I feel you, and thank for opening up, but again, I think you've been misinterpreting my intention. I think you think I am telling the OP to try his god dam hardest if he truly cares about the girl. Who wouldn't? But there are circumstances where things can not be forgiven. Your point, your case.

I am in no way trying to manipulate or mislead OP's action. He can decide for himself at the end. He's has a pHD. However, emotions run high when it comes to relationship (i've been in the same shoes

In fact, I've asked a similar question here before with my first account so I am providing my experience.

When I first joined this forum cause i needed help, people were like trying to analyze my shet and judging me when all I came here for was creative solutions. I got no solutions, but bunch of bs that made me end up doing the wrong thing.

In fact, my situation is so similar to the OP's that the best advice I got here was to ditch the girl/ or that I need to work on some shet.

Good advices but was not what I came here for. Ended up listening to things that wasted my time and prevented me from pursuing what was in my heart. Forgiveness and try again. Take responsibility for the outcomes. and if I truly care about her and will forgive her, keep going.

however, so much time has passed that I've lost that opportunity. I do not want OP to be analysing shet he should not be analysing and just take actions. If he wants the girl, go for it, sort things out. Talk about it. Right?

And given the OP's requests, he wants to work things out. That is why he is asking for solutions. He didn't come here to be judged.

Furthermore, judging is so a cognitive flaw. When you judge you make assumptions about things you do not know for sure.

"Do what feels right". "Do what's in your heart"... All sounds good, but in reality, it's not. The OP doesn't know what's best for him.

Studies have shown that when it comes to relationship and decisions making, if you do not think about your problems and do not use logic, you end up making better decisions and have better outcomes.

In fact, it is worst you talk about the problems.

The studies show that the people who wrote out and talked about their problems distorted how they really feel about things and what the situation is really about.

So in conclusion, follow your heart works better. Using logic for relationship is bad. The reason you think using logic = reality is because you do not see the people who use their heart and succeeded in relationships coming to this forum.

And you end up only seeing the people who has relationship problems coming here thus affecting judgement.

Show me your source.

OP, the first problem you have is that any human, whether it be male or female wants what they cant have. Thats not to say that you cant want her, you just cant act like you want her. You said when you were acting cheerful and moving on with your life at that party she acted upset or shocked, thats because she realized she cant have something which is an automatic trigger for her to want you.

So my advice to you, act like shes the last thing you want. Im not saying to tell her you hate her, just keep the friends thing where its at, let her see you happy without her, date other women, who knows maybe youll find one you like more. Then her boss will be in the boat your in at the moment... that is if thats what you want...

Before doing this though you have to ask yourself a couple different questions to make sure youll be okay with the way you two will be IF you got back together. Would you be okay with the fact that at one point in time she wasnt sure she wanted to be with you and left you with somebody else? Would you be insecure everyday thinking about her working with the guy she left you for? You would have to completely and totally forgive her for these things shes done in the past (you saw how your insecurities directly impacted your relationship before and to work to get her back only to repeat it would be a huge waste of time you could be using to find a fresh start)

One thing i know i wouldnt be okay with is the fact that materials; her bosses house, financial situation, dog, penis size, yatta yatta yatta made a impact in her decision to leave rather then his personality in itself... sounds pretty materialistic... just sayin.

But whatever your decision is, Good luck

Had to looked through my lecture slides to find this for you.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/12/29/opini ... ?th&emc=th

Read this part onwards:

I think I can remember one "Get my ex back" post where the guy wrote, "I LOVE HER", and explained the situation though a non-vindictive, but remorseful way. Several guys have pm'd me with similar situtations: To them, I actually offered some ideas to make things right.

This one . . . he's no longer with her because he didn't care and he still doesn't care. The 'sting' is not from the removal of her from his life but rather the perception of her upgrade. And whether a girl wants to be with you or doesn't want to be with you is not a reason for a MAN to hitch up with a girl. Whether the girl is with a better guy or not is NOT a reason for a man to chase a girl. This is a pick up forum; these are the games that we play. Allowing these silly games to alter our hearts and our actions is idiotic.

Some realities:

1. He's not 'ditching' the girl. HE'S BEEN DITCHED.
2. There is not one sentence in the post that demonstrates he even LIKES THE GIRL.
3. Plenty of things to show that he's throwing a hissy fit merely due to the girl moving on to a better guy.

Again . . . this is a pick up forum, not a "She likes me so I should like her forum".

By the way, relying on referent power alone to either upgrade or downgrade an opinion is the domain of idiots; this type of blind faith is the reason why so many religious groups are so fucked.

Haha!

Thanks, Kasabi!

I was going to ask you to explain your earlier post in this thread as I just didn't quite get it. Not that I disagreed, it just wasn't clicking for me.

However, given the borderline flamewar waging, I had been sitting on the sidelines. Thanks for clarifying...

_________________
what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

"pussy is the most abundant commodity on the earth, next to water", Paul Janka

he obviously forgot about oxygen!

Thanks for clarifying the rational behind your earlier comments.

I just want to make a few more comments in regards to the points you've listed under "some realities" to finalize my point of view. (the numbers correspond the respective point)

1. By ditch, I meant in the context that things are not over yet. Sure, the girl has told him that she wants to break up, but the girl has not finalize that decision yet. She is hesitating because she still cares about him. Whether the feelings are still there, I do not know and neither do you.

In addition to this point, the source of their relationship problem is 'the OP's sense of insecurity for their future' and the girl sees this and that is why she states she has doubts and wants to leave. The source is what we need to address.

And whether the relationship ends or not depends on whether the source gets fixed or not.

Lastly, what do you mean the OP does not like the girl? If he did not, he would not even have stayed with her for like 1 year+, moved in together, and repeatedly saying that he will try his best to change. Read his 'current situation' part again.

3. This is natural response. Who wouldn't behave the way he did if someone threatens the security of your relationship? We can not blame this adequacy on the part of the person. it is the situation triggering his insecurity. And there are like two factors here: OP already feels insecure about their future+ her telling him that she's met someone better.

I think you've pretty much spotted on the OP's weaknesses. They are pretty accurate, but seems to me like you are blaming the OP too much.

He came here for solutions, tips not judgement. And the OP has pHD, do you think he does not realize his own faults and require us telling him about those? He knows his weaknesses, otherwise he would not have even come to this forum asking for help in the first place.

Last point: In regards to the following heart thing, counterintuitive following heart = logic in the context of relationships and complex feelings.

From NLP and cognitive psych classes, I learn that we use two system to think. They call it the dual-process model. You can think of this model like heart(intuition) vs brain.

The heart represents the unconscious mind where much more information from environment gets processed into that we are not fully aware of. The heart then while we sleep, not think, sorts out those information. And once that is done, we make better decisions because we are not biasing our judgement through choosing what we want to analyze by talking.

Never the less, I do not disagree with some of the points made, but I am just here to provide alternative angle on things and get people to reconsider the advices they give.