Some days ago I realized something that I would like to share with you. It changed the way I view things. I don't have the experience in dating to call myself a dating guru (yet) but I'm quite good at understanding life's dynamics and cause and effect. The key to success is spelled self-respect. The way you behave is according to your survival strategy. A strategy you developed as a kid, and therefore you subconsciously believe it. You think it serves you. When you're shy or scared, that's an effect of something you think serves you. When you understand why you behave in certain ways, you can begin to mold your life. You can change your thinking patterns. Before you understand your survival strategy, (in my view) you cant. You can't FIGHT something you subconsciously believe serves you. It's like trying to not like apples, when you like them. I got an understanding of my own strategy, and I think it's the same as for a lot of you guys, so I hope this will help you as much it has helped me. This has been my survival strategy: I lower my own value in order to get the approval of others. I try not to get in their way for them to like me. In other words I make myself miserable in order to get approval. It has been my CHOISE. It has been my strategy for feeling good, but it hasn't filled its purpose. It has only made me weaker and sad. The thoughts I have been thinking are the cause, and the life I have experienced is the effect. When you see why you do things and that they don't even fulfill its purpose, you can logically convince your old beliefs that they are not true. This is a text I wrote for myself as a sort of affirmation, and maybe it can help you to:

"I have lowered myself to give other people approval and to show them my appreciation, that's kind of stupid, because my world is my world and their worlds are theirs. I have responsibility for my own happiness and others for theirs. I have lowered my own value for their sake, I don't have to, and they don't need it. Now I begin to live my life for me instead. I have said to others (subconsciously) "I feel bad for your sake, so that you can like me", but that's not a good idea. My wellbeing is the highest priority in my life, then what happens, happens. It doesn't matter, if I'm happy. This doesn't necessarily mean that that I should be of higher value than others, that's up to them, I don't care. Sometimes I have even stopped myself from enjoying my life and having fun, because then I don't insult people who have a rough time. Now I choose a different path, I will start enjoying my life so that I can be an inspiration to others! I have said "I'm worthless, give me your approval" as my strategy to fit in, and it's not WRONG, it just doesn't fill its purpose. It's not very sexy. Sometimes, when people insult me, I have become angry with them and felt even worse. "Can't you see that I give away my happiness for your sake, and you give me this back!?". I give my happiness to myself instead, and then my happiness is guaranteed! I'm ALLOWED to feel good, and I'm ALLOWED to not give away my happiness to show people that I like them. They don't even know my motives. I'm ALLOWED to choose to be me! I have imagined myself doing a favor to others by SPAM my happiness, and even by being angry at them for not accepting it or realizing it (I have done this a lot to girls), so stupid. If I allow myself to be happy, I don't have the need to be angry. This helps them a lot more. I have imagined other people to feel sorry for me if I'm miserable, but it just annoys them. The only person's love I can demand is my own. The life I have lived has broken my heart, no one else has. Now I respect my heart and protect it. Now I put myself first."

You have to give YOURSELF love instead of giving others to get their approval. This is not a selfish thing, it's not until you live your life for yourself that you can become genuinely generous and loving. This gives a different perspective. Another important thing is to remind yourself of WHY you want a change in your life. A good reason for me has been "If I don't change I can either become gay or kill myself, cause the life I live now don't serve me". You have to remind yourself to keep the motivation up.

A very rewarding visualization technique for self-love I came up with is this:
Imagine two pictures of you embracing/hug each other in the same way you want others to hug you. This may feel a little awkward at first but it's totally worth it! Do this practice at a regular basis, especially when you encounter negative emotions. With the visualization you say to yourself that it's okay to feel that way. This may seem a little strange and you may think "I can't allow this, can I?", and yes, you can! That's the trick. When you resist your feelings they get even worse. This becomes easier when you see that your negative emotions are a part of that old belief system and that they don't serve you the way you subconscious believe.

Another key is, as David DeAngelo puts it, to enjoy the evolving process even more than the outcome. It should be fun! Laugh when you "fail" and learn from it. And failure is of course nothing more than a part of that old belief system; it fits into that approval seeking model. Choose to turn your life around and walk a different path. You are allowed to become someone that has been "not you".

You become unbreakable when you don't need success, because failure is not a part of your model of life when you don't need approval. This is what MAKES you successful! Remember the key word: self-respect.

I hope this has been of help to some of you guys. Feel free to give me some feedback!

That's good stuff man, I can relate to a lot of it. I'm gunna save that affirmation haha

_________________
There's plenty more clunge in the sea

Glad to hear it HPM20! I'd like to add some lines to that affirmation:

"When I allow myself to be influenced by other people's negativity, I give them the command. Some people hang with me because I lower myself, they want to be the one who controls me. They don't want to be equal. If people need me to lower my value when I'm with them, to give me their approval, I'd rather be without them. I don't need that. I change my old beliefs of myself, even if this new attitude of mine ruins our friendship. I can give them love, but I can't allow myself to let them break me down. If my love isn't enough I don't need them. I never have the need to give others my approval, whether it's a man or a woman. If I like someone, they'll notice. I don't have to do anything more than that."

I relate to this perfectly. Thanks alot for making it 100%
clear for me why I've been feeling like shit lately. And the
model of seeing yourself hugging yourself, I will use it on
a regular basis.

Good work.

Great post dude! I can't relate to all of it, but i think every normal guy experienced at least a few of the things you described. With me it was for my ex-gf, who just had some kind of effect on me. When we broke up i realized i was seeking to much approval from others and my happiness was based on what others thought about me. I wasn't always like that though, not even close, it was when i fell in love with this girl i started changing in that way and it caused me to miss out on alot of things!

I'd like to add something to your post though, this is one of the things that helps me alot to make it easier not to seek approval from others and not beating myself up over stuff that might upset me. I think one of the main reasons people get dissapointed or angry about is because they have expectations. For example:
My (girl)friend is having a really rough week and asks if she could come over because she needs some comforting, i used to try really hard to make up for her rough week by getting food she likes f.e. or renting her favorite movie. Usually people appreciate your trouble to make them feel better, but when she shows up 45 minutes late, sits texting through the whole movie and leaves without even a 'thanks' it hurts your feelings. Not that any at least human girl would do all of these, but i'm exaggerating a little. My point being, people that sacrifice anything for anyone at least expect some apprecation in return. When that's not happening you'll become needy and whiny, because you will beat yourself up over why she acted like she did and maybe angry because you cancelled on some party or something. I decided not to have expectations of any kind anymore, and at first it's hard not to care when something like this happens. When this happens i think of it like this: I gave this girl a great night, it's a good deed, she clearly didn't react the way i thought she would, but i'm actually a very sweet guy doing this for her. I turn it around to make myself feel good about the attempt to cheer her up.

Haakzter that's great to hear!
Minime that's a good point. It's kind of the same as I meant with "The only person's love I can demand is my own". And in a situation like that you may ask yourself if you're maybe actually worth more than that.

Yeah i got that idea when reading your post, but that part is one i actually can relate to. It's not just about loving tho, same as when buy a friend a candy bar when you have money and he or she doesn't. Then a time comes when your friend has money and you don't, it's pretty easy to make that same expectation. You want your friend to buy you the candy bar since roles are turned. People can get over a candy bar, but in the future won't buy a candy bar again since your friend didn't return the favor. It's only a candy bar, but for alot of people things like this (if it happens more often with someone) help them decide wether someone is a good friend or not. Or can infuence the level of negative or positive feelings you have towards them. If you let that all go, even if you'd buy 100 candy bars without even a jelly bean in return, i just don't think about that because all 100 times i bought my friend a candy bar we had a nice time.

I apologize for my probably unclear story, but i'm dutch and a bit buzzed right now^^

Note: This is Minime btw, but i decided to change my nickname since Minime is kind of childish and a name i would now use to call my dick..

Yeah dude, I know exactly what you mean. I'd like to add some more:

"Don't TRY to get more respect from women (or men of course) who doesn't respect you by negging them. If you want to neg people, make sure you do it from self-respect. You can't fake it. On the other hand, if you do it from self-respect, it's really powerful! I somewhere believe that my behaviors and thought patterns that break me down are going to make me happy in the long run. I think I want them. But they're not making me happy. I don't want them. Try to see how you think you're going to benefit from your negativity, and see that it's not true. Negativity is NOT going to pull good things to me. I believe I can get what I want by doing resistance and whining, but that's not the truth. See how you have tricked yourself. It's okay to both be romantic/loving and the opposite, as long as it comes from your heart, if you feel that it's right. But it's not going to give me anything if I’m "loving" just to get something back. That's manipulation and it only lowers my own value in my own eyes and others. Remember that when I fuck up in a situation and becomes approval seeking and dwell upon it afterwards, that's still approval seeking in your head AFTERWARDS. Turn it around. Sometimes I see other people as a threat, they're not. Not if I make them a threat. It is the thought that they're a threat that makes them a threat. I don't need that. When I make someone a threat, that's just my defense from being of lower value. That MAKES me of lower value if I have to fight for it. This of course doesn't stop me from taking action if someone is beating my girlfriend or whatever. When you let go of your approval seeking, those depressive feelings may turn into anger or sadness and that's great. That means that I’m starting to allow myself to feel. When I get nervous when I'm about to approach a woman, that's because I believe I have to give them something or prove myself to them. I don't have to. When I believe that I have to, that's just my need for approval that's speaking. When I think I have to prove myself, that's as frustrating to them as it is for me. Sometimes I try to hold on to my negativity to be able to work on it. That doesn't do me any good. That's just my negativity that is trying to work on itself. It's the same old thought pattern that's trying to get its way back through the back door, don't allow yourself to be fooled. The only thing that works is by turning it around towards positivity. Fuel your motivation by remembering why you want to change and that the negativity won’t do you any good".

First off there are way too many words in this post to register any true meaning. Secondly I am very skeptical of you because you have very few posts. Secondly you said "formula" like confidence and leadership is something you can cultivate in a lab. How about being yourself? I really like some of these tips but I think it's a little forced and dribbled in a lot of stuff. I'm just saying, you’re saying a lot of words and yet you aren't saying a lot. That is of no offense of course.

_________________
The Masturbation Federation

What does the number of posts have to do with anything? If it works for you it works, if it doesn't work it doesn't. I just share what has made me grow more the last week than anything has in my whole life. I get a waaay better response from women now than before. When I come up with something I write it down on my phone, then I share it. It's both a way to get it in even more into my own mind, and to maybe help a few others. If others get something from it thats great. These are things that make me allow myself to be myself. If you think my words aren't saying anything, that's up to you. To me they say everything. Maybe I should have called it "The alpha male formula (for me)", but I can't see why that would matter.