Hey guys,

Little over a month ago, I posted a thread about a girl I was dating, she is a solid 10, and told me she really liked me, but it didn't work out.

All information what happened is in this thread:

to-what-extent-should-you-chase-a-hard- ... 37315.html

Here is what happend in short:

-We dated everything went well, I was congruent and had a solid "game" pretty sure about this.
-I immediately became physical with her, she liked it. We did everything except having sex.
-She told me she really likes me but.
-Out of the blue she called me and explained this to me:

-She has fear of commitment
-Sees a psychologist for her problems
-Thinks I think to different to life than she does, E.g. I think my career is more important than a relationship, she things the exact opposite.
-She told me she still really really likes me, but has mental problems.

I told her i see her as more than a friend, and can't be friends with someone I have feelings for. She accepted

This happend a month ago, we dated for a month back then.


So just recently, a week ago, I was in the hospital for some reason, and she visited me 3 times in 5 days, and offered me to drive me home. When we came home whe wanted to watch a movie with me, so we did, I made a move on her, and she was totally into it.
Yesteday she again drove all the way to my place, i made a move on her, and the same happend, she was totally into it.

So my problem now is, I want to call her NOW and tell her what I want. Let her know that I still have the same intentions with her as a month ago.

I am not really sure if this is the right thing to do, so that's why I am posting this here for advice.

Also, I don't have oneitis, Im still dating 2 HB8. But I think I am ready for a relationship at this point in my live, with the HB10.


I'd like your opinions!

Thanks in advance!

PositiveVibe

You already know what to do. Hang out with her, make a move, and let her know you want something serious. She may not be into it, but it's at least worth a shot.

She called me up 30minutes ago, told her how I felt.

This is what happend after I told her how I felt:

-She needs certainty about her future, before she want to commit, feels more than just friends for me.

-She wants to stay friends with me now, and told me she might change her mind if she is certain about the future.

-I told her I can't stay friends because I feel more than that. Told her I won't change my mind.

-She started to cry over the phone, begging me to stay with her. Telling me she still wants to see me.

-I told her to come back at me if she has more certainty about the future and about possible feelings for me in the future.

-She told me she really appreciated my honesty. And she felt bad that i felt more for her at the moment, than she does for me.

-She thanked me and we hang up, she still crying....


Somehow I feel bad for her, but I think I did the right thing. At least I hope I won't regret it!


Any thoughts?

Thanks!

PositiveVibe

Just go with the flow, spelilng things out verbally ruins the romance of it all. Ask yourself why you need a label to what you've got.

I know that it ruins the romance, but I take actions through my thoughts. This was probably the best thing to do.

Sometimes I feel like I have to risk losing someone by telling my true intentions, than just endlessly dating without any results.

Although this girl really has a good connections with me, she will probably call me back in a few days. Not that I need her to call me back, but it will probably happen anyways. And most likely realize she did something stupid and will consider about the relationship. Or something complete different, who knows.

Probably going to ask her out in a week for the last time, I don't want to leave her with her still crying anyways.

Good idea, or other thoughts?


PositiveVibe

A dude things his job is really important .... duh, what man does not?! I don't find it bad, I find it good. Girls like to spend our money, but they don't like the fact that we like our jobs, come on!

And a girl saying she has mental problems .... it does sound to me like she wants to find a way out of the thing that you have/had. Why would she say that? Was she serious when she was saying it to you, or you guys were kinda tipsy and just playing around not thinking much about who is saying what?

Yes I can say with almost 100% certainty that she is serious. Infact, I know she is seeing a specialist for it.

What do you mean by: find a way out of the thing that you have/had?

to make sure both people are on the same page because everybody know confusion and insecurity are what ruins romance.

hey man,

it seems like you are somewhat needy for this girl, your whole frame is based around ''getting her'', as you want to posses her, it is really cool that you held your frame when you expressed your feelings, but the problem is your frame was coming from a needy place, when you express yourself, that is awesome, but when you expect some sort of reaction or something in return (like her approval), then you really shoot your own foot, of coarse if you get all logical and try to get a girl into some sort of logical business agreement that you will be together shit will go wrong, you have to leave the girl some plausible denieability, take the responsibility away from her, she is just denying you to avoid taking responsibility, you are in essence putting pressure on her for a title (boyfriend), expressing your expectations around a relationship is great, needing her to fit those expectations is not

yes you have 2 hb8s or what ever, and you say you are not needy (don't have oneitis), but your post reflects a different mind frame, this girl has you reacting to her, and you are starting to shift into reaction seeking and you are fully dependent on reaching an outcome, your whole frame revolves around the outcome and you are hoping she will lead, you give fact A fact B, then pitch your sale to her, hoping she will give you approval and lead things where you want to go, this has to stop, she will not take the responsibility, just lead yourself, if she doesn't comply you know what is up, and the actions speak volumes above the words

stop worrying about how you are perceived by her, be willing to fail and you can make this happen, you have to fully let go, you don't need her, if it doesn't work out you will be fine, nothing will happen to you, you have lost absolutely nothing by her not sleeping with you (everything simply remains as it currently is), not doing so you are heavily investing yourself emotionally

^from this mindset, just assume she will never sleep with you on agreeable logical terms, then start just being normal, don't think for her, think for you, then do as you please when you are not thinking in reaction to her, don't try to get her to give you sex or agree to it, that is thinking in reaction to her, just give her sex, this is congruent expression, give, don't take, remove the responsibility from her, don't allow her to take the blame so to speak, the more certain and congruent you can be while expressing yourself and moving things forward, the lower her anxiety will get and the more certain she will become, you are at the point where she is interested but has LMR, she knows you expect a relationship past sex, unfortunately you set the frame that you need her to have sex with you if you continue to hang out, just forget you did that, hold true to the ''I LIKE YOU'' but back off from the, I NEED SEX WITH YOU OR WE CANT HANG OUT, if you have to compliance from her to get isolation, and she responds to physical escalation, just keep moving forward, eventually she will spread or walk away from the situation and become non-compliant, just stop trying to get something from her, and just give her what you want to give her instead, expect nothing from her

Hey pumpington,

Called her up just before I saw your post, told her I was reacting out of my emotions, and that I was stupid to say that I didn't want to see her anymore as friends. She reacted relieved. Wanted to hang out again when she moved to another appartment.

Seems like you are right that i am somewhat needy for her, and my frame is based on getting her. Also I care about her reaction towards me, although I don't always let her know about this. But the fact that I care, the fact that I need her good reaction will eventually make her notice about it. I guess I was a bit blind for the love she had to offer to me, so this probably made me seek for reactions, instead of only "giving" her my presence and masculine polarity. Glad you made me see that I lost my true self pumpington, and started to get the wrong frame of getting her, and seeking validation, I appreciate that alot thanks!

This might sound a little bit hypocritcal, as I shouldn't even care about this, and it might seem like a needy question at this moment. And maybe it tends to be oneitis and emotional investing (I know that) but,

If I be the man for her again, in the near future, you described so clearly in your post. Will this girl still give me a change to be this man with her?

Doesn't mean I stop dating other girls, but just incase I see her again.

Also I will try to not need anything from her, only giving her and not be depended from outcome. Probably this will be a hard thing to implement, but I can see that it's working the wrong way if I don't do this.

Thanks again for your post, you helped me before and I appreciate that really

PositiveVibe

she just hung out with you didn't she? if she is genuinely interested then it's no big deal, she'll come around, if she is non-compliant then it is no problem either, you have two other girls
you got nothing to worry about man, 3 girls your involved with, and plenty more all around
GOOD LUCK

Thanks you are right!