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Okay, so this is gonna be more of a post-mortem than anything current, but I was seeing this girl for a short time and it just fell flat on its ass, and it really bothered me wondering what I got wrong. I wondered if maybe you guys could advise me on what to do differently next time.
So I moved into this place and I was putting together some furniture when I found I didn’t have the right screwdriver so I knocked on some neighbours’ doors. One door was opened by this cute blonde girl who seemed very happy to help, in fact later the same evening she knocked on my door and said maybe we could go for a bike ride some time. I would see her outside the block sometimes when I was smoking and we’d chat, so I asked her out for a drink one evening. We had a good chat about general stuff and it was good but nothing happened.
The next time she came round to mine and we had something to eat. At one point we were sitting on the couch and I leaned in and started kissing her, which she was totally fine with. She was a good kisser as well. Then I told her to climb on top of me and she said she thought I was being a bit bossy but did it anyway and then we went into my bedroom and made out for a while. Then wandered over to hers and more of the same.
Next time I saw her we went out for the afternoon and then back to hers for more of the same. We were dry humping each other so it looked well on. The time after this we were making out some more and I was rubbing my hand up the back of her top and I playfully pinged her bra-strap. She said “that’s a good way to get yourself invited for the night” so I thought it was definitely on. She took her top off and I removed her bra and then she lay back and I was licking and rubbing her nipples.
Then all of a sudden, she sat up and covered herself and said that she didn’t know me that well and she wasn’t sure she was comfortable with it. I didn’t really know what to say so I just respected her wishes and left. From that point onwards I’d see her at the bus stop and outside the building and she’d be aloof and she kind of made me feel like shit to be honest, as if I’d done something wrong. I suggested doing something a number of times, then when that didn’t work I tried ignoring her and she just ignored me back. After that I tried a couple more times and at one point I suggested that she came over and watched a movie. She said she was busy (she was always busy for some reason), so then I texted back and said “well, we could always not watch a movie if you prefer”, to which she responded angrily saying “what’s that supposed to mean?” I just kind of gave up at this point.
This was a really bullshit situation and I still feel frustrated when I think about the fact I got so close and didn’t go all the way. I also wonder what I possibly could have done wrong. She said that she’d had a previous boyfriend who toyed with her and just called her when he wanted and ignored her when he didn’t and I think she was hurt by that and she didn’t want to get hurt again. She must have liked me though because at one point she was joking about me changing my Facebook status to “in a relationship”. I didn’t say anything much about wanting a relationship myself because I was just enjoying fooling around with her, but I might have been open to it.
So what are your thoughts? Any obvious mistakes I made or anything I could have done differently?
It's quite possible that she is trying to in a sense 'regain' the power she had once ceded to her ex. Often people will seek out relationships with others to safely (at least for them) right a wrong they experienced at the hands of another. So, for example in this case if she had made herself vulnerable to her ex and got profoundly hurt in the process, it is plausible she's seeking the inverse situation (finding a guy she can manipulate so she can regain that sense of control she had previously lost).
From what you've described it is quite clear that the relationship had a strong sexual frame and the comfort was there, despite her telling you she did not feel comfortable with her bra off. With respect to your feelings of guilt, figure out where those are coming from as nobody can make you feel guilty, those feelings come from within you and how you've processed/framed the situation. Perhaps you feel as though you moved to fast and made her feel uncomfortable, but let's call a spade a spade; she initiated you, she had no reservations slowing the sexual frame at all, that is until you removed her bra and there was the prospect of sex, not simply dry humping. There is of course the possibility of buyers remorse, where she felt seduced quickly before having any comfort established and by you simply talking to her it evokes guilty feelings within her that she may have moved too quickly and let her anti-slut defenses down prematurely. For most women, the cost incurred of seeing themselves as acting slutty will supersede their desire for sex. I dont see this as being the case in this scenario however as it looks as though you two were well beyond the comfort zone. Still, it's a possibility I suppose.
She is now giving you the cold shoulder because she knows that it'll only stir your feelings of guilt even further. In other words, she is only further goading you deeper into these bad feelings by isolating you even more. She shows no intention of rectifying things but would simply leave things status quo. Therefore, my advice to you would be to forget about her, figure out specifically where the guilt is coming from (guilt means we're remorseful from some previous action and only keeps us stuck in the past), and find a girl who is of sound mind rather than one who is into playing games.
CHAT
