Hi Guys,

The truth is I’m scarred of conflict, terrified in fact. It’s the biggest thing that holds me back when it comes to gaming. I’m worried that a girl may turn on me, she may say something nasty or she may have a boyfriend/brother who may take a dislike to me and subsequently insult or getting funny with me. I am too sensitive and I do get offended easily and worry that someone may say something nasty to me. It even stops me from getting into a relationship, avoiding the whole horrible arguing and slagging matches.

I once told a girlfriend about all this and she turned to me and said unsympathetic and nonchalantly: “no one is going to beat you up for no reason.” The moron completely missed my point. I’m not scared of being physically attacked at all, just verbally, which is far more likely. I was always brought up to believe that the best way to win an argument is to avoid it which is why I avoid all situations where conflict could arise. on the odd occasions in my life when someone has been rude to me, I end up hating them and stew over it for days sometimes weeks.

It stops me from wearing garish fashions, stops me asserting myself, stops me from going to chav-ey clubs (ie: most clubs in all honesty). I know I’ll get really offended if someone says something nasty to me. I'd like to own my own business one day, but I sincerely worry about arguing or conflict with staff.

I would like to toughen up, remain friendly but not be worried about conflict, not worry that people will think less of me if I assert my point. But I can’t and it’s my biggest sticking point when it comes to getting the ladies.

Hope someone can help. I suppose I just don’t want to be made to look like an idiot.

Sorry if this subject has already been posted. I did search, I couldn’t find it.

1. Try to have a more positive outcome in your mind. Invision yourself succeeding not failing.
2. If that does not work, seperate yourself from the outcome of the interactions.
3. Man up. There are always conflicts in this world. It happens.
4. Be positive.
5. Have Fun

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you my friend suffer from what i call a fear of micro rejection. micro rejection is when you are rejected on a small scale. eg, getting denied a number or getting blown out on the aproach. many people take these types of rejection very pesonaly and belive that if all dose not go well, there will be a majore conflict.

first off, you must realise that when you get micro rejected she is not rejecting you as a person. after all how can she? she just met you so how can she reject your personality if she dosnt even know who you are???
she is not rejecting you, she is simply rejecting your aproach.

the only way to fix this would be to fix your apraoch. if you can manage that then you can open up converstion without fear of conflict.

your biggest problem however is the fact that you try to AVOID conflict. just the same as many PUAs in the comunity try to AVOID rejection.

You say: “I was always brought up to believe that the best way to win an argument is to avoid it which is why I avoid all situations where conflict could arise.”

this is never a good thing.
its all well and good avoiding conflict, but the fact of the matter is, you still arnt getting rid of it. the fear of conflict still remains. You can learn all the techniques you want about avoiding conflict but they wont help you get rid of that fear.

This is realy bad because when you are faced with a conflicted situation you will have no idea how to deal with it and it will hit you like a huricane. like you also said: “on the odd occasions in my life when someone has been rude to me, I end up hating them and stew over it for days sometimes weeks.”

The problem is, you cant keep on avoiding your fears, you have to tackle them head on and conquer them. Instead of going out and learning how to AVOID conflict, go out and learn how to DEAL WITH conflict. This way when you are faced with a conflicting situation, you will know how to handle it without getting yourself into a state.

Hope this helps.

Best of luck

kassio

Start answering these questions to urself...

Why do u care what other people (especially random guys) think about u? Would u rather play or sit on the sidelines? If a girl doesn't dig u off the bat n u don't fuck her, how is that different from not fucking her because u didn't try? If girl straight clowns on u (never fucking happens to me) why is it so crushing to u? Why run away from conflict instead of towards it with fists clenched? If its fight or flight what do you think typical alpha primate behavior is?

I understand what ur going through, but ur fear is ur paralysis. U need to learn to really fucking love urself. If u r that cool with u, u wont give a shit if anyone else is. What this all stems from is ur fragile ego n u not being sure u "deserve" what u want. This world is full of people creating their own destiny. If u believe u can't handle ish, u can't. If u believe u can do anything, its 1/2 way done. Remember fortune favors the bold. That's because shit tends to work out for ppl going out making shit happen. The ppl on the sidelines can get scraps.

Hey I'm_Just_Me,

I sympathize with you a lot when I encounter an unpleasant scenario I stew over it for along time as well more often with "I wish I said that" type stuff.

When I was a student I lived in two very confrontational house holds and in my final year I had a flat mate who would use intimidation (physical and verbal) as a means to get his point across and to "win" a lot of the time the attacks would have been seemingly unprovoked and in true PUA lingo AMOGing.

Back to you....

The best things to do (I wish I had done these things in the past) is remain in a controlled volume and instead point out to people what they are actually doing and suggesting why they are doing it (but do NOT appear smug when its to loutish blokes or they'll use it as an invite to escalate confrontation).

More often than not for these douches in life attack is the best form of defense and some people thrive on being nasty on first encounters. In response they say: "I don't care I just say it how it is!"-believing they are somehow mature but rather the contrary. When someone says "I hate you" straight away your probably going to ask them "why" and seek there approval. Instead realize that such an approach is a cover-up, either for their personal insecurities or the weaknesses in their views.

I have found game and spectating politics has actually given me significant learning curves in these areas of social dynamics.

Peace,
Clae

Some of the stuff Kassio has said is also top notch advise, I suggest you take that on board too.

Don't go out looking for conflict or getting involved in other's conflicts but when it comes your way address it.

AMAZING POST. It is unrealistic to think conflict never happens. It is so muc better learn how to handle it. You'll think better on your feet and when an actual serious problem happens you will be more confident

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Ask yourself three questions:

1) What does conflict avoidance do FOR me?

2) What does it do TO me?

3) What COULD I do differently?

Yeah, you can "man up"--but the to do that I would say start by recognizing that conflict is your friend.

No, really.

Do you want to live a passionate life? A life where there is something at stake? Then you need to put some fucking energy out into the world! If you don't give people, targets or otherwise, something to push back against, you are disqualifying yourself. Niceness kills game--which is not to say you can't be a good human being. The truth is that "conflict avoidance" (and I'm speaking from experience of someone who was a hardcore conflict avoider) ends in secrecy, dishonesty, and boredom.

Practical advice: Go out with the intent of doing a little conflict. Work some negs in almost from the get go; have some come-backs ready if you get dissed, not anger of offense, but engagement. At first it will feel like you are swinging a 2 X 4 with even low-scale "conflict"--let yourself get used to that feeling.

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Cuts like a knife

Great thread, I think this is a common problem among guys. I agree with the replies so far, especially with that of Kassio

Let me add something here: usually this type of anxiety is an emotional HABIT (or pattern) that you have learned during your upbringing. This happen a lot with people who have had a lot of emotional "beating up" or nagging from their parents and learned that it is very painful to express one's own feeling/opinion, out of fear of being "attacked". Of course I don't know you, but I suspect this might be your issue.
My suggestion for that is to become AWARE of when it happens and realize that it's an irrational fear. Of course, it's easier said than done. To get rid of this problem one needs to go through a committed process of becoming aware and present with ones feelings and to release the fear, as opposed to NUMBING your emotion every time it's coming up (which is a natural learned defense mechanism, which unfortunately can create a lot of problems such as intimacy issues and so on).

Hope this hleps
Ivan

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Also, don't be afraid to stick up for yourself, because no one else will.

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