My biggest weakness is socializing with new people.

I have no problem talking to my close friends, family, co-worker's, etc. but I find it so hard to socialize with people I don't know.

For example, before me and my friends go to the bar or a house party, we always pre game and have some laughs and quite often I'm the centre of attention but as soon as we get to the bar I just freeze. I'm not even sure it's anxiety. Even when I do start talking to a HB at a party, it's no more than small talk. I could sense the attraction but then I feel she loses interest to fast. The thing is though once people get to know me, they love me.

How can I correct this?

When your with your friends and family you act like yourself because you don't have to worry about them not liking you because they like you already. But when it comes to new people you don't want to show your real self because your concerned that they might not like you. Thus you don't want to be vulnerable. So what you usually do is go little by little until you feel that the other person won't hurt you and then you show your real self. There is a way to fix this. Stop caring what others think. You have to understand this fact. That you are who you are and if people don't like it too bad. You can't be perfect and there will always be people who don't like you just like there are certain people you don't like. So go out meet new people and be YOURSELF. At first it will be tense and you will feel nervous and you will feel like it's not working for you but with time and practice things will shape up and you will be a pro at socializing.

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"Experience is the teacher of all things"

It's approach anxiety. Just pretend like there's a gun to your head and just "do."

I'm not always sure it is approach anxiety. When you're with friends, you have a history, you know each other well and you have the stories or inside jokes that you can 'banter' about with each other and stuff like that. Obviously you are comfortable around your friends, but you have a sort of standard list of things you talk about, a fall back option so to speak. So you never run out of things to say, because you joke about something that happened a while ago, or wind your mate up about something that happened previously etc. Or maybe you're both big football fans and you know that, even if you run out of other things to say, you can switch to football and talk about it for hours or whatever.

When you're with a stranger, you haven't always got that. For someone who is new to this sort of thing, you might feel fairly comfortable talking to her, but you haven't got anything like those fall back options and you struggle with the conversation. You can't wind them up about something that happened months ago, you haven't got your standard 'fall back option' to talk about regardless of whether the conversation dries up or not.

I think the important thing is to try and find something that you can relate to with the girl early on. Find something you have in common. Also make an inside joke that you can relate back to. This obviously isn't the same as having months or years of stuff to fall back on (like you've got with your friends), but it is a start.

I do find that I'm fine with fairly sociable girls. Girls who like talking about themselves, and are willing to give you information about themselves, so I can make these sort of links - I'm fine with chatting to. However, sometimes I meet girls who are just...well.... hard work. I was out with my wing this Saturday, approached two girls, isolated them eventually and the one I ended up with was tough. I just couldn't find anything to create a "hook", and I ended up ditching it and moving on pretty quick! Most girls though give you something to get a hook with and you need to take advantage.

You underestimate other people. You think you're going to do something that will shock or offend them. But I've got news for you. It's hard to do even if you try. At worst you'll just get and awkward look.

Imagine what someone would have to say to shock you or make your blood boil. Bet it would have to be pretty extreme.

WOW! You definitely nailed it! This is exactly how I feel!

I've never really been that good with talking to girls because I really don't know what to talk about. I mean I'm a bro, I've always been a good friend to my good chums and always have something to fall back on but when I approach a girl. I might say something situational and we might talk for 30 seconds but shortly after I just go dry. It's like I can't think of absolutely anything to say.

I've been reading 60 Years of Challenge and from what I got - it says to put the pressure on them if you have nothing to say. I haven't really got to try this yet but maybe I should. How does it work though?

Me: Hey, you look familiar, are you in my psych class
HB: Yeah, I think I've seen you before, with Mr. Brown, right.
Me: Yup

Then what...

Well the important thing is that you've got to look for the 'hook'. Find the thing you have got in common early on and build on that.

So in the example you give, she says "with Mr.brown right?"

Well, you've obviously got your class in common. I'd actually try and steer clear of talking about the course, because everyone does that. Standard freshers conversation, name? where you from? course you're doing? enjoy it? Boring questions.

But in this example, she has given you Mr. Brown. Talk about him. You must have an opinion. Is he good? Is he goofy? Does he do something that you think is weird or strange? Maybe he's funny? Reply with something like "yeah, Mr Brown. I love him! He makes things so easy to understand but have you seen that jacket he wears? It's like something my Dad would be embarrassed to be seen in!"

Then you've started a conversation about something you've both got common ground in. If she just says "yeah" and laughs, then maybe she's one of the hard work girls. Maybe you just need to try and find another hook. But more than likely, she'll respond by giving you an opinion on the jacket too. "Oh my god, yeah it's bad. It's all the tweed and the checks, it's seriously bad!"

Then you can just play it cool, maybe bring in a bit of light teasing or whatever your style is, all based around that. You will then need to escalate and try to make it more sexual and edgy as you go along, but you don't need to rush that when you're starting out - especially if you're just trying to become better at talking to girls for starters.

Another tip is something I got from here, but I can't remember who so can't credit it. But you need to identify a 'sign post' in each sentence/chunk of speech she says. So in the first example you gave, 'Mr.Brown' was the sign post. You talk a bit about Mr Brown - in this instance, his bad tweed jacket. She then replied about the tweed and the checks. They're a good sign post - maybe tease her about wearing something with checks on, or say you think she seems the type to wear a similar tweed jacket or something similar in a playful tone. She'll then reply something else and you pick up on something else in the sentence that you can progress on.

I'm not an expert on this by any means, but I have found that these two tips - finding a hook, and using her own 'sign posts' to direct your next bit of speech - make conversations much easier. And if you use them, the more you practice, the better you get. I'm sure if you look round/ask on this thread, someone will be able to offer more detailed advice than that, but I think this is a pretty decent start point for you from the sound of things. It's what I have done and you sound in a pretty similar boat to how I was when I started out.

Edit: Oh, and I guess I should say that I'm not entirely impressed with that opener anyway. Using the techniques above, a good conversation starter/opener needs to leave you with the most possibility of getting a hook from her early on. So if you ask "do I know you from my psychology class" or similar, then she can 1) say "no" 2) say "yes" 3) say "yeah, with mr brown right" or something similar. In 1 and 2, you're screwed. It's only in 3 that you've got anything to work with. So you want to ask a question that gives you more chance of getting a multiple-word answer. I suppose you could follow a "no" up by trying to figure out where you do know her from, but I'm not sure that gets much success. Maybe try a more general observational opener.

You might even want to try something out such as "hey there, I just noticed your shoes/earrings/dress/whatever and thought it looked great. where did you get it from?" She's then got to give you something to work with. Even a one word answer "topshop" is something to work on, because you can talk about the shop. it's not a yes or a no, it's always going to give you a hook.

Pressure only applies to sexual tension.

Not random banter.



If you want to make an emotional connection with a girl, this surely isn't the way to go.

Like 7000 suggests trying to find things in common is a way to go. And you can go many ways with that.

Cold-reads and roleplay are great ways to make a connection aswell.

Try reading into those.

The bottom line is that you've got to keep it funny and light-hearted at the start. You'll ease into it, she'll ease into it. If not, move on.






7000, compliments are great. Everyone likes them. But to go as far as to ask her where she got it...

I'd rather get a compliment back. (investement, give/take value, yada yada)

you: "You...are....fuuuuuuckkiiiing cute" (swearing is your calibration to not sound needy)
her: "haha thanks"
you: ~pause~ (keep eye contact)
you: do I get a compliment back or do you need time to think?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand you're in.



In retrospect it could just be you needing to stretch your comfort zone.



You'll have to judge yourself

@7000 I like that sign post idea, I'm going to try and practice using it to anyone I meet the next few days. I also agree with what you had to say about opening with something where she has to give you something to work with.

@Jav you keep saying to ease into it and I'll be in. The problem is I don't know what to say once I'm in or even to ease into it... When I do start talking to a girl, and I can't think of anything else interesting to say, it gets boring and the conversation either ends or turns into an interview.

Yeah that's a good line Jaz. Builds up the sort of cheeky/slightly cocky tension and it's not something she'll get asked very often.

The only thing you need to be slightly wary of with that opener though is where it leads to in terms of conversation skills. I'm not talking about once you're confident in having a conversation - when you're at that point, this opener is fine. I'm talking about if you're going out just to practice a conversation. You need to be careful how you respond to a compliment about yourself.

"You have really nice hair."
"Oh thanks. Erm... yeah... I...erm..."
That's not a good conversation! You need to be able to progress the conversation.

Likewise, you don't want to then use the compliment as a sign post to talk endlessly about yourself. She likes your hair? That's great, and hair is a great 'sign post'. But don't go on and on about your own hair, even though she likes it. If you do that, she'll soon end up liking your hair but getting very bored of you!

But there's no reason that you can't use jaz's opener, use hair as a sign post and then go from there. I don't know, maybe tease her about her own hair (be careful with this, girls can be sensitive about their hair!), or tease her about the type of lad she goes for with a certain hairstyle or whatever. I'm not sure hair is a great example haha, I'm struggling with that one off the cusp, but you get my drift. Just make sure that whatever opener you use, you use signposts and you turn it back to her.

Employ cold read.

Add funny stories that your friends and you talk about all the time - chances are they're funny to her, too.

There's a sequence of events you're going through... Think of it as building a house.

Map the property (Identify your target)
Get the blueprints (devise your approach)
Break ground (open)
Let the slab settle...(establish IOIs)
Build the foundation (THIS is the hard part for newbs)

So... I'll stop there for now. 'Building the foundation' allows you to advance the set at a much more rapid pace. Ask her specifically about Mr Brown... "He always does _________ to me, does he do that shit to you?" Then, if she's connecting with you mentally - walk her through logical steps to describe it. You can make a statement and have that BE the question without feeling like you're "interviewing" her... "Ha Ha.... seriously, he does that? Man, I bet your friends were freaking out!"... By dropping off the conversation, you force her to invest in it as well. But - you don't force her to CARRY it. There's a difference.

Mirror back to her little bits of what she says so she understands you're listening (it's active listening skills - reflecting)... "So, you went to school after you spent 2 years wandering in Europe wasting Mommy and Daddy's money? That's too fucking cool. Tell me about that!" and act as interested as possible!

During the process, always have 4-5 funny stories that paint you in a good light, are energetic, exciting and offer DHV spikes for yourself... Then, as you're both conversing, you start one story, but segue into a different conversation stream. Then, flip back and finish the first story. Then start the 3rd, then finish the second... It's called stacking - you're stacking the stories you want to discuss with her - but what you're really doing is offering a contiunuation of conversation. You never run out of shit to talk about... and you're always calibrating the IOIs for escalation...

Advcanced principal of stacking: You can bounce from set-to-set and always have a hook to return to a previous set with a "Hey, there you are... I didn't finish telling you about _____________".

The overriding key is understanding human dynamics. She talks with her friends the same way you talk with yours. Your goal is for her to interract with you that way. I'm bold - I'll open sets and treat them JUST like I treat my friends. I'll neg, hit, nudge all the time. I've entered a 4-set of women only to have NO idea which I was targeting until midway through fluff with the group - THEN I decided (Those moments are like Christmas and my birthday rolled up into one). You put yourself in a high regard when you show you're confident, FUN, energetic and bold enough to conquer the "friendzone" at the onset.

Hope that helps...


RR

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Women are like ceramic tile.... if you do the prep work, and lay them properly the first time...you can walk all over them for years to come.