Trying tough new routine: go to work, go to the gym, go to an evening activity like social dancing or a dance lesson or an improv class. I feel better and happier!

Past couple of months, no dates and not even seeing anybody potential dates. Missed my acne cream a few times and ate lots of sweets like cakes and donuts, so now i am breaking out again, although its not as bad as before..

One thing that still strikes me is like always i have done in my life i go everywhere alone. Two years ago, i did not go out at all. now i go out a lot more, but still alone. other people go with a friend or in a group of friends. the thing is, not only do i not have many friends to go out with, but also i feel awkward and dont enjoy going out with someone else, so much easier going out alone. also i dont act natural always feel awkward and constricted. it's all the social anxiety and depression.. the social anxiety/negative thinking makes partner dancing with girls very stressful. if i dance more though, it will get better. dancing with body to body/chest to chest contact as in closed position argentine tango might help with mysocial anxiety. the girls want to dance body to body during the dnace classes like the teachers instruct us but i am the one who freaks out imaginging that they dont want to.. crazynes.. crazynes.. i know..

so my goal is to keep going to the gym and then dancing or something similar afterward, and then to start going out with people i know or meet. maybe organize fun outings! so maybe this weekend i will organize a birthday dinner for my mom and then a fishing trip for myself. you know getting a license and a car or at least a license and then renting or borrowing a car would help me find friends to go out.. gotta get a lot done this weekend. i found someone who wants to do language exchange - talk at a coffeeshop to learn english - not sure if its a girl or a boy, but hopefully girl haha - gonna see if i have time to meet with them this weekend for an hour. would be a fun/refreshing experience..

New job going well. Making very good money, almost paid off my college loans! Practicing for the road test for my driver's licence in one month with my dad. I am a natural driver, I already drive the stick shift after very little practice. I'm only the second person in my family who can drive stick!

I was taking beginner dance lessons floating between different dance styles - some swing, some blues, some salsa, some tango, some hip hop, some contra dancing, etc. Results is I am not a good leader in any of the dances, so I have to choose one dance and do it consistently so I can lead clear and strong and feel good about myself enjoy it and give the girls a good time dancing. So I decided I will dance Salsa and blues mostly. I signed up for a four week salsa series. Already seeing results! Danced with a hot dominican chick who gave me a smile and flirty eyes while we danced. It's just dancing, she has a ring on her finger and I did not even ask her name, just made small talk and was very nice and a lil flirty, but she and her friend who came to the lesson liked it. They will be there next week. I hope I can become friends with them. Although I know only the very basic moves in salsa, because I took all these overwhelmingly unfamiliar dance lessons in different styles and did all that stressful social dancing, I've got lots of other skills - I smile, i'm learning to look at the girl while I dance, I got good spacing on the dance floor so we dont bump into other dance couples, i got rythm (although cannot count the beat yet), i got the know how on how to be kind of suave with the girl rather, i dont teach the girl while i dance and i try not to be defensive and try to learn when the girl tries to teach me, and when the girl is new and tries to lead me or tell me what to do i just smile and play along, and if i dont like something she does i just pretend i dont notice, and if she comes with an ugly friend, i always compliment and ask the ugly friend to dance first. i shower and brush my teeth and use mouthwas, and i got the partering basics like the hand and moving my own body/center weight..

I've been using the creams the dermatologist gave me for my acne, and it mostly cleared up. My sister says I look cute without the acne!

I messaged two girls on okcupid, they looked at my profile and did not reply. Fuck those bitches. I've really got to stay away from that okstupid.com it's for losers.

I have to put more effort into finding dates. It's ridiculous. I have not had a date since the summer!

So I am off from work today. I wanna clean up my apartment and move my couch and bed and get some food and invite people over. I've been afraid of inviting people over because my neighbors are crazy and complain about me to the land lord. But I am legally allowed to invite people and I want to have people over every day and go out and have fun. I am in my mid twenties for God's sakes! If not now, then when??

So I was taking the train and not driving to "save money" up until now. When I get my license I am borrowing my sister's car (cause she does not need it anymore she lives near work), paying her some money for it, it's cheaper than buying a new one, and driving to work to visit family and to dance lessons.

I spend like 5k a year if not more on eating out and going to coffee shops. Its not really making me any friends and even though sometimes I say hi to girls when I eat out, I have not made any friends or found any dates yet that way. I've got to shop for groceries and cook at home! This morning I took out some cold white from the fridge that I boiled and set aside a few days ago and fried some canned beef hash on the skillet with the rice. It was pretty good, and filling. Now gotta cook for lunch and dinner..

So in order to get over the reluctance to talk to girls and the fear of creeping girls out by hitting on them, I've got to give myself a hair cut, dress up, and go out. I only have like three friends right now, and a few people I sort of know, but still, going to try to hang out more and be more confident.

The group therapy is going super well! The therapist says I'm doing a good job. I'm better at listening and staying on topic, and I look at people a little more know when I talk, and I am more aware of me cutting people off/dismissing them/shutting them down when I talk, being insistent on talking on my terms, boring people by talking to myself, and being arrogant. I've been using how I learned to flirt at the social dancing while I am in the group and it has beeing n fun. So I really gotta be more confident and more open and not hide it when I like being with girls. Because really while being shy does not make you any less worthwhile to know, there are no advantages to being shy. I have pondering if being really open and not shy with everyone is really as dangerous as I imagine it to be. Maybe it would help me.

So to whoever read this, and thought my blog and my life sounded very depressing: so I am cleaning up, dressing up, and going out tonight and calling everyone I know and inviting them to my place for a party!

installed a pot rack in the kitchen myself!

have not had anyone over yet, i only have two friends i can invite, well, actually kind of only one. haha. what i really want is to invite fun people over to have fun and be merry. gonna do that by inviting everyone to my place. just gotta hide all my personal stuff like bills, pay checks, cash, etc. and then see if people show up and see what happens. my fear is that a friend will come over, see that i am depressed and bored, we will be miserable for two hours and i will feel awkward and the friend will leave and i will feel bad. of course that's just the negative thinking i need to let go off. so let me invite people and see what happens!

my place looks like a pimp pad now! things are cheap and old mostly, but well chosen. i moved the couch and the bed, so now i have all this space in the middle. and of course lots of decorations -- the wall art and the rug and the lamps.

a girl from the weekly that i flirted at the dance a bunch of times, saw me in the bus and said hi. i motioned for her to sit next to me. i said she looked good (she did) and flirted with her and she flirted with me a lot too - she put her hand on mine and patted me a couple of times. she hesitated cuz she was taking a risk and wanted to see that i dont shoot her down. i agreed and smiled and played along. i listened her tell me about how she moved got a new job and taking the gre's for grad school. she said she was invited to parties. i said invite me. she said no i would not fit in. i said no you really need another person there. she said no. we played like that. she said she was putting together a shelf. i said i will put it together for you. she said no. but she still flirted with me. i was half serious. i t hink she knew. maybe if i offered to hang out together or exchange numebrs or facebook normaly rather than goofing around like an insecure idiot she would have said yes. oh well. did not get her number. just let her go..

I deleted my okcupid and POF profiles again. Hopefully for the last time. I call them Okstupid.com and Plentyoffools.com just time wasting. Better to go out and learn to date in real life. If you can't flirt or get together with girls, it aint gonna work when you meen someone from the dating website anyway.

So my new plan is to keep working at my cleaning, cooking, and organizing my apartment, but also I am borrowing a family member's car for a few months so I can get to more activities and clubs and have more free time. Also I will feel like a driver which is a confidence boost. That I won't be buying a car will save me lots of money. Also, it is time for my dental cleaning and x rays with the dentist. I will do that but I will also get my teeth whitened. I am also going to work out more, try to do yoga and a work out every day. Again, will be easier with a car because commute to work will be quicker. No, probably, I will join a gym month to month so I can cancel any time because it is easier and more efficient to work outside of the home, hard to get motivated when you are inside.

Updated my wardrobe: got two sports coats, one Hugo Boss suit jacket, a Prada men's messenger bag, a better more matchy pair of shoes. I look MUCH better. I was wearing my J Cree $100 jeans with $20 sneakers and a new black windbreaker, it was ok, better than usual, but not impressive. This new look is MUCH better! Also I got two new hats at a sale and some cheap American Eagle male jewelry. I wear it over shirts when salsa dancing. Looks different, I like my new looks!

I have not been cooking for myself again, and only eating once a day, so I am still not gaining weight. Been doing yoga for two days though. Will focus on cooking and eating and exercising and try to clean out my apartment again and repaint the walls. Also organize all my papers at home and try to have a more efficient life, get routines, so I cook, dress, exercise, and clean up and work and then have a good foundation for going out and being in a good mood.

did not pass my driving test yet because i thought it started at 10am and it started at 9am. i just have not looked at the time since i registered for it. bummer. but i was not ready for a car anyway. my apartment is messy and i dont have food cooked and i have not been working out. so that has to be fixed first, and i have to be ready for the car before i get it.

on the money side, i have some money saved up now. i used it to buy used Prada, Gap, Hugo Boss, and Brooks Brothers clothing that fits me well, which is super important that it fits. Women seem impressed by my designer hand bag which costs $1000 new (i got it for $85 used lol and it is genuine not counterfeit and i dont think its stolen because the manager of store said she knows the seller of this used bag).

i bought a bunch of Groupons for group fitness classes. so i will get out and meet some people. freshen up. also get in better shape and learn new skills like dancing. i am also thinking of getting a Motorcycle license just for fun. i am not going to get a motorcycle because it is too dangerous, but maybe i will rent a Harley and take it for a drive on a safe, low traffic course that i already know. i can use it to sell myself to women be like "hey, i am going for a drive in a Harley down to this show and back, do you wanna ride along?" invite the girls to an adventure.

also my goal is to have a clean house and very organized life. want to be more productive. i usually just sit around doing everything very slowly, when i could get everything done at home and go out. also i end up going to sleep late and not getting enough rest. not exercising. i have to fix that. so today for example i took a yellow sticky and wrote "Work Order: laundry" and set up a timer. When I get the laundry done, I will write down that it took say 4 hours to get it done. Put that time on a speadsheet in the computer. Then, write a different goal like "Work Order: dishes" and do the same thing. I think doing one task at a time and timing it will help me with my procrastination.

Also today I was at Starbucks dressed like a model and with a Luis Vitton handbag on shoulder. Talked to girls sitting next to me and they were nice back, although they did have to leave. I said, "i have a sweatshirt just like your scarf, but i almost never wear it" while i was sitting down, looking at them and smiling. She turned around from her friend smiled and said "oh really, why is that?" i said "i got out social dancing a lot after work and i get hot and sweaty, i just dont need a sweatshirt." then i let them alone and then after ten minutes i asked "do you dance?" and she said "yes i dance" and i said "oh i have the dance class you can take for you" and she said 'or really which one?" i said "sensual brazilian lambada" she laughed and said "oh that sounds actually kind of nice" then she told me where she is from and that she is here visiting her frinend. then they had to go. they were talking about getting food before i opened them. also her friend was looking at me with her eyes open and i think i saw amazement or desire in her eyes. i think it was one of the better approaches. although i still felt very awkward, panicky, and like i am a nuisance to them. of course, i was just overcome by own negative anxious feelings, in reality, the girl smiled and told me where she was from and what she was doing and supported me when i tried to flirt with her and also asked me follow up questions. and i told her that i dance. good convo. also i made small talk with like 50 year old woman who sat in their place and she made small talk back. i think the stylish black coat, red scarf and the Luis Vitton bag made a good impression on these women!

nice cute smiley girl at the cash register at the coffee shop i go to before work and during lunch, she is nice to me and she even memorized my name (so did the guy at the register) and she calls be my name even when the guy is helping me. today i saw her talking to a coworker on her way home and she saw i looked at her and said hi to me by my name. i had asked her if i danced with her before because social dancers smile all the time and she said she contra danced in girl scouts a little. i was like trying to run away from her feeling anxious last time she said hi (when she was going home), and i said "i printd out a flyer for you for the contra dance. i will drop it off tomorrow" she smiled and said "okay" and continued talking to the girl. she did shudder or move away, i was the one moving away from her. i am going to risk it, and dress up tomorrow, and go there again in morning. i am off from work tomorrow and it will be a stupid drive there and back, but i am going to give her the flyer and invite her to the dance. no strings attached. i was going to write my email on the flyer so she could email me, but i think that is too pushy. if she wants to, she can chase me and let me know she wants to exchange contact info. i am feeling like she likes me, but i am afraid of being the creepy guy who stalks the cute cash register girl. i know i am not, probably, the dumb guy who does not get signals and pushes women away and who is like "oh noo dont talk to me" i am going to just dress up, get a coffee there (hopefully she is working tomorrow) and basically invite her to the dance. if she goes, it means she wants me to ask her out and its gonna be a date. if she says no, i will let it go and feel rejected like the usual. haha

Did not go to the coffee shop girl this morning. Will do it in two days though.

Went to the dentist for a cleaning and xrays. He said i have no cavities even though i have not been flossing or burhsing teeth every night. My new resolution is to flosss my teeth every day. Also not gonna drink coffee because it stains teeth yellow.

Signed up to go to a Spa and get my neck hair and my eye brows waxed, yes, like in the Fourty Year Old virgin.

Signed up for a trial at a gym. Went to a Zumba class. It was full of women and I was the only guy the The instructor was hot and she told me not stand right behind her because she said i can follow better if i look at her from the side ( i thought it was uncomfortable for her maybe or blocking other studnets from seeing) i did not talk to anyone at the Zumba class or at the gym, although it was packed with women.

Approach on the train - talked to a girl sitting across from me while I was standing. Asked her about the train's direction, then made small talk without being pushy, she seemed happy to talk to me towards the end and even stood and talked to me instead of going her way until my train came and it was time for me to go. I invited her to a dance, and she said she wanted to go. I gave her my email. She acted interested, and I acted disinterested towards the end due to my anxiety. She has not emailed me yet.

Approach at the coffeeshop - sat next to a woman writing in a notebook. I asked what are you writing? And she said she is journaling her thoughts because she just moved here from another state. We ended up talking and flirting for an hour or two. She gave me her phone name and email, I did not even ask for it! I also invited her to a dance and said guys will line up to dance with her, but she should wear a dress because it twirls. She said she wanted to go. I am not sure if to call the next day or wait. She also was really nice and seemed like she enjoyed talking to me and wanted to meet me again. I bought her a Peach tea and she said it was really nice of me but she was on her way out and did not have time to drink it, she said maybe we can share a tea next time. After I said good bye, a little too early but continued to sit next to her, i turned my back to her and started having a conversation with dude next to me and ignoring her. She said several things to me and was nice on her way out. I kind of ignored her, though said nice things back like "Stay warm Amanda. Good luck on Wednesday (when her school starts)." She was acting like we are good friends now, but I was feeling anxious because of the intimacy of it and due to my social anxiety was avoiding her by not being warm and nice and talking to her towards the end.

So two successful approached in one day! I got by eye brows, neck hair, and back hair waxed (yes, like the Fourty Year Old Virgin.) I was wearing a Armani Exchange hat, a wool jacket, $100 JCrew vintage dark blue boot cut jeans that fit me right and are not loose in the back or too long in the length, a pair of cheap funky sneakers for $20, and a nice pink shirt my mom got me at a second hand store. I had a matching scarf and my Prada leather bag too!

I said hi how are you to girls in the mall and just walking on the street parallel to them and having a conversation as we are walking and then saying buy and not asking for anything when we went seperate ways. When I am dressed up like that and with eye brows waxed, girls talk to me! When I am dressed in a pair of cheap used brown pants, girls talk to me a lot less and a lot more girls dont talk back to me at all! Gettting dressed makes a huge difference, also in my confidence. If I acted insecure, pushy (the stay in the set/push for a number close mindset I dont like), I would not have conversations like that I think. But because I was just experimenting and waiting for them to continue the convo a little and not pushing for it and giving them space (not chasing them, planting my feet), and because I was dressed like a movie star, I had some success. My friend walked by the coffeeshop and left me a message saying "hey i did not come in and say hi to you because i did not want to ruin your flirtation with the redhead" i told him he should have come in and said hi because it would make me look more social.

anyway so i am going to do more approaching and continue to dress up i am in a good mood and i am on a roll, fellas! one thing though is that i am still skipping meals, not cooking, eating out too much, still skinny ( i want to eat more and exercise to gain weight) and i am not exercising.

i went to a Zumba class. i was the only guy there. it was a full class. i felt very good afterward. i recommend it for all of you who want to get in shape, feel happier, get more comfortable being around women, and to learn to dance and feel the beat - go to the nearest ZUmba class!

The two girls I wrote above might be flakes. The younger one has not emailed me, and the other one who gave me her name, email, and phone number during our conversation at the coffeeshop without me even asking (i just invited her to a social dance and she said she wanted to go), well I texted her and texting is blocked on her phone. Weird, cause most girls love texting. Suspicious she did not tell me her texting does not work upfront. Also, I called her two days after we met and got the voicemail (red flag) and left a message saying "Hey how are you? I was wondering if you have any plans when you come back after your weekend trip. I think you have my number, I hope you do. Bye." I was gonna email her just to make sure, but I know that would just make it worse. Oh well. Gonna go pick up other girls then.

Today, I dressed up really really well and walked up and down the nightlife district. I had to get up really early the next day, so I decided not to go anywhere or spend money. I just bought a leather suede clear protector and a store for my new boots, to protect them before I start wearing them and went home and was sad. haha.

i was dressed to the teeth when i went out today, took the train to a bar to listen to a band and eat a meal. i was wearing $130 suede boots, jeans that fit real well $100, $15 belt, $70 pink shirt, $70 tie, $20 tie clip, $30 cashmere hat, and a well fitting classy jacket and a $15 scarf. I smiled at a woman I passed and said hi how are you playfully and did not slow down, just kept going. she smiled back and said hi. same thing with another woman. i still get like one of out of five women i greet who does not hear me, but the difference between now and a year ago is huge. a year ago i went out with other losers off of the forum in CA and went and i said hi to women we passed by. we did it in a group of 5 and in a pair. 9-10 out of ten women gave me a scared look, did not smile back and were legitimately scared. i dont know what i was doing wrong, probably a combination of being dressed poorly (i had no idea back then! i did not even know nice clothes existed! and would never try wearing something new for me) and was more nervous and also more depressed and unhappy than i am now. also now i can read women better and faster and i can be playful and my face is friendlier - something i learned by trying to flirt with the women i dance with at the social dances. i also talked to a girl at a bar who was playing as part of a cover band she was nice right at first but i was nervous and so was she, i happened to stand near her. i opened her by "are you playing on the stage tonight?" she said yes she is singing vocal with the band coming up next. i tried to flirt so i said "i like you earings they are cute" she smiled and i think she liked it or at least i did, i kind of looked past her and was nervous and there was an awkward pause i said "vocals are good" and she kind of hesitated, i tried to listen to her but felt anxious and felt like doing the talking but restrained myself. i planted my feet and did not chase her when she said she is sorry she has to get a drink of water. i also was standing out of her way not blocking her path past me and also not facing her straight on but looking at an angle. oh well. my plan now is to get up early, go to the gym, take really really nice clothes to work in the morning so when i am in the bus going home i will be dressed super nice and will open girls who happen to be near me. if they respond and they wanna talk great. if after one or two sentences they dont respond much, i will just stand back and let them go.

also my apartment is a mess, i ate out again - twice today! what a waste of money. my goal is still to have a clean apartment and not go out to eat - go out but not spend money. i really need to start cooking and taking lunches to work because i need to eat healthier and also save money. my head was not in the right place yesterday. i came home from work, went for a nap, then got up at 9pm, showered, ironed my shirt, put on my best clothes (the tie with the tie clip etc) and went out and walked up and down the street past the bars but did not walk into any one because i had to get up at 5am the next morning and did not want to pay the cover charge for a bar and leave early. i was tired and went home. well next day i was leaving work and i realized i did not take ANY money with me to work and did not have my bus pass with me. what was i thinking the night before! luckily i called a friend and he picked me up and drove me home.

usually i am so wrapped in thoughts about why i am not dating and how i want to go out and what is wrong with my life that i forget simple things like... taking the bus pass and some cash to work.

met this girl from one of the dances on the bus. i had a good time talking with her. in the middle of the conversation i said "hey do you have email?" she gave it and we just continued talking. i like her. she is kind of nerdy and probably does not date much. i liked dancing with her in the past. glad i saw her again. funny thing is i emailed her today asking if she wants to go see a movie and have not heard back yet.

the good thing is that i am at ease talking to strangers and they mostly do not get scared and do not go away. i can get more than half the women i say "hi how are you to" to have a conversation and flirt a little sometimes, even on the bus! however even when they act interested, they still flake out and do not reply to me.

i have been physically tired from going out after work every evening (not to bars mostly, just dances, acting classes, etc.) and i feel empty. i am thinking of staying at home and just cooking, cleaning, organziing, counting my spending, doing errands, and doing yoga and working out. this would be more pleasant, i would be more relaxed emotionally, because being out with people and talking to people i feel very tense and my social anxiety shoots up, it's stressful, i would also feel more confident, happier, more fullfilled and empowered because i am very skinny and weak even though i have a good build and was always big. it is just that last five years i did not eat and did not work out. so gonna stay home, do my hobbies and take care of myself for a few weeks. i bought Groupons for group classes, but they dont expire until march. so i will go out i think mon and tue and thr. that is it. rest on all other days. and i also want to see my family because living on my own i have grown apart from them and i miss my family. and my commute takes two hours each way to and back from work so you can imagine..

the girl i like from the dance who has weird eyes and dresses kinda shabby (but i like her and feel very at ease around her, i think i got a boner when i danced with her and she is fun to talk to) replied to my email and said her schedule is busy but she can meet in a week. does not sound like a flake. her email was nice to read. i hope it works out and i get a date and can put my arm around her and maybe kiss her. i will work on getting myself out of my depression so i don't makes things negative and insecure for this date which i hope happens.

so today i am going to clean, cook, work out and do yoga, returns books to the library, and dress up and go to meet women. i have a dance class today too. going to dress up for that too and try to talk to women. i am excited because finally i think i have a date.

had a date with the sweet girl who has weird eyes. i wanted to give her a hug and kiss on the cheeck when i saw her but felt too awkward. but at the end i gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheeck and i enjoyed it and i think she did too.

also i was at my beginner acting class and i "accidentally" ended up with her taking the elevator upstairs with me. when she walked in i said "well this is a pleasant surprise" and smiled and looked her int he eyes. she smiled and mumbled something "oh i just had to take the elevator blah blah" and then she hung around talking to me after the class. i asked her if she wanted to try a dance class and she said no so i kind of did not continue talking and shook her hand said bye. i was afraid the conversation would get awkward. i should have invited her for drinks at a nearby bar! anyway if she was interested in me taking her to a dance class that does not mean she would not flake out and because she said no she might be playing hard to get. so it does not mean anything. i am just going to talk to her next week i see her at the class and try to flirt and see if she flirts back.