Hi,

I reckon the obvious answer here is 'she's just not that into you, dude - move on'. I'm deprogramming her from my memory, honestly. I've got a nice 2nd date tomorrow. However, I did *think* we had something and I'm going to see what advice I get here, for what it's worth...

About a month ago I messaged a girl who looked at my profile on OKC (we're both late '30s btw). I *believe* she looked at my profile after playing 'quick match'. I don't know if she rated me... I rated her at 5 stars ages ago, which is why she may have seen my profile...

I got a date fairly quickly. It went fine and we laughed a lot. After an hour or so I had to shoot to an emergency meeting. I texted her that night and apologised for rushing off abruptly (I wouldn't usually, but the client's v. important - she knows who the client is, anyway - he's well known in music circles).

We text occasionally and about 10 days later have a 2nd date. We go for a meal. It went about as well as *any* date I've ever had. We walk back to the tube, hand-in-hand. She kisses me at the tube. 10/10 in my mind... This is Thursday.

We exchange texts. I notice she takes her time to respond, usually the next day. On Sunday, we arrange a date for next Sat, but she doesn't send a confirmation text... I wait until Thurs...and text, asking if we're still on. She says yes.

On Sat we go for a meal. For the first hour I'm on edge. I feel she went cold on me in the week and am struggling for conversation. Every time we've met before, we've *never* had pauses - it's been a real laugh. In fact, I can't remember the last time I laughed so much with a girl. After about an hour, I loosen up and we're laughing. We sit in the restaurant from 7pm to 11.30 (it went fast), whereupon we went to a party. Party was cool, but loud, so little talk. We hold arms and gently kiss, but nothing passionate.

Party ends 1am and we decide to walk home together... I'm based 5mins from her (am staying with a friend for night - I usually live an hour away). I let it slip that I had an overnight bag in car... She laughs and says I'm presuming... She then says we should split up, as if we go further, quote: 'we'll end up sleeping together'... I tell her it's silly to split, and she should at least let me drop her home... I drop her. She decides sex is definitely out. In the car, I say if sex is out, that we should at least take down our profiles temporarily... She says yes. We text for next couple of days. On Tues, I call her for the *first time via phone*. We talk, just like boyfriend / girlfriend - about usual crap, i.e. films, comedy etc. Up until this point our conversation has been flirtatious or personal. She ends chat after 45 mins saying her bath's run and she has to be up early... I tell her our next date should be a night in with a DVD - she says 'lovely, I'd like to do that'.

Anyway... I've initiated 90% of contact throughout the relationship. She hasn't replied to *every* text. So, I decide, after our lovely little Tues chat, to see if she contacts me... It's Thurs 1am and she hasn't. I also see from OKC (my profile is down) that she was on there this week, after we 'agreed'.

Either she's very 'rules' orientated, or she's just not that keen. She says 'I amuse her'... We spend a lot of time laughing, more so than any GF I can remember.

Any comments, aside from 'enjoy your date tomorrow, buddy and forget about her'? My gut instinct is that, although humour's important and I can make her fall on the floor laughing, I don't tick all her boxes.

Thanks in advance.

I'm not sure why, in the middle/end of your third date you felt the need to ask her to take her profile down. From everything you've written here - aside from being occassionaly unresponive to sms which can certainly be unrelaxing - she is into you and even agreed to have a dvd night in.

Honestly, I'm not sure how much you should pursue girls as I'm in the same boat with one of mine after two dates, but I think that it's pretty clear that if you want to hang out with her again you'll have to call her. Sounds like she'll say yes - she's gone out with you three times.

Thanks, Alister. I hope you haven't lost the will to live from wading through my long post : - )

So, you're saying some girls just *don't* initiate contact and I'll have to do the running? I'm not used to that...not since school, and that was a *long, long* time ago.

I asked her to take down her profile because I wanted a sign that she was into me, having been just turned down for sex. Maybe that was a bad move, suggesting insecurity on my behalf... Not being contacted by her *is* unsettling and I'm worried it's putting me on the back foot to the extent where I'll struggle to be myself around her... It took me about an hour to loosen up at the last date, having been subject to unresponsive texting in the lead up the 3rd date. I'm not feeling all that chilled about her, and that's certainly not how I'd expect to feel about a potential partner.

Don't overthink it - your 1st date is about whether or not you want a 2nd, and your 2nd is about whether or not you want a 3rd...you don't need to worry about whether or not she is a "potential partner".

You wanted a sign she was into you? OK, first of all she cut the last date "short" because she knew that if she went somewhere private with you she wouldn't be able to control herself, and she doesn't want to sleep with you on the 3rd date.

Also, isn't going out with you three times, and agreeing to a fourth that would probably be in that secluded place enough for you? You said you rated her at 5stars, which means I'm guessing HB8/9, which also then gives her license in her mind to be flighty/flaky. I'm not sure a good way to call out a girl for not being a good communicator without sounding needy. So I just pretend I don't care.

Remember, YOU are busy too - I would even send a text to her along the lines of "sorry I haven't been in touch since our last time out - I've been so busy with work and been having a lot of fun with old friend I caught up with lately". Then you take all of the tension out of the situation of her not being in touch and also let's her know that not only are you not stressed about not hearing from her, you weren't even thinking about her.

go back into your plan for a DVD night in, "so, I was thinking about our DVD night..." that way you're reminding her that she's already agreed to this and see what she says - tell her there are a couple of new ones out that you haven't seen so you'll be sure to pick one she hasn't. and since it's new, there's a reason to watch it. Make dinner, open some wine and start relaxing BEFORE you meet up with her. If she does agree to come round, or even just see you again, you will have no reason whatsoever to be worried about her.

One thing I would think about though, is how poorly she took your request to take her page down, since she didn't. Might want ask her to dinner and say "then we'll see how we feel about the DVD..."

And keep dating other girls - hanging out with them will take some of the stress and potential neediness you project out of not hanging with who seems to be at the top of the list

Wow, you are asking her WAY too fast to take her profile down. You need to go on several more dates and have her actually be your girlfriend before you ask her to take it down.
I would be totally weirded out if I were her and after 2-3 dates that seemed to be going OK, I was asked to take my profile down. You are blowing it.

I honestly didn't need to read past the part where you said you were about to go on your second date.

You are asking for a commitment WAY too soon. You need to relax.

I wouldn't personally ever ask unless we were getting serious and by serious I mean we have had several dates, and by several I mean 10 or more and most likely it would be more, and have decided we like each other enough to commit to a one on one relationship.

Even then, I would assume she would take it down herself without me needing to ask. If I had to ask, then there would be something wrong in my opinion although on some occasions people simply forget.

_________________
Don't think you are, know you are.

Ok. You're all totally right. I was being impatient. After she said she wasn't going to sleep with me, it worried me that she was just stringing me along. I'm not going to look at her profile, full stop - until we've had a few more dates.

I took your advice, Alister. It appears that you may be right... I last spoke to her on Tuesday - when we agreed a DVD night in. I texted her yesterday, as suggested. She's out of the country for 10 days. I said 'enjoy your trip. I'm getting some DVDs together for when you get back'. She replied, thanked me for my best wishes and said she was 'looking forward' to our cosy night in... So, I just have to be cool - as suggested.

On top of this, the date on Fri went pretty well. She's younger, prettier and less complicated. However, she's not such a laugh to be around - no fault of hers, probably a cultural thing (she's only just moved to the UK).

Anyway...the replies here have given me a reality check and I'm grateful. You guys are in danger of giving Internet groups a good name. Thanks.

Yeah, as mentioned, no need to ask her to take the profile down. In fact, I dated a girl for a while and we built a solid connection by logging onto OKCupid together and making fun of people's profiles. We would sit on my bed together with my laptop and scope.

We also looked at some women's profiles and I found out that she had a strong interest in perhaps pulling other women into a threesome. That's always nice to know. Also, I learned so much about how women think about profiles by listening to her comment on certain profiles.

In fact, now that I think of it, that would be an excellent line to get a woman to come home with you after a date. "Hey, want to go back to my place and make fun of all the stupid OKCupid profiles?" I'm definitely going to try that one!! haha