| I just wanna say how much it helps to get warmed up by talking to strangers during the day and also how this can help those negative "prediction" thoughts u have before u approach a girl. Even if these thoughts are not totally conscious (u just feel anxiety).
Every time you buy something in a shop, bar, restaurant or come across a receptionist, sit next to a person on the bus etc. Just asking how their day is for instance gets u in that sociable state. Plus it brightness up their day and yours. Then when it comes to approaching you have already lowered your anxiety a bit for talking to someone u dont know.
I think it also helps because a lot of the time these ppl may be bored at work and look a bit fed up or miserable and so u may think that the interaction won't go well as they don't look like they want to talk. But it usual does go well because they are grateful for someone relieving their boredom and being friendly. I think this will help when it comes to approaching girls because a lot off the time you will have these same thoughts. "she won't wanna talk to me. She doesn't look friendly. Ill leave that approach" etc. By talking to strangers during the day you will learn that predictions like "she won't wanna talk to me" or "she won't be friendly" are mostly not true and just your brain erring on the side of caution. Often people that dont look friendly are just bored or in a bad mood for a random reason or just tired, and they will be reasonably friendly.
Btw I think women are more likely to be friendly than guys because they feel more social pressure and also will be more grateful from male attention. But Im not just talking about women u fancy. Im talking about all women (yes chat to the bored miserable looking grandma serving you at the checkout)
I read this in an article somewhere and I think it helps so much. Instead of the first people u talk to being hot girls, easing into it by talking to random ppl makes it easier. But I thought Id add the idea of different stages:
You can start off with the easiest ppl that you are interacting with anyway like receptionists and cashiers and even ppl on the phone from a call centre if theres a period where they're not talkin., all you have to say is "how's your day been anyway?", or "how good is the weather today, hope it stays like this" or any situational opener. Don't worry that they're not exactly the most interesting things, its just friendly and making boring small talk but ppl still appreciate it. And then listen to their reply and see if you can keep it goin, especially with something funny.
Then you can start talking to those ppl your not directly dealing with but are still in close proximity to for a certain time while not much is happening like ppl in smoking area while ur smoking or the person in the queue with u, the person sitting next to u on the bus, park bench or in library etc. Something situational even of its just about the weather or maybe news. Even if its just situational like something stupid or funny u or they just did "I knew I got to much shopping to carry", "I can hardly walk after my hour workout" if someone looks at u at the gym,
In both these situations any thought that you have to yourself that is situational you can basically say to someone if its funny and they look at you. If its funny and about them then you mostly don't need then to look at you first eg "its a tough choice, white bread or Brown" if theyre spending a long time choosing which bread to buy.
Finally u can then talk to ppl that ur not in particuar proximity to but still have reason u wanna talk to them. Even "u know I have to talk to u. Ur to hot to ignore"
Just remember the more you go out of your way to talk to someone, the better of a reason u need to talk to them without it seeming weird. So if with someone youre interacting with anyway anyway (cashier, receptionist etc) and theres a moment of silence then u can say lots of things because your reason is relieving ur and their boredom. On the other end of the scale, a situational opener to a person u stop on the street can't be "Hows ur day been?" or "nice day today isn't it" lol. But it can be "I just had to stop u cos it so hot".
I find it helps to start off each day with the least demanding stage and work up. But u may not need to do this. Or, if your shit scared, just stay at this first stage all day for a week or two and then go up.
A few other pointers are...
- Exercise! Increases endorphins which will make you feel happier, less anxious and more sociable. It will help a lot, this is not a small point even tho I put it at the end.
Ever noticed how sports ppl always seen to be friendly, outgoing, sociable and happy? Sure its correlation and not necessarily causation, but considering what exercise does to the brain, im sure its part of the reason why.
My mums 5 sibling and my mum have all suffered from mental health problems. Border line personality disorder, depression and suicide attempts, drug and alcohol abuse. Apart from one who has played football since he was young and is the happiest most energetic friendly and possibly charismatic person I know. anecdotal evidence I know but still.
Exercise has been shown to considerably help with depression, mood, social anxiety etc.
- Don't worry/think about attracting girls while walking up to approach them or even when talking to them. The goal is approaching and nothing else. As sixty says in his method (even tho its for night game), opening aint shit. Open because YOU want to relieve YOUR boredom and want to see if u and her will have a fun chat...
-Another useful mind set is that you're opening just to practice opening. If you're not good at opening its because u havn't had enough practice. It doesn't matter if they all tell u to fuck off. U know your not great at opening because u get anxious about it and this is because u havn't done it much. U fell off the bike loads when u learnt how to ride but u kept doing it cos u knew that it wasnt that bad falling off and you REALLY wanted to learn how to ride. Also u KNEW u didn't know how to ride so of course u would fall off, but the point was just to keep repeating it until one day you would do it as easily as walking.
- in true fight club style ill repeat the previous point as if it was a separate one. DO NOT WORRY ABOUT YOUR CURRENT SUCCESS! Your goal had been achieved when u walked up to the girl and said something. Well done. What's that? She fancies u? Good for u but its not the point. That other one slapped u? That's pretty funny, go tell your mates.. But its still not there point!
Jonny
Last edited by jrs87 on Tue Mar 15, 2011 9:32 am, edited 2 times in total.
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