I guess I found out the truth about my self. I claimed that my tirades have been "man periods". However, with further analysis I realize them to be a defense mechanism that I built over time to protect my fragile person. I realized this yesterday when my boss called me off the sales floor, and told me that a customer said I said no to helping them. I have never denied a customer appropriate help, I felt betrayed, all I could think about is ways to destroy that company. And then at that moment, when I got home, and it was just me alone in the darkness, I realized that what I had just done was create a small bubble of false reality for my self. For most of my life when I feel betrayed, I usually seek vengeance. And it hasn't just been with people, it's been with organizations, groups, and even nations....

Each time I feel betrayed I go inside my self, I become bitter and resentful. Yesterday helped me to see that some darkness roams deep with in my soul. The only way in which I can seek to fix this, is to be strong and resist my dark urges to destroy. It ripped me apart inside when my boss told me I better watch where I stand with the company. I took personally, though he was just handling business. And that's the thing, I take things personally, even when others I just handling business. Maybe that is my greatest weakness, to put my heart into situations where it does not belong. I will study this further, I will grow and understand. Even at this moment, I can not help but to think of ways to make the current place I work for go bankrupt. How that would put a smile on my face.

I can even understand the origins of this garbage; it truly started out when I was a kid. People would often hurt or betray me; I often stayed away from people in order not to get hurt anymore. I vowed in the long run that all the people whom had hurt me at the present, would be hurt by me in the long term future. It was a way to cope with the pain of being alone and hurt. So as time moved on, I would eventually become more rational about those situations, but the way in which I have dealt with them has not. I still seek vengeance; it has been my only protector. I truly need to go see a professional, just someone I can yap off to for an hour in order to chill out. No normal person would seek to destroy things when they become bitter, or would they??

I think some people run away, and others neglect it and pretend it isn't there, but I however, I seek revenge, and I seek to destroy. I will not focus on this negativity; I just wanted to make my self understand my own problems. I think the scariest thing has been that I have transferred some of this behavior over with women. Not that I wish to destroy women, but that this betrayal has made me fear and hate love. It makes me resentful of feminine energy, and for a long time before PUA I would run and escape from this issue. I would create bull shit fantasies of some girl saving me from my self. Boy how pathetic am I? When you actually begin to understand women, you understand that they don’t work like they do in movies. I thought that a woman would form the better half of me. Now I just need to form the better half of my empty self.

I think this has been primary issue number one for me, no inner game. So from now on, I have to seriously get some. To be this dark and fucked up won’t help me at all.

~Lust

I think there has been a second problem of mine in PUA, me being lazy as fuck. I think most guys aren't honest with themselves, and they often exaggerate what they have actually done. To be honest I haven't done shit to get anywhere, I haven't tried, I haven't done my best, and I got the results I tried for. Which is simply nothing. I complain about when I actually do attempt to go out and do shit how it fails. In reality, I was just skimming the iceberg. I sit around all day and make up dreams and fantasies about this great man I'll be in the future, but my present, the place where I live today isn't shit. I'm so not in the here and now. I'm lost in the future, and while I’m dreaming of a bright future, I'm slowly allowing my future to be eaten away by foolishness.

I lack passion and vigor, when I was a boy I was able to understand things so much more then I do now. Maybe it's because more thoughts cloud my mind, or that a piece of my brain is not functioning well. Whatever the case may be, I have become worse in being a competent person. I sit around all day, looking to the future as my only ally; instead I have made it my greatest enemy....

So why do I post this garbage in the FR section of the forum?? Why Have I moved away from all of this?? I hope my foolishness can serve as an example to guys who go out and try to become better, that sitting around moping and being bitter will get you no where. I dream of how my stuff can be better, but I do nothing to improve it. Of course I have a legitimate reason for not gaming for the last week, Thursday through Saturday I worked twenty-one hours at work, and I was legitimately busy this weekend. But I'm not always this busy, and when I'm not, I do nothing constructively with my time.

Well, I have to swallow my pride and admit that what I have to do now is to actually do. Stop dreaming, stop looking towards the future for escape, and do things now in the present, so that my dreams of the future can become true. Sometimes living firmly in the present can be hard. But if we look at the negative effects that looking at the future or even the past has, rather then being grounded in the present has, we can take a second and analyze the dark ages. The dark ages were the way they were because people as a collective group, sought refuge in the future. They believed that life beyond the point in which they were living was better. So as a collective group they did nothing to better their existence. That is until the start of the renaissance, the key different between the renaissance and the dark ages, was the people were well grounded in the present, and work towards their future, not dream towards it.

And this is directed towards me and others, who are having trouble, stop living in a dark age, your own darkness. Work towards the future, don’t' dream towards it. A lot of times we dream about things to take the burden of the work off of us. It will be painful, but now I am ready to grow and do this. Stop admiring the progress of others, and start working on your own progress. From now on, I restart, I haven’t been here for 5 months, and I’ve been here for 0 days. This is my new start; this is my time to work towards the future. To work to create the future I dream of. Dreams are only made true through hard work and persistence. And from now on not in just pick up, but in life in general, I will work hard and move towards bright future. Stop being lazy, work hard. Sounds simple, now I just have to actually do it, that's where the hard work comes in . Plan for the future, work in the present......

~Lust

First of all, this is one great way to get good inner game - this introspective journal is a priceless tool to change perceptual filters and shit. I am impressed with this whole thread so far.

As for comebacks, you need to address something else, first. You've already begun to discover why you feel the way you do when someone throws a wisecrack at you, now try to begin understanding how some people can still smile and feel great as they seemingly insult each other. I've already given you one tool to help you with this exact issue - meditation. Do 5 minutes a day and eventually you'll start being more relaxed and less emotionally reactive to people trying to insult you.

As for all the shit about revenge and pent up hate, that's a deeper issue that you may or may not be ready to tackle yet. But, we'll see.

A number of years ago, one of my former PU students betrayed me in a very big way. He did something that many people would consider atrocious and unforgivable. I held a pretty big grudge against him for a couple years and I even considered hiring an assassin. I had two offers for the job, too.

Fortunately, I decided against doing such a terrible thing and chose instead to forgive him. Check out my blog post about it: http://chiefpua.blogspot.com/2008/11/forgiveness.html

You've already explored where all the hate and vengeance you feel come from. Now, I want you to ask yourself this question: Where does forgiveness come from?

EDIT: Here's something else that will help dealing-with-difficult-people-vt77763.html

So after a few days of thinking, I've started to ask a deeper question. A question that I think is starting to arrive at the core of who I am as a person. Around 2 or 3 hours b4 I wrote this post, I started to put things together. A few days ago I and my parents had had a conversation about my job. I told them that I felt that business and sales weren’t for me. I was insistent that I wasn't passionate about it before. They constantly reiterated that it's just a job to help out, that I need to be open to strengthening weaknesses, gaining new skills, and trying new things. My father would go onto say some pretty profound things. One of them was that you can't allow people to harm or destroy who you are on the inside. Secondly that you have to have a shield, you don't have to be a phony or wear a mask, but you deflect the attacks that come against you. Finally my father told me that you have to be above garbage, and not so open to what everyone says. And at that point I began thinking, open?? What did that mean?? My father told me that I was a pretty soft, fun loving, and open guy. But why?? What was he implying??

Well it took until today, when I was back in the student government office, when I was back around Evan, the guy who had said that I sucked on my mom's tits. And he yet again assaulted me verbally, but this time I withstood and fired back a bit, and then I began to tune him out. I'm still not getting the whole having fun thing while getting your heart roasted, I'll get it eventually. And the worst part of this problem, is the fact that making fun of people, and having fun with it is just apart of this guy. So it's not gonna go away, I love doing my work in the student government office, so I'm not gonna leave it just because it becomes uncomfortable.

But with all that being said, I finally got what my father meant by "open". My heart is on my sleeve, I invest my heart in everything, in every situation. This ties back to the revenge situation, but it starts to hack at the core of what's really going on. My heart is open because I put my heart in situations where it does not belong; I invest my heart in things that it doesn't need investment in. When it comes time to do things, I let them get to me, because I allow them to penetrate into my heart, everyone has the key to this place.

But why?? Why does this all exist?? I'm still trying to understand, but part of it goes back to the home, and how I grew up during school. When I was younger I would be teased about my dark skin, or my yellow teeth. As I got older I put on the pounds and it was my weight, and my dysfunctional family. Eventually I whitened my teeth, and I've lost a few pounds.

But to get back to the main point, people used to tease me all the time, and when I was younger I used to fight back and look stupid. My comebacks were good sometimes, but they were horrible most of the time. I learned eventually to just shut up when people make fun of me, because trying to come back at them would just make me make fun of my self more. I feared saying something stupid, dumb, and looking like an idiot. I got into like 3 fights in middle school and lost all of them. I eventually learned to avoid conflict, until high school and I beat this one kid’s ass and he and his friends learned not to fuck with me anymore. I had to go through high school with nemesis on nemesis. Finally I got to college and I didn't have to deal with the garbage, and granted the situation between me and Evan isn't that serious. But it still warrants my attention that I react like this to this situation.
So eventually I responded to all this negativity by being the guy who didn't give a shit, the guy who would act out or do anything. I was the guy who would stir up trouble, or make little snippets in class, because teachers don't get paid to make comebacks. Granted it got me some fake friends, but in the end I just became more and more isolated. I was an easy target for people, and it got unbearable.

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The person who knocks you out the hardest is your self. ~ Lust

To add to how I was perceived by my phony friends, and my classmates, I did not have the best functioning family. It was not the worst, but it certainly was not healthy in any way shape or form. My father was very emotionally, spiritually, and mentally abusive when we were younger as a family. I was the bad child of the family, so I would come home, and I was always be the first one accused of doing things, which I take ownership and say that I did do some of the stuff. However a lot of it was my sisters. It got to the point where if something was done wrong in the house, then my parents would find me first, regardless to if I was at a friend's house, out on a walk at the park, being normal and holding a girl's hand somewhere in our subdivision. Nothing would stop them from finding me and asking me some questions. It was spiritually draining; I always had to be on the defense at school, outside, at home. The only place where I could find solitude was my own mind, away from people, away from everyone, away from everything...

But the worst part of it all was not that they targeted me, but how my father's paranoia encompassed life in our house. I still have some of those skeptical paranoid tendencies to this day. I was told repeated lecture after repeated lecture how the government was always out to get you, how the police targeted you all the time, how white people were out for you. It simply became too much, and one time, I was around 9 my father when into excruciating detail about how if I was found by a kidnapper, they would anally destroy me, and yes he used the worked fuck, and that they would find me dead and I’d be on the fucking 9 o'clock news. There was a lot of the word fuck in there. I couldn't really trust anything, anyone, nothing... I hated the outside world, I hated the school, I hated where I was at, and I resented my family...

My mother would always complain about how my father mistreated her, and she had no real friends, so she would use us to vent. When I would stand up for her she would say, “Don’t disrespect you father like that.” It puzzled me why she would like to be treated like shit, and why she would complain but do nothing. Now I finally understand how much my mother was full of shit. Secretly she liked the abuse, the hurt and the pain. She would beg my father to stay, and now with all this pua stuff wrapped around my brain I can understand why. To finish this part of the story, our family was simply fucked up, and that rubbed off. I took the fucked up way my family treated each other to the outside world, and I handled situations in that manner. I felt attacked all the time, so when someone would be nice to me, show me attention, or want to befriend me, I attached to them. It was something I could keep, something I could trust... But it turns out that they too would stab me in my back. Like my mother before me I would just keep coming back…

_________________
The person who knocks you out the hardest is your self. ~ Lust

I went through life attaching, not allowing others to leave as they please. I tried desperately not to be in the place I was in, with the people I was with. I would sit around and day dream all day, sleep all day, be depressed all day... Because dreaming and escaping in my mind was much better then living in the present. The present was nothing but a broken home and chaos. I was bad at school, bad with people, and not trusted much by both my extended and immediate family. I was good at one thing however, I was good at creating more problems for my self, and I was good at attaching a negative energy and aura to my self. I would walk around the hallways of school talking about the demise of western civilization, or the destruction of countries dear to us. For me I saw my salvation in places other then where I exist today. But now that I grow older and wiser I realize how much of a fool I have been. It's all the same shit, no different, not from Asia definitely, in fact Asia would treat me worse then the west. I'm half African so I'm an outcast there. So I began to accept some hard truths that I am where I am and that I stay where I stay. All cultures are no different from other cultures. But my younger self would stay in this mode. I would stay negative.

I would go through school creating controversy, being the negative guy, all about politics and war. I would lust after those things. But at the same time being the dumb, annoying goofy guy, who would always laugh and yell out. Today I've become more of the second guy than the first guy. My internal defense mechanism is the first guy, and I've managed to try to shut it off and control it some. I would do this stuff all the time, when really I didn't want any sort of attention like that. Really I was just calling out for help.... I used to have fantasies of a best friend who would follow me to the ends of the Earth, who would die for me. That would've been bliss, that and a woman who would do anything to save me from my self. So I would constantly dream and dream these things. I would never get them though. It got to the point in high school where I simply started to become goofy, I tried my hardest. Some people call it immaturity; I call it me screaming out for attention and help. I was really saying somebody help me please!! I was in such deep agony.

When I moved to my second and final high school, I was isolated; I was that “weird” kid. I was anti-social, and granted I had some friendships, but I destroyed them in days with my nonsense. I was the against society kid. I dreamed that one day all those people who laughed at me, who had hurt me, spited, and taunted me would pay. One day I would be their leader, one day I would make them pay…. But deep inside, I wanted to be needed, to be cared for, to be loved… By that time my family’s wounds had begun to heal, my father became Christian and turned his life around. My mother began to follow Christ as well. But every so often, my father’s old self will come out, the paranoid fearful man, the man afraid of everything around him. The world collapsed in on him, and he feels under attack all the time.

_________________
The person who knocks you out the hardest is your self. ~ Lust

I can not blame my parents for what has happened though, because that's what happens when you start a family and you aren't ready. You not only destroy your self, but you destroy others who are around you. I want to give a fair caution and warning to those guys on this site, who just seek female affection and love, but do not work to take the steps neccessary to love your selves. All you will be doing is creating more "yous" on this Earth. People who are as mystified and lost, as I am...

All of my life I have looked for a place where I "belong" a place where people would love me for me, a place where people would respect and venerate me for my accomplishments and achievements. I knew I couldn't get that from the world as it is today, so I sought to create my own world, my own place of perfection... I sought refuge in a place where I didn't always have to be on my guard, where I didn't always have to be alert or have things on my mind. I felt like no one, not even my family loved me. I would reach out and try to become loving and affectionate with my father; it would be met with a laughing reply. Or I would try to lift up my mother and love her, which would be met by sarcasm... The only people who I've ever truly been close with have been my sister's, and they have dealt with my garbage for years. I love them and thank them for that. It didn't start that way; we all were separate and envious of each other when we were younger. Eventually we grew to love one another and learned to take care of each other.

It was when I and my sister got close after an incident; I started to become aware of my self and what I had been doing wrong all my life. I think to wrap this extremely long short story up, chief said something about forgiveness. I think that is the only way to move on. But I don't understand how to forgive, how to be above things, how to just laugh and move on. I don't understand that because I am in bondage with my self. I am bound by my own heart and mind. And until I can truly understand the concept behind it all, I will never truly understand what forgiveness means. Forgetting, forgiving.... It is truly the only way I can be free.

But I also think I can never truly understand what it means to love… Not because I have never been given it, but because I have never been in real love, I have only attached. Even with my sisters, eventually I have learned to allow them to be two separate people away from me. I guess in a way I have learned to love them, because I am willing to let them go… But is that the true definition of forgiveness, Love??? Not love in the sense of Marvin Gaye and being a secret lover, but love in the sense of forgiving, forgetting. Because only a heart full of love can forgive, and my heart is still clouded in hate. This whole story is still a mystery to me, I still have not put together all the pieces, but I will find out where they all fit eventually…..

But the question remains, why am I so open?? Is it to feel loved?? Wanted?? Needed?? Craved for?? I have no idea as of yet, I will investigate deeper...

_________________
The person who knocks you out the hardest is your self. ~ Lust

So awhile back I was thinking of why I make fun of people, it really came today from when I was in the student government office again. I had to ask my self and come to grip with reality as to why I made fun of people. I found out it was not at all in fun and laughter. It was to make my self look cool, to make others look like idiots, to blow off steam, to provoke people, and so much more. But when they struck back, I couldn't handle it, isn’t that a damn shame??? . Why did I want to intentionally provoke them?? Because I wanted the attention, because I want loyalty, obedience and submission. I figured that if I could make fun of someone it would gain me massive respect. All it truly has done is make me look like an idiot. So when I receive these jokes back, I often take them the same way I dish them.... So often I don't do things out of fun, but often I do things for social reasons. When I get made fun of, I feel socially devalued, like I'm at the bottom of the totem pole. I’m still trying to understand this stuff, I have a long way to go......

_________________
The person who knocks you out the hardest is your self. ~ Lust

So I haven't done a real scare shit in a minute. I decided it was time to put an end to this long silence. Since I was a child I have had a particularly fond hate of queen ants. They disgust me, and so I decided to open my mind and broaden my horizons. I decided to appreciate the beauty of the queen ant, rather then see its hideous exterior and want to exterminate it. So I took it upon my self to look up pictures on Google images, and I went through the websites. It turns out that they are not all that bad. So to prove that I forced my self to go through this punishment, I will post a few pics that I viewed today.







So now I have to look at these nasty fucking images every time I log in. I should eventually become desensitized to it.

_________________
The person who knocks you out the hardest is your self. ~ Lust

Queen ants can live up to 45 years!!!

http://whoknew.news.yahoo.com/?nc&vid=23290262

_________________
The person who knocks you out the hardest is your self. ~ Lust

Today I looked at Earth worms and blue waffles. Unfortunatley I can't submit pictures of blue waffles as evidence I looked at them .....

http://scienceblogs.com/zooillogix/2008 ... d_frie.php
http://www.funny-potato.com/big-earthworms.html
http://www.ecuador-travel.net/biodiversity.htm

There you have it, my scare shit of the day.

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The person who knocks you out the hardest is your self. ~ Lust

Yeah after yesterday I realized even more that I can't do this with out professional help, good thing mental health is covered under my health insurance, time to check out some therapists and get this show on the road. My hatred for a few people on the forum sent me over the top. And someone may post an e-mail that I sent to them, and if that so happens, I meant every fucking thing I said about them and everyone else it was directed towards in the forum. Have a nice fucking day .

_________________
The person who knocks you out the hardest is your self. ~ Lust