| FAIR WARNING: this one's long. It contains both moments of success and moments of doubt. I will really appreciate some ten minutes of your reading, and all your comments.
I must admit that I was somewhat reluctant to writing this field report. It includes a large period of time (hence the length), and it is about different women, but mostly about one in particular that has caught my attention in a way that dangerously seems to be a one-itis. Let’s start from a point back in October of this year: a school trip to Puebla, Mexico.
We (ten students of International Relations) went to a congress that would last for three days, and the plan was to spend the three nights clubbing. Soon, five of us created some sort of fraternity: three guys and two girls; we went out together, got drunk together, took care of each other and so on. The thing is, I had already set my eyes for one of those girls (let’s call her V).
At first, I knew that I liked her, but it wasn’t such a big deal. But that changed little by little. The first night, she was in her pj’s in our room, then went to her room to change clothes, then came back ready for the club. I was fucking stunned. She had put on a black lace mini dress that showed her incredibly long legs. I knew from that moment that I was going to have a run for my money.
And soon enough, guys were constantly approaching her the minute she stepped into a bar where we were going to have a pre-party. I let them drool over her, and went with one of my best friends to drink at his table (let’s call him R). When I finally decided to go after her, I noticed that she was with some other guy, and from the body language I realized that this guy knew what he was doing, and they were having quite a good time, but there was no kissing. I quickly gathered up everyone and told them that it was about time to go to the club. V was reluctant; I got pissed.
Mystery is right in saying that you know if you really want someone when you notice that you feel jealous for her. I was going crazy. Finally, she realized that everybody wanted to go to the club, and even though she hesitated for a while about staying there alone with that guy (she was killing me for about five minutes), she finally accepted to get into the cab. Once in the club, I had to do something to get the anger under control. A different girl gave me a playful look, and ten minutes later I was making out with her. Ten more minutes, and I was caressing her body. Without talking about it, we found ourselves playing the game of “how far will you go in public?” I kept tracing her curves with my fingers. She took my hand and put it under her blouse. I went for her boobs; then I lowered my hand and started fingering her through her white shorts. Every time I kissed her, I grabbed her butt like I was holding on to dear life. After some time, she decided that it was time to get back to her friends. I let her go, having a different thought in my mind.
This scene happened right besides where V and the rest of my friends were dancing. I knew she had watched enough, so I tried to get close to her. She was livid and completely avoided me. The night went on and eventually came to an end.
The second day, I knew I had to do something. We were in the middle of a conference, and I started teasing her about some childish drawings that she was scribbling in her notepad. Then I approached her on a more serious tone: “I have to ask you something later. It’s nothing huge, but remind me of asking”.
That night R, his cousin and I went to a club, while V headed out to a different club with our other friends. I chilled out, but didn’t sarge anyone there. Then V came to our club, and headed towards our table. She didn’t say anything, but I knew that I had to man up; I couldn’t expect her to do all the work. After all, she had shown up. I told her that I felt like there was something between us, that maybe it was just my imagination and that if she told me that it was nothing, it wasn’t going to be the end of the world, but I still wanted to know what she thought. She told me that we were just friends; that she was in a weird relationship, single, but complicated (I just found out that she wants something with my friend R, but R knows that I want V, and he sees her like a best friend, so he hasn’t done anything. However, the fact that he doesn’t really want her is triggering some attraction switches in her).
I left the table as composedly as possible, and went downstairs. I was fucking pissed again, but this time I successfully managed to control myself. I also noticed that she was crying; even before all of this, I had perceived some interest from her for me.
On the third night we went out clubbing again. I just wanted to relax and enjoy my last few moments in Puebla, so I started sarging another girl. We talked for quite a while and started connecting. She invited me back to her apartment with her friends, and I naturally said yes. Once there, one of her single friends left. The remaining two seemed to be boyfriend and girlfriend, and they went to one of the rooms. We were left alone, and started making out on her couch. I started caressing her body and feeling her boobs, trying to turn her nipples on (quick tip: while she still has her clothes or her bra on, gently scratch the area of the nipples; then lightly grab the whole boob with your hand, and after a few seconds remove the hand leaving only one finger touching her, tracing its way back to the nipple and gently scratching it again. By the time I took her bra off, her nipples were really perked up).
A few minutes later we were on her bed, and that’s when it happened. Before she took her panties off, I had a weird feeling, like if something was just not quite right. I couldn’t help but think about V, and I told the other girl that I had to leave. Again, not one of my proudest moments.
The morning after that, my friends started asking me about what had happened: they all knew that I left the club with a girl, and they wanted details. V was uncomfortably sitting there; she had also noticed my leaving. I knew this because, even while I was sarging with the other girl, I couldn’t help but turn around to look at V every once in a while. I told everyone that we had made out, but that nothing else happened. V cheered up a little after that.
Back in our hometown, things have been awkward. I keep trying to make clear that we’re not friends and I still want something else out of my relationship with her, but it’s not that easy. So far, the only way I’ve managed to communicate that is through keeping my distance. That triggers a little game of pushing and pulling, but I have a feeling that, even though that has helped for a while, I need to do something new. I want my strategy to evolve into something more active. And that’s where you guys come in.
I’m immersed in a personal debate about what to do next. On one hand, being too persistent might come off as being needy; on the other hand, doing nothing feels plain wrong. I know that I could just sarge new girls, and trust me, as long as I’m single I’ll continue to do so for the rest of my life, enjoying every minute of it. But there’s also the fact that I’d really like to know what it feels like to have a girlfriend. At the age of twenty, I’ve never been in a relationship; in the past few years, I’ve had great moments with girls that I just met at the club or on the streets, and I want to keep those moments coming. But I also want to experiment with something more stable. That’s the challenge that I’m facing these days.
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