I'm a relative PUA newbie. I probably blew this, but I'm wondering if there's any way I could salvage it.

I met a woman at a bar toward the end of the night (she was kind of drunk). We danced to the last five or so songs and I k-closed her and n-closed her after the last song. We texted and emailed a few times of over the next few days. We arranged to meet for drinks on a Thursday. That seemed to go pretty well. The conversation went well and I got some IOIs (she playfully grabbed my pony tail, she asked a bunch of questions about me (was I married…did I have kids, etc.), if there was any lull in conversation she re-initiated right away, etc. I did some kino and a little palm action and she seemed OK with it. Held her hand and squeezed it and she squeezed it back. However, after a couple of more emails she sent one saying "I just got out of a long relationship…not looking to start another one right now,… just hanging out with friends for now,…if you want to be friends for now, that's great, etc."

The next week, I asked her to go see a band I know she likes. She said she was going to go with some other friends who had asked her first. I met her up there tonight and she was with a guy and a girl. She was friendly when she saw me, but she seemed to be much more with the other guy than with me (she was leaning in towards him to talk and putting her hand on his shoulder a lot, etc.)

Here's one place I may have blown it…after a while of watching her give him (but not me) a bunch of the IOIs I just mentioned, I leaned over to her and asked "just curious…are you with that guy?" She said something like "No, I told you I just with friends right now." (thought it sure seemed like she was giving him a lot of IOIs for a "friend").

Everyone stayed till the end. I was dancing with her near the end and the other guy started to leave. She went over to him and gave him several kisses before he left. Several minutes later, I managed to get one kiss, but certainly not like she gave him.

So, I've got two questions…

1. Is there any way to salvage the situation with this girl? If so, how? (Did I completely blow it by asking her if she was with the other guy?)

2. I've finally started dating again...my previous five-year GF passed away last August. The three girls I've gone out with since have all given me something like: 1. "I'm not in a good place to go out right now" or 2. "I'm just starting to get over the heartbreak of breaking up with a long term boyfriend. I can only your friend", or 3. what the girl I was talking about earlier said (which is very similar). So, what is this telling me? I keep getting this "just broke up" stuff and/or "friend" stuff. Let's be honest, EVERY decent girl has recently broken up with BF (if they don't have a BF right now), but that doesn't stop them from meeting other guys and/or hooking up? Where am I dropping the ball?

Any help would be greatly appreciated. I'm REALLY getting tired of this!

Very, very sorry to hear about your loss. That must have been devastating. Credit goes to you for having the strength to realize you need to date again.

With this girl, you are currently letting her know she has the upper hand. You've stated directly and indirectly that you like her, she stated she wants to be friends, but you remain available. She knows at this point she can even have another guy around you and you will remain, and even look for her affection.

If you want to eventually turn this into something else, you must create trust and comfort. Show you are listening to her- tell her that you think it's great that the two of you met, as you are also not looking for anything long term. Get her to not think you are like everyone else just hanging on, waiting for her to give you the green light. Be her equal. Gain her trust. And escalate from there.

Let this one be a long-walk to repair, and continue to look for others in the mean time. Talk to her about them, but not in a bragging way. In a, "can I ask you for advice? That girl over there, she told me she wants to take me out, and I'm flattered but I'm not sure if I'm ready." This shows her you are sought after, and also that you are of the similar (albeit fake, and I call it fake for her too) "unavailable" status.

This could be what you bond over. Once you have trust, start to escalate the energy in between you. Look her in the eye more, lean into her, have her be comfortable with you in her personal space.

This one may take some time. But can be pulled off. Good luck.

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i have a vagina. i know things.

the way I see it, you are prizing her, you are only ''blowing it'' because in your mind she is the prize and you are trying to ''win her'', when in reality that is not how it works

think of this more like you are screening girls for compatability, sex is a requirement to date you, not something you have to work for, you screen girls, you don't win them over,

what is your personality like?, does she click with it?, what is your ideal type of girl's personality?, does she align with that well and get along good with you?, is she confident and secure, does she present the same level of sexuality that you do?

try to figure out if she qualifies while simultainiously demonstrating your personality, if she isn't a fit, then don't think of it like you blew it, think of it more like, she was not your type and she blew it, and start figuring this shit out faster so you can keep meeting new girls and find ones that are actually worth the time to invest in, sex should be something you just make happen, not something that you have to take from a girl, you give her sex, you don't take it from her, when you want to get laid, just get her alone in a spot you can have sex, turn her on, and start foreplay/getting naked

you lead, you make the first moves, you show/tell her what to do step by step, you take off your clothes first


if she is not willing to be on the same page, maybe she is not the kind of girl you want to be with, you don't have to directly tell her this, but actions speak louder then words and cutting contact with a girl after she fucks up and moving onto new girls speaks volumes about your interest level (girls do this all the time, because alot of the hotties live in an abundance of guys and will cut a guy off if he is not the top option, hence their non-neediness)

there is no point in investing time in a girl who is not worth investing in

and as for that other guy, it seems she considers you a sexual option, but you are on the backburner for her as she probably considers other guys as better sexual options, but she wants to keep you around just encase, don't fall for this trap, move on and stop giving her attention, if she comes back around, sleep with her

be considerate of her feelings, but worry more about what you want then what she wants, be the leader, not the follower

GOOD LUCK

The previous posts hit the nail on the head, but I just wanted to say that I am extremely sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine going through something like that. Best of luck to you.

Guys (and any girls out there, too),

Thank you very much for the responses. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond!

Note to WanderlustLA and Snarg: Thank you for the kind words of sympathy. Yes, it was devastating. She had cancer and watching someone you love pass away from that is something no one should EVER have to go through! It took a while to even consider moving on, but I have come to that point.

I started investigating PU because I've never really had much (or any) real game. I've had a few girl friends in my life, but always felt I just stumbled into those rather than getting into them because "I knew what I was doing". Plus there were many agonizingly long dry spells. I probably tried way too hard and was always the "nice guy" or "the friend" (based on my post at the top, I apparently still haven't quite gotten around that yet) and we all know where that gets you. My "statistics" are embarrassingly low for someone my age (~50), especially someone whose never been married and who even plays in a very good working local rock band! I would think that would be a sizable DHV!...I thought rock stars got all the girls! Currently, my # = 7 (only three of those were long term at all) and SNL or ONS = 0!! Obviously, it's way past time for me to figure out what actually works (because the nice guy thing, obviously doesn't). I'm discovering there is a lot to learn (and probably more importantly, a lot to un-learn). I just hope I can figure it out and make it work…it's trying to teach an old dog new tricks!

As for this current girl, I thought she might have been trying to keep me "on the hook" with all of the "…friends, *for now*…" type of stuff. Maybe something will eventually develop with this girl, but I'm definitely going to keep looking in the mean time. Maybe she'll see me in a more equal (should really be higher!) light, soon when she comes to see my band play (though I've already mentioned to her that I play in a band). Hopefully, that will DHV me up a few notches.

Note to pumpington: I think I understand what you mean about screening. I guess I'm still trying to un-learn the "trying too hard…hoping she'll like me…basically, me over qualifying to HER" type of thing and I need to get into more of a frame where I'm screening her (making her qualify to me). That is, going from a "she's the prize" frame to an "I'm the prize" frame. Do you have any good tips on how to internalize that state-of-mind shift (other than, "just do it")? Also, as you can tell from my stats above, I guess I don't present a strong enough sexual frame (per your comments "…sex is a requirement to date you" and "…sex should be something you just make happen"). I wish I was at that point and it was that easy. Again, any tips on how to get there? Also, you said to "stop giving her attention". Are you saying I should basically not contact her or ask her out until she contacts me, or should I at least keep in touch somewhat? As I said I'm going to keep looking in the mean time.

As a more general question (i.e., not specifically about this particular girl)…as I said, I seem to keep getting these "not in a good place to date now" or "…just got out of a LTR…just friends for now…" types of responses, usually after a date or two. What phase of the attraction game am I most likely missing or misplaying? Not building enough attraction?, Not enough comfort?, Not qualifying?, Sexual Escalation?, etc. How do I get past this so I don't keep getting friend-zoned or can turn some of these around?

Thanks again in advance for any responses!

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