Hey all.. hope i can get some advice here...

Background info - A few months ago I ended a 3+ year engagement with a girl. With her, as with any other chick I've dated, I've always been the one chased and never the chaser, but I think I have lost alot of my game having been in an LTR for such a long time. Anyhow, since the break up I've met a new girl I've been seeing for approximately 1 month. I like her alot and have played things incredibly stupidly. I totally spend way too much money on this girl, take her out all the time, call her all the time and she has almost all the power in this relationship.

This new girl is young, likes to party alot, way too many guy friends, and in espressing my displeasure over this stuff I've made myself look jealous and needy.

I totally tipped my hand way to early by rushing the relationship, talking about feelings etc.

Any advice on tactics I should employ to flip the script so to speak would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

This stuff can work. not always though.

I was with my girl for a year went afc, crawled back, TWICE. realized I wasnt being who I wanted to. Changed my attitude. started calling my girlfriend out on being disrespectful. while still always having fun with her. It started to turn around. It was great for a few weeks. then she got quiet and awkward. and tried picking fights. In the end she dumped me...

dont let it get you down.

That fucking whore.

hakuna, you area a fucking GENIUS

You already know what you're doing wrong, yet you can't stop doing it. That's a problem.

Once you give a girl the power early in the relationship, it is almost impossible to turn it around without completely destroying the relationship.

My advice to you is this: If you are not happy, then end it. Your own happiness should be your priority. If you stick around and try to change something that can't be changed, then you will only grow resentful and bitter and end up regretting the time you wasted. You may not be able to salvage the relationship, but you can still salvage your integrity. A man puts his integrity ahead of an unhealthy relationship.

I disagree with Sidnne, I believe you have two options: end it like he suggested, or try and get "power" (frame control) back thus giving you a chance to re-create attraction.
It's clear to me that your confidence/inner game has been eroded by your LTR and recent break-up, you are clearly over-investing in this relationship while not getting the same effort back; no challenge/neediness = lack of respect and attraction. Your inner game is in tatters, you have put this girl on a pedestal and can't help but seek validation from her to gain some comfort about your own self-worth! Read the stuff in the Inner Game section.
Stop seeing this girl as the only nice girl out there, remind yourself that YOU are the prize, and she is just another chick, a nice one albeit, but there are plenty of other nice chicks out there you could be getting with! If you can get to the stage where you genuinely (be honest with yourself) don't give a shit whether or not she likes you or wants to save the relationship, then there is hope yet. If you can't, then end it now because she WILL take advantage of you, cheat on you or dump you.

If you decide to continue, then the next time you guys see each other, simply walk into the interaction knowing that it doesn't matter what she thinks of you/the relationship, you don't need her validation to know your own self-worth! Be alpha, make it clear you don't give a shit if she screws other guys, and game her like you just met her. If you succeeded in creating a happy/sexually charged frame THEN freeze her for 3 days then attraction and respect for you will be there again, I guarantee it. From then on, you continue with this mindset; she is not the only nice chick and you stay/leave as you please.

Does that sound like a healthy relationship to you? 'Cause it sure doesn't sound like one to me. In a healthy relationship, you don't have game your girl or create a frame. If you're not being you, then you're being dishonest and manipulative, and you're never going to feel happy or fulfilled.

Your advice may help him to gain the power, but it's not going to turn an unhealthy relationship into a healthy one; it's just going to flip who has the power in the unhealthy relationship.

It will take more time, energy, effort, stress and frustration to maintain your suggested frame, than it would to just end the relationship and seek a healthy one in which he can be himself.

Correct, that mindset certainly doesn't lend itself to a healthy relationship - because I wouldn't even class this as a relationship. The guys known her for 1 month, at this stage you cannot expect any girl to realistically be unconditionally committed/caring/respectful as in a healthy relationship. You are piling unrealistic and false expectations that this girl can't/shouldn't deliver..

You need certain ingredients for a healthy relationship - the girl herself must have a few qualities i.e. a caring/giving nature, integrity and self-respect. However, the key to achieving respect, commitment, love and good communication as in a healthy relationship is comfort.
Control the frame, and you can build that comfort.

_________________
Rep me if I helped!

Hi i'm new on this site///
I have taken lessons from a former pua and learned alot over the years,

i have been in a relationship for about 3 years now..

here is my story
When we first started date for about 8 or so months it was grate lots of sex she was very into trying new things. She than moved away about 400 miles for school and only seen here ones a month, then after a while i lost interest in her and cheated on her, after a few weeks i told her the story that i cheated on her and she took me back, we got are relationship back in trust mode,
the issue is now that she seems not to have and more sex feelings for more
examples: she comes home ones a month for a week or so and than i tell her lets go get a hotel and have sex and final we do ones that week one time.. when we rent a hotel we would have sex more than ones at first and next day and now it seems like when we rent a hotel we do it one time that night and she leaves next day to do her stuff at home, i used to have my own place so we would always have sex at my place.
we used to talk dirty on texts and stuff but i tried that one time and in return all she said is ok, she was the one that showed me all this stuff..
now where in almost 3 years and just got a place last week and told her when she came home yesterday when will u becoming over, she seems like she has no interest in the sex anymore but says she loves me very much, we used to be crazy and try alot of new things now i cant even get her to have sex with me one time a month... HELP!!!
anything i can do to maybe fix this part of the relationship.
and i would bring something dirty up and she will change the subject, like does that mean its about over becz she used to be so into sex.
Now that i give all my attention to her she lost her trying for me..
before i used to not give her attention and she used to always ask why am i not calling or texting or seen her or coming to visit her, now its the other way around im the one asking why is she not carrying to chill or talk or do anything crazy.. Help!

Background: 1 year into the relationship with a girl I love to bits. She's 37 (with clock ticking, she wants kids) just put herself through nursing school (second career). Bound for a good job once she passes boards.

She initiated a break-off (cites relationship too demanding/streesful). In Oct we stopped seeing each other (other than dates, which always went great). This is the girl where there is a number of differerent mutual attractions( chemistry, intel, doing things together, ect). Break-off due to the fact that I didn't provide all of the love she needed (but not entirely so. but now maybe a trust issue I have to rebuild).

Asked for all of my motorcycle gear last Thurs. (bout a 1200 worth, told her I was selling it on ebay). She brought it over, and we made out like 2 people should when they are in love. So...playing the nice card...brought her a coffee this past Friday...asked her out. Sent me a text...appreciate all of your...but I want to move on...stuff..this did not jive with her attitude that AM.

I don't want to loose this girl...what are the next steps..

I can start meeting other people for dates, but not a relationship. How do I turn the power back to me?

Sounds as though she's pulling away from you. 37 and the desire to have kids (her reproductive value diminishes with each passing day); she doesn't see you as the man she wants to settle down and start a family with, it is however, undeniable that there is some sort of mutual attraction but to a woman this in-and-of-itself is not enough to override the greater, primal motivation to find a suitable mate.

If I was in this situation, I'd put things on freeze for a while. The only hope I see in the situation for both you and her is to DHV by having other options (or simply creating the illusion that you have other options). This means not pursuing her, not making yourself readily available (jumping when she says jump), but rather getting on with your life. You need to think about what you truly want.

You should think hard about whether you truly want to be with her or whether you're just being a slave to your emotions and simply associate good feelings to being around her (which is a product of simple behavioral conditioning). What attributes and characteristics does she have that truly make her attractive to you? Can you name 5 or more off the top of your head?

If you two are to hang-out, you need to man-up and be strong enough to resist making out with her, or being intimate with her in anyway. Like any human being, she enjoys the touch of another - by engaging with her intimately you're rewarding her and likely satiating her need and desire to feel close to someone, but that's just enough for her. By not pursuing her it shows you have standards, and more importantly, for you is a good way to start switching your focus to being single and opening yourself up to other possibilities, other women rather than squandering your time and energy pursuing one who is telling you directly you're not the one for her. Pursuing her only tells her she can have you at the snap of her fingers and therefore are of low value (who wants something that comes so easily, like cat who can do as it pleases to the ball of yarn, it will quickly lose interest and move onto something else).

Thanks. I hear you. Friday we left off with a phone conversation discussing things. The day before she says one thing: Lets take it slow...you hurt me. I told her to let it go, I am re-directed. Then get a text on Friday....thanks for everything (long conversation about psychology and shit), but...I said ok...keep in touch, and she said, I'm not going anywhere.

So, I don't know if she's mind fucking me, or really is pulling away. I can name 5 attributes off the bat. Not to sound lame, but this one is one of those's girls that you meet and share amazing chemistry with...and I know everyone on this board has gone threw the same shit. Oneitis...don't know. There's a bit psy in her head that is damaging, though. Dad bolted young age then committed suicide...so she perceives hurt on a different plane...not always matches reality IMHO.

She does have lots attributes that are compelling in a mate. Other factors that may be in my favor are, at 37+ the available males in the dating pool [without kids]is quite small. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But, I think play into her idea of what she wants. I don't have any kids, good job, totally in shape now,, bla...bla

I deleted her phone number from my cell today. So...going fwd no contact. There has been that pull/push phenom with this one. She's going to graduate soon...another major milestone for her...should I send her a card?

Her saying "you hurt me" infers you did something to her either intentionally or unwittingly that hurt her. I don't need to know the details or what it is, but you telling her to "let it go" is very dismissive; it essential tells her that her feelings don't matter. You need to acknowledge her feelings and that requires you getting past yourself, and your own needs for a moment. A person can argue "nobody is responsible for your feelings but you" and to some extent this is true...but if I threw an object at you, was it your fault you didn't duck out of the way? Sometimes what we do can inflict harm (emotional, not just physical) on others every bit as much as throwing an object at someone's head and gashing their forehead (emotional pain is experienced in the same area of the brain as physical pain).

If she has a history of abandonment (e.g. her father, and other people), and she's internalized it as part of her world view, then she likely experiences a great deal of anxiety on the notion of getting close to someone. The rational is quite simple: "If I get too close to this person, I risk becoming more vulnerable, and therefore I may better protect myself by pre-emptively ending the relationship so as to ensure this does not happen".

She's not a client of mine, so without knowing her full history and her experience of those incidents it's hard to be absolutely certain that this is the case, so naturally I am speaking in generalities. However, if the theme of abandonment is ever-present for it it would make sense that she'd back up if things got too intense, quickly. She's merely protecting herself in the only way she knows how; it's literally like fending for one's life, a real visceral reaction/self-preservation mechanism which kicks in.

Assuming this is the case, if you push at her you'll only drive her further away as her need for safety is greater than her need to be a in a relationship with you right now. It really is a survival mechanism that's at work here.

You can be supportive of her, and entice her to feel safe with you again by the following:
-be non-judgmental. Even if you feel she's being critical of the relationship and/or you, don't take things personally
-be supportive. If she's come to a certain milestone in her life, congratulate her, by all means send her a card.
-again, if she tries to be sexual, explain to her how YOU think it'd be best for the two of you to take things slow
-every now and then remind her you're there but do not ask her out every time you have contact; simply chat her up to see how she's doing, make her laugh (a big one), keep her engaged. If she's down don't dwell on whatever she's down about, but focus on cheering her up. If she doesn't seem receptive to being cheered up, just lend her your ears (don't give advice, it just gets super annoying, particularly when it's unsolicited; it'll make her feel worse and infantilize her)

Right on target with advice. It was wrong to suggest to let it go if this was the source of contention as it stands now. And the wall she's throwing is probably exactly what your talking about. A retreat to self-preservation. I'd have to get her to re-trust and build it back up. I don't think she's closed the door...but will go no contact for a freeze out for a week or two. If she contacts I'll take it your route.

The power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less.

However, who is the happiest? The one who cares the most, or the one who has all the power?

I'll leave it to that!