Have you met anyone in real life who you have seen go from AFC, to copy boy, to dropping magic tricks and being successful with women and socially? Maybe I met the wrong people in the PUA community, but it seems they fall into three categories - the ones who only read PUA and never try it, the ones who get stuck doing PUA only and never develop further, and the very good looking guys for whom PUA gets them laid (but that is it). I realize that I am looking at this through a pessimistic lens. Also, you cannot trust what people write on the forums, because you read what guys write and then meet them in real life and they are total AFC in real life.

Salut!
I think we haven't been introduced: my name is Surielx.
I started reading the Game in Dec'08, from that point I invested all my concentration in club game, now it evolved strictly into dance game. I admit, I probably suck in day game, that's because I haven't tried it enough. In Feb'09 I finally and irreversibly dropped opinion openers (opinion questions may work but I hate using them as an openers), somewhere during summer holidays I dropped magic tricks (after a girl asked me: "Do you always come to the club with playing cards?"). I have to underline one fact: I am out 2-3 times per week. And it took me like 8 months to be fully confident in my actions. At some point I even challenge myself not to k-close, not to #-close, only SNL (which, btw. resulted in 2 month long dry spell ).

Now I don't do magic at all at the Day 1. I play it cool and I am accustomed to the presence of HB8.5. I admit, when 9 comes, blood pressure rises but I know the Game is no difference so I try to play it cool. And I know it's only a matter of time when I will be having fun of mystic HB10.

You are intimidated by your failures at the beginning so you are in denial. I haven't met anyone in real life who is in pickup but the fact is, I told some tricks to my friends and that helped build their confidence. They wanted to do the trick I told them and laugh at girls so they started acting. This should be fun!
First group exists, as in every community. Keyboard cowboys.
Second group - you are so wrong in here. When they are not successful with women, it starts to be obsession to them. But once they become successful, they are looking for something more challenging. For me - bungee jumping, extreme sports - these are the ones that even thinking of is producing more adrenaline than pickup itself. And in two years time I want to join army. 18 months ago I wanted a normal "9 to 5" job and lovely wife. Can you see how it works?
Third group - I don't understand that. They wanted to get laid and now they get. That's not good?
Hell yeah. 60dpi in each eye.
So I ask: have you met someone you described?

pyuya, I have something for you.
I am currently on a speed reading course (apparently, not only speed reading, something the community know as "Mnemonic Peg System" is included) and yesterday we were told about the obligatory conditions of learning speed reading and it hits me, you need exactly the same in pickup. These are: belief (it works!), confidence, persistence (regularity), motivation, knowing the theory, training. Follow that and see this works.

Salut!

Surielx.

_________________
An Alpha male cries only when Mufasa dies.
Personal thread: lr-s-surielxs-crazy-adventures-vt79972.html

Anyway, I think my biggest right now is depression. I am doing CBT and Positive Psychology, but it's a slow lasting change, not a quick change. I had five days off and I feel like I worked for 24 hours straight, I feel crappy. This is partially because I have a mild flu and because I have been going out and staying out dancing by myself until 1am and then walking for an hour home and going to sleep at 3am. I feel much better and am more efficient and motivated when I am working. I think I am going to try to schedule tomorrow hour by hour, like Dr Burns says, and rush through the day, continuously keep working, and schedule some short periods to relax, get pleasure from eating a nice meal with candles and music, meditate, but keep working steadily. I have tried doing this before and never carried it through, but this is the plan for tomorrow. I will decide tomorrow whether I still wanna do this, but I hope that I will give it a try. I am frustrated and disappointed that I am not putting more effort into things I want to do, like clean and decorate, study, work out, dance, pay bills, schedule appointments, call family, etc.

There is a type of person who is attracted to get great schemes like NLP, PUA, Speed Reading, and the army (a solution to your money, job, housing, food, college loan, and health insurance problems and your insecurities about not being masculine enough - don't worry - the army will make you into a real tough man!). All of these are like get rich quick schemes - they do not produce the promised results in real life imho, but I might be wrong, because I have not tried any of these myself, so I am not trying to offend you personally, I am just expressing a sentiment of my own that is full of assumptions on my part and may very well be wrong.

Dr. Burns says to stop chasing girls at night clubs and discos and to start doing things that are more pleasurable, like bungee jumping! Chasing girls at clubs ultimately leads to rejection, the girls enjoy their power over your feelings, but chasing other people is not attractive. When you stop chasing women, they start chasing you! What I do not like about club game is that guys go in very direct and literally start groping girls and keep pushing until the girl resists, but there are girls who take the first or second step themselves and will go and dance in front of a guy inviting him, or will give him a lap dance or make out, whatever. I personally would want to get to know a girl before getting laid, but I realize that many women prefer an SNL and do not have the emotional maturity for getting to know a guy before having sex with him. Not sure why, might be just me lol.

Anyway, I have conquered my fear of going out to night clubs and bars and dancing with myself in public, even though I am still afraid of dancing and conversing with women in a night club, going out and coming home at 3am has been so tiring and the walk home in the cold has been making me sick with the flu, I am wanting to take a break and just take full care of myself - cook food, clean, study, iron my sheets before I go to sleep and go to sleep early, do yoga in the morning, meditate, invite a friend over for tea. I am going to not go out clubbing much for the next month and concentrate on caring for myself inside my home. I am going to go to social dances and dance classes more though, they all end by 1030pm or earlier, so I will go to sleep early.

Rather than stay home and take care of myself, I went to a social dance with mostly older people and bailed out early due to work early the next morning, the dancing made me feel much better! There is a girl my age that comes there and I asked how her how week was and she told me she spent the new year in new york and then we danced for one song, and then it was time to switch partners and that was it with her for the night. If I stayed until break I would have gotten to talk to her more, but during the dance she showed me how to do a few moves I was confused about, came up close and showed me. I was being playful during the dance with the eye contact and smiling, and maybe I stared somewhat and made her feel uncomfortable? because she looked away a few times, I on my part did not look at her at some moves when she looked at me, perhaps giving an impression that she makes me feel uncomfortable? I wish I could just anticipate her eye contact and return it, and not overstare myself. I got the impression that she likes me, she has a ring on her finger and she might have a bf for all I know, and right now I am only looking for female friends (because in the past wanting a gf has scared women away because I was hitting on them or creating uncomfortable sexual tension before we became friends or established rapport). There is so little time to talk at these dances and you exchange partners every time, so I only get to dance once with the two young girls who come there and I have not talked to them enough to ask them if they wanted to exchange emails or phone numbers in order to be friends. And it is now going to be $8 every time I go there, and it takes four hours to go there and come back home, just to possibly become friends with two girls. I think I will go one more time, ask them if they want to go dancing or hang out with my friends and if they say yes ask them for their number, and not show up anymore much. I can go dance for free at a college on the same day. All this dancing really adds up if you do it four times a week - a five dollar cover at a night club/bar to dance during the night, a $3 coke at a no cover band in another bar, $4, $8, or $12 per social dance. I only make money several days a week, but I spend money every day! I have a lot of anxiety when talking to this girl at the dance, she smiles and seems to enjoy talking to me and seems to get shy, but I feel anxious and freeze up and maybe even push her away at times, and I have weird thoughts about how maybe I am making her feel uncomfortable by being playful during the dance, and how maybe she really likes me and is in love with me, or how maybe she does not give me much thought and does not think I am any more special than anyone else at the dance and that I am not especially worthwhile to talk to. This is social anxiety acting up and making me think distorted thoughts. On to my CBT exercises!

i learned to dance. no. i learned to have rythm - feel the music and move with the beat. how? i went to new places where i felt self consciuos and out of place - bars, conerts, improv class, meetups, etc. i stood on the dance floor, feeling my anxiety rise and my heart beat, calmed down, and swayed by body back and forth. also stood on my toes and let my heels drop - this let me feel the beat through the vibration of my body as my weight drops on my heels. if you keep swaying and dropping your weight on your heels, eventually, something clicks in your brain and you start to naturally feel the rythm. i do not count it 1 2 3, etc. i cannot count it. i feel it more and more. people tell me i am a talented dancer! i have been going to salsa, swing, contra, country, and hip hop dancing classes too. but its not about the moves. most of my moves i came up with on my own - just let my body move naturally the way it wants. and chicks seems to love it. i also feel attractive. oh and i go to social dances, and i flirt with women there using the techniques from Intimate Connections book. i give women compliments like, "that's a cut scarf," "i feel nervous. i am nervous around beautiful women." women say it is very good that i smile when i dance with a woman - it makes them feel like i enjoy dancing with them. most guys dont smile when they dance. last night i went to a night club. i danced by myself. people noticed me because i am tall and i was dressed in a white shirt and hat - looked good. i went around and told women compliments. well first i made eye contact, smiled into their eyes, waved my hand like i already know them, said, "that's a cute scarf you are wearing," watched their response, turned around and left, or went to the next one. then i saw a short haired tall slim woman walk in and she looked like she was maybe a lesbian, or did not like to dance. i gave her a compliment. danced next to her. then she left and i danced by myself. then i met her again and danced near her again. i told her that "i am the star of this show" because i feel like i am the star of the show. i either feel superior to everyone, or very inferior. i can switch between the two feelings in an instant. and it is totally not connected with reality. i did not tell her the second part though of course. she danced closer to me and i touched her elbow and she did not withdraw. we talked some playful talk, nothing serious. i danced with her all night and she did all the sexy moves. the disappointing thing is that when i see girls grind guys it looks hot, but when i am doing it with a girl, i feel tense and i am not enjoying it as much i expected it, but my therapist says that i am still learning how to experience pleasure from life and that includes learning to enjoy women. so i sort of enjoyed it. we did a lot of playful dancing - me copying her moves, and just dancing next to each other. she said i dont give off a creepy vibe like the other guys and she said its nice to meet someone who just likes to dance. i also had a girl grind me while i was with this girl and i danced in a circle of girls and i got a lot of attention from other girls in the club. because it was still early, and the girls were not scared by the creeps yet, and because i was with this girl. the Intimate Connections book says that when you are chased by one girl, other girls start to wanna chase you too. so then this girl i danced with asked me to get her a water, like she wanted to bail out on me. it takes 20 minutes to get water cause the bar is so crowded. anyway, i come back with her water and she is not there but whatever, i think, i have to be independent and not feel needy. i have to be happy when i am alone. so i dance by myself. and here she comes. i give her her water. we dance more - next to each other, but sometimes mimicking each others moves, sometimes dancing by ourselves next to each other, sometimes grinding. she really liked humping my leg which i felt weird. maybe it's my pride, but when she left she looked insecure, i wonder if she wanted to sleep with me? when she asked me if i had a watch, i did not have one, i got my cell phone out and i asked her for her number, and she gave it to me. it looks real, but i am going to wait 2-3 days before calling her. i feel needy and possessive of her and i feel insecure. i could have probably kissed her on the dance floor, but i did not want to kiss a stranger i met at a night club. i am afraid of stds, and i dont enjoy sex with women that much to put myself at risk for getting an std. my goal is to just flirt with women, grind with them, touch them, kiss their neck, cuddle with them, and then after a few weeks, once i get to know them and ask them if they have an std, then i will kiss them and have sex with them. maybe that is unrealistic, but i am afraid of kissing, because i have not done any in my life lol. oh also my sex drive is much lower than it was a few years ago. lol i hope my age and all the porn i watched did not injure my penis and i also hope i am not gay lol. oh also i have a female friend now. i met her at a dance. i asked her if she wanted to be my dance partner and she said sure, and i said, "I win!" she chubby though, but she has pretty hair and a nice voice. she is kind of boring, but any female company is good for me because i have never had any female friends, let alone any friends. this girl invited me to her friends' apartment to watch the superbowl, and i think she was showing me off to her friends also with both girls, the chubby one was telling me about how she banned a guy her room mate was sleeping with and also telling me about her bed and how her mattress is firm. the girl i danced with, the slim tall one i picked up at the night club yesterday, she told me that if I want to get a woman into bed, I should use Barry White's music. this is all very good. my cbt/positive psychology therapist told me to go around, smile and looking women in the eyes smiling, and ask them open ended questions, talk to them, listen, and then ask them, "would you like to meet for coffee some time?" and then ask them for their number. last night it was just so easy but that's a night club. at the social dances, i find it much harder to talk to women. oh and on thursday, i went to a nightlub/bar and i danced by myself, then a drunk danced with me, then i went into the back room and danced by myself more in a corner away from people. threee girls danced around me with in the circle. i danced with two other girls and told the black one who said that i am an "awesome kid" that i take my energy from attractive women (compliment), and her friend told me "i love how you started a dance party on your own." also a woman with big boobs and ass ran away from her friends danced with me a little and ran back, and she did that several times. also another friend of the first two, made eye contact, she got up, i twirled my leg, she mimicked, then we got closer, and we talked a little, i told her "i was admiring your shirt' and she said "does that mean you have nice boobs" i said "you have nice boobs but you a nice shirt too" i dunno with her i just wasnt able to be playful i was serious, and i touched her elbow and got closer, but i did not dance with her and i dunno, she left soon after. that was the problem with these 10 girls i danced with that night - they left very soon. i think i should hit on them more bluntly just as an experiment. this whole dancing by myself thing is really working for me, it seems to attract chicks cause i feel happy, confident, and attractive - most people guys and women are afraid to dance by themselves when nobody else is dancing. people ask me if i am on ecstasy, drunk, or what is the good stuff i am drinking. it also helps that iam a tall wide shouldred guy and that i wear a hat and a $50 fitted white shirt and shoes with a leather bottom so they turn more easily on the floor.

i told my therapist that i did not want to approach women at bars because i am afraid of feeling desperate. he siad, 'well if you had female friends and girlfriends and you had more sex with women then maybe you would not feel so desperate,' he also said that the women might like me to approach them. all this time i was assumign women do not want me to approach them, this is because as you see in my early posts, i got rejected almost every time, when i was hanging out with the pick up artists in my local lair, who did not know how to flirt and were self centered and who did not feel independent, but rather felt like needed a woman to make their lives better. i dont feel like that anymore, mostly. still feel needy and desperate a little, but much less so than before. i think this makes a huge difference. inner game really shows. if you keep working on your social skills and your game, but you still feel desperate and dont enjoy your own alone company, it shows. people are in tune to it. whereas if you are like me now, people feel the positive and confidence, you feel like there is light emenating from you. i am exaggerating of course to make a point.

my friend looked at how i dance and said he wants to take some dance classes too. i tried to explain to him that i use my feelings to help me dance. i hear a song. i think of a time in my life, for example 8th grade, when i was left out of a foot ball game and i sat alone at lunch, and i felt hurt and i felt a longing feeling to be with other kids. i feel that longing, i feel that sadness. and i explore that feeling while listening to the music and i put that feeling into my dnacing. it makes for very enjoyable dancing -invoking strong feelings. trying to feel the music. i also showed him to sway back and forth and drop his weight onhis heels to feel the beat. he did to get neither of these things. he dances with his hands and wrists, but you need dance from the inside out - feel the music in your spind and your chest first and move them first and move other parts of your body second. i told this to my dad and he said most people do not know how to feel the music, and that he understands this sort of, but that most people cannot and do not try to understand this.

this is it for now, guys! so to sum things up

1 - read Learned Optimism by Dr Seligman and do the ABCDE's once a week.
2 - go to new places where you feel uncomfortable and write down your negatibe thoughts, then use Dr Burn's CBT techniques to work on these negative thoughts
3 - do not learn dance moves - learn rythm
4 - take dance classes not to learn moves, but to learn to feel comfortable dancing in a group, and to learn to dance and flirt with women you are dancing
5 - read Intimate Connections and learn to be happy when you are alone, get more creatively and productively involved in life - study, work, exercise, learn an instrument, read, learn dancing, clean your house, serve a nice table for yourself, take yourself to a nice restaurant
6 - when you treat yourself nicely and take yourself out on dates (do the Dr Burns's Pleasure Predicting Scale too!) you begin to like yourself more. You begin to feel like you do not need people because you love yourself and you can always comfort yourself if you are rejected bypeople. When you enjoy yourself alone and you enjoy other people, but you dont need them, you win twice. When you feel like life is not worthwhile when youare alone, you feel desperate, and you dont enjoy your alone time and your desperation drives people away - you lose twice!
7 - smile and make eye contact with women at the same time. give them a compliment. experiment with flirting techniques. do not be desperate for approval. when someone rejects you, turn around and go to the next person. do not be overly nice - the book says niceness does not work in the early stages of dating. do not be mean. do not neg. forget all the PUA crap you learned. dating is really simple. it si all about inner game. but not the inner game the PUAs teach you. its much better to use some research and evidence based material from therpists - read CBT and Positive Psycholgoy, do the written exercises, get a Positive Psychology or a CBT therapist, go into group psychotherapy to learn to recognize what you feel and learn to be more open with your feelings.
8 - dress better. experiment with styles you would never wear. there is not one you. people will respect you for dressing like a punk, or like a nerd, or like rocker, or a gangster, because they will see that you have many facets to your personality. dressing well is nonverbal flirting.

Happy dating! LIfe is an adventure, and it is not all about women and sex.

P.S. if you want to know more about me, I have cancceled my Internet connections, do not have a computer or TV inside my home ( I cancelled my cable tv three years ago), and even though i still regress into watching porn or sitting online for hours, I do it a lot less than before. So get rid of the computer and tv in your house - if they are not there, they wont tempt you. ONce you sit down in front of the screen, time just runs by so fast and you get stuck and feel depressed and passive. Entertainment that is stimullus high like watching action movies, playhig video games, makes you stimulus hungry and passive. Also i have blocked texting on my cell phone to save money. i also do not have internet on my phone and i have an older phone, not a smart phone. also i realized that the PUA community guys al have emotional problems and that they themselves feel needy and unattractive, and that it's better to surround myself with independent and positive people. the people i meet at the dances like swing and ballroom are more like that! if you want to learn how to be better with women, do not surround yourself with guys who are into PUA - run away from them!!!! they feed off each other's low self esteem. do not believe the PUA written material. The Game is misleading in many ways. Read the Intimate Connections book instead. You can find it for free online! Or it's free at the local library. Also do yoga, meditate, dance, run, work out, read, and conetnrate n self improvement. live for yourself andnot to please others. also go to a therapist and getyourself checked out. if you are interested in PUA, there is something that you need help with - you might lonely, bipolar, depressed, low self esteem, or etc. the therapist can help you know more about yourself so you can find something that works for you. what works for me may not work for you, and works for you may be differnt than what works for me.

Went to nightclub by myself. Danced on my own, did not approach. Got a compliment from a foreign girl in a girl circle, "Are you a professional dancer?" I said that I am. And then she kind of turned away and I felt like talking with her more would forcing myself on her. I do not want a girl to think that if she gives a guy an IOI he will not leave her alone. I was afraid she would reject me once I started pushing for a conversation. I was afraid it would look wrong. But these a just my fears, I think she probably wanted me to pursue her. I'm very bad at reading girls. One time, a girl stopped, squeezed my cheeck and said that I am so cute and kept walking. I thought the same thing - she probably just wanted to do this and go away and if I go and chase her and push for a conversation this will not be what she wants and she will reject me. The second girl last night, I caught her looking at me dancing, and I said, "do you like my dancing?" and she said yes, and I said I liked her shirt and she smiled. But again I found a reason why I cannot start a conversation with her and why she will probably reject me - she looked out of place in the nightclub, she was middleeastern looking and not the type to like when guys hit on her, and she was with a female friend and two guys, and the four of them danced in a circle. I thought they could have been on a first date, and I should not come in between her and her guys friends. Later on, the girl had a drink and I saw her dancing with three guys and then dancing with a guy (not the ones she came with.) And I thought, "that should have been me!! that guy is shorter, I dance better, and she gave me an IOI!" So I'm thinking, even though I am anti-PUA, maybe reading up on night club game might help me. My problem is I always assume women do not like me and will reject me. I did approach a few girls, but they all gave me a 'no' with their eyes. I danced with three black girls in the corner, they danced with me, then two of them stepped away and I danced with the third one, no body contact, just dancing for fun, but then she rejected me too, she said, "you are good dancer, go find yourself a nice girl"

So my date with the woman I picked up at a night club two weeks ago was good and bad. I flirted with her by giving her compliments and teasing her, and she flirted back, but then towards the middle of the date she became irritated and when she left she said, "next time if you want to share a cake with someone, ask what kind of cake they want." i guess she was pissed that I did not kiss her on the cheeck, did not buy anything for her, and when she was talking about how she wants me to buy her a meal (she brought up buying her a meal several times and she said she is old fashioned) I jokingly said, "oh, am I buying you a meal?" suggesting I might not or was not going to, and she did not like it, she took it literally, and she acted insecure and hurt?, she said, "oh, I can pay for myself, too," and after about an hour or two, she left saying she is going to the library. she did not give me a hug or i did not give her a hug, the way she left was not warm. and then i called her the same evening and told her she is amazing and she laughed and she said she is with an old room mate and has to go. so i kind of got the idea she is giving me the run around, but i also thought i kind of rejected her during the date by not pursuing her more or acting more like i was into her. then my therapist told me i should not be cheap and that women want to be taken to dinner and that i don't have to spend $80 on a meal on her. so i called her the next day and said i want to take her out to dinner, but she said, she is looking for someone who is comfortable with where they are at in life (i told her i am embarassed to tell her where i work and i am embarassed that she will see me without my hat on because i am bald) and she started saying how we can still dance together but I am not the right person for her. I agreed with everything she said and told her this is great stuff, I also want to date some who can help me grow, and I said that I want her to talk more about it right now while we are still talking - because I will not call her again.

I have mixed feelings about this date. I think should pursue the women more, and maybe hold of on being open about some things that women are not used to hearing on first dates, like what I am embarassed about, but I was not sure about dating this woman in the first place - I felt uncomfortable about it, and dating an older woman who is more experienced, I feel she has a lot more power than I am anyway, and I do not like that. But this is the second older woman I went on a date with, so I'm thinking I am afraid of dating younger women who are my age. So I will face my fear and approach younger more attractive women.

Went to a night club on Fri and Sat. I walk onto the empty dance floor and freestyle, I go up to girls and dance near them, make eye contact, but they look away, sometimes they smile. People like how I dance - i get compliments from black guys high fiving me and groups of women take turns taking pictures with me. The ratio of guys to women is 7:1. Once I went up and started dancing in a circle of three women, doing playful dancing with the blonde and then grinded behind her and then left. She grinded me but she had the expression as if she did not notice me. Then some other guy grinded her. Then she danced alone with her friends. When the dance floor was half full, a slightly drunk girl ran up to me and said "why are you dancing alone?" and she danced with me, grinded and rubbed her bosom onto me, i was playful and said flirty things, after like ten minutes she said "i'm going to find another dance partner" and i said thank you for the dance it was fun. she then grinded some guy. one of the girls i approached got scared and screamed when she saw me and she was embarassed by her reaction, i backed away playfully sort of and we laughed it off, later on that night i asked her if i scared her and she said she was sorry and i joking said she ruined myl life (btw i should cut down on negative comments like that even joking ones because they turn people off). i should stop going to night clubs cause there are way too many guys and it seems the women are very tricky to approach - they turn away and look like they don't notice you even when they want you dance with them?? but if you come in direct even when it seems like you are coming at them out of nowhere because they are facing away from everyone, or if you grind on them, then they like you and dance with you?? or if you are nice and you approach a pair of females and try to be playful they make a face and say "what the hell are you doing?" and then i feel bad. oh btw, one improvement is that when i woman i danced with dances with other guys, i no longer feel bad! i'm happy i'm not possessive of my dance partners like that anymore. anyway, i think night clubs are no longer useful for me because i am in the top 10-20% of dancers in night clubs (but not as good as those guys that dance in the circle, the pro's), but i look good dancing because i naturally feel rythm and i feel very good dancing, even shy people start dancing when they see me, my dancing has that effect on people.

so no more night clubs for me because i go to the night club at 10pm or at 11pm and come home at 3am. and then i dont meet any girls there and out of going to a night club every week, i only got one date which did not work out (the woman was bitchy). so its not a good way to meet women it turns out. for me at least.

my fear of asking women on a date is that i have trouble making conversation and building rapport - i feel anxious and awkward and mind read women and think they dont like me, and just am trapped in my own head, not paying any attention to them. so i dont build rapport, and then if i ask them out on a date - for them its like a stranger abruptly asking them out - its threatening and confusing and they wont know where i am coming from. i guess what can help with that is me smiling more, being more playful, flirting more, and talking more, but this fear is still there. a different way of thinking would be to say that "the more i talk to women, the better i will get at it" and "feelings are misleading, just because i feel like the woman will be threatened by me asking her out or that me talking to her is unwanted on her part, the reality may be different, my self critical feelings may be way off. let me test them by talking to women" actually this is a great exercise i am going to do. i'll say "I feel like Girl A at the dance will feel threatened and will feel awkward around me if I ask her to meet me for coffee during the week. She will feel uncomfortable and uneasy and will be anxious to get away from me if I talk to her and will be scared if i flirt with her." - this is my negative thinking/feeling. I will test this out. "Let me say hi to her and talk to her next time I see her and observe and write down what she says and how she reacts. Then, let me say 'i think you are beautiful woman. do you want to meet for coffee during the week? i want to get to know you.' with a smile and observe what she says and how she reacts."

i am afraid that she will think i am weird and that i will ruin my reputation at this social dance. oh well. i have to take risks, don't i? imn also afraid i might ruin my reputation in the whole social dancing scene in my area, but thats just an irrational fear, it's exaggerration. im not the first guy to ask a girl out who he does not know well and not the last. girls can react differently to me asking them out - some might love it, some might feel threatened and hate me for it. oh well, i cannot control my reaction. as Dr Burns says "let me find out as much as i can about the girl and if i like her, let me tell her that i like her and ask her out and let the chips fall where they may."

i have three $40 shirts that look very good on me - i wear them to dance and to go out to night clubs and bars. im more attractive and popular in them. but, i dont want to wash them in the washing machine because it will ruin their fabric and i dont wanna spend lots of time hand washing them and i dont want to put them into drycleaning. one thing i have to do is prepare going out clothes and hang different outfits for the rest of the week, because for example tomorrow i want to go dancing, but all of my good looking shirts need to be cleaned and i might not have the time to clean them tomorrow. so i need to spend one day every week cleaning a bunch of my good looking clothes, prob hand washing them and hanging them to dry. i need to build that into my routine along with other things like cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, washing dishes, exercising, etc.

my goals right now:

build cleaning and hanging good looking outfits for the rest of the week in advance so that i always have something good to wear when i need

develop a routine for cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, yoga, learn new dance moves, etc.

declutter my home

clean my home

get different styles outfits, things i would never wear, but things that still look good (need ppl to go shopping with)

do CBT exercises, meditate, express gratitude, etc.

invite people over to my place for dinner or tea or games

start studying regularly

talk to women and maybe write down things i learn about women so that i shift from taking my ques from people internally to basing my feelings about what is going on what people are actually doing and becoming more interested in people

make small talk with more people

prowl more - maybe if i prowled and flirted with more women and asked the ones that flirted back for their number, maybe id be more successful than the pick up guys and actually get real numbers and dates? i am an attractive guy after all

went to a social dance and flirted with many who flirted back. some of them i've been dancing and being playful with for several weeks - its a weekly dance. one of them i gave a hug too and i think she liked it. and she invited me to another dance with some friends of hers and i asked her for her # and she said to fb her. she gave me her name last week and she like that i still remembered her name. so i sent her a message saying i wanna meet come with them to the dance but also i wanna meet her so i can talk to her more. i also got an email from two other girls at the dance! one of them went to my middle school and high school but goes to college in another state and the other has been coming to the weekly lessons and she very playful when we dance, like i think she wants to give me hugs and brush up against me, even like i am not comfortable doing cause its a social dance. so i asked out three girls today via email and fb. the key was i did psyching exercise from Dr Burns book. see i mind read people especially women all the time, thinking they dont like me or i make them uncomfortable. well now im mind reading them and telling they think i am attractive and they want me to ask them out and want me to have sex with them and talk to them... that puts me in a much more attractive mood! also my therapist told me that i should stop thinking that i cannot talk to women or cannot build rappor with them, and should start thinking that i am choosing not to talk to them. this really worked for me yesterday, i talked a lot more to a girl i invited with me, whos a friend.

was at a bar and just stood dancing in the crowd, then turned around and made eye contact and danced playfully in front of two older women and danced with the brunette who is prob like 35 yo, i bumped her with my hip and we danced a little side to side although not face to face, and her friend offered to buy me a drink. it was fun actually.

then i left them cause i dont want to get stuck getting picked up by an older chick, i want to pick up girls my age.

a blonde and brunetter walked down into the bar and stood next to me talking to each other, i punched the blonde on the shoulder with a smile and made eye contact and said how are you? i danced playfully next to them and the brunette left, and i talked to the blonde for like 15 minutes? we danced freestyle next to each other and she asked me where i work and how far away i live. she is three years older than i am and she has pets and she showed me a picture of her pharrot climbing on her head and i scratched her head like a pharrot would and and then picked something off her head and said "oh you have poop on your hair" and all this time she let me touch her elbow and put my hand between her shoulder blades while i looked at the picture on her phone - and she did not withdraw. i danced playfully on and off with her, not face to face, and i danced like a stripper and like michael jackson and she kept giving me compliments on my dance moves. here is the weird part. as i am talking to this blonde and a punk chick who came to the bar alone approaches me and starts talking to me and dancing with me, like she is trying to steal me from the blonde, obviously. and i just passively follow the punk chick, i stop talking to the blonde and ignore her like she is not there and talk/dance with the punk chick. now what is going through my mind? i thought i was going to hurt the punk chick's feelings if i reject her and i think because the punk chick is kinda ugly and weird and the blonde is kinda cute (they are like night and day) i push the blonde away because i feel anxious around hot chicks, and i let the punk chick take the lead and just follow her because i grew up in a house with dominating women (my mom and grandmother) and my dad always did everything to please them and ignore what he wants. the punk chick says "hey tomorrow there is a reggae dance wanna go?" i say sure give me your phone, so she gave me her real phone number and i called her on my way home at 2am and said i cannot go to the reggae dance because i have other plans but id wanna go dancing next weekend. this is weird. this girl is kinda weird - she goes to the bar alone and she approaches people, and she is kinda not girlish, but more like a guy or a lesbo. lol. why am i going along with this? why didn't i keep talking to the blonde and tell this punk girl to go away? she is not even that good looking - she has pimples all over her face. and she said she does not get along with other women. i'm agraid of getting in trouble with crazy psycho women, so why am i calling this crazy woman back?

anyway, also same night, i playfully danced with two 2-sets, the first one was in an open setting and they stood near me (distance alert lol), and i made eye contact, even though they avoided my eyes or did not see it, i punched one of them on the shoulder or something like that and told one of them "i like your scarf. it looks gorgeous" she said thanks. i said what do you think about my shirt? and she said it looks fine, its not too flashy. and i asked the other one if her friend was lying. then they left and came back and i while one of them was by herself i asked if they were married because they both had wedding rings and she said she is married and her friend is not, and when her friend came back she was texting and not looking at me and i asked her if she is married and she said yes which was a lie. i told her friend "your frien cut me off" and went back to dancing by myself.

then in a crowd these two girls were playful but then they left.

then i did some playful dancing in front of two college girls and danced in front of one then another, the first one was a tiny bit chubbier but good looking, she liked me more and her friend left her and me together, i danced like a stripper in front of her and she danced with me, then i put my hand on her waist and she slowly pulled in and we danced closed body contact and she grinded me (she initiated the grinding) then she said she has to go back to her friends and even though i tried to talk to her again i could not, she was in a circle of her friends and i could not figure out a way to talk to her, i was dancing near them almost trying to get into their dancing circle but she talked to another guy and did not seem to notice me anymore and her friends did not notice me.

a big asian guy shook my hand and said he liked my dancing and that i should go on the stage with the band and dance.

everyone liked my dancing. i use playfull dancing moves and a smile to open women now, before i start talking to them or shortly after.

but anyway, i felt anxious while talking to the blonde who then possible felt jealous and left the bar and i could not find her anymore, so no number close.

my goal is to take lead with women and pay attention to what i want to do and be assertive about it - next time i will reject the less attractive woman and pursue the more attractive one, and keep talking to a woman even though i feel anxious and insecure if she is not rejecting me obviously.

also two days ago i sent out two emails and one fb message to girls from the weekly social dance i go to here in CA. I started going to these ever since i moved to CA. so two of these women i met like more than three times at the dances and danced and talked to them briefly each time, with some flirting and fun. the two emails, i never got a reply, i wonder if there is something wrong with my emails? i posted the emails on the forum to get some feedback on what am i doing wrong, but go no reply. here are the emails btw: critique-my-email-to-the-girl-please-vt87851.html plz read them and give me feedback if you can.

the fb i got a reply to. here was my fb message:

Hi Rachel. It's Pyuya. How are you? You said a bunch of you are going to the tango dance this Sunday? Where are you meeting, when? I'd like to come along.

I want to hang out with you, too, so we can talk more. There's so little time to talk at the social dances. Let me know when you are free. Do you want to go to a coffee shop or something of that sort?

Ciao

she replied:

I don't know the details yet for Sunday, but if you want stop by my housewarming party Sat. night.

I replied:

I had some plans Sat night, but the house warming party sounds tempting. What time would it be Sat night?

So to sum things up, I can freestyle dance very well, I am a naturally talented dancer even though I have only been dancing for a few months. I can open and communicate women with dance moves and I get compliments from ppl on my dancing every time I go out. I am choosing to talk to women more even though I feel anxious and unsure if I am interested in dating the women, given that I have so little dating experience, a lower sex drive then when I was in college or high school (possibly due to depression and/or working a lot, staying up late, and not getting enough rest, and eating poorly, or maybe injuring my penis because I watched a lot of pron and would maintain an erection for hours on and off and masturbate every day and sometimes twice a day, over the last three years my penis became numb and sore and masturbation is kind of disappointing now, it comes back and feels good some weeks, but overall, the sensation on my penis is just not as much fun.) also i feel a kind of weird anxiety when i look at men, i do not think that i am gay because i do not get turned on and i do not get boners from looking at men, but i am comfortable and even slightly enjoy dancing with men which is kinda weird, and i am comfortable with homosexuality, although i'd be terrified if i was gay, so i am still trying to figure what i like in terms of dating and sex.

also there was a tall hot blonde at the bar tonight and i was afraid and unsure about approaching her. i feel more comfortable approaching shorter and less attractive women. i also feel more comfortable approaching women who older than i am, which i want to change.

i invited a female friend sort of to dance. i am hanging out more with female on a friend basis. i hope that will be good for me. you know the harem effect - when you have women around you, it attracts other women. also i've been psyching myself up - reading a womans mind, a woman who i am anxious around, and telling myself she is dying for me to talk to her and ask her out, that she is thinking i am a tall guy and it would be her dream for a tall guy like me to come up and talk to her, and that she thinks i have a good honest noncreepy face and that she would feel so comfortable and at ease talking to me and that she could relate to me very well. basically whatever i am afraid of the woman is thinking, i pretend to read her mind and tell myself she is thinking the opposite thing, thinking positive thoughts about me. this makes me feel more attractive and really improves my game. also being popular with women at the bar dancing is good for me because it makes me feel more attractive although more anxious.

so the ugly punk girl who interrupted my conversation with a cute blonde at a bar called me back saying she is out of town this weekend, but free the next. it bothers me how she just took the lead and picked me up and I just followed, I was sort of trying to please her by not rejecting her meanwhile acting against my interests, because the convo with the blonde was going great and she was more attractive more normal. i'm not sure if i will call the punk girl back, on one hand any dating experience is good. i was thinking of meeting the punk girl and telling her "i want to dance with you and talk so that i can figure out whether i like you or not" and then just doing what i like and not worrying about hurting or pleasing her feelings. on the other hand, i'm afraid i'm setting myself up with a woman who will dominate me like me mom usually does (my dad is a people pleaser like myself, that's where i get my lack of assertiveness from).

i got laid off from my job, which has prompted me to think negatively and pessimistically. i need to do more ABCDE exercises, meditate, and study and look for jobs, and get myself to dress and groom better and market myself to people more. i still have work i can do, but it's not the professional work i want. i have seen unemployed people become sad, passive, and negative and I want to be the opposite of that, I want to enjoy the extra free time and be active and optimistic about finding a job soon and studying to get a better professional job at the same time.

last time i was at a social dance, i kind of ignored a girl who was into me, and went around dancing and talking with other girls and then she left. next time if i see a girl i like who seems to like me back i am going to talk to her and let her know that i want to see her outside of the dance and get to know her because i am attracted to her. no more dancing and talking with fat girls just to because i care about their feelings. in the future i will continue getting to know fat chicks just because i want to get to know and have different kinds of relationships with different women, but right now i need to learn to figure out which women i am attracted to and get more comfortable at making it clear to them that i am interested in them and pursuing them.