Congruency

You have finally decided to take action and make the first approach. Firstly you must decide who you will approach. Subsequently you must determine the best method for stimulating a natural conversation. There are two basic rules that will allow you to accomplish this goal.

1)Every approach must be situational and congruent for it to be most effective.

(2) It should not raise the woman’s red flag and if this is impossible, we must proceed with as much sincerity as possible.

I want to break down what these two rules mean. The term situational refers to statements that are entirely congruent in reference to the situation in which we are approaching. For example, imagine you are in a bar setting. The thump of the base clashes with bright lights, pulsating bodies, and the sloshing of mixed drinks. You approach a woman and exclaim, “Hey I have a great idea for breath mints and I wanted your opinion on it.” This statement makes no sense in the normative context of the bar! She may think, “Why is this guy asking me about this? It’s weird.” Although I completely agree that it could work for the purposes of starting a conversation (believe me when I say I have used equally horrible openers), I argue that it is not the best option.
When statements seem unnatural, out of place, and awkward, you are sending a message that appears fake and pre-conceived. Unless your paralanguage makes up for the randomness of the question (i.e. you utilize a unique sense of humor, phrase the question in a certain way, etc.), you will look like you are forcing conversation. In other worlds you are conveying the wrong message. We never want the women we are approaching to feel as though we have thought about what to say or how to say it. It will appear insincere and perhaps even creepy.
A prime factor that contributes to your ability to maintain a natural and sincere disposition is congruency. Always make your approach congruent to the given situation. For example, imagine a woman is sitting in the park with her new Kindle. A perfectly congruent opener for this situation is: “Hey that’s a cool kindle. I was looking into getting one, but I wasn’t sure if it was necessary. I’m still in the pattern of getting my books from the book store . Do you have any advice?” The statement makes perfect sense in reference to her current state of using her Kindle. You have not appeared as though you are “hitting on her” and the transfer to further conversation will be smoother. Thus she may answer, “Why the kindle is the greatest thing ever,” and you can reply, “Wow I’m really glad you told me that, I’m Ben by the way.” Then continue onto another subject.
Comfort is a critical component in building attraction. By maintaining congruency with your opening statement, you are maintaining a comfortable SPAM in which further conversation can flourish. Thus your statement will raise no red flags, where as an errant statement would create more confusion, suspicion, and a possible defensive response from the girl (i.e. who the hell are you and why are you asking me this stupid, irrelevant question to my life).

-Hope this helps guys (keep it natural )

-Ben Reed AKA Breednow

_________________
Ben Reed is a life coach and social dynamics expert originating out of Philadelphia, PA.
-He currently is launching his new website in june:
www.Breednowornever.com

Not to be a pest but I really like some of my good old faithfuls. The other night I opened with "bowie/jagger swagger" and the girl replied

"wow you and your friends have strange conversations"

to which I replied

"yes! we generally have really interesting conversations. boredom is a character weakness."

I really like to be unpredictable (even though in reality I am extremely predictable if anyone got hands on my notebook) like David D says.

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You can't forget about me, stupid. Everywhere I go ima have my own theme music.

I'm very glad you posted that response! Your are completely right about being unique. The key to such uniqueness stems from the ability to maintain paralanguage congruent to the message. In other words, the rate of speech, tone of voice, pitch, volume, body language, etc. must match the message. Now I do not attempt to claim that this one line about paralanguage can fully embody how you should act, but rather simply that we must be aware of the connection between paralanguage and the verbal message. If the two do not match up, the usual message that ends up being recieved by the girl is "this dude is wierd" or "wow he is trying to hard."

A huge problem, especially with beginners, is that these canned lines (i.e. the verbal componant of the message) do not match up or maintain congruency with the paralanguage that the individual is expressing. This is really important! Most people fail to realize that 91% of communication (according to most communications experts) boils down to paralanguage.

- my web site will be refering to this unique problem that many beginners fail to recognize!

_________________
Ben Reed is a life coach and social dynamics expert originating out of Philadelphia, PA.
-He currently is launching his new website in june:
www.Breednowornever.com

Ahh I get what you are saying I think. The problem isn't that the opener is canned it's just that it is delivered poorly. Agreed.

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You can't forget about me, stupid. Everywhere I go ima have my own theme music.

That' exactly it. All openers are canned to a certain degree. When we see a woman we find attractive, our next logical step is to think, "What should I say?" Even if it is a simple "hello," it is still preconcieved and therefore canned. I simply argue that the method through which we proceed should be congruent to the environement and to our own discourse (i.e. behavior). To be most effective, especially for beginners, being sincere and engaging in conversation that would be normal for a given situation is the best way forward.

-Ben Reed AKA Breednow

www.breednowornever.com

Beednow-or-never (Dating Advice for Smart Men)

_________________
Ben Reed is a life coach and social dynamics expert originating out of Philadelphia, PA.
-He currently is launching his new website in june:
www.Breednowornever.com

Why not just tell em they're hot? It's the most "congruent" thing you can say, because it's the ONLY reason you're ACTUALLY going over to talk to her in the first place!

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SEX Technique Material http://bit.ly/iFdky0

FREE PDF w Openers, Date ideas and Videos on Direct: http://www.sashapua.com

I disagree that all men go up to women only because they think they are hot (i.e that that is there only motive). I may approach a woman because I find her physically attractive, but I am also going up to see if they have anything beyond the superficial. I know all of you have heard the line, "You are really beautiful, but is that all you have to offer?" I agree with this to some effect. Moreover, I think it is absurd to say that all men are going up purely for sex or for a sexual end. I for one cannot handle a woman that lacks substance, reguardless of her looks. Although I agree that the looks will cause me to put up with more "bullshit," at the end of the day I approach a woman to see if she "turns me on." In order to accomplish this, she must have a lot more going for her simply than looks or that she's hot. So when I approach, its not because of her hotness per say, but her overall character. Believe me when I say, shitty sex with a hot girl is still shitty sex. And a shitty relationship with a hot girl, is still a shitty relationship.

With that being said, I also think that forward approaches can be extremely congruent and are congruent, as you have explained. If an obvious situational opener is lacking (such as the Kindle example), then this forward type of approach can be fine; however, I would never say, "you are hot and that is why I approached." Lol I don't think I have to explain the reasoning for that. I probably would proceed more along the lines of, "You are very attractive and I would have kicked myself if I didn't say hi, my names Ben, hows it going. If your paralanguage expresses this sentiment and you elicit sincerity, then I think you could have a lot of sucess with that statement.

Lastly, your response makes me think you have misinterpreted what I am trying to convey. You can be completely congruent and be a creep at the same time. For example, if I am a child rapist, fondle young boys, and then go up to a young boy and proceed to act like that label "child rapist" of course I would be congruent with my label or my disposition. Being congruent does not necesarily equal being attractive to women. I could go up and say I love sex and then pull out my penis. I would then be congruent to being a pervert. Lol so you see its really not a matter of being congruent a lone, but rather being congruent with the situation and to the girls perception of the world. Otherwise stated, we are trying to approach and not raise "red flags" or have her warning signs go off. Going up and saying "hey you are hot," especially in the way I am imagining how you might suggest doing this, the flag will be raised and you will be rejected.


-Ben Reed AKA Breednow

www.breednowornever.com

Breednow-or-never (Dating Advice for Smart Men)

_________________
Ben Reed is a life coach and social dynamics expert originating out of Philadelphia, PA.
-He currently is launching his new website in june:
www.Breednowornever.com

I get the congruency thing, but would this be where the use of a wing man or operating from a small group could help? In setting yourself up as alpha or leader/director of a group, I think you could more define the terms of what is congruent and what is not...being alone with an opener such as any of the above is much more confining, in terms of congruency, than being able to set the stage, so to speak...at least that's what this noob thinks.

I mean, something like "SPAM vs. Superman" or "Mick Jagger Swagger" and an evaluation of her response wouldn't be something I would think to open with on an initial approach if I were alone...but maybe it becomes a viable opener if that's what's on the stage you set up with your cohorts or acquaintances prior to her being involved, through conversation?

Is it easier to define a play you want her to be a part of if you have various actors present (whether they know they are actors or not)?

I agree with this completely, with a proper wing who knows what hes doing, virtually any opener becomes situational. By upping the volume and "talking to your wing", you can easily tap any target on the shoulder giving you proximity with virtually any opener by simply saying "My buddy and I were talking about... what do you think" and literally open with anything. ANYTHING.

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http://www.taooftalk.com | Tao of Talk | "Talk Isn't Cheap." -- Got Trouble Opening and Holding a Conversation? Let Me Help You. It's What I Do. Send Me a PM or Visit My Site.

I agree completely. Any opener, if it is in relation to a previous conversation with supposed wing man, would be extremely congruent. Who is to say that you are not in fact having a awesome convo about "SPAM/ superman?" It makes sense even if the convo is random and an be extremely fun to play with. I personally believe that these forms of conversations can be the most fun to have. If you can open with it, while maintaining congruency, as it has been described, then you can literally go in any direction with subsequent convo.

-Ben Reed AKA Breednow

Breednowornever.com

Breednow-or-never (Dating Advice for Smart Men)

_________________
Ben Reed is a life coach and social dynamics expert originating out of Philadelphia, PA.
-He currently is launching his new website in june:
www.Breednowornever.com