I've finally found out what the older guys were talkin' bout, how you didn't really need to have inner game for night game, cuz you don't. but I've finally realized my greatest sticking point during the day. I'm not where I need to be, I'm not who I need to be. I need to work on my self, and get me together. I've failed to realize that. I will strive to work on me now, no longer is it about seducing girls, or having hot arm candy. I now see what I need to be doing, who I need to be. It is time to work on the most important person in my life, me .

I opened a few cashiers, didn't go too bad. It wasn't great, one of them looked kinda scared the whole time .

Opened 3 women 30+, that didn't go so well either, most of them just didn't really talk to me. Told them they looked nice, my mistake .

And I think I start doing the scariest thing of all, start working on my self . man that's some scary shit when you think about it. Lot's of fucked up shit to fix .

Yeah, I've been busy working a lot, though some how I find time to go into chat .... Anyways, I've done a lot of stuff in field, it feels fucking awesome when you start to see results man. When you actually start to see stuff click. I"m so happy I made this journal, it's help me evaluate my self and my priorities. But today, I think I'm seeing a good result. Some girl I really don't like was feeling my stomach near my pelvis. I wasn't too nervous, to be honest I didn't like her sexually until today. My dick got really hard, but I guess I was being stupid. This is the first time in day game that I had a girl come at me this hard, she was giving me the IOM look. But she doesn't have a car, and I'm not one to wanna fuck in like 15 minutes cuz I had to catch the bus. So logistics was definitely a factor. She lives near my college, so I think I need to get a good thing going, and get her back to her apartment. She wants to fuck me, and even though I don't like her much, I think it's time to just let her fuck the shit outta me and be done with it. She isn't ugly, and she's been chasing for awhile. Time to give her some dick . And when I said I wasn't nervous earlier I'm fucking lying, I'm SUPER nervous, nervous as fuck man .

First realization I'm gonna make is that if potential employers find this site, I want to clean up my language, so I'm gonna stop being so vulgar from now on. Secondly, I've been EXTREMELY lazy . I've realized that I've began to adopt the right mindset, however, I've been being lazy. I need to start to push things as far as I can. Today I met a girl I haven't seen in 6 years, but she looked GREAT!!! I could've easily pushed this interaction to some heavy kino. I was just being stupid and lazy. I've also been letting my old stupid bragging self out. So I'm gonna start being a bit more reserved and work harder at getting good at my game. NO more being lazy.

Control of my self, and having fun. That's what I need to bring to that party tommorrow. I'm gonna open some sets b4 going to the party tommorrow.

Ok so here is my plan, I've been lazy as hell, and I KNOW it. So I will actually stop being lazy, and start to be patient, and work on concepts for as long as they take to properly develop. One of them is self-control. I lack, and I need more it. It is one of the draw backs to my game, and it seriously makes me look like and unattractive person. They say don't focus on the negative behavior, but this is some shit I wanna cut out.

1.) Stop doing bragging and lying about fake stuff. There is nothing worse then a liar and a fake. I play off this cool girl getting exterior in front of ppl at school. I've been doing this since like 2nd grade and it hasn't been working. Ppl know I’m not getting girls, I'm trying to stop this damn facade, I hope I can catch my self and work on this.
2.) I wanna quick being a loud mouth, and talking just to talk all the time. I really need to cut it out. Conversation is cool, but I loud mouth just to pretend cool, not cool.
3.) Telling on my self, what I mean by this is talking about what I did with some girl to those around me cuz I think it makes me look cool. Cuz it doesn't.

Positive behaviors to counter these behaviors:

1.) Being silent and discreet
2.) Only talking when I need to talk, this doesn't mean not talk to ppl at all; it just means I need to stop over talking in conversations, and listen.
3.) I will no longer be the gossip king, passing information from one ear to the next.
4.) I will be humble. NO more bragging or lying.

5.) PRIOTIZE, PRIORITIZE, PRIOTIZE!!! That should get it across enough. Need to stop doing this just out of fun, and need to know what's important and what's not.

I believe with this mindset that I can actually do things and gain some self control.

The other thing I want to work on is the control of focus. I think when I took a break I realized something; my focus was totally on "picking-up" girls before, which was actually hindering me. So now I will dedicate my time to actually practicing one key thing essential to game, no matter how long this takes. Having fun will now be my number one priority in interactions. Unfortunately my rigid mind views things in a sort of hierarchal and strategic mindset. I viewed one conversation as a means to getting to the next step. So often times I overcomplicated things and I wasn't having fun.

I need to have fun and focus on having fun.

Next I will focus on being more relaxed about my self; I always carry my self in some sort of battle ready mode. It's great for when you are talking to an old guy and having a philosophical discussion, or even talking to a local senator to change some state legislation. It is however, HORRIBLE when you’re talking to friends, family, and girls. I have put up this wall of battle readiness, and I need to finally tear it down, once and for all!!

So the key things I will be working on for the next several weeks are

1.) Focus: Having fun
2.) Control of my self in interactions, and NOT cutting ppl off while their speaking, just listening to them. Have some LIMITS!!! I can't not stress this enough, I need to have some limits and be able to seperate areas of my life, and be able to act one way in one environment and act one way in another. This has seriously messed me over my whole life because I've been dragging the informal loud mouth me everywhere. I need to sometimes mute it down, and be able to adjust to my environment apporately. This if I had to rank a series a problems with my self, has been one of the greatest problems. Not being able to seperate.

3.) Being relaxed and calm, this is kinda like being in control of my self, but that line refers more to how I clown out and need to stop that.

I also wanna make some realizations here:

I need to develop some Inner game; I’ve realized that day game is dependant upon inner game.

I’m a nice and funny guy naturally; I think I need to drop the fake battle ready, tough guy, cocky/funny façade. I will just be humble, and who I am.

I will work on my natural talents instead of trying to develop new ones at the moment. I think me being a genuinely nice and caring person is one of them.

I will become a more studious and hardworking person. Who prioritizes life, and has his focus on the right path.

Women will be second to all the important things in my life: Work, family, true friends, and self-fulfillment.

I will practice not acting out for attention; I’ve been doing that for so long. It’s hard to really grasp what you’ve been doing wrong for how long until you realize. I’m not being negative, I just own up to the things I’m doing.

I will not lie anymore to create some fake exterior.

I will be more reserved and patient.

As of now I think those are the important things I need to address, which ties back into the original 3 points above. But they are simply specified so that I can have areas to target.

I know I've been posting like a monster, but as usual I'm discovering my self in the process. One last thing I will commit to for the next several weeks or months, is the serious development of inner game. I will from now on, try to seriously develop some inner game. I think this will be crucial to my success from now on. I can honestly say that it is not looks, or even my poor conversation skills holding me back, but it is honestly me holding me back. The part of me that is clinging to the past. It is now time for me to let go, and to become a strong man. I will man up and take responsibility for my life. I will become the man I'm suppose to be. I will be strong and humble. I will not be ashamed any longer to address these issues. I've waited long enough.

I guess i've learned what this really means now. I have to apologize to a member on this forum for disagreeing. I didn't understand it's importance till now. You have to fake this until you make it happen. It's stupid sounding, but yeah it's now understood by me. You have to make forth an effort to keep going even in when you can't truly get it. You have to actually do and go out and try before you ask questions of quit on something. Faking it till you make it is doing things for your self, and I have not been doing that much lately. It's time for me to start doing it more often.

I was feeling really optimistic about this night. I felt it may be the night to break a long night of silence for me, but it wasn't. I will go into details in a few, but first I will establish what I did do right tonigh. I danced with about 6-8 girls tonight. This is compared to the one girl I danced with at my first party. Seeing as this is only my second party I feel about it. At first it was kinda nerve recking, all these girls were in their groups, it was hard for me to break open sets easily. It was actually easy for me to be social. I think the hardest part was for me to escalate with the girls. Several times I wanted to give up and go home, but I didn't, I stayed and endured. I still opened about 4 or 5 sets. This wasn't enough to ensure that I would be in god mode however.

During the middle of the party I finally started to just dance by my self, I figured it would be fun if I still had fun by my self. I took a girl's advice and danced by my self. Finally I started to dance near a few groups of girls. The first couple of times they went away. This was no big deal, I was determined to leave this party with at least some experience. I went around not looking like a sop for my self and keep dancing. I went back to a base group I used as sort of a safe spot for me whenever I got a bit frustrated. Two guys, and two girls. I tried to escalate with one, and she said no thnx. I keep going despite resistance, and finally she just took my hands off her body. That was fine with me. I went around the back and talked to a girl. She gave me the maybe later thing. I think I let her escape and said, "Im just lookin' for conversation," I gave her an out.

Near the end of the party I was undeterred, I was going to stay all night if I had to, to try and pull someone out of the party. Finally I just bust loose and danced on the wall, and while that happened, a group of black girls finally approached. They jumped all around me, and grinded me all the way to wisconsin. It was great, my sexual kino was up there. One of them even directed my hand to her sweet spot. I started to rub and pinch a bit, but then the song went off and another one came on. I keep trying to grind on her, but she was out. I danced with her friend too. This lead to some momentum, and I danced with the Mexican girls right near me. I danced with about 4 girls in the group, at the end of one interaction I gave her a kiss on the cheek. The worse part was that she was eyeing me, and I was not able to see that then. Oh well.

Finally, I began to actually project some good energy. I was still fearful, and one of the things I needed to work on was my fear. Fear held me back, but at any rate, I did one good thing. I was SOCIAL tonight, I didn't just stay in the corner and say nothing. I did have fun, and I learned alot. For me it was a positive experience. However, the worst part of it was that the cops broke up the party. I was forced to find an alternative route to my car, which I spent nearly an hour trying to find in the freezing Chicago cold. All the girls left once the cops sprayed pepper spray into the basement. Girlfriends would drag their other girlfriends away. I was talking to a girl in an olive green shirt. She was also dragged away. It was over... I drove home and wrote this.

Bottomline?? I think one thing I've learned is that I need to practice more and get over my fear. It's holding me back. Need to work on my escalation skills. Need to be a bit better with conversation, though I made conversations, they weren't all that great. Try to have more fun then I did, and loosen up early. I did things all day to be ok at this party, and in the end it helped, but it still didn't get me to go towards my fears. It's time to step up to the plate and do more things that feel uncomforitble. Will have some more conversations for sure though. Made a few friends even.

I am now convinced that I have the emotional maturity of a 3 year old. I am too serious all the time, destructive in my habits and nature. I'm a threat to my damn self. My fuckedupness just doesn't stop at all. I get teary eyed when ppl just play around with me, I take comments to serious. I withdraw from ppl when I become frustrated. Can't have fun at all. I can't have a clear mind and think straight. The only thing I can focus on are my ruthless ambitions, and even those slip away from me. I need to take this negative energy and put it into my ambitions. I just think that pua may not be for me, my real problem with women is that I'm just plain crazy, and they all can see it. They can see my emotional instability. I am a monster, I will no longer run away from the truth, only accept it as it is. I think the most important thing PUA has helped me to, is to identify my self and my problems. At least I know now, I think it's time I hang up this alfa act, and just tolerate who I really am.

I just realized something that is the truth, my interactions with people suck in geneeral. Not just women, I've been lying to my self long enough. My interactions even with other men suck. I just suck at being social and being able to conversate. Man, this is just....

Cool. Now, what are you going to do about it? Cry in a corner or rise to the occasion?

Fantastic I haven't read the entire last page but I see you're working on improving yourself I'm taking the same path I really really want to improve myself as a whole.

Hopefully you get it all worked out, and I tried some older women to bro they're not very receptive lol. Two 30 year olds I tried one froze up and started stuttering the other had a massive b!tch shield and honestly acted as if I was some axe murderer.
I was WAY more successful with females my age.
Could just be that they detect we're younger and inexperienced or more to it lol.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I've been bringing a stinky attitude to this forum, and I apologize to those who had to be on the receiving end of that. I'll just be quiet about this garbage. As far as answering chief's question, I'm taking a break from ppl period. Idk how to make conversations, I've been trying a long time, probably not hard enough, but whatever. I'm really no pua, never was, doubt if I will be. I respect guyz who can do their thing though. As for me, the whole out going thing and being good with women, it isn't for me.

You see, being fucked up prevents me from even having the slightest normal conversation. It's usually not when I have to have a nice talk that fucks me over, but when challenges come my way from men or women. I feel challenged and threatened, feel like knocking ppl out, and I just know that shit isn't normal. I need to be checked out, there is no way I can do this stuff on my own anymore. I need someone to analyze my fucked up, dark brain. I get easily offended, and whenever someone bad talks me I am highly angry and upset. My eyes get all teary eyed, guyz on here can bash me as much as they want, but I'm no good at this stuff. And the guyz who do good for the most part are sane. My over-sensitivity and innocence is a road block. What I need to do is harden my heart without over doing it. As of this point my heart's been an open matchbox for everyone to start a fire in it. Maybe I was too kind and nice before. I needed to lessen the amount of emotions I have and just be a more vigulent less trusting person. All that bad boy playful making fun of ppl and laughing because of it doesn't work for me. I've tried, I'm not good at taking things easy. My come backs are long and hideous. I'm best when I work alone by my self.

So, to make things simple, my emotional instability is a MASSIVE road block to my gaming. And no amount of self help can fix it, it's time to go to see a professional.

Ok, I'm rational enough to get back to work, and become more positive again. Sorry guyz, sometimes I have my man period every 20-40 days. Can't help it sometimes. It just comes out, it's usually triggered by an event that makes me feel kinda week, a few days ago at school, while I was in the student government office, someone made a comment. I called him a boy because he felt like he could change a woman from who she was on the inside. I called him and the other guys boys. He then responded, "you callin' me a boy, you just got through sucking your mama's titty nipple yesterday." I felt like an idiot because I can't just have fun and make fun of him back. I need to work on that skill, but I seriously don't know how to do that. And I'm afraid that if I ask for training ppl are gonna take it overboard and get me pissed off. So I've been hiding from ppl and hardening my heart outta shame and digust with my self and my weakness. Then I realized all the crappy interactions I had with ppl. It was enough to make me wanna quit, but instead I just isolated my self from ppl for today. It was a good feeling. Now that I have become a bit more rational, I can settle down and anaylze what I did wrong.

I know this is the wrong way to analyze things, but how do you make better comebacks?? Maybe I haven't tried enough, but I don't want the only place that I sarge is to be on my campus. I go to a junior college, so it's alot like highschool. I wanna be cautious because one move can end it for you. Unforutnately there are really only like 3000 kids who know each other. The rest of the ppl are either old or out of the loop. That's why I'm not too keen about hardcore sarging on campus anymore.