hi there =)

just a quick post before work

Part of me always fears posting on here because there's an expectation of why i made a journal here in the first and i haven't even come close to results. That kind of puts me in a shitty state, then i procrastinate game. Afterwards i feel the need to post here only if something amazing happens, then it doesn't, wash, rinse, repeat. This vid is pretty much how i feel when posting on here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TpmJgSfZ_8

This post isn't game related or for sympathy, more so just me venting while a tad bit feeling sorry for myself, and lastly to use this as a boost to get going with the current situation that im in.

Overall though i'm in a pretty mediorce life situation to where gaming isn't too much of a priority. I have 2 jobs, no car. The pay of the jobs are enough to get me where i need to be. The issue is my housing. I've been renting a room for about 6 months and i got to be out by the first. I was told i needed to be out on may 4th (i payed my rent late) the lady waited till i payed up to tell me (can't say i blame her though). In this time i have been looking, but i couldn't afford a deposit AND first months rent, only on the other. Thus landing me in a predicament im in. Gotta be out by friday with no place to stay.

I mean i tried the whole "ask my friends for help" routine before and that went terrible. So much to where i can't really say have any close friends when push comes to shove. They're not that giving pretty much, of course they'll help me with shit (rides, help moving physically) but i mean actually involving me in their life situations as means to help me? (IE letting me stay there) well that shit ain't happening LOL. And i mean who's to say i can't blame them? I'm a tad mad at myself for expecting friends to come through to such a length. That and it made realize 2 things. 1. I'm not emotionally mature enough, but i can say im a shitload more mature than them, so me expecting help is kind of dumb. 2. people got their own problems. As for my family, father is LA, mom is Atlanta. Father never really helped me out with anything ever so its kinda pointless. Mom is a huge key figure in my life, but she's worse off than me living across the us (i live in the SF Bay). Yea i dont wanna get into too much about my parents lol.

My plan for now is definitely to get storage for all my shit and a PO box. I know i should probably check into a hotel and get those extended weekly stays. The issue i have with that is. I can afford it but barely, pretty much i'll be spending all my checks on the hotel and won't be able to save any real money to get the fuck out of there. I mean idk how i feel. I know if i champed out being homeless for like a month it i'll have all the money i need to find a place. At the same time i HIGHLY doubt i can live on the streets for month.

So im at a loss on what to do? I have moments where i think about this really hard and panic. Because to be honest, im not prepared for it. I'm in fear because i've ever experienced anything like this in my life and i don't know how to go about it. Pretty much feel like a cub going to hang out with the wolves.

The closer its gotten to the first, the less motivation i had for other things in my life. Working out, eating healthy, game, shit even hygiene dude. Although i'm not sad per say, i do think im falling into a depression just based off how i've been acting lately. Especially with women, im starting to get that "whats the point?" feeling and i've been VERY NEEDY around them lately.

So idk what my goals are for now per say. I just now after this graveyard shift and some rest. I'm going to get a storage place and PO box, point blank period.

If you read this at all by chance, thank you.

Number close?

Well I got a new phone, one the nice sart phones(always had a shitty nokia phone). So I was hella exicited about this new phone. Anyway that super hot new chick came in, told her how exicited I was about it. Said I had no numbers and her to put hers in. She complied like it was nothing, so thay threw me off. I was real non chalant about it I doubt she took it serious.

Despite getting her number the main reason why I feel like there's no point. In hittng her up are 2 things. One is ego based, the other through lack of understanding

1. I feel like if I hit her up I don't have a justified to do so, so it would feel awkward, plus isk how to transition it into a meetup. I just feel like it would come as me definitely trying to get in her pants, which I def am, but idk epart of it is me looking creepy or making shit awkward. I feel its more weirder via text that in person.

2. Guys like this girl. Just say were all in conversation they'll all give her immediate attention. Ifk man it just looks real uncalibrated, that or the ones like me. Cool with her then when she leaves talks about how hot she is. Idk I judt feel like any other if I try to run game.
,
But idk though "I think" I know most of u guys would say man up and go for it but I still wanna hear inputs if any
I might text her FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE of hacking away at my ego

Thanks much if you read

I went to a positive psychology psychotherapist for a few months and I learned to tackle negative pessimistic thinking by down a written exercise on paper. It helped me feel a little more powerful and like I could help myself. Try writing every thing that you have down during the day for example

1. showered
2. went to work
3. brushed my teeth
4. etc.

this will help you get moving and do more.

also you can do the ABCDE exercise:

Adversity: the lady said I have to move out by Friday
Belief: I don't have any money.
Consequence: I feel down and hopeless and unmotivated.
Disputation: "I don't have any money" is an exagerration. The reality is that I have a few dollars, I also get a paycheck and I have things I can sell. Let me try looking for another job, selling some things, or find a free place to live until I can save up a little.
Disputation: This is also personalization, it is not 100% my fault that I don't have much money. Part of the reason is that the economy is bad, another reason is that I am young and I am just entering the work force. The more I work, the better I will get at making money!

Adversity: I asked my friends for help and they did not help move or find a new place to live
Belief: I have no real friends and this is a shitty situation
Consequence: I feel depressed and hopeless and I feel bad about myself and resentful of people
Disputation: Let me try learning to be more independent and self reliant and survive on my own without relying on other people like friends or family members. "shitty" is a label. I define "shitty" by having diarrhea, I do not have diarrhea, therefore it is not a "shitty" situation. Let me be more realistic and not exaggerate my problems or catastrophize. Let me define this as a "risky" situation, because I am at risk of being homeless and losing my job. Let me do something about it, such as look for a new room on craigslist, check out the closest shelter, post a wanted ad on craigslist, look for an additional job, sell something, post flyers outside, look in the paper, call the nearest cafe or anything where you can make aditional money.

Last of all, I think that you will learn from this situation. Think of any ways you could save money on things that are unnecessary. This will help you move on.

haven't posted in awhile, but some interesting things happened this week

as for my housing situation im at my friends for free until i get on my feet. Which is definitely a blessing to me. Without him and his mom coming thru like idk where i'd be right now.

Since then i got a chicks number from work and never did anything. I noticed myself falling into a trap of fearing to escalate (fear is still there). But lately for whatever reason things have progressed.

There's another new girl i work with, kinda trained her somewhat got talking, got comfortable with each other i guess. Mind you i haven't even known this chick a week yet. But anyway, i ask her for her number and she gave it up pretty willingly.

The next day she texted me asking if i had a co-workers box cutter (that same co-worker texted about it as well). But it was a simple text convo.

The day after that i decided to finally grow a pair i guess.

Here's the convo

Me: hey *chicks name*, wuts days don't u work?? 9:34am
Her: Monday, Friday, and Sunday. 9:35am
Me: Lets hang out on Sunday =) 9:37am
Her: Yeah I'm down where though? Aha 9:44am
Her: Actually wait..my cousin is moving out of my house this weekend n she meeds help. hb next week instead? 9:49am
Me: Wut day is best for you? 10:05am
Her: Usually Friday's n Saturday's are but i can't this Friday. 10:09am
Me: Yea i feel youi, It's tough cuz i work the days you have off. Next week for sure though! 10:11am
Her: Yea alright sounds good! What days do you work this week? 10:17am
Me At *where we work* Monday, Friday, Saturday 10:25am
Her: Alright well i'll see you Saturday then Take it easy alright 10:30am
Me: Yea for sure, and you to =p 10:34am

Then she texted me the same day tonight randomly a paragraph about work

Her: Hey Brandon, so in August I have to go out of the country for two weeks which means i have to take time off of work. How would that work? Could I get fired or let for taking so much time off? 8:32pm

Me: Just tell them ahead of time, you might have to get ur shifts covered. Wut country you going to?

Her: Alright so should i tell them now? Or wait till July? N i'm going to Fiji

Me: Just tell em now travel girl

Her: Kay thanks buddy

I didn't reply because her calling me buddy rubbed me the wrong way

I know i def could've have made something out of the second convo, with the whole fiji topic and everything (shes half fiji), but i was on the train after meeting up with a forum member here flackbait. ill get into hanging out with him in another post, he's a definitely an intriguing person to me. and i bumped into a co worker on that train on the way to meet up friends whom i ditched to sarge with flackbait.

Long story short i wasn't in a text mood. That last text just really mindfucked me. Mainly because i hella started thinking i was in the friendzone already. I kino this chick quite a bit, we flirt, got her number, asked her out, all that good stuff. Then just seeing the word "buddy" made me feel as if i fucked up somewhere within this entire encounter. Which i could've i dunno.

Mind you it could also be me tweaking out because she's been very receptive for the most part.

Lastly wut i want to do while in this situation is game other girls. The reasons i want it to work out with this girl are all egoic as fuck issues that have to deal with me (me proving to myself/society i can get laid like anyone else). That and when i notice myself thinking of the right thing to say or do for a chick, i know im investing too much in one girl.

Overall shes really cute and i do think shes somewhat attracted to me. I just gotta not be needy and do stupid shit (edit: that last sentence is that fucked up mindset im talking about, i shouldn't feel like i gotta do anything). I already made up my mind i wasn't gonna hit her up by phone until after i see again or if she text me again. I think i gotta use the time away from her and put it into other girls i bump into, at least for now anyway.

thanks for reading =)

Keep pushing forward mate! You're dealing with a heap of challenges.By the time you work through it all you'll be a machine!

Thanks man, i really appreciate that. I'm still a huge work in progress though

06/21/12

Well today has been alright so far, went to work and came home. I don't really plan on doing anything at all today. I have the house to myself for most of the day (friend and his mom are out) plus i been running around for almost 2 weeks straight, so im just gonna enjoy it.

Today on the bus i ran into a super hot girl and froze, didn't approach. I'm kind of glad it happened because it's been awhile, it let me examine my emotions and how to deal with them.

For instance when i sarged with flackbait sunday(shoutouts to you if ur reading) AA was on 1000%, the thought of it just scared me shitless. I feared really bad of making an ass of myself.

After well needed peer pressure from flackbait, i finally approached some really hot sales lady. Made up some bs about buying shoes for my mom, she guided me through like what kind of shoes to get. I think i interested her in a way cuz i had literally no idea what to get, She kept bringing that up. That and when i told her my mom was in Atlanta she was curious and asked about how i'm out here. I said "well that's a whole another story" and i kind of reverted back to the shoes.

Afterwards i felt really good about approaching even though i wouldve bitched up guaranteed had flackbait not been there. I guess thats where having a wing comes into play.

Since i was by myself and froze it made me think of that. Of how i felt afterwards despite my rejecting thoughts. The times where i've seen success with women is usually when i just act and don't put too much thought into what can happen. I wanna try to act on my initial thoughts, because when i do i usually don't give a shit about outcome. It's not the fact of success or failure that makes me sad when it comes to game, it's usually the fact that i did nothing about getting what i desire at that moment. Plus i get those thoughts of what will happen when i just do it.

As for the new work chick, earlier this week i had very needy thoughts about her. A co-worker who i smoke with is hella into her, he brings her up alot. Told me he wants to fuck her, i said "im right there with you bro" he said "may the best man win" and then i laughed.

I number closed her in front of him kinda (idk if that was smart but i wasnt really thinking about who was there, he never brought that up or took it any kind of way so i assume it didnt matter). He's kind of made it known to the rest of us he wants this chick, so everyone knows he likes her. Me on the other hand havent said jack shit about her, haven't made my interest known to anyone except her. Tbh i try to bring her up as little as possible ESPECIALLY AT WORK, because i know it stems from a place of neediness. I've told a close friend and flackbait about the date i'm trying to set up with this chick and thats it, even still i don't wanna be that guy who boast the moment he remotely gets somewhere with a girl. ill be honest though, its hard not to.

The needy thoughts where just shit like, what if shes like him blah blah, any other needy thoughts. I had to put it in perspective that i barely know this chick so i need to chill. That and when i start thinking that way i know it's out of scarcity, i don't own this chick, she doesn't owe me shit, and there are hotter girls literally in the same building.

When you're needy you tend to create and ideal about that person you want, as if you have to do certain things or say certain things in order to win them over, Or as if they're an amazing person because they were at some point giving you value most girls don't, the value can just her looking attractive in front of you to sleeping with you. I can say i feel a bit proud of myself because i don't put pussy on a pedestal anymore. I know it's why i tend to attract girls pretty easy, i don't bend over backwards much for girls i like. Tbh im more likely to be a nice guy with a girl im not attracted to. Its weird but despite still being a virgin, im not desparate. The idea of fucking someone im not attracted to bothers me and kills the whole point. The issue i have with women is expressing my desire for them sexually.

Good game traits:
- decent at attracting
- give girls space
- gotten decent at kino

Bad game traits:
- bad eye contact
- scared to escalate
- scared to be sexual

The goals i have for this week are to

- tell a girl i think shes pretty/cute whatever and not expect shit, just tell her (before saturday)

- to be very sexual with new work chick next time i see her (possibly was thinking about trying to kiss her if were both in the storage room)

sorry about this being long as hell, don't really get to talk about this and its on my ALOT. Thanks for reading though if you did =)

I been lurking around on this forum for a few weeks, Just registered now to say I read your entire 7 pages. Had a lot of free time this morning before work!

I see what direction your going in, trying to do a entire lifestyle change and meet women. Its a hard routine to go thorough but it seems like your doing just fine! Just remember when you get down, Give yourself a million reasons to get back up.

As for your game, from what I read its developing. You asked out that one HB7 via text which is a good start! I would recommend asking out other people as well. Kind of do a social gathering of your co-workers and hit a bar up or go to a shisha lounge (i love hookah bars). Keep up your game and things will naturally come to you by instinct as I've read in your previous journal entries!

I'll be following this as I am in a similar situation, hope you find a place to stay while your in this rut for a bit! Just save money, find a decent room and you'll be fine!

thank you man, i really appreciate that. Hopefully i improve

This is a long post like always, if ur interested, by all means.......

Well today went pretty well, went to a video game tournament then work. New work chick was there finally got to chat her up. At first it was kinda plain, i told her she looked kinda cute today cuz i haven't seen her in awhile. Later she brought up the heat/thunder cuz i was rooting for the thunder.

Things amped up more when i brought up when we go out outside of work. Idk if this was good or bad, it could've been needy, but i wasn't thinking about wether it would be needy. I really wanted to hear a solid answer from her cuz its been like a week, plus i don't wanna try to pursue someone who isn't interested. I think lastly was to show a girl i like her and not just tell her, and i think it could've worked?

Me: *smiling* so wuts up with next week?
Her: wut about next week?
Me : you know wut im talking about
Her:* smiling* idk im helping my cousin move so i can't friday or saturday
Me: i didn't say wuts up with friday or saturday, i said wuts up with this week. There's 7 days in a week.
Her: Wut about next week though?
Me: you know wut im implying, when are we gonna hang out?
Her: well u mentioned we should watch the game but that's over
Me: So we can do other stuff

She kinda started dodging the question, but i kept putting her on blast about it.

Then she grabs some justin bieber stickers and opens them

Her: here lemme put some justin bieber stickers on you
Me: Sure if you're down to hang out next week
Her: *huge smile, but nothing else*
Me: why you tryna put bieber stickers on me anyway?
Her: cuz ur his biggest fan
Me: nah im cool off justin bieber

Then afterwards she has a little flashlight in her hand and she's playing with it. So i just kinda snatched it from her.

After thinking about it, i could've gotten her nervous, i thought i was going in too hard so she was just trying to be poilite, but idk now that i look back she could've been nervous. That or she just likes seeing me chase.

Me: gimme that *takes light*
Her: Hey i was playing with that!
Me: its hella distracting

Then she grabs my hands trying to pry it out. She starts grabbing my thumb and is pulling it back, shes playing with my hand for awhile then i put my hand on hers. Shes still trying to pry this thing out, then she starts pulling the rest of my fingers back.

Me: you're trying to break my hand are you?
Her: Give it to me

(when she start saying that im thinking sexual as shit, she was saying it over and over)

She keeps trying to pry it then i put the light in my other hand and give up. From there shit amped up i guess. I would be with customers and she would like hit me on the head id look back and say like "oh okay its like that?" and she'd giggle. I was doing the same to her to.

Then i wait till shes about to clock out.

Me: Next week right?
Her: *smiling* idk we'll see
Her: I'll text you
Me: fuckin liar!!
Me: fuckin evil ass girl, lying and shit.
Me: it's all good if you don't want to
Her: i told you i was down already
Me: i definitely am getting that vibe that ur just trying be nice
Her: *smiling*

Then we start planning logistics out for a bit, she brings up to it tuesday/wednesday and for me to pick a day since i work regardless

Her: No forreal, i'll text you
Me: alright, well can i get a hug at least?
Her *gives a big hug, puts her head in my chest*

and that was it, i was expecting a text like monday, but an hour later

Her: See! i told you i'd text you, so shhush!! haha But yea im down to chill either tuesday or wednesday, whatever us better for you since you're the one working 10:16pm

Me: LOOOL alright ur not as evil as I thought. How's Tuesday at 5? 10:42

Then fucking like 4/5 hours later

Her: Yeah sounds good!:) 2:44am

Now from here, i noticed a inner game issue i have with women.

1. i get a vibe shes trying to weasel her way out. I looked at our schedules, she works tuesday and wednesday. But it was an reprint of our current schedule. Idk if its meant for this week or next. If so i feel shes gonna give a date only to pull the "ohhh i have work, sorrryy"

2. another inner game issue is I feel as if not necessarily that i don't deserve women, but more so the fact that its hard to see a girl having a crush on me. I always think to myself. Wtf does this girl see in me? then i wonder has a girl ever had those needy thoughts about me in their head. Im sure they have but the thought of that still baffles me.

3. She has another guy on the side, no clue if she does or not why im even thinking this idk, i have im normally not a jealous person, but i really need to improve my scarcity and get other girls numbers, i hit on girls no closes.

With this chick i feel like part of her isn't attracted me, she's just trying to be nice. At the same time she's been complaint, but still. I don't wanna pressure her into anything. Mind you when i was saying wut i was saying i was real playful about it. But idk i feel like she's trying to weasel her way out and not be a dick. But like i said i think thats a inner game issue of me not accepting to myself that my game has improved, that girls like me. Idk im just not used to this feeling of not being friend zoned, so its out of my element.

The co-worker who i competing with this chick with told me after she left

him: bro ur def winning the battle right now
me: haha i don't know man, we'll see
him: yo i would try to go after her dude, but thats all you bro
me: hahaha, thats wassup man, good shit for being a boss and not getting mad at me
him: hahaha nah bro, game recognize game, it ain't no fun if the homies can't have none

i busted out laughing

but yea that made me feel good, it's crazy that people are like noticing me game chicks, idk thats happens more where people will ask me

whats up with you and that girl(girls in general)

and i just brush it off like its nothing. I think i got better at indirect game. Alot better, idk enough to where i feel as if i see a girl and feel like i can attract her. Sometimes doesn't like i would want it to at first but overtime it meshes together. Thats the feeling i get anyway. I try to flirt as much as i can, and i got alright at it. That and its getting easier to amp shit faster.

As for us hanging out, tuesday at 5pm, issue is, I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT TO DO LOOOOL. Honestly i was thinking bowling and jamba juice, then i start having insecure thoughts like, thats corny, too imamture. It's either corny or too much. Despite that i think bowling is best cuz its something active and its chill. I can't really think of shit else. ACTUALLY the fuckin hookah bar LOL hella forgot about that, just thought of that shit typing. So yea either bowling or hookah or something. (any ideas would be amazing, she's under 21 so we cant drink, but i think shes got a fake id im not sure)

I just feel she's def one of those party girls, and im not a party dude, so thats where the insecure thoughts stem from.

Yea im not sure though, i've never really hung out with a girl just me and her, so idk where to go or what to do. I just know to be chill try to escatlate, and im def going for that kiss at the end of the night if the vibe is right

but for whoever read this please help!!!

and thank you for reading.

My advice is if you scored the date for this week, just take her somewhere nice. Its a first date or chill session. Take her to the mall, get a feel of what she likes in terms of fashion and other stuff. Trust me, you can goof off and do a bunch of kino in the mall. like bla bla "this would look good on you" (hold it up on her) then kinda do the whole head to toe thing. Just be quirky, up beat, try to keep her guessing. Kino alot, read the signals your getting from her when you hangout, that will determine if you can K close.

Its not really what you do, but its how your doing it. Hell even a walk in the park can turn into something much more than expected. Read up routines, try to run a few on her.

Im not saying a know alot, but thats just a few tips from me in training.

Well yesterday i went out with new work chick.

the plan was she would pick me up from work then drop me off to my other job(the one we both work at) at 5:30

anyway, she picks me up and is on time, which i found amazing. I told her to wear something cute and she didn't disappoint lool, I complimented on it to.

we went to 7-11 because i was trying to send my mom some money thru green dot, during that she asked me "do you always hang out with co-workers outiside of work." i said "no, figured to try something different." idk if was a good response but she was receptive to it.

Other than that we teased and flirted quite a bit. Kino was there, i get in close proximity and she's okay with it. Clawed her the entire way to her car. She hits me when i joke around, so that it was decent. She also told me a shitload about herself, her ex, about her brothers and how they perceive how she goes out with, her dad, her insecurity about her weight, We even met her sister at target. Her sister knew who i was from jump, which was decent i guess so i knows she talks about me.

After that her sister wanted her to help clean the house because she was having guest. We stalled walking around target for like half hour/45. Then we finally got a the green dot at walgreens, some lady was telling me to take good care of her. At the walgreens i think fucked up, i dropped my wallet, we saw it drop, and a condom i have in there was falling out, i played it off but idk, i think it hurt me.

Then she got me food told me about her weight insecurity (which is crazy to me, shes not fat at all, but i guess thats women logic?) and took me home

here's were i think i was afc as shit. I played it well the entire time till this point. I wanted to give her gas cuz she drove like 2 hours to see me, she said she was coming out here regardless, but idk if thats just her frontin.

She reaaally didn't want me to give her money and gave it back to me. She's a rich girl, shes gonna go get another car this week, and she has the one she's driving and her other car her brother is using. Probably one the best things i like about her, is that she's not materialistic despite having money. She doesn't even need to work. Her dad owns 2 restaurants and her mom is a realtor(im dumb cant spell) whos friends with the lady who hired me lool. It's weird im gaming her, cuz im broke as shit, living check to check, living with a friend cuz i was homeless, while still having to find a place. Funny how opposites attract.

That i was telling her how much i didn't want her to leave. She was calling me sweet for that and called me sweet for helping my mom. Idk those compliments made me feel like such a pussy. After that i tried to get her to kiss me. FAIL LOL. she was like "noooo, i have to be back" i was like "i know just one kiss" even said "please don't make me beg here". She says no again(those long polite whiny girl no's) and i say "okay i can respect that" so i say man fuck it then try to kiss her lips she moves out the way and i kissed her neck LOL.

me: "you don't know how bad i want to kiss you"
her: "im just not ready yet"
me: its, all good.
me(on my r kelly shit): my mind says the logical thing to do is just get out of car, that's the smart thing to do, but my body really wants to kiss you"
her: (playfully) Well get ur body out of my car!!!! starts pushing me out.

so i finally get out the car, say bye, and that was that.

I text her like a half hour later, "i had alot of fun hanging out with you today, you're awesome!" she replied back "thanks, you to!!"

I was hella upset at first, still am. I logically, i just assume she needs time and i didn't build enough comfort?. Then there's an egoic part of me that thinks she doesn't like me like i like her and she'll find better faster. Even though that's clearly not the case, its still a lingering thought in my head. It shows me my inner game is still needs alot of work.

I think about her alot in a needy way to, all the insecurities root from fear of losing her. So i need to work on that, which i have been by doing shit that i'm not too sharp in, like trying to k close. I want her to know i like her without me being needy, so far its been has worked great, except when im by myself thinking about her, start to get needy and i feel oneitis growing if i dont try to get rid of the needy thoughts. I have thoughts like not wanting to get at other girls so i don't lose her, which is fucking retarded. I flirted with a chick yesterday, made me feel good to just think about other women.

At the same time i really do like this girl, the only things that piss me off is that she's always busy and i just want to hurry it up and fuck her already!!! But im playing my cool, she's her own woman and me having problems with her being busy is an needy issue on my part. My ego kicks in though thinking she doesnt like me and is just being polite, when its clearly not the case. ( i feel that way cuz i always initiate to)

Besides that my co-workers have no fucking idea about us, which is kinda dope LOL. They think that they dude who talks about her and her are doing things together. She told me all he does is talk to her about drugs and wants her to smoke with him. I found it hilarious how they were talking about them 2 when i just hung out with her, Never knew i can be discreet lool.

edit: also i never really knew how social proof and pre-selection worked until yesterday, alot of people assumed we were a couple.

I see her at work tomorrow for 3 hours, we talked about how we both never seen deja vu with denzel washington, and i brought up how we should watch it and i really wanted to see her again. She said she was down but she didn't know wassup with her mom.

Another part of me wants to give her space come tomorrow, but we'll see. I really need to focus on finding a place but this is kind of distracting me, that and being lazy.

random shit:
- I still have shitty AA though, it needs to improve.
- Although my indirect has gotten way better than it use to.
- Eye contact is getting better
- Have to view this relationship with this girl out of a place of abundance, not trying to win her over all the time and being needy.

Lastly it's been 18 days since i jerked it or watched porn, new record and still going strong. I didn't even know this chick 18 days ago, the no masturbation has made me wayyy more eager to make moves, its gets tough sometime thought holding this shit in.

Someone please give me insight on what you think and how i should play it out next? im very curious to hear them, critizims to. Usually when i really am fiending for a response no one comes thru, so prove me wrong!

thank you all for reading =)

well today ended pretty mediorce

to say the least i feel really stupid, regardless of everything im about to post, i just can't get over the fact that i feel like dumbass.

saw new work chick at work today, she was suppperrr cold and mean to me, everytime i talked to her she made it seem like i was bothering her. idk wut i did but i just summed up it's her way of saying shes not interested. I can respect that she's not interested, but im pissed that she was an asshole. I just felt it was hella out of pocket and unnecessary, but i mean i guess we all gotta learn the hard way.

I just feel dumb for putting too much energy into this, when i couldve been grinding looking for a place to stay and other stuff. Plus its prolly gonna be awkward working with her now. All that makes me feel like a complete idiot about myself. Rejection hurts alot man, i personally think this landed a good dent to my self esteem. It kinda made me remember why i stopped trying to get at girls.

I guess i just came on too strong, but i mean fuck it dude, can't cry over spoiled milk. My initial thought was "fuck gaming girls" but im gonna use this as motivation to go harder. I made up my mind to sarge more, so i can create an abundance frame (i feel like thats alot of the reason why this didn't work out).

Tbh honest idk where i fucked up, if i even did. I don't feel like a learned anything either. I have this issue with friends to, ill get hella cool with them and they get distant for no reason. So im assuming i have a habit of coming off to strong. But hey you live and you learn.

Im mad at her though cuz i thought it was real fucked up, deleted her number just out of anger. Just cuz ur not interested doesn't mean you have to be a complete bitch. And i know the whole "she could've had a bad day" but fuck that dude. No one would be mean to someone they "supposedly"like and they just went out them a few days ago, no excuse for it.

Mind you i didn't even kiss this girl or anything so thats why i feel like i put too much energy into it. The fact that a girl was receptive exicted me and made me happy. I just don't want to be cold towards women in general or put them all in a box because she was a bitch. I guess its better now than further down the line.

As for her tho dude, next time i see her. Ima play it cool, not gonna be mean. But no more flirting or just even casual conversation. Just a hey hows it goin and thats it.

But like i said i cant get over the fact that i feel really stupid about myself. I feel like im idiot. Now i feel bad about pursuing girls im attracted to. Everytime in my life when i tried it with women i've always gotten the opposite result i wanted. I feel like ive gotten rejected at some point with every single girl. It could be my fault to for having expectations. But idk, i guess this keeps my ego in check but it doesnt help my confidence either.

Im gonna sarge more as a means to put my ego out there more. Tbh i don't wanna do it or game anymore because i got hurt and its the best way to not get hurt. But if you play with fire, you get burned. Ima do my best to use this situation as a motivator cuz then ill know what to if i ever run into again and i'll get over this one.

writing this is right now is helping me alot, i feel like it dented my confidence a little. In the long run this probably will help me.

My goal next week is to sarge more and workout more and gain some confidence.

hopefully that works out

thanks for reading =)

My friend,
After reading your posts I see that you get attached too easily to someone this is kind of the reason why I always encourage you to go out there and waltz out of your comfort zone. On the other hands I see that you are improving, now let's apply that to a more challenging place when we sarge to the "Tigers Den" Once your settled with your housing

Yea dude definitely, that and the urge to talk to tell someone cuz I can't tell really talk about it or I want people to know for whatever reason.

What's good is this situation showed me where I'm needy and how to fix it. So I guess I did learn from this now that I think about it loool.

I took off work yesterday, I think between work/not finding a home/and this situation I just needed to chill. Been working everyday for like a month straight, the whole time I was off I just sat around ate pizza, slept, and watched youtube all day. It felt weird to have so much down time. Now my goal is try to open more, I notices I do it at work a lot without thought. We have these girls at work who walk around in skin tight outfits for our job and I always tell them how hot they are, but with them i don't expect anything. I just do it cuz I actually find it amusing. I also realized I like flirting a lot.

I accepted this situation and forgave this chick in my head. My new goal again open more girls and to NOT try to game this chick or win her back. Just friendzone her and call it a day.

today marks a year when i joined this site, so i wanted to make a post just cuz.

When i started this journal, i was about 40 pounds heavier nor was i groomed, i was failing school, i had just got hired at my first job and there were literally 0 girls in my life.

Now life is different, alot different. I'm in shape, have 2 jobs, no school, and realize i'm attractive in some ways and im way more comfortable around women than i was a year ago. Though even now my confidence isn't where i feel it should be, it has risen. I've approached a bunch of gilrs for various reasons. I went direct on about maybe 2 or 3, and just recently went on a date.

I'd say my improvement is fairly slow, but im a slow learner in general. I realized once i learn how to do something thought i get pretty good at it. I'm still trying to get better at game, but i can say i've improved and i'm happy about that. There's still alot i'm working on, lately my goal is to just approach and work on my inner game.

I'm still a work in progress, i'd like to thank any and everyone who took time to post advice, opinions, and criticisms all of it has helped me alot and i still encourage it because it helps me see my situation from another perspective.

goals for the week

- open
- don't be so hard on myself
- give value to others

Again thanks to all of you for being encouraging, supportive, and helpful towards me =)

It's felt like awhile since i posted and i have a lot to talk about. I failed a fuckload this week, did some shit i personally think was stupid and egoic of me. Despite all of this, i finally forgave myself for it all and learned a few things. I'm feel relieved and at peace and am not as hard on myself anymore.

KFC Girl

On Sunday, was hungry, went with a friend to KFC before we played video games all day. I started a playful banter with the cashier. She was cute, first thing that stood out to me was her lips, one of the few girls who rocked that fire red lipstick well. After i ordered about a minute later, she told me that it would be about a 3-4min wait for the apple pies that i got. So for the wait she gave me a free 2 piece and a biscuit. It wasn't really a wait at all and she gave me free shit so i took that as a huge ioi

Where i failed was i didn't go for the number


Train Girl

Was on the train yesterday, was a cute girl on the train, a smiled and said hi to her and she did the same back. Afterwards she was streching, checking her leg, pretty much doing shit to kinda get my attention. So i opened and asked her if she had change for a 5, she said yea, comes to turn out she didn't, but it didn't matter i just knew i needed to open. She was gazing at me when i was talking, even complimented me on sweater. I was ready to go for the number, but she said bye so sudden as we left the terminal that it threw me off. Was kinda sad about it, because its one of the first girls i ran into that i felt was a tad similar to me.

again where i failed, didn't go for that number

New Work Chick

Just as i thought everything was starting to settle, i hadn't contacted her in like 2 weeks. Out of nowhere i got this book long text.

Her: Okay look, what you did wasn't right but i'm willing to forget about what happened and move on. We'll be cool and work together but aside from that i don't want a relationship outside of work. We're co-workers. I'm not going to hold anything against you so you don't have to worry about that.

i was confused, i thought she texted me this cuz i froze her out.

So i talked to her, she was mad with me because i told 2 co-workers who i smoke with after work about us. Appearantly he told cuz people i never mentioned shit to know. So i fucked up. She was also mad about me trying to kiss her and kept pushing.

I apoligized about telling people (which is my bad i fucked up). I told her about trying to kiss her. "well i'm not gonna apoligize about being attracted to you, so it is what it is." Idk if that was the best response, she didn't really say shit so idk. She said she was talking to someone else to. I told her she can do whatever she wants. Idk i don't care who she sees, it's not my place anyway. I also said its on her if she wants to be friends or work, im down for whatever

Afterwards we hung up and felt really bad, i felt like a huge dick idk, and i felt needy.

So i called her this morning and told her how i really felt. I told her i fucked up and i was sorry, that i didn't mean any harm by telling them. I told her i didn't tell them to brag or boast or anything. I told them cuz i thought they were cool and wouldn't say anything. But that's my fault for taking that risk. Then i told her if she has any problems with me, instead of just acting hella dumb, to just call me out on it. I told her i'm not the type to find out whats the matter with you, i just call it how i see and keep it moving. Lastly i told her the main reason i called her and said that

"the main reason why i called you regardless if we never see each other again, is because at some point you trusted me and i broke your trust and i feel really bad about that" (which is true i do)

she didn't really talk at all but she said thank you.

Afterwards i felt relieved, felt at peace. I think i felt good because i told her what was on my mind. By no means am i trying to revive something and after thought i def don't wanna get her back.(i do want her back for my ego though). I'm def gonna keep doing what i've been doing. Part of me thinks feels like she doens't like me she's just trying to save her ego and going out on top, which can be true. The other half thinks she does like to a point that this whole situation could've actually bothered her a lot more than me. I think its the second one lol. I don't wanna even try mainly because the bad feeling of dealing with her made me feel like shit. That kinda stuck in my head and just made me not wanna pursue. Usually when i get turned off by girls for whatever reason, i just shut down with them.

I'm happy though because i got what i got off my chest and i don't feel needy. I don't have that needy egoic feeling of trying to win with ups, or trying to get her back. I'm content with this, that's why im happy. I also learned i need to shut the fuck up LOL. I was doing good at first and then folded. Not gonna beat myself up over it, im happy this happened cuz i learned the hard way.

Tomorrow im gonna sarge with flackbait (shoutouts to you bro if you're reading)

i got a huge goal to get a number before the end of the month, because lately i feel like i'm pretty decent at creating attraction. I just gotta grow some balls and escalate.


Lifestyle

Good news is i finally got a few places lined up. One place in particular i'm gonna try to put the deposit if im not lazy and bus out there. I'm starting to eat healthy again and exercise a little more to. I noticed when i don't work my second job (job where new work chick is) i tend to feel happier. The less i go the happier i feel about life loool.

I'm starting to forgive myself for everything i feel i've been doing bad lately. That and i'm starting to learn to appreciate myself as a person and love myself. I'm still working at it, but there is improvement. I also feel like im alot more mature than i give myself credit for.

Things i improved on

- Loving myself
- Eye contact is a lot better than what it was
- Can create attraction, and know when to give space
- Finally working on my life and focusing on improving myself
- Ego is diminishing a tad
-
Things i need to work on

- To shut the fuck up and resist the urge to not tell friends and vent about what i do with girls (thats the ego in me)

- Escalate, Escalate, Escalate

- Open more, i still have AA heavy, it's been going away a little bit, but i still need to work on it

Much Appreciated if you took the time to read this. This is probably the first time i posted and i like it.

But yea if you took time to read this, as always, your awesome =)