| Hey fellas… Sorry in advance for the long post but I’d like to get your advice on my current situation. I began dating a woman with two kids, each fathered by a different guy. She shares custody of the kids between them and the schedule is generally such that she has them most of the week except maybe a day or two, and for three weekends in a row then three weekends without them. Before we became exclusive she knew I was seeing other women and I told her that I’d never wanted kids (even though I like kids) because I value my freedom and that I wasn’t sure things would work out between us.
We decided to give it a go anyhow. We dated for 9 months and we fell in love. About six weeks ago she asked how I was doing with the kids. I told her that even though I liked them, I was actually “dreading” seeing them the upcoming weekend when she would have them. Immediately I caught myself and realized that “dreading” was a bit strong so I corrected myself and said I wasn’t looking as forward to seeing them as I probably should after spending 9 months with them. In the spirit of honesty (we had covered this topic numerous times and I always told her that her having kids was a big concern of mine)
I continued to tell her that I’d generally rather be out with friends or skiing, traveling, etc. than spending time with the kids… and that my favorite times with her was when we were without the kids because it was more relaxing. Finally, I suggested that I was “extremely concerned” because it was now nine months and I still didn’t feel that I’d gotten to the point with the kids that I should be (namely, that I would be excited to see them and spend time with them when she had them). You can probably guess what happened next… she suggested that things wouldn’t work out and that we should probably break up if I still felt that I’d rather spend time away from the kids given a choice, and if I was “dreading” seeing them. So, we broke up and I figured that although I loved her I’d get over her fairly quickly.
The first week was okay (although not great). I missed her. After about two weeks we got together and hooked up a few times. It was at this point that things were getting rough in that I really missed her (hence why we ended up hooking up) and to my surprise I began to realize that I was actually missing her kids! We continued to keep in contact and about 3-4 weeks later she informed me that she was going to start seeing other people. Communication was rocky between us and eventually
I tried breaking contact but I always seemed to give in and contact her again (talk about showing neediness.. yeesh). About two weeks ago I told her that I wanted to get back together with her because I missed her and the kids… and that I realized that to be with her I would need to give up certain things (e.g. complete freedom) because I would need to become a “family guy”. I also told her that I realized she probably wouldn’t trust that I was turning over a new leaf regarding my view of kids, but that I was sincere, and that I was thinking long term.
Since then we’ve been seeing each other periodically but it’s been up and down. Furthermore, she’s telling me that she’s not sure what she wants, that she knows she loves me but she’s not sure she’s in love with me and that a switch was “flipped” when I said the things I said about her kids. She’s understandably emotionally distant and I definitely sense a wall there, but at the same time she’s spending time with me and she’s gotten jealous when she found out that I had been putting out the “feelers” to date other women when we broke up. I admitted that I hadn’t dated anyone else, that putting out the feelers was a half hearted effort, and that I only wanted to be with her. She in turn told me that she had gone out with a few guys but hadn’t done anything with them. Now the turn…
Last night she was over at my house and while she was sleeping I grabbed her cell and began looking at the text messages (she had done the same thing to me a few weeks previous so I figured why not even though I realize the problem of trust here…). I found definitive proof that she had hooked up with guys and confronted her on it.
She admitted that she had slept with four different guys in the first four weeks that we had broken up, and that the first was after about a week and a half of breaking up. She also said that she did it because she was angry with me and that she didn’t have an emotional attachment to any of them. She also said that she lied to me because she didn’t want me to be upset and that she had never cheated on me during our nine months together. She also said that she wasn’t seeing anyone the past few weeks and that she wanted to see where things went with us.
Obviously, I was a bit upset but told her that since we weren’t together I couldn’t fault her too much… but that I was hurt that she lied and that she had messed around with guys so soon after our break up (especially given the fact that she had mentioned numerous times that I was perfect for her and that she wanted to marry me).
The thing that struck me during our confrontation, however, was that she seemed fairly emotionally non-responsive. Granted, I did wake her after she only had 4 hours sleep and she had been exhausted before we even went to bed, but I figured that she would be a bit more interested in talking. She only apologized after I asked her if she was even sorry, and she got angry after awhile because, as she put it, I always want to analyze and talk about things so she feels pressured whenever she’s around me (which I can understand).
She left today for an impromptu trip and although we’ve texted back and forth she hasn’t really been very responsive. In fact, this is the same pattern I’ve seen over the past 5 weeks. For example, I’ll ask her if she’s having fun doing “x” and she’ll answer me… but she never asks me about what I’m doing (and this is completely different from what she’d do when we were together… in fact, when we were together she was, for lack of a better term, very “clingy”).
Now she’s very standoffish and doesn’t seem interested in asking me anything about what I’m doing or feeling. I think it’s because she’s put up a wall since I hurt her by making the comments I did about her kids and because I chose to walk away. This is now compounded by the fact that I’m trying to come back into her life by claiming (truthfully) that I’m interested in settling down with her and the kids. I’d like to give it a shot so I’ve backed off a bit but I was curious as to what you all think she’s thinking and what you would suggest I do at this point…
In an ironic twist, I'm now struggling with the issue of whether or not I can trust her given that she lied to me about hooking up with other guys while we were broke up. It seems a bit cold to go from "I love you and want to get married" to "I just hooked up with four guys in the four weeks that we broke up." It makes me question whether she really cared that much to begin with even though all evidence seemed to suggest that she did.
She also lied to me when she told me that she hasn't told her married friend about our situation... yet I found texts that proved otherwise. Her married friend has been cheating on her husband for awhile now and continues to encourage my ex to hang out at the bars and meet guys with her which also makes me uneasy. I also think her married friend is cheating on her husband with the brother of one of the dudes my ex hooked up with the past few weeks.
My ex says that she's not going to be hooking up with or seeing other guys while we try to work things out... but I don't know that I trust her word on this and wonder if I should walk away despite originally wanting to get back with her. The problem is that if I do walk away it's definitely going to be over since she'll see this as another example of my inability to commit to her and the kids (even though it has nothing to do with the kids in this case). Any advice would be welcome... Thanks...
|
CHAT
