Hi all,

What I’m about to tell you is really all true, though it may seem fucked up. There is this girl who’s been working in the same office as me for around 10 months now. To tell you everything that’s happened would be too long and convoluted (there are a few posts of mine from the last few months that detail a few things, if you’re interested). I know this sounds fucked up but she has long term, long distance boyfriend, though they did split up once. We got on really well etc, talked loads at work, loads of emails and loads of IOI’s from her over the months. When she has been really drunk on a night out she has kissed me on the lips more than once (at most 1-2 seconds) and there’s been other clear IOI’s. To summarise everything up, I clearly had several opportunities to get her but due to my severe lack of experience and stupidity, I didn’t take them. Now I’ve got a new job in a totally different city and will be leaving my current place of work in 2 weeks. This means that after 2 weeks it will be all finished for good.

Now I’m pretty damn sure this is a oneitis given how much this has consumed me over the last few months and how bad it’s making me feel. However, it is a oneitis not in the sense of wanting a LTR with her - but about wanting her, wanting something I’ve wanted for so long and how it will fuck up my confidence even more if I don’t get her. It is clear from her behaviour that she is not relationship material but that hasn’t stopped me from wanting to have her (nail her to put it crudely).

Obviously I’m writing this in the hope something might happen within the next 2 weeks before I leave, but realistically I need to know how to deal with this and change my mindset. In my mind I know it was obvious I should have got her in the past. I kept thinking I really should be getting her, and that if I don’t get her before I leave, I will feel so much regret and pain because it’s something that I want so badly and had the chances to get. But this mindset made it even worse and it consumed me so much that it has almost become an obsession.

My game has completely gone out the window (assuming I had any in the first place) and there is no doubt my recent AFC behaviour has hampered my chances. The problem is though that now if I still focus on getting her, the pain will only get worse and it will be harder to get over if nothing happens. What I need to do is genuinely change my mindset so that 1) If nothing happens it means these next two weeks and beyond will not feel like hell and 2) It may give me a better chance in these final two weeks with her.

I know this may sound like it’s just a crush etc, but I have genuinely never felt like this in my entire life and I’m 29. To be honest, I don’t know why I’m feeling this so deeply.

Any advice?

The knowledge that you're leaving soon can definitely intensify your feelings! It happened to me when a girl I was with was moving away.

My advice would actually be not to game her or try any routines or any stuff like that. You don't have time. This probably goes against everything people teach in PUA, but why not just fucking tell her and be straight up? Prepare yourself to take it on the chin and just be honest with her about how you're feeling. Obviously don't tell her you're madly in love with her or start weeping or anything.

That's what I would do. You don't really have time to game her and if it doesn't happen, then you're going away, so what?

EDIT: I have actually been going through an incredibly similar thing with regards to being consumed by my feelings for a girl, see my post in the general questions. The best thing is probably to drop it and move on, get her out of your system. Because this is emotionally unhealthy.

I totally agree with that. Invite her out to get drunk with you. "Hey, I'm moving away in 2 weeks. We need to go out drinking one last time." If she goes with you, you need to kino, kino, kino and escalate. If that goes smoothly just say, "We're going back to my place."

That's it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Be bold.

Exactly! If you fuck her nice. If you get rejected, you will be thankful for it. Fuck it, if she's like no I shouldn't be doing this... spill your beans bro. Tell her you're madly in love with her. If she says no then you will feel good. She doesn't like you for sure now.. there isn't a chance of what if.

Trust me, when you move away you don't want to have that what if she still likes me feeling. It fucks with your head and really intensifies your oneitis.

If u do get rejected... it's like "Why do I want to be with someone who doesn't want me" and then u will start gaming other women and next thing ya know... voila... the oneitis is gone!

Hi Rough Operator, thanks for your answer. Yeah, the knowledge that I’m leaving soon and there is a time limit has massively intensified my feelings. I suppose the only benefit is that it will be over soon, but then I have to live with it without being able to change anything.

Good idea about going for it. Whilst it won’t prevent past regret, it will hopefully limit any further regret. This is where it gets complicated now though as she knows I clearly want her. My actions (mostly AFC) in the past couple of months have more than demonstrated this. It’s when she is drunk that I have had the real opportunities with her (like heavy kino from her, she kissed me etc and even got me to lick her arm once after I spilt some drink on it – yes I know it sounds fucked up!). When she is sober there are still IOI’s from her etc but more mild, and the kino is far milder too. It’s like when she is sober she realises she has a boyfriend and thinks to herself she doesn’t want to cheat on him. But when she is drunk, she just doesn’t care. It’s bizarre if she is genuinely trying to fool herself when she is sober, as she has been all over me in the past when drunk etc. Due to this, I have a feeling that if I went for it when sober it would probably end in rejection. My real opportunity is when she is drunk on a night out after work and I guess I’d have to escalate like crazy (something I’ve never done with her before) and go for it. The problem is, there are only two potential opportunities for this, next Friday night (assuming she comes out with my other colleagues) and my work leaving do the Friday in 2 weeks. However, as mentioned, I can’t focus on these 2 nights as it puts more pressure on myself and makes me more depressed. Worse, if I go into those nights with excitement/hope and nothing happens, it will be so depressing and painful it’s not funny.

So I have three options:

1) Do absolutely nothing, who knows if I can do that and probably not the best option to pursue as it would probably exacerbate my regret.
2) Ask her out when she is sober but with a higher probability of rejection.
3) Wait for those two potential nights out with her when she will be drunk and go for it then. However, this comes at a huge cost of having this whole situation consume me to the extent where it becomes an obsession and I become even more depressed. Not to mention how I’d feel afterwards.

Note: In a normal situation I would never go after anyone’s girl, but this relationship is so blatantly doomed to fail and she was the one coming on to me in the past.
Yes, I read your other post. Seems like you’re going through a very rough time too bro. I genuinely feel for you. In some ways your situation is incredibly similar but in other ways completely different. My situation will potentially be all over in 2 weeks and I can attempt to move on as I’ll be changing jobs and cities (essentially a new life really), where as you see her regularly which makes moving on very difficult. Though, I have a count down of less than 2 weeks and I genuinely am not looking forward to what life will be like after it’s all over.

Luckily (or unluckily) for you, you’ve had the girl you want. For me, I built up the mindset that I had to focus on getting this girl and when I did get her (which I thought was an inevitability given the chances I had), everything will be ok and all this tension, frustration, these feelings of wanting her and regret will go. This became a vicious cycle.

I don’t think I’d rather be in your situation though as it is emotionally unhealthy too. You don’t have the regret/pain of having to live with it when it’s over but you have a different kind of pain. Either way, the best option for both of us is to move on and find other girls. Right now, like you I’m sure, I’m not feeling motivated but things do change, it’s a part of life.

Thanks for your answer. As you can see from my previous detailed post things are a bit complicated, but yes when on the night out with her after work, I will certainly need to do that. Would be great to be in a situation where I can use that line.

Thanks, yes I’ll probably have to go for it and just take it on the chin if it leads to nothing. At least I won’t have that “what if” feeling. I’d still have some serious regret about all the missed opportunities in the past though but will probably not feel as bad as otherwise.

If I got rejected now after all my chances with her, then I guess that’s life. A valuable lesson learnt to never be a pussy again and go for it.

What is perverse though, is that believe it or not, on the first day we met back in July last year there were IOI’s from her and, whilst I wasn’t sure at the time if she was asking me out for a drink or just being flirty (I even asked a question about it on this forum last year, see girl-at-work-giving-me-ioiis-vt95120.html?highlight=), I found out 6 months later that she was asking me out. (Back in July I didn’t know she had a bf, though I found out she did have a bf a bit later from other people, which is why I didn’t pursue it at the time) She was actually telling me 6 months later on a drunken night out after work that she had asked me out for a drink when we first met but I rejected her. At the time, I had just played it safe and thought maybe she is just being friendly/flirting. Who would have thought back then on the first day I met her that things would have ever turned out like this…

Good luck man keep us updated

Thanks dude, I will.