Hi everyone,

Sorry in advance for the lengthy message.

This is my first post. I have been a lurker for awhile now but have run into an issue that I need someone else to assess. In my opinion, my situation is kind of different from what you'd typically run into, which is why I really can't make out what to do on my own.

So let's start with some background information on a girl I'm interested in: a month or so ago, she broke up with her boyfriend, and a week later he committed suicide. Awful, right? I have had a few classes with her in the past but we didn't really talk much until now. But despite that, I got in touch with her and let her know that if she needed anything at all, I would be there for her. She was very appreciative and opened up a bit on the situation and let me into her emotional life for a bit to tell me how she was feeling. I had no other motive than to be there for her and help her through this issue. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to go through that, so please note that my intentions are good. I'm not using this as some cheap way to try to get laid or whatever.

Last week, I took her to lunch. Everything went well; body language was great, she was very interested in our conversation, and I got her to laugh a bit. She ended up giving me her number and we've been texting a little, but nothing much past that. Occasionally, if I see her on campus, I'll approach her and we'll talk a bit. When we talk face to face, she makes direct eye contact and is very easy to talk to. When we text, her messages are sometimes so long that her phone breaks them up into 2-3 individual texts. The problem? I am always the one who has to initiate the conversation. Always.

Then, the inevitable happened: I developed feelings for her. I want to be there for her through her current problem and then some. I realize this is really poor timing on my part since she obviously won't want a boyfriend or anything like that for awhile until she gets over this whole situation, but I am willing to invest as much time as needed. A lot of people might find this idea ridiculous, but I don't care.

After the whole lunch thing, I noticed she will no longer look at me in class. It's almost like she is afraid to look in my general direction. I can't tell if she is trying to tell me to fuck off, or if she suddenly developed feelings for me and is now a bit shy. I know for a fact she had a great time with lunch and I didn't blow anything - her body language said it all.

So, yesterday, I decided to pull the trigger and asked her to go on a double date. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hey, I just talked to Rob. He, his girlfriend and myself are going to the horse races next Friday night and I was wondering if you wanted to come along.

Her: That would be so much fun! But I'm going camping with some girlfriends...maybe some other time? [Editor's note: that would fucking suck to go camping in 10 degree weather. But despite that, I have confirmed that she isn't lying.]

Me: Camping - sounds fun! I'll let you know if we go again.

Now, here's the problem: given the semi-mixed signals I have described above, I cannot figure out if she is politely telling me to stay away, or if there is some other underlying message. One final thing to note is that she is unbelievably nice and polite - that's why it is so hard for me to understand what she is feeling. It's hard to tell if she is just talking to me and going out to lunch out of courtesy, or if she really does have some interest.

My question is: what do I do now? Should I wait a few days and ask her to do something a little less stringent, such as another lunch date? Should I keep up the occasional texting to let her know I'm still there? And finally, how would you assess her actions toward me? It's a tricky situation due to the emotional trauma she suffered.

Sorry if this post is a bit long. I know the information might seem a bit scattered, but there are so many minor details that need to be accounted for, it was kind of hard to organize. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read the whole thing - I appreciate it.

Dude, I'll help you as much as I can but you should really consider theong term consequences of dealing with this situation... I doubt you will follow through if you can get past you're emotions an actually see what's happening here

First off- She feels really really really fucking guilty right now. I'm talking guilt you can imagine. As a chick she feels completely responsible for the death of this guy. Meaning she will be full of fear of putting another guy in jeopardy of the same fate. She feels like a murderer an feels like she can't be trusted with the emotions of another. She fears breaking up with another guy which means she fears being with another guy, because she will be forced into staying with him. As you know a forced relationship is Doomed to failure. This is some Tom cruise shit but ill give you a list of steps of what it would take

Step 1

Figure out what you goal is with this girl. What do you want with her an why? Put serious thought into it. I'd recommend speaking to yourself outloud in front of a mirror to do this.

Step 2: Now set your sights way far beyond what ever it is you want. For example: if you want to be her BF. Set your sights on marrying her having 6 kids an touring the world together having a great time until death. You copy? Set them further than that. Figure out what is ethically impossible an aim for that.

Step 3: you must NEVER EVER EVER EVER discuss that suicide situation EVER AGAIN. You ready messed up by discussing it with her at all. You don't wanna be a girls emotional outlet( that's what friends are for). You want the girl to feel the great emotions and highs that make them forget about everything else in thier life.

I'd suggest you just let it go, she already sees you as the guy who helped her get over that suicide situation therefore you will always remind her of this. If you really want her that bad you can in fact have her but you will be waiting awhile. In which plenty of amazing chicks will be passing you by.

Glad I can help

And next time apologize for the lenth in the beginning. More people will read it that way.

Stay up^

Fuze

Thanks a lot for the reply. I figured the first response I'd get would be "get out, fast" but I have already made up my mind that I won't do that. I appreciate the points you made though, and I think you definitely helped me wrap my brain around the situation a little more. Thanks again.

If anyone else would like to chime in, I'd definitely appreciate it.

Do you mind me asking...

What is it you want with this girl?

And why?

What do I want with her? To answer that question at face value, simply a relationship. Not a relationship that came from being the confident guy who swept her off her feet with a few canned one-liners, but a relationship founded on my willingness to be there for her through this challenging time in her life and seeing her through to the end.

Why? I think some of the attraction comes from the unconventional challenge of acting as a cushion to soften the blow that she is going through while still trying to spark romantic interest. Some people would claim that it can't possibly work, and I feel like it would be really rewarding to overcome that challenge. If it works out, it would be one hell of a strong relationship for that reason. Of course, that's not even the half of it. There is always the physical attraction, her unique personality, intelligence, etc. There's even some parts of the attraction that I can't define yet.

Alright man good luck to you.. It is possible

It's just that you sound like the guys who feel like overtly being there for a women works an end up just being a friend you know. You can't be someones cushion an expect them to do anymore than thank you for it.

A women must feel like you can lead her away from all this, not just sit, listen an soak it up. That what friends an family are for. She seeks something different in a potential mate.

The wrong key will never open the right door. Sometimes you need a new key. The key is you method of winning her love, an that key is surely not gonna fit in her door. I have to be real with you. I care for all you community guys. I encourage you to take my advice. I've been here before.

Fuze

Well, in the meantime, what kinds of things should I be saying to her? How often should I make an effort to talk to her or text her?

Also, I am thinking about asking her out on another double date sometime next week since she couldn't make it last time I asked. Good idea or not?