I wanted to post something about dealing with oneitis, and get criticism, advice, just anything. I did not see this one coming. I have been dating this particular girl for about a month and a half. We have a great time, we make out. And yes, she fits that template a lot of us have for our favorite type of woman. But the big problem is she is legally separated and still getting over that part of her life. So I feel very locked in as to what I can do here.

I see the potential for this to really mess my life up right now. Something clicked in my mind and I have started not caring so much about what I say to other girls. And I opened up an online dating account. I can see no other way out of this but to explore other options. I hope that a byproduct of this will maybe be to make me more attractive to her by me not becoming available all the time, etc. I just can't take it anymore. I'm really disappointed in myself, and I'm pissed that I feel compelled to post this. But the collective wisdom of this board has been so helpful to me, I wanted to throw it out there, and see if anyone has conquered oneitis is similar ways, or other ways.

as a RRAFC (recently reformed AFC), i'll give my two cents.

i think you are making a smart choice. and here is why. (by the way, i've been in a very similar situation with a woman who was "legally separated"). a month and a half is just too damn soon to be developing serious feelings. they say it takes 18 months to get to know someone. that after six seasons (18 months), you have pretty much seen someone's true colors, you've seen their patterns, the good, the bad, the ugly. if you are feeling seriously ATTACHED to this ONE woman after less than two months, it is not love, it is infatuation. is that plain and simple enough for you?

if it's meant to be, it will be, it sounds like you may be open to finding "the one", and if that is the case, why rush it? if she really is "the one", it is going to work out even if you slow it down and back it up.

my advise is guard your heart, treat her like a queen, but keep it light, airy, simple. keep some space. you know you don't have to "explore other options" to have space and time away from a girl to get perspective. that seems to be a common theme i hear a lot around this forum is "if you are getting too attached to a woman, go fuck ten other ones". although i don't inherently have a problem with that approach, it's NOT the only approach to gaining perspective. you could just as easily pull away, put in time constraints, and take up a hobby with your time.

i say, do what your heart tells you, but besides that, i would slow it way the fuck down. entertaining the notion that she may be "the one", why rush the courting process? enjoy it! fuck, make it last as long as possible!

one of two things is going to happen. if you keep your composure and control the escalation of your "relationship" with her instead of letting it get way too serious, way too fast. you will either discover she is your perfect woman, or you will discover that she is NOT AT ALL what she appears to be. quite simply, after 45 days, you do not know this woman. trust me on that.

i'm adopting a policy in my life right now that i won't accept anything BUT an open relationship. i've had it with woman trying to emotionally manipulate me then "hurt" me. fuck that. i nip that shit in the bud up front. if they want to spend time with me it's because they like me and want to be with me, not because they feel compelled to or because they claim i've pressured them into it. fuck that nonsense.

Wow Mack thanks. I hope other people read what you said and get as much out of it as I did. You're right, it can only be infatuation. I know it, and I know I'm not using the mentality of abundance that I myself have told guys on here to approach things with. She would be completely shocked to hear any of this, as I have been playing the aloof card the whole time. But that is only to keep me sane.

I agree with MACK, you need to slow down and relax, take a breath. This girl can be a complete nightmare for all you know and here you are ready to walk into the fire. Who knows what kinds of demons she has hidden in her closet. We always put our best foot forward when we are 'dating', you need to give her REAL personality time to come out. Keep your emotions out of it and approach it logically.

Note: She is legally separated, this should send red flags shooting into the air.

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Keep people off-balance and in the dark by never revealing the purpose behind your actions. - Robert Greene

you guys are really great. You don't know how messed up my thinking was today until I read what you both said.

It's been 5 years since I had anything like this happen mentally. F***ing weird. Not so reformed after all maybe...

sinful just hit on the one thing i forgot to mention. the divorce. or should i say the impending divorce.

it's rarely entirely just one person's fault when a marriage fails. the only type of woman i would date who is fresh out of a failed marriage, is an introspective one interested in moving forward, being happy, and not repeating old patterns. anything, and i mean ANYTHING, short of that mindframe is a fucking nightmare ready to unfold.

i am just out of an almost twelve year relationship almost two years ago now, we were basically commonlaw married. my ex was a horrible fucking human being, seriously, objectively speaking, she was and is still. virtually all of our problems were her being a fucking piece of shit.

but you know what!!!??? (and this is hugely important)

the mindframe i adopted going forward was:

- what did i do wrong?
- what could i have done differently?
- how can i grow as a person to affect the environment of my next relationship?

i don't walk around in a blind rage badmouthing my ex, no i use introspection to grow as a person and become an even better potential mate to the next woman. this is THE ONLY healthy mindframe to take out of a marriage.

if your dream woman shows anything OTHER than this mindframe, even when making passing reference to her marriage.

RED FLAG! RED FLAG! RED FLAG!

Emotions are poisonous Teknine, it's hard to see things clearly when they run ramped. Good luck!

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Keep people off-balance and in the dark by never revealing the purpose behind your actions. - Robert Greene

Thanks again to you guys. Crazy thing is she has almost word for word (and on more than one occasion) stated her mindframe to be all those points you mentioned Mack. Nevertheless, it has been too short a time, and I gotta get my head on straight here and get logical.

tek,

if she expressed those sorts of sentiments, then that is major points in her favor. because it is a small minority of women who even have the emotional capacity to consider that a failed relationship, let alone a marriage, may be something to learn from. mostly they just use it to justify what "a fucking asshole and stupid pig" there ex was. that says a lot about any person, male or female, if they can have introspection and a healthy outlook on moving forward and growing as a person. most just stay steeped in misery and victimhood. good luck!

Yeah she has no anger about it that I can see. I have kept it light and never brought it up w/her. All she's ever said is they grew apart.

I took a day to think about what you guys said. It is not as great as I thought. She has not once called me in the entire time we've been dating. She's extremely shy, but still, call a brother. She'll text, but you have to initiate. She'll email every day, but it's always a response, and I always think it may be the last time I ever hear from her. It's obvious I'm dealing with someone who could be happier.

Your improving ability to see things as they are, good and bad included, bodes very well for you. When a man is unafraid of being unattached, he can objectively evaluate whether or not someone is making him happier (and he her), and from there he can make decisions that will have a much better chance of resulting positively, for both parties.

Trust yourself and your instincts.

Good luck man.

This thread.... it was fucking brilliant, very helpful and insightful, I am going through something similar, but I wont post about it, i got all of the advice i need by simply reading your guys' posts...

Seriously, great thread, this should be stickied, a lot of the community could benefit from this thread

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"Be the change you wanna see in the world" -Gandhi