This is kind of posted in the relationship forum, as I've been dating this girl for 4 months now, but there tends to be more traffic here so I thought I'd post a slightly more detailed version. I really don't know what to do at this point... I like this girl a lot, and when things are good between us everything is great. She's going through a bad time in her life (unemployed, now broke, two family deaths this year) so I've tried to be understanding but after this I just feel like she doesn't care about me:


On Halloween we were out barhopping and I ran out of cash, and she got really upset that I couldn't buy her more drinks. After a couple days she decided that it was mostly because she's unemployed and really sensitive about money and it made her feel dependent on me... so she said from now on we'll only go to cheap places and she'll pay her share. We went to a restaurant a couple days later and she insisted on paying half, and I insisted on taking care of it... she only relented because she would have felt funny handing the waiter two credit cards. Everywhere we've gone since she's insisted on paying half.

Now, last week she hurt her back somehow and has been in really bad shape... so I offered to take care of her dog and have been doing other things to help her all week. Yesterday she needed to get new shoes for her new temp job... so I picked her up from her chiropractor (I had offered to drive her to the chiro since my car is easier on her back, but she declined.) We stayed at my place for a while and then at night went to the mall. I ran to get smoothies since she really likes them, which is a far more important detail than it may seem.

Four hours of shoe shopping later (aka me holding everything, running around to find shoes for her and helping her stand and walk) she's talking about buying shoes she could find for half the price at another store just because she doesn't want to leave empty handed.

I talk her out of it, and we go to the car and she decides she needs to pay me back for the smoothie. I don't argue because I know she'll just insist anyway... and suddenly she's upset.

We drive home in silence and suddenly she blurts out she wants her dog back. Ok, fine... she can barely walk but she's going to walk the dog in the morning and carry a bag of dog food up her stairs. Not to mention bending down to feed her a few times a day. Since she was out of dog food she wanted my bag, and forced me to take $20 to cover the dog food and gas for driving her around. I refused, but she insisted that she resented me for the $4 but not the $20 and made me take it.



Once I got home I texted her asking if I got to resent her for making money an issue again, or for hurting herself (by taking the dog back) in order to spite me. A few minutes later I texted her that I can't keep going through these fights every two weeks like we have been.

She tried calling but I really didn't feel like talking, so let it go to voicemail... then she texts me saying that one thing she would never hope to do is kick a person while they're down, and not to text her again.

(Of course, while we were at my house I'd mentioned we couldn't really do anything this month because I couldn't afford too... so getting us into a fight about money seems a lot like kicking a person while they're down to me, but hey... who's counting?)

I know she's going through a tough time right now, and she's hyper sensitive to money issues... but how often can I let things like this go?

I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow, and considering emailing her tonight to tell her something like the following:

I care about you and I understand you're in a bad place right now so I've always tried to be understanding of that. But last night you made me feel like you don't care about me, even as a person let alone a boyfriend. I wouldn't get mad at my worst enemy if they demanded $4 after helping me so much, and I didn't even ask for or want the money.

We've had this argument before, but I don't think we really resolved things. So, since I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, I'd like you to come with me and see if she can help us work this out once and for all.

Meet me at... (address/time info here)

I hate to say this, but if you aren't willing to work this out then I have to assume you really just don't care about me.

Hi man.

this is actually quite simple: tell her to stop the fucking self complaints. tell her you are sick of the money quarrels. Dont talk shit about caring about each other. you obviously do. Tell her she either accepts the fact that you can and will help her or she shuts the fuck up about it and help herself. If it was my girlfriend, i would also tell her that i aint going to break up because she doesnt have money, but i would break up because she cant stop complaining about it.


and besides, what the hell are you guys doing, barhopping when you are both short on cash? What the hell do you mean, going to a restaurant? During my rough time, i only ate bread with peanut butter or a slice of cheese. Yeah, after 4 days you are sick of bread, yeah, so what? Going to a restaurant, even if it is only a cheap place? With the money you bought a burger with, you could have bought bread instead and have food for at least 2 days.

Really, with all due respect amigo, i really do understand the frustrations and the feeling of imprisonment if you cant do anything because you dont have cash to spare. And i do not intend to flame you nor your girlfriend, i am just being honest here.

common you guys, this is how life is. get real and grow a pair.

ciao

_________________
"Stop being a fucking vagina and escalate" - CaptainJackHarkness

Like the naked leads the blind.
I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind.
Sucker love I always find,
Someone to bruise and leave behind.
placebo - every me, every you

We're both pretty bad about it, though I actually have a good job. I can afford to go overboard a little once in a while... but sometimes she seems to think that because I have an income I should have infinite cash or something.

So sent the email, worded a little differently...

She calls me 15 minutes befor the appointment, basically yells at me for not picking up the phone when she called the night in question, saying she had needed help (not that she left a voicemail asking for help) and that I was inhuman and cheap. She made a big deal about how she was going home to an empty apartment with no food since she couldn't shop or anything. (Meanwhile the original plan before she got mad at me was to stop at wegmans and have me pick up some groceries for her.)

So talk to the therapist, who indicates that I should be holding her to a higher standard of behavior and shouldn't be the one to apologize her. She agrees with me that the whole smoothie thing was a test and a trap, and thinks the girl is somewhat afraid to be in a relationship.

Anyway, at the end of the session I'm feeling bad about the gf not having food, so I ask my therapist if it would be a good idea to offer to bring some by for her. She says it would make it seem like I was easily manipulated, but maybe if I attached a condition to it like making her apologize.

And now for the payoff! Sent the text offering groceries, and she texts back saying I'm nuts and should feel bad for myself. Then she calls me 10 minutes later to break up with me.

Unbelievable... all because of a smoothie.

If it hadn't been the smoothie it would have been something else man. She's fucked in the head, you're WAY better off without her. You didn't do anything wrong. She's the crazy one. No go find yourself some SANE pussy

_________________
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This is why I date rich girls with daddy's money, never have this issue

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Hmm, sorry to hear that man. But after reading this story, i think you should be glad. Yeah, i know, perhaps you liked her a lot and i am sure it stings. But lets move on.

Oh, if she calls you back (and i think she might) and says she is sorry, tell her to make up her freaking mind. Behave and be together or just fuck off.

ciao

_________________
"Stop being a fucking vagina and escalate" - CaptainJackHarkness

Like the naked leads the blind.
I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind.
Sucker love I always find,
Someone to bruise and leave behind.
placebo - every me, every you

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pc0mxOXbWIU[/youtube]

Looks like that song fits your story perfectly.

Really not sure that exists...

I'm kind of ok. I was on the verge of breaking up with her over he display of "gratitude" anyway... well, not on the verge but the thought had entered my mind.

It's hard though. People in another forum are basically saying the way she acts is abusive... and it goes back to her low self-esteem and such.

Well, like I said... I'm kind of ok. It hurts... but I think it'll hurt more once it settles in that she won't call. Then again, a lot of people are saying she probably will... but yeah, things need to change for me to take her back.

Oddly enough in light of my last post... I saw my therapist again today to help me figure out how to deal with this, and especially with the possibility of her wanting to get back together.

My therapist still supported getting back together under certain conditions. Basically saying that pretty much everyone has issues and baggage, so what's important is being able to work things out. So yeah, no sane pussy out there...

Her main conditions are basically:

1) The ex makes contact with me

2) She apologizes and understands how she caused this

I actually added on my own conditions:

3) She shows me that she's making an effort to take control of her life and improve her self-esteem (We both think that this is a big part of what's really going on.)

4) Write a list of reasons why I should want to date her, not so much because I need it but because she needs to understand what I could see in her (somewhat optional, depending on how I read her state if she calls)


So, I guess we'll see. I'm not 100% convinced she'll call... but I'm actually ok with that at this point.

So she called a little while ago. She started talking about whether or not I missed the dog and saing she didn't think it was fair to break things off in such a short conversation. She kept asking if I cared about the dog... I think it was more of a test of me caring than anything.

Anyway, her perspective on the fight... and she makes some good points.

1) I said she was upset, I do have to clarify that she was crying and I took it personally about the money thing. She does say that was a big part of it, but also because she was in pain.

2) I ignored her calls, which calls into question my ability to take care of someone who is in pain. She brought up examples of pregnant wives, and children who will do things to frustrate you and you still need to care about them. So she doesn't trust my caring anymore.

3) She thinks putting a condition on buying her food was ultimately repugnant, as if I only cared about her when she was doing things I wanted her to.

I can't say I feel like she's entirely wrong... though I do think she was making it difficult for me to help her when she refused me offering her food and such.

Oh, and the paying her own way thing was only meant for when we were out with friends... though she has told me to take money a few times when we went out.

The weird thing is the conversation was going kind of badly, then towards the end she got pretty cheerful... when I questioned that she explained that she had eaten something. (She can get really moody when she's hungry.)


Oh, also she's upset because I called up the girl I lost my v-card to to talk about things. She just occurred to me because she's the only person who really knows stuff about me and who I can talk to.

Ok, so... we actually met with my therapist yesterday and it was somewhat unproductive. When we left we talked outside for a minute and she said she didn't even know how she could be friends with someone who would put a condition on providing food. She also still denies that my therapist would have advised me to do that, since the therapist didn't specifically say "Yes, I told him to do that." (She did nod when I said she'd advised it, but clearly not good enough.)

So whatever, figure it's over and drive home...

10 minutes after I get home she calls me and just starts talking like old times. She just signed up for Facebook and asked why I hadn't friend requested her. (Maybe because you told me not to contact you?)

At the end though she wanted me to tell her where I had posted a thread much like this one (on a dating website) to ask for advice since I had referred to it in our discussions. I told her not to read it since it would probably only hurt her feelings, but she seemed pretty adamant so I told her the site and section to find it in.

I was on the way to a show at that point, and afterwards called and left a message telling her to have a good thanksgiving and I wish her luck if she never wants to speak to me again.

Heard nothing until she sent a text saying happy thanksgiving a little while ago.

So... anyone else confused? I mean, I could write that text off as being sent to everyone in her contacts list... but why the friendly phone call 20 minutes after saying she couldn't even be my friend?