I once had a girl that ****ed me up sideways and front, rolled me over and turned me into a ****ing sweat filled tear-filled fucking greese napkin.

She was completely insane, she took 30 advils every time she felt sad. She tried to commit suicide, and told me about it every time. She called me when she was on the edge of a roof, ready to jump, asking if I still loved her. She tried to hit me and stab me, and tied me up mid-sex with a USB cable. We broke up every two days and got back that same night.

She was ****ed up, but in the end, we loved each other more than anything. And seeing her with a different guy kills me. I know I still have something for her.

I had a fight with my best friends. They're hoes before bros people. I don't like such people.

First thing I did was go back to work, as I always do. Thats life. Someone told me about a book called "The Game" in which a guy changed his life for the better.

After the game I was inspired. I started reading a book about NLP, mystery's books, and soon I had around 1500 books on self improvement, psychology, evolution, seduction, pickup, better sex, and about every other thing one could read to try to put himself out of misery. I watched every PUA related video I could find. Soon enough I was a girl magnet (Didn't have girl problems before, only now I had much more control over it.), stopped being annoying, got friendly around anyone, knew everybody when I walked into work, and shook hands with every male I met in town, hugged every girl I saw (and knew them all), and my phone book exploded with numbers of people I talked to in a pub or bar, mostly girls.
I could get any girl I wanted, but as soon as I saw her interest in me I didn't want her anymore. She wasn't good enough. No one was. They couldn't be, they weren't her.

I show people my beautiful life, I show them photos of me and my "friends", they want to hang around me. They want some of the fame.

But something is missing. And that is a twin soul. Someone to share my dying heart with, and someone to heal it from the ****ed up past thats haunting it.
Sometimes people do not understand the impact their stupid deeds have on people's lives.
Its been a year since I broke up with her, and while people around me assume and think I've had a million girlfriends since, because thats what it looks like from the outside, I haven't had even one.

I had a dream yesterday about meeting a girl. She was exactly like her, only with blonde hair and a bit more sane.
I met her through friends (which don't really exist in real life, they were only acknowledged in the dream and I felt I knew them all my life), and within 3 hours were sitting under a tree outside looking at the stars lighting the space between the tree's leaves and soon we kissed. I remember the sensation of biting her lower lip and the feeling we've known each other for a lifetime. Damn this is so ****ing awkward. I have felt so bad waking up from that dream. I wished I wouldn't.

I read in mystery's best seller that if love is let down, all other life system collapse after it. And I seem to be entering a downward spiral.

I have a feeling this trauma is messing with my life big time. I want to change that. I need help. You guys are amazing and have added so much to my life, and I couldn't ask for something more but I am desperate for help.

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"Any change is for the better."

I could be wrong but this is the best thing I have found to liberate myself from haunting memories. Looking at the dream from a psych prospective it would seem you have unfinished business with the girl and wish the situation would have been slightly different. You cannot control her but you can control yourself. Forget all the things she did wrong and just focus on what you did. This is probably the part that is haunting you and all the other stuff is just the ego putting up defensive structures. Stop defending and let the shields down so you can forgive yourself for your part.

I recently sent a simple message to my ex-fiance.

I am sorry for never being there for you when you were always there for me.

The message isn't important but the fact that I finally saw the truth and stopped defending my ego by making excuses was liberating. Now my ego still has a lot of things to say about the whole situation but my true self is satisfied and content. I don't think about the situation when I am trying to sleep anymore and she and I have a more tolerable relationship (meaning I can tolerate it better).

I am not sure if this will help you at all but it's what helped me in a loosely similar situation. Good luck, bro.

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You can't forget about me, stupid. Everywhere I go ima have my own theme music.

you, sir, have a clinical case of oneitis.

you are in a state of obsession, not love. if you're anything like me you're probably at least a bit of a narcissist and exceptionally attracted to girls with issues. since you didn't just buy a few books on pickup, but rather 1500, you probably have a case of OCD as well, the two are entirely consubstantial. the obsession, im willing to imagine, was brought on not when you guys broke up, but after she refused to take you back. since then you've been in a painful state of obsession. you are fixating on particular aspects of her personality and looks that you believe no other person has, the combination of, and that nothing else could possibly make you happy. that's delusional.

okay. the good news!

there are many, many, many, girls out there who also possess a number of particularly desirable combinations of unique characteristics that you can fall in love with. it is entirely irrational to fixate on her particular set.

there are also plenty of other girls out there with issues. if this is what you want, go read up on HPD's, NPD's, APD's, BPD's, CDPD's. they each exhibit particular signs very early on in conversation and relationship. you're not qualified to diagnose, but if you see recurrent patterns of behaviour, you can bet you got a girl with issues. yahoo. why you would want this, i don't know. i can sympathize. i love girls with issues, but only because of my own sickfuckery. is what it is.

i would recommend seeing a qualified psychologist to talk out your issues. probably wont fix anything permanently, but it can help you to cope. much of what more experienced members of the community on here talk about can be reduced to CBT strategies for inner game. i would recommend that. other than that. just keep going out and meeting people. trust me that you will chance upon a girl with real issues and you guys can fall deep into that overwhelming all-destructive love that can never last. ahhhhh.

one book i think every pua should read is the enrichridion by epictetus. contemporary cognitive behavioral therapy strategies are largely modelled on it, knowingly or not, and it really helps to deal with the obsessive state that you've worked yourself into. lastly. i would cut any and all associations with your ex: facebook, phone, email, photos, letters. they're just unhelpful and prevent you from moving on.

good luck bro.

who said he bought them lol....

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futility is doing the same thing over again expecting different results... change the way you do things and get different results... experiment

First of all - thank you guys for answering and I want you to know I really appreciate it.

To Jits, the unfinished business will never be solved as I am no longer in a fight with her. It solved by itself over time, and we are not in contact SPAM, I just feel like I've missed on a good friend (she was that, at some point).
I talked to a friend today who's still in contact with her and he said she still has serious issues and her current boyfriend is a "shut up, b****!" kinda guy, and that she likes him. So I really do guess she has some serious issues.
I let the shields down today, had some thought of the matter and I think I finally let it go properly. I never thought about it that way, so thank you.

To philo, I don't really think I'm attracted only to girls with issues but most of my ex's had issues, some better some worse. Everyone has issues. Thing is, I'm tired of shallow relationships with girls I don't know. It seems like every girl I manage to pick up loses her value in my view because she suddenly becomes cheap. I don't know why. I never had a problem getting girls, and I surely do not have one now, but it seems I become stupidly annoying around girls I develop feelings for and lose my head. I let myself open too fast around girls I love, because I trust them, stupid of me isn't it?
I think I'll see a good friend instead of a psychologist, only problem is I work (where all my best friends are at) far away from home (2 hour drive) and have to take public transport. I'm working on getting my own ride. I'm trying to meet new people, I do every day, and I schedueled a few social events for every day next week. I also made a fresh connection with an old friend I haven't seen in a year, who now runs his own studio and throws parties all week and I have been invited to join any, I'll try to join as many as possible to meet new people.

I cut out all connections to her around 5 months ago.

I'm planning on getting that book, and I will later. I don't think I'm so obsessed with her as I am with the feeling I had around her which I haven't felt in a long time. To be a close relationship with a person, as close as family, who was a total stranger a few months ago. Thats something I miss and can't seem to make that connection with new girls.
The wait for a new connection of the same importance is killing me, and I can't help but to think my entire social life is an illusion at times. It sure isn't, but I can't help but think otherwise every time a friend turns into an asshole, which is another issue I'm working on - finding friends that don't turn into assholes.

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"Any change is for the better."