possibly what she is thinking judging by her timing and reaction, even as ridiculous as it sounds)

did you just want to get laid?
I know you say you didn't, but that leads in to the next question

why do you care if she thinks you wanted to use her, if you actually don't?

wouldn't it make sense she is just overreacting, and you have nothing to prove here?, she will calm down, just worried that she now has some sort of whore rep or something, and doesn't want it to turn into that, when you hookup with co-workers, this is the sort of drama it creates, chicks you can't get away from who can gossip with other co-workers that are also connected to you, and when they want to stir up shit where there is no shit, they can do it, cause you are trapped in their working space and get to watch as others get in on their drama, it can work both for and agaisn't you, but girls are totally aware of their social rep among their peers

what exactly have you done here that is wrong?, what exactly needs fixing?, who is acting crazy in this situation, you or her?, seriously step back and take a look, you like her, and you want to see her again, ok, check no problems on your end, and she.... whoaoaaaaaa wtf is this shit?, you are doing something wrong now cause you like her?, ok... better fix that problem you have... wait, what are you doing wrong here again?

now getting caught up in this shit at work sucks, other guys who want to get it in, listening to their shit and siding with them like good little nice boys doing their best to cockblock any guy just so they might have some chance with her (even though it won't help them at all), other girls understanding just how rough this chick has got it, etc. etc., before you know it, she has some mis-construed idea of who you are, because ted told jenny and jenny told wendy about how you have been bragging non stop, when all you told ted was that you don't kiss and tell... and not only all this but if you start dating someone from work, if it ends bad, that will stay with the both of you, you still have to see each other, you still have to work, this is why hooking up with co-workers is easy, but it's a bad idea

so again, how do you fix your problem? what problem?, it isn't your problem, this has fuck all to do with you, this girl is weird and insecure for thinking your intentions are anything other then what they are, the only reason this would make sense, is if you just wanted to use her for a fuck and this is congruent, but seeing as how it isn't your intention, then why is this ''issue'' important instead of how she is behaving? because that's the real issue here, she doesn't even trust you at all?, why?, she is obviously insecure be understanding of her insecurities and figure out why she is having them, at what point did she mis-construe your intentions? try to find the root cause and the problem will likely fix it's self, as long as you have no problem then what is there to get all bent out of shape for?

She likes you. If she didnt she wouldn't have had sex with you twice.
She likes you. If she didn't she wouldn't bother talking to you about your situation.

Now, You already let her know you dont want just to F her, but what you really want from her remains un-clear (at least to her).

To my opinion: First be clear to yourself what you want from her and what you're willing to do to get it. You want a F buddy? want just friends? want a serious relationship? want nothing?

I completely get you when you say you messed up things with your sms... I kinda did the same, but continued anyways.... Shouldnt worry about that, If she gets back to you then its Cool, if she doesnt, maybe the thrill is gone and you have to move on.

Leave things friendly. If you go out with mutual colleagues be fun and try not to give her much of your attention (that's an advice I've been getting a lot too .

Another thing you could do (which is something that I will do) is plying the "I kinda lost interest" on her... Make her feel like you're like her but you're not that interested, infact, you're willing to cut off the relationship. Like you didn't care mucho. Might have a possitive effect on her ASD shield.

Finally.. Don't let her take you out of your own frame. you're the man, you're the conqueror, you're one who has the answer, you're fun, you've got "it"... Shes just a participant in your life, shes not the main actor, you are. If she becomes cold, its OK; love her that way, dont become resented. If she dumps you, its OK !! She's not the only HB9.5 in the world. If its a problem working together, just WORK man, try to stay low profile for a while until the dust settles....

Now, if she gives you more IOI,s and even if she falls in love with you, be clear about what you want and dont just fall for a girl that gives you IOIs.. (my situation: for a moment, I felt like falling for my HB just because she showed lots of IOIs and she's cute)

Relax, you'll be fine and be sure that whatever the outcome is you'll learn more than one thing.

_________________
".. I will learn all that I've forgotten, I will succeed where I'd previously failed, and even if I don't I wont stop, cuz this is not just about girls, this is about Life "

thanks for the advise guys!
This really helps me a lot!

Just one quick question:
Thursday we are going out with the colleagues..
If I would keep my own frame and not care as much about her.
Then normally i would game other girls that night..

Is that smart in this situation?

I think not, but i want to be sure!
I talked to a female friend of mine and she has no clue about ASD and stuff, but she said the following: Because HB9,5 said she wanted to take things slow, she is now testing me if i truly can be trusted..
So if i start gaming other girls i will fail the test..

Or am i thinking completely wrong here?

It's completely natural: a congruence test.

You say to her you don't want to just Fuck her, and at te same time you're trying to prove yourself to her (talking about you personally, the things you've changed about yourself, etc)

Now If you start gaming other girls while she's there; yes, you set up a frame thats convenient to you: You're not a needy guy who can get any other girl you want and do not depend on a single girl's attention to have a good time, etc.. That's your frame, but at the same time as you said it, You might loose the congruence test.

Now, I'd say its not completely wrong if you game other girls, as long as you don't act too distant (which I think would make her think you're feeling resented or hurt because of her).

Im thinking of 3 possible scenarios

1. Go party and talk to her like you were hitting on her for the first time, make her feel the rush of game, make her feel special but not necessary.. then once relaxed, take it from there, talk about your situation, keep it light, romance her up, make her feel shes talking to a trustful guy. Dont be too persistent in case she doesnt want to talk about it tough.

2. Go party and dont pay much attention to her, game other girls, but dont act distant: She might be testing you and If you do like this girl you want to prove her that you like her (not acting distant) but you dont need her that much (gaming other girls, having fun with colleagues)

3. Miss the party and see what happens: She might text you (why didnt you come?) or something.. See what happens (by not showing up you change her scenario as well) Sometimes girls think ahead as we men do. If she's already thinking of thursday night she might feel surprised if you're not there. Seems you've been going out often with same colleagues. Try not showing up for a change. Make other plans..

Ah and a 4th scenario!... Go to the party, have fun like nothing happend. Do not feel compelled to prove anything. You dont need to game girls to have a good time! Your colleagues will be there ! That should be enough! And you do not need to fix any situation or clarify things with your HB. She's missing YOU, You're the man! You are there to have FUN! Fun doesnt mean to game or to drink or smoke, Fun means many things. Show her you know the meaning of FUN and be amusing to everybody, be nice, talk a lot, say cheers, dance, laugh, etc... You've already made it clear that you like her..

She's testing you but you dont need to either comply with her testing or test her back! Just have fun regardless of what she might think or feel..

_________________
".. I will learn all that I've forgotten, I will succeed where I'd previously failed, and even if I don't I wont stop, cuz this is not just about girls, this is about Life "

if you care about her, why would you fake that you don't?, it's more important to stop caring about what she thinks about, not, don't care about her in general, and that doesn't mean stop paying attention to her, it means just stop reacting to her opinions and what she wants, it's not a priority to stress over what will make her happy, just be normal, but see her insecurities for what they are... insecurities, it's just asd, when some girl has a problem that is not a result of you, but a result of her, that's her issue, maybe you want to be a problem solver and fix everything perfect, but there is no point, this shit is all in her head and as long as your intentions are as you say, and you remain congruent to them, then eventually she will drop it and realize, there is no problem for you to fix, there is one for her to fix, it's just asd

she isn't like that, she doesn't usually sleep with guys so early, you were special
she isn't like that, she won't kiss guys so early
she doesn't want to just get used for sex
she thinks this is moving too fast
she is not having sex tonight

^ any of this shit seem vaguely familiar?

the point is, she likes you, she is just trying to protect her rep, she is insecure about what others will think about her, she doesn't want to be seen as the village slut of the office because she hooked up with you at some office parties and you never tried to offically date her, makes her look bad from a girl's point of view in a social circle, fuck buddies is awesome for a girl, when there are no strings attached, but if it isn't discrete and her social circles become aware, all of a sudden taadaa there are some strings attached, her sexual fun comes at a price, that price is possible judgement from others, may not be a big deal to you, but it's a big deal for alot of women, it's the reason why you can have a great night out with a girl, nearly seal the deal, think it's in the bag, then her bestfriend says she doesn't like you, and BAM, blown the fuck out

you're girl buddy seems to know what's going on, chick has a problem that is none of your concern, it will work it's self out, just don't get weird on her, don't get clingy or start doing some rude or weird random shit and there is no motivation required for her to do something here, really no good reason I can see for trying to make her jealous

just don't don't get needy, be the same usual you that slept with her twice, make it three times

GOOD LUCK

I'm liking the responses here.

Keep your frame strong. If you aren't out to just F her and drop her, and not try too hard to convince her so, she'll eventually see it that way too. If she doesn't then her issues are deep-rooted.

If that's the case, then a strong frame will also convince others around both of you that she's just a paranoid little girl, and that she's lost out on you.

People, not just the girls you're gaming, will tend to fall in when you have a rock-solid frame.

In the past week i have been kind of clingy over text..
So i hope that didn't mess things up to much.
(haven't been clingy the last few days.
i have been a bit arrogant over text, but i tried it in a funny way..)
I love the cocky/funny style, but this was the first time over text.
I guess i tried to overcompensate a bit for the clingyness, so this is still something i need to work on..

She cancelled for tonight (she is sick).
She didn't cancel by texting me, but she cancelled after i texted her..
I texted her (I had a question for tonight) and she answered: I'm still sick (she has been sick since friday).

So next time i see her is probably thursday.

My main problem was that i got emotional attached way to fast and that made me clingy..

Thanks for all the advice!
I will try to maintain my frame, just have fun with her, my colleagues and myself and we will see what happens..

I will keep you posted on the development of the events!

Thansk again, i learned a lot!

So last night we went out again.
Everything went fine, we had fun..
There was no possibilty for kino-escalation. (We were just hanging out at a bar, drinking beer, talking).

But then we went home.
HB was driving and brought me home last.
So we finally had some time together, atleast that was what i thought..
When we got home she said: I have to go, a friend really needs to talk to me..
I made a few joking comments on that and she left.
This morning i found out that those comments pissed her off. (I have no idea what i said wrong, I was a bit drunk..)

Long story short: I go on vacation next week, so we agreed to cut off contact.
When i get back she can contact me if she wants, but i'm not going to put in any more effort..

So i guess this one is done.. (if not i will find out in 2 weeks)

Thanks for all the advice, i have learned a lot!

I think that's exactly the way you should look at it for now. IT IS DONE. YOU'RE DONE. Go out, game other girls, forget about texting and or calling this one. She's out of your life for a while.

If you come back and she wants to meet. Then you're back on

But for now concentrate on other stuff, other girls, other game

And do not stress over her reactions ok? She may be pissed as hell but that should not get you stressed. Keep your act together, your frame strong and you'll be ok.

_________________
".. I will learn all that I've forgotten, I will succeed where I'd previously failed, and even if I don't I wont stop, cuz this is not just about girls, this is about Life "

Now i'm just confused..

I had to work with her this night.
She pretended nothing happened, we just talked during work and it was fun!
Every time our eyes met, she had a look in her eyes and some sort of smile on her face.
I can't really describe it, but i think it was a huge IOI.
There was zero kino, because we were working..

The end of the evening I just asked her: What are you doing next Monday?
So she is coming to my place this monday..

Girls, i really don't understand them..
Should i post the argument we had this morning?