so you initiated the "what are we" discussion?

_________________
what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

[quote="Genium"]Yeah thankfully nothings happened yet, but i have noticed myself getting the way you DONT wanna be.

Just a few hours ago I was with my girl and I told her "hey just shoot me a text, ya know im pretty available this whole weekend to hang out, and wanna do something for 4th of July" or something very close to that...now i realized i just made myself look like an ass, well maybe not that dramatic, but I see that im way to available, and i think i need to go back to how i acted when i was first seeing her, being less available, not being attached, not saying dumb things that make u seem like you NEED her. i admit i have told her that I will hang out whenever she wants to hang out; that shit is not good to say guys, and i realized it just now...geez, i need to stop![/quote]

Exactly same position here. I need to take it easy a bit. Now I've gotta backpedal..

yea the what are we disscussion was a mistake but now i just dont know what to do ill keep yall updated on what to i do i think ima freeze her out just for like a day and then come back and see what happens

I'm sure this has been mentioned before, people should read Doc Love's The System, and do what the OP says in the context of that book. As he states, once a girl's Interest Level in you goes below 49% you have little chance of getting her back. But heed the OP and the books advice to maintain your next relationship and don't get too comfortable for too long.

My big mistake? Letting her move in. Then she sees everything you do 24/7 which is not that exciting. We were still having sex though right to the end.

I've read all the posts and advice, and I wish I had read this a year ago.

My situation is this in a nutshell:

I went to visit my gf in Hong Kong in Sept to try and re-spark our dying long distance relationship, but to no avail. She made it clear that we were just friends and showed LMR even after I romanced the hell out of her one night. I told her to keep an open mind because when/if she comes back to my city we could maybe revisit our relationship. I come back to my city and we still chatted online as friends, but about 3 weeks ago I just stopped texting/chatting with her. I thought I should move on for now and better my inner game and meet other women. I still have feelings for her but I'm not gonna tell/show her that. I think I'd get back together with her but she's gotta work for it so I gave her a "shit" test:

After 3 and a half weeks of no contact, on sunday I text her and our convo looks like this: (time shown is what time text was sent to show tempo)

me: Happy halloween. Trick or treat. (17:06)
HK: Happy halloween to you too. (17:44)
HK: How r u? Got plans for halloween? (20:17)
me: I'm good. How u doin? Went out last night and goin out tmr night. U? (21:23)
HK: U mad at me? (21:56)
HK: I'm not feeling well today (21:57)
me: why do u ask? (00:09)
HK: R u? (00:33)
me: If u really wanna know, make the effort, call me and ask me directly (00:39)
HK: I am at work (01:27)

No call as of now. Seriously, wtf? I really wasn't mad at her, but I felt like I just needed to take a break from her to get my shit together and it's coming along fine. I'd like to try and work things out with her when she comes back, but I'm not impressed by her attitude. She asks if I'm mad, but won't even give me the damn courtesy of a phone call even as a friend.

How can I get her to chase me/want me back? I plan on showing her, not telling her how I've changed. I don't know if I should go NC or ping her once in a while to keep her reminded of me so when/if she comes back we could try again. We're really good together, but I think the long distance thing is just too hard. What was supposed to be only 3 months became over a year and she might not even come back until next Jan/Feb.

Any thoughts?

_________________
In a world of compromise, some men don't.

I was doing everything right, then, all of a sudden, she had a fight at home and I tol dher if she wanted to sleep here, it was ok, then I got laid , but if she's been sleeping here (3 times a week), what would be the changes on LAC?

There doesn't really have to be any changes as far as I can see. Remember, you are trying to get as close as possible to her as she will let you. If she is letting you sleep with her, then you are on the right path.

Just remember to cuddle with her after sex. That is the Afterglow Effect and the easiest time to make a woman fall in love. They are in a very emotional state after sex, so if you cuddle with them, talk with them, laugh with them, and share your dreams with them, then they will fall in love.

This is especially good for you since you are trying to rebuild trust. You can do that by cuddling with her after sex and showing her that you really care and aren't just looking for sex.

Ok, everything worked out perfectly, she asked to get back together, so we got... haha
Now, this will turn to push n pull as far as I can see, she isn't calling me as she used to, now I have to call her, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, should I stop texting her? (i text once a day)

wish i had found this a few months back
question: can these techniques be used if the Ex is re-initating the contact again? i'll post my story/current situation as soon as i'm allowed

need 2 more post before i can lol

Lots of great info and guidance, thank you for your patience.

I am going through a tough road with my mistress. She loves me but changed from sex to "being friends" so she does not get hurt in the long run. I don't want to lose her so I have gone NC. We work together so we are still emailing work related stuff with no emotion and no discussion of our relationship. She appeared to be very much in love with me and I with her. We have been together for a couple of years. We have been in secret cause I am married. My wife does not say it but she knows my mistress and I are close. My wife and I do not have a relationship. It is strictly she is the mother of our 3 children and I am the father and we are committed to our children. We have not had sex in 5 years and do not miss it.

My mistress though is fun. We did a lot of things together and had lots of genuine fun. Our friendship turned into us becoming lovers with some hot endless sex.

It's been about 3 weeks of no contact and I miss her so much. In the meantime I have been studying this forum and downloaded a course on how to get my x back which stesses NC.

My x emailed me and was initially upset that I went NC, that I am not there for her as her emotional crutch. Then for over a week I have not heard anything. The past two days she has emailed work stuff but also let me know she is having fun hanging with lots of friends. So it seems she is picking up on my tactic and giving it back to me. I have not seen any hint of her making any moves towards getting back together.

I have been advised to both contact her an to not contact her and be patient and wait. In the waiting period I am missing so many weekends where we could be doing fun stuff.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

_________________
flyboy

Just wanted to share my experience with a partial freeze out for two weeks I did with my GF.

I basically told her that I would be seeing her less for the following two weeks, because I needed to study for my exams. I would not message her as much and I would not see her at all during that period.

She said she understood, but I could see her that she did not like it.

She messaged me a lot during those two weeks eventhough I told her that it would distract me. She got a bit irritable, but nothing more than that.

When the two week was finally over, we had a date for going to the cinema.

I saw her for the first time again. It felt so good to kiss her again. It was clear that she thought the same thing.

When sitting on the train, I was sitting next to her, telling a story... and all of the sudden, I could feel this thing I've never felt before. I felt sexual tension! For the first time ever! When I felt it, I stopped my story and we both just looked at each other and both felt this energy that was very peculiar. It made me want to fuck her right then and there on the train but instead we just kissed passionately.

During the movies we kissed a lot and when we got home we kissed a lot. We both wanted to have sex so fucking bad, but we couldn't because her parents were home and I wasn't (invited) to stay over (did not want to invite myself over)

---

From were I'm coming from, is that this girl did not have sex with me for over a month before the two week freeze out. I know now that being less available like I did most def helped out in increasing her attraction. I mean, from not going to have any sex and not that much intimacy to a lot of intimacy and almost sex? that's a big notable difference for me

But I already made a mistake again. The night after we went to the movies, we texted 10x to each other each. I was available again. I don't know yet how this will play out.

She will stay with me for two weeks starting tomorrow, so I wonder how things will go.

Any comments or tips will be greatly appreciated.

FIRST post! Whoo hoo! Found this site yesterday and read every thread since, I love it!
I need some advice but I have a secret to confess, I'm a female.
I didn't see anything saying I couldn't post a question and I know it's not the same for men and women, but I think you guys could help me out. I will try to be as short as possible.
I'm 25. My boyfriend is 32. He was married for 6 years and has a child with his ex-wife. She left him, and I met him 4 months after that. He was obviously still shattered and heartbroken.
We started as FB. I'm very affectionate and good at making people feel good about themselves, and figured he could use that because of how he was feeling.
He was slightly uncomfortable with it at first, because he said he never got that much attention from any of his other relationships he had before (he has only been with 4 girls). And from what he has told me they were not very nice to him. I believe he has major self-esteem issues.
After a couple months he told me he loved me. (Guess my external validation was working.) I told him I loved him too (I did have strong feelings for him at this point). We were spending a lot of time together and I would go to his house and snuggle with him while he cried, and was always there for him.
I would do anything I could to try to cheer him up. Even tried an attempt at a threesome with my girlfriend. LOL. Anything to make him happy for a little bit. He wasn't into it tho. Afterwards he tells me he prefers when it's just us. (Yeah right! Give it a couple years ) So we decided we would continue to take it slow, but would be exclusive.
After six months things changed. He became distant. He said he didn't want to get hurt again and he still felt the same way about me but didn't want to tell me that he loved me anymore. Of course it hurt, but we did get into a relationship pretty fast and hearts take a long time to heal. So I gave him space. And that's how things have been since.
We see each other maybe once every 2 weeks (if i'm lucky). I go to his house and will stay the night and we leave together in the morning because he has to go to work. When we see each other we always FC(?) multiple times, and it's amazing. He will usually text/call every morning on his way to work and that's it. If I try to call him during the day, or text him he won't respond. He says he is busy at work, but I figure that's his lil alpha male trick.
I am absolutely head over heels about this guy. I trust him completely, and don't mind the rate things are going. I think after a time he will realize I am not like her, and trust that I really do care about him.
I would like him to answer my calls/texts more often and spend more time with me, but I don't push it onto him, I want him to make the decision.
I would also like to add that since they broke up he has quit smoking and drinking, and started working out.
OK!
Here are my questions:
1) Am I an idiot for giving so much to him when at the moment I'm not getting the same back?
2) Do you think he is using me because of the way I make him feel?
3) Should I freeze him out for a bit so he will make more of an effort? I don't want to hurt him tho.
4) Is it because his self-esteem is so low he isn't putting effort into this relationship because he doesn't think I will stick around? Or am I making myself too available?
5) Are there ways I can manipulate the games to make him feel like an alpha-male?

I think that's it! Thanks!

You should have my number.

About the situation, I understand your bf and I understand why he would be afraid of commitment. I've never been married but I was in a LDR (long distance relationship) for three years some two years back. That ex broke up with me in my bed on my birthday (long story short), and I basically refused to commit myself to any other girl for another year.

I'd react like you bf is right now, even with a FB who latter became my gf for a year and a half: I would call the moves. If I texted my gf, I wanted her to respond. If she texted me, I wouldn't necessarily respond. Depending on people (such as me at the time), that's a way to demonstrate higher value.

Concerning your questions.

1. He is giving back to you a lot, just in a guy way. If he weren't, he wouldn't text you or call you every (other) day. Even if he doesn't say it, he most probably loves you.

2. No.

3. No. That will hurt him, as you can imagine. Maybe can you laugh about it when you're physically with him, e.g. "I sent you a message the other day and you didn't answer. Did your kid delete the message? Hahaha!"

4. Yes, he might be afraid you won't stick around and doesn't want to be too attached to you.

5. That's a very good question. However, that's really what we refer to as inner game. He has to show to himself why he's an alpha male.

Hope that helps!

Thank you! That helps a lot actually! 95% of the time I am fine with how things are, but once in a while I worry. But you made me feel better.
I use humour all the time, especially to call him out on something small. I try not to bring his son up since the ex is making it hard to see him. But I have said something along the lines of "I know girls blow your phone up all the time, but I'm like top 5 right? So I know you'll respond before the end of the week." He knows I trust him 100% and he doesn't have girls call him. Or "I thought you smashed your phone again." which is an inside joke. So he knows that I noticed, but I'm not demanding him to change, just bringing it to his attention.

I'm sure he will find his inner game eventually. I just thought there were some things I could do to show him I realize his dominance. Like I let him make the choice of destination if we go out somewhere and I usually try to get him to lead our conversations. And I ask his advice on things he knows a lot about. Not sure if it works for him, but I will continue to try.

Thanks again for the advice! It helped me understand him a little more.
I wouldn't mind hearing other points of view on the matter, if there are any more.[/quote]