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So last Friday I was cleaned, dressed and ready to go out. I don't have a lot of single friends right now, so I would be sarging along which was the plan. As it got closer and closer to time to go out, I lost my nerve. I have absolutely no game when sarging alone and I knew it. I would end up sitting at the bar, alone, for several hours before going home depressed. I couldn't handle this, so I decided to switch up my plans. I drove around for a little bit, looking for something to do - perhaps a larger club or something would be better than a small local bar. I ended up at a strip club.
I don't think it was a coincidence that I ended up in a strip club. I was driving down Michigan Avenue near Detroit, which is notorious for it's strip clubs. I really just didn't want to go out to a club or bar, and I wanted a little female attention.
What I found was basically a whore house that said "gentlemans club" on the front. Women were openly propositioning me for sex. One of them was really attractive, and quite convincing. The price was right and I had it on me. Her eyes really sold it. She had the most beautiful eyes. So she took me into the back and fucked my brains out (protected). I paid her and went home happy.
I have really mixed feeling about this. This "moment of weakness" was really a series of bad decisions. Right now I am at a point in my life where I am really sexually vulnerable. I recently broke up with my gf, and the sex was never very satisfying. After breaking up with her, I found myself exteremely sexual frustrated. I just wanted to fuck someone. Being unable to immediately find someone to fuck, I started looking at hooker ads and such and seriously considered calling and setting something up. Deciding that was unsafe for a number or reasons, I started trying to find safer ways to vent my sexual frustrations. Obviously this did not work.
I also fear that I may still be vulnerable to this weakness. I now know where I can easily find a fairly affordable prostitute. Every time I think about it... the situation was hot and it arrouses me. I kind of want to go back. The sex was incredible.
I don't want to continue down this path. It's dangerous and damaging to my sexual image and game. I'm trying to arrange a few sitations where I can have sex without having to pay for it, including working on a overweight ex gf just to get some on the side, but it's taking more time than I have. My sex drive is on full bore, and I'm jerking off multiple times daily.
At the same time, I want to try and take something positive out of this. I have obviously repressed my sexuality for far too long. Most of my life, I've dismissed my sexuality as "unimportant" or controllable. During my recently ended relationship, I actually preferred masturbation to sex with her. When she wasn't into it, the sex was so mediocre that I was better off mastrubating, so I never pursued sex with her when she wasn't into it. I see now that my sexuality is important and that I should not have dismissed it so easily. I should have expressed my sexual frustration then instead of letting it build up as I did. I want to use this experience to empower myself in the future. I have a right to desire sex. I've been a victim of women dismissing mens sexual desires as "we are only interested in sex". That simply isn't true, but sex is important. If the sex isn't satisfying, it's highly likely that the relationship won't be either.
However, a part of me fears my own sexuality. At times I feel like I am a sexual deviant. Obviously, sex with a prostitute is a deviant behavior. I have sexual feelings towards young, sometimes underage, women, although I would never persue sexual feelings towards and underage woman. I have other strange sexual desires that I'm not sure I'm comfortable with. There's some sexual sitations that turn me on, but I'm not sure I'd ever want to participate in. For example: the idea of DP'ing a woman turns me on greatly, but I'm not sure I'd ever want to actually do it. There is a part of me that fears embracing my sexuality will only open me up to these baser instincts that could be dangerous or damaging. Perhaps embracing my sexuality could be done with some restraint, but I'm not really sure how to do that. Restraint is all I've done for my entire life, I'm afraid that if I open up a little, the flood gates could come raging open.
Or perhaps I need to speak to a sexual conselor or something? I'm not sure. I can't even tell my friends that I had sex with a whore, let along go into detail about my sexuality with a conselor.
Any advice?
No desire, feeling or action you've described in this post is abnormal or deviant.
You're absolutely right to have sexual desires you want to fulfil, and are totally within your rights to do so however you choose.
If you think YOURs are weird, read "My Secret Garden" by Nancy Friday, to discover the incredibly creative, twisted, fascinating world of female sexual fantasy. Compared to them, you're BORING!
Coming out of a relationship, you will feel somewhat vulnerable, and that's ok, everyone is in that situation. A lot of guys, including myself, feel like after a serious breakup, you want to just go out and have a lot of casual sex to get yourself back out there and feeling that sense of well-being and abundance.
There's nothing wrong with hanging out at a strip club, or occasionally paying for sex, although I wouldn't make it a long-term habit, as it won't solve your problems, won't help your bank statement, and will not help your gaming ability.
CHAT
