Exploring my Inner Game:

It's interesting to note how many guys who invest their time studying attraction that at one point in their lives, they had a serious case of oneitis. I've noticed that it seems to be a recurring theme as a topic of discussion on many forums.

I myself have oneitis. I can tell you now that it is a very real and devastating disease! I recently caught it the last few months. Over a girl who I hold regrets for not having slept with. You see, it was at the time, forbidden by my family to be with her; because she was adopted by my aunt and so, for the longest time with my Dad's intervention and some very effective brainwashing techniques, I ended up keeping her at arms length. So, now get this, in the last few months, I think I may have ended up falling in love with my adopted first cousin. Fuck!

What a messed up upbringing! I first met my cousin (N) when she was 5 1/2 years old. While I was visiting my eccentric aunt (who was unable to have children), had one day introduced me to a new family member.

I remember when I was a kid, I was standing in my aunt's corridor, and my eyes were intrigued by this beautiful girl standing before me. She was wearing a long yellow dress with silk flowers attached to it. (N) had this gorgeous long hair all the way down to her ass. , she kept the length until her 20's. Back home she was known as the girl with the exotic long hair. Actually, come to think of it, her name at that time was (C). She was later baptized and christened with a new name. It was a bit strange that for the first few months I knew her as (C) and then one day, she was (N).

Dad trained me from an early age to keep my distance and remain indifferent towards her. Even though she continuously pursued me, I always rejected her. I was told she was NO GOOD, a slut, someone who would never stay with me, a girl who went with everyone, that she would cheat on me. So as the years passed she moved on and made a life of her own in the States. For the longest time I couldn't care less about her. Of course with that mental block which was placed there in my youth it was fairly easy to keep her at a distance.

She had a terrible upbringing which we discovered later on in life. I could recall that at a very early age she began to explore her sexuality with boys. Me being one of them.

Over the years she ended up becoming extremely promiscuous having slept with countless men. As far as I can remember she did NOT use protection because she insisted on "feeling a guy cum inside of her".

Thinking back as a child I witnessed the lack of feeling this girl had. It looked as if her soul was ripped and the overlying emotion left, was one of emptiness inside of her. The violation she suffered, could be understood by a child.

Personally, I don't consider it was "normal" for a five year old little girl to french kiss multiple boys in a room. At that age she should have been playing with dolls not with me. And from my own experience, when she kissed me, I felt like she was going through the motions. We found out later she was sexually abused. And to this day, she has not sought help. She is aware there's a problem with her behavior, but has yet to get professional help. Who knows...maybe one day.

So now I find myself experiencing an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously which has led to my posting this topic in the forum.

I'm guessing that I am going through this personal experience because I recently lost my Dad. Amazing how the death of a loved one could deeply affect someone.

Until my Dad died a few months ago, I never really cared for her. But something happened. Now I find myself constantly thinking about her. Not so much the thought of having a relationship or casual sex with her, but I keep going back to our history together. It's like this Pandora's Box opened up and I can't close it.

Now this flooding of emotions has been pouring out of me the last month or so, and the mental and emotional process I've been going through has been exhaustive. So yeah! Only until recently, had my feelings for her resurfaced. Emotions which with Dad's help, were successfully suppressed over the years; had now started to come alive. I couldn't understand it, why was this happening to me? And why now?

Well, if I'm honest with myself and take into consideration all the events I've been dealing with recently, I would say my Dad's death in March 2011, had a significant impact on me. Now that mental shield to block out (N) which, he so strategically placed there, was now gone.

Holy shit! what a fucking disaster it was for the last couple of months. I never in my life balled my eyes out for a woman like I had for her. NO! not because I didn't fuck her I had plenty of chances...

I keep going back to that poor little girl who was sexually violated. It's heartbreaking, even remembering that at the time, I was a kid myself, I could remember on so many occasions as I peered into her eyes, I experienced a profound emptiness. It caused me to see her as an object. Someone to "practice" sexual exploration with. A kind of spare tire. But it never happened. That would have been a fucking disaster, because had I gotten together with her, we probably would have ended up having children together and end up miserable, throwing our youth away.

So over the years, I stayed away even though she kept pursuing me up until our mid-twenties.

I've accepted the fact that because I've known her for so long, she's may be in my life forever. Recently I convinced myself to believe that out of ALL the guys she's gotten acquainted to or been with, I am the ONLY one who's known her intimately for this long. I was thinking ludicrous thoughts, which caused me to experience a very unhealthy co-dependency for her. I thought that if anybody was going to guide her to a better life it would be me. What arrogance and desperation...what a fucking huge ego. It's selfish to think that way! Even though I have the resources and finances to help her straighten out, unless she wants to,only she could help herself. I even went so far to look into the counselling process for her.

A friend of mine who's a psychologist, assured me that the process would be up to two years maybe three and then (N) could finally move on and overcome those demons which have been destroying her life. But, in the end we all make the bed we have to sleep in.

I feel like I am experiencing a type of cognitive dissonance. On the one hand hand I want to be there for her, and on the other I feel I should stay away.

I've gotten to the point where I'm exploring my growth as a man. While looking inwards, peering into myself in brief moments of clarity, I find that out of my own insecurities, LSE and the fact that I haven't fucked a chick in over six years, I have to do something for the sake of my health physically and mentally. My self preservation depends on it. I've reached a crisis point which I must evolve out of in order to survive.

I'm reminded of what Professor Barnhardt said to Klaatu in the movie "The Day the Earth Stood Still"
Life....what do you do?

_________________
"There are two lessons you MUST learn in life my son...always watch where you sign your name...and always watch where you put your dick!"

Yiannis Pantis (Kolonia)

go have sex with other girls, oneitis is usually because a guy either, CANT GET ANY AT ALL PERIOD so he stresses a whole lot of importance on the girl giving him the most interest (but usually has to be physically attractive to him) and if physically attractive enough just offering rapport and no interest guys will often just have delusions that there is interest there, when clearly there is not, next another common reason for one-itis is lack of motivation, a guy seduces a girl, it works out, he wants to settle for what he has, the girl moves on or cheats, he wants to still be with that girl because it is easier then going out and getting a new one

MAN THE FUCK UP, GO FUCK 10 OTHER GIRLS

That makes slot is sense pumIngton hahaha anyway yea man plus you don't wanna disrespect your dads wishes.

Sounds like you have to blow through your emotions with her. And you should listen to pumpington. Just go out and meet girls. Best way to get over people. If you haven't had sex in 6 years, I'm pretty sure the first girl or two will have a huge impact on you anyway, which will probably help with the emotions you have of her.

Maybe, this might work for you..

Every single time you feel something for this girl, think about your father. That man raised you to be who you are, he taught you all that he could and in his eyes, it was for the best you and this woman never get together.

Do you want to still go against everything he wished against his whole living life, just because he's not there anymore?

If you do, shame on you, Sir 'cause that girl is not your own, your Father was.

_________________
" You're born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts. But I never forget. I'm living like there's no tomorrow, because there isn't one. "

Maybe I should find myself a Pro to relieve myself. Do it a few times to realize how easy the availability is to get a blowjob. While at the same time work on my Game with local girls in my area.

Shouldn't cost me much...depending on what part of town she works in. But then again I'm thinking if I go that route I'll be compromising my morals and thus lowering my value as a man having to resort to prostitution?

There's a lot more going on...I have to do a complete overhaul of my Inner and Outer Game. I'll get into that in a later post....

Cognitive Dissonance is a BITCH to live with!


DL

_________________
"There are two lessons you MUST learn in life my son...always watch where you sign your name...and always watch where you put your dick!"

Yiannis Pantis (Kolonia)

So I get a phone call a couple of weeks ago from (N) inviting me to attend her daughter's 10th B-day party which was to be held at an all-you-can-eat-sushi place in a trendy part of the city. Right after work I was on my way to meet everyone at the restaurant. And when I arrived I found my immediate family sitting at a table with (N) and her two kids. The restaurant was crowded that afternoon, and after I freshened up in the washroom, I then sat next to her kids across from my Mom at the table. (N) suggested that I sit across from her but I declined to do so. The food had already arrived and I mentioned to my brother that I was unable to read the menu due to a headache I’d been suffering. I asked him if he could order some protein based foods as I was on an Atkins type diet. As the food arrived I ate as much as I could, and when I couldn't eat anymore, more food kept coming to the table. He kept passing over to me plates full of meat or chicken and when I told him that I reached my limit...he gets upset...calls me a fucking asshole loud enough for everyone in the restaurant to hear...and then... only a few seconds later...(N) joins in, and with a stern voice and look agreed with my brother.
That fucking cunt http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slOE8_QMiWA. Needless to say....I was very uncomfortable.

Then to top it off there was some flirting going on between my brother and (N). What a fucking betrayal! He’s an incorrigible man. Thinking back....He's betrayed me countless time for money, physical threats of violence to usually feed his addictions but, for years I found I was able to deal with whatever he threw at me. Because after all...we are brothers right. I would always forgive him no matter what...family always came first. Loyalty, trust, respect...until recently, I’ve come to realize that his values and beliefs are NOT the same as mine! There are certain boundaries I would NEVER cross with my brother, or a friend...and considering what I`ve gone through recently with my Dad’s passing... he's crossed the line! Especially with the knowledge that I had recently gone through an emotional catharsis with (N).


This may indicate the beginning of my separation from my brother.

The next day I called my brother over the phone and I tried to casually bring up my concerns, it felt like i was walking on eggshells the whole time. I figured that by selecting a comfortable environment, our conversation would have had a likelier chance of success.

I discussed the events of him insulting me in a public setting with family present I left out the obvious flirting between him and (N). I did not accuse or attack him, or attempt to tell him what I may have believed his thoughts or motives were. Rather, using "I statements" such as "I did . . ." or "When you did this, I felt . . ." I communicated my thoughts clearly to him. He responded by telling me that he could not give me word that he would never disrespect me again. I ended the call by referring to him as a bully and a jerk!

Boundaries are supposed to establish emotional safety between people. However, when a family member continually tramples boundaries by mistreating or disrespecting you, what do you do? In my case I confronted him with the intent of setting reasonable limits to the relationship but to no avail, I feel like writing him off. Personal boundaries are supposed to be healthy limits set by one person to prevent someone else from taking advantage of a relationship or acting disrespectfully. Setting relationship boundaries should be a proactive way of saying to friends and relatives: "I will respect you and I request that you respect me."

Later on...I get this text from him...
I am having a hard time with this!


DL

_________________
"There are two lessons you MUST learn in life my son...always watch where you sign your name...and always watch where you put your dick!"

Yiannis Pantis (Kolonia)