OK, long story short...GF of about 10 months, I'm wild/crazy/funny American guy, and she's fun-loving but conservative middle eastern Muslim girl living a double-life. We're both divorced, both have kids, and even though we're very different in terms of culture and religion, we are very similar in terms of our our values. Given all of our differences, we are much more alike than any one would ever imagine by seeing us. Folks we casually know see us together and go "Really???", but folks we know well totally get why we jive so well.

Big problem: She's struggling with guilt over sex...she's Muslim and "doesn't believe" in premarital sex. (And I would buy that 100% if her ex-husband was the only other man she had ever had sex with, but he isn't...there were 4 others and some of it pretty crazy, but then she also felt tremendous guilt over those and stopped)...we fooled around for about 2 months, became exclusive, fooled around for another month, then started wearing each other out for about 5 months, had some issues, she started feeling guilty about sex and we reverted back to just fooling around. I wasn't happy with that, but was as patient as I could muster (trying to be understanding of her religious background, but I really wasn't very patient about it), but finally said "this isn't working for me...you need to take a week or so think it over", she changed her mind, I thought we were back on the right track finally, then she again decides "this is creating too much guilt for me...I want to wait until we're married?". My answer was essentially "I won't marry someone who withholds sex".

We are kinda stuck in this...this girl is fabulous in just about every other category, just about every guy I know in some of our social groups has asked her out or tried to "get" her, but I'm the one who actually "got" her (and quite a few of the guys in our social groups are quite envious of me), she's 15 years younger than me (I'm mid-40's, she's late 20's), she was ready to marry me months ago but I only recently completed my divorce 2 months or so ago.(Note that I didn't intend to get married again for at least quite a few years, but I feel like this one is a great catch.) She's said she was able to justify sex earlier in the year because I was still legally married and we couldn't get married. (That doesn't make much sense to me though...is it less religiously wrong to have sex with a legally married man than a legally single man??? Regardless, it was her way of justifying it.)

I love her and she's just nuts about me...but apparently not nuts enough to get over the guilt. Based on what I know, I'd say this woman is definitely marriage material, but again I won't marry someone who withholds sex. She's said it's guilt only and she'd never withhold anything if we were married...BUT...I still can't kick myself across that fence if she's withholding.

Here are my options, do I have any others you guys can think of?
1) Simply walk away without looking back. (We broke up once for a day...we were both miserable, and she showed up on my doorstep the next night.)
2) Tell her we can just be friends, but not anything more if she's going to withhold sex.
3) Tell her we can still see each other, but that I won't keep it exclusive anymore if she's witholding sex.
4) Continue to stay in limbo like we are now.
- 4a) Stay in limbo and continue pursuing her sexually.
- 4b) Stay in limbo and STOP pursuing her sexually.
5) Just say "screw it" and marry her (with a prenuptial agreement in place).
6) Just pin her down and take what I want (but that just feels too much like pseudo-rape even though we've done rough play like this many times).
7) Find some way of helping her overcome the guilt? Counseling maybe?

Any other options? I've tried to get her to understand that she's really killing the passion in our relationship by this decision (and if marriage is what she wants, this isn't the way to get it), but that doesn't seem to register.

I AM willing to walk away if necessary, no matter how I feel about her....but that's not what I WANT to do. She's a hottie with deep intelligence and a great heart, she's quite unusual and I like that...but there are plenty of intelligent, good-hearted, and unusual women on the planet. I'm not quite sure where to go with this, so I'd appreciate any thoughts from you guys.

Dr. Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.

I think you should take a break from her for a while. No dates or hanging out. While you are on break from her, date other women or do whatever you need to do to keep yourself occupied...Oh, and don`t marry her.

Essentially, you are suggesting option #3. (What I have been doing is option #4a.) I do believe in honoring commitments I make, so if I chose that option, I would have to tell her that I'm dropping our exclusivity agreement. I'm not wired to be a cheater, so I have to be upfront about it.

The way I see it, she is doing what is best for her (guilt avoidance at the expense of my happiness and the health of the relationship), while I'm currently doing what is best for "us" (honoring our exclusivity agreement). This is probably a discussion her and I need to have actually...if I were doing what is best for me rather than what is best for "us", I would take option #3.

Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.

No ,look,you either accept her or not.These people have beliefs that you won't change just by snapping your fingers.
What you do is pointless,and the whole situation is designed to make you AFC(only because you try to change her). Look when she was born a priest told her "don't have sex unless you get married",i doubt when you were born there was somebody who told you "don't marry somebody who doesn't have sex with you".She has a deep belief while for you it's just a egoic thing.Maybe because she had sex with other guys without getting married,your ego made you thought you could do it too,otherwise they are better than you.
Marry her or don't.Up to you.Just don't stay in this pity.

Dude that's fucked up logic and you know it. Here we have a great example of her making an emotional decision and justifying it after the fact, the way women are want to do.

The reason she's not moving forward is because she doesn't feel comfortable.

Well in the beginning she was probably smitten by you and just had to do it - and justify it later.

I can't say, but either it was so powerful in the beginning it overcame her religious guilt, or the other way - it was normal in the beginning but now you've become a bit more boring and she's using the religion as an excuse. I'm no expert but obviously she has some flexibility there.

Anyway, religion sucks. Keep in mind there are other catches to Muslim religion which you may not be cool with, so better check that out.


Actually when I think about her excuse a bit more, it's quite possible it's a trust thing - maybe in her mind you would've married her in a minute but you couldn't legally, so she had sex with you anyway. But now that you ARE single and not marrying her, she feels less certain. Just a theory.

Yup, that is my assessment too. January - June was pretty fantastic, so it was irresistable...July and August had some conflicts. She's wise enough to admit she makes emotional decisions and justifies them with logic.
I agree here too...the fact that I'm now divorced but we'e not married yet creates uncertainty for her.

And the other poster is correct...part of it IS an ego thing for me. However, I think it's a reasonable ego thing. I won't set the precedent of marrying someone who is making a choice that is best for her rather than the choice that is best for "us". If I made the choice that is best for me, I'd be choosing option #3, wouldn't I? Keep her AND fuck other women would certainly be the best choice for me.

If she changes her mind, she'll get pretty much everything she wants from me... BUT she has to give me what I want from her.

More thoughts, please?

Dr.Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.