I see a lot of topics about "how to get rid of oneitis?" or "okay, there is this special girl" in the general questions department. Instead of giving a short answer which actualy doesn't realy help, I thought of making a major topic about curing oneitis.
Sometimes in life, we often meet a girl you have a special thing for and who you admire. While admiring persons is not a wrong thing, some people tend to make that person divine. If it's someone from the opposite sexe, you create a feeling of adoration and love so big that you can't think of anybody else but her. She is perfect, and you have oneitis.
We desire strongly the person for whom we have a oneitis. Often people posts in the forum that she is so special and that he realy wants her and don't know what to do.
What the person don't know is that he already said the answer: he wants her too much. He has become needy, insecure and confused. Three desastrous elements in pick up. No girl ever wants a guy who is needy, insecure and confused.
And that's why you have to strongly understand that, if you would ever want a chance with her, you have to get over your oneitis and break contact with her.
Getting over a oneitis is not easy, but it always get cured by time, simply due to the fact that love is a hormone which can get empty. Unfortunately, this might take very long and I would never wish anyone the pain of having a oneitis, so I will give you advice, the rest you got to do yourself.
Oneitis is a sort of obsession or addiction. Often people with oneitis are addicted to the feeling of love or their oneitis hormones, and that's why it's damn hard to get over some girls.
When you red the word "addiction", there was probably a bell ringing. Yes that's right! You hear the word "addiction" a lot when learning about drugs and alcohol. And guess what? Getting over oneitis is similar as getting over a drugs or alcohol addiction.
First of all, you got to question yourself about this oneitis, and you got to get to the core of the problem.
- Why do I like this girl so much?
- Why did I allow myself to have oneitis/ such a huge crush on her?
- Why should she be any different of other girls?
Often, oneitis occurs when you are confused or when you have a confidence issue and low inner game. You will never see a player getting oneitis of girls he easily got. Yet, when the player meets an equal, that means a very hot, intelligent pushpull girl with whom the player flirts, but who seems very hard to get, the player might get obsessed by the girl because he never had this experience before and is very confused.
Chances are thus big that you have oneitis over this girl because she seems perfect and she is very hard to reach and you are confused. If you had a lot of confidence or a high self esteem, you wouldn´t think of her as perfect. You wouldn´t put her way above yourself. Because that´s what oneitis often actualy is: putting her above you.
Now you might think: “so now I just got to game as many girls, so that I will be the confident player who doesn’t need her anymore.”
This is quite comparable to what many other people say: “just get over her and fuck other girls”. But before you get over enthusiastic by the idea, I say “STOP!”. Because this is horribly wrong and one of the most overlooked aspects of the game.
This is where many men go wrong. This is where you possibly sometimes go wrong. This is where I even sometimes go wrong.
And this is: you NEVER should look validiation in pick up by other women. Or in other words: you should never look for women to make you feel good about yourself.
Because this makes you needy and insecure, with the consequence of having bad game, and thus getting an even lower self esteem.
In fact, it’s you who should be able, have the power, to make other people feel good (by themself), and you can do this by being confident.
But before you start building up confidence, there are still some other things you should question yourself:
- Why is this oneitis bad?
- Why should I get over it?
- Of what let this oneitis keeps me from doing?
And finally, if you have thought about and awnsered all these questions, we can finally get to the questions:
- How can I get over her?
Now we’re coming closer to our goal.
First of all, before building up confidence, there are some other things you should do.
- If you are confused, being obsessed by the question “does she like me or not?” makes it sometimes even harder to get over her. So first of all, GET RID OF THE CONFUSION. You can do this simply by meeting her and make your move, so that your intentions are clear. If you are pretty advanced in the game, this can mean that you two sit on a bench and you take her hand and try to kiss her for example. If you’re more of the AFC type this means that you should find a time where you can speak her personally and that you declare your feelings for her. This may be hard. If she feels the same then good. But in 95% of the cases of oneitis, you get (politely) rejected. This can be painfull at first, but now you know the truth and you know that you don’t have to work for it anymore. If you feel angered by this, your angry feelings might result in hating her (because love and hate are very close. It’s true! It’s the same part of the brains who triggers these two emotions). This might seem bad at first, but when you’re not angry anymore, often your oneitis is over. Angry or not, by knowing the truth you now finally can aknowledge that you can leave this chapter behind and that it’s time for a new one.
- If the answer of the question “does she like me or not?” is already clear to you or if doesn’t matter to you, then you can skip the first one and go directly to the second phase, which is: REMOVE EVERYTHING THAT REMINDS YOU OF HER. This includes a wide range of things from deleting all her text messages, deleting pictures of her on your mobile phone, removing her from facebook if you have to, deleting her phone number, ... to breaking all the (personal) contact with her.
- Now the only thing which can remind you of her is your mind and its memories. The best thing to do when you don’t want to keep on thinking of her, is by doing things which costs you a lot of concentration so that you can’t focus on your evil thoughts of her. When girls have a break up just behind their back and they’re still not over it, the typical scene is that they go out shopping with their friends, have a girls night looking to teen movies or baking cake, and they go out partying a lot. For guys it’s just the same. Go play football with your friends, or play Fifa 2010 on the playstation with friends, buy new cool clothes, go out drinking some beers in a bar while playing pool, just with the bro’s. It’s important that you have a lot of friends around you in that period. If your friends know about your oneitis, tell them that you try to get over her and that they may slap you in the face everytime you talk about her. This is also an effective way of getting over her.
- And finaly, we come to the point of getting confidence. The only truth behind the line “get over her and fuck other girls” is that it also means “dude grow some balls and become a man! Men don’t whine over girls”.
So how do you get confidence and get balls? Well, there are many topics here and books about building confidence. Basicly it’s an attitude change. I repeat again, let confidence not be dependable on the amount of succes you have, instead, let confidence be dependable on your abilities to be better, to change, your ambition. AND YOU CAN CHANGE, YOU HAVE THE ABILITY. Everyone has. But you shouyld also have the wilingness. Try to get good at something. Learn playing guitare, learn much about music, learn play football, and most of all, learn game and about women. If you’re not good at the beginning, it’s fine, we were all there once. You should just be willing to go further and to don’t give up. For example, if you try to seduce women, and you get rejected, then it’s not a faillure. It’s feedback for doing better next time. It’s only a faillure a faillure of you give up and if you’re not willing to change yourself and your believes for being more succesfull. This attitude and taking risks, will get you confident.
Confidence will not only help you getting girls, but it helps you alsp of never getting oneitis again.
Quote:
I'm blown away by the link you sent me. Thanks so much. There is just one problem to it all and that is that I am gonna have to see her everyday. She hangs out with my social group which contains some of the best friends I ever have currently. I don't wanna cut ties with them. There has to be a way where I can get over her and still be around her. Should I just tell her how I feel? I feel that might be a bit weird and uncomfortable.
I think the answer is already in your post: you're too dependable on her and her friends. So the easiest thing to say is: find new friends to hang around with so that you don't have to be with her everytime.
But again, I understand that it is easier said then done.
Of what I read, I have the impression that you're still in high school, am I right? Otherwise you wouldn't see her everyday. Telling her that you like her is a big social risk there, because girls talk. But as you might know, life is full of risks, and sometimes to you have to take risks to get there.
So go to her, make a move or declare your feelings. If she says the four most destructive words known to men "Let's just be friends", then say her politely that you can't live with that. Because for you, it's everything or nothing. Say her that you always want to be number one and you can't live thus as a number two, and that you are going to take distance from her. You feel nothing for just being friends.
You know what the good thing is about this? It means that YOU ARE IN CONTROL! Not her, but you. And that's what a man defines: a man should always be in control. It's you who have the choice, and who makes the decision. And if you do so, it shows her that you have a lot of balls. And coincidently, Women LOVE balls.
Chances exists that she will be trying to get you back. She will try to win you over again. But be cautious. Only allow her back in your life if she wants you in a relationship. If she tries to win you over to be her best friend again, then be hard and don't accept it.
If you take distance from her, then just have a lot of good time with your bro's. You should have at least a few bro's who are neutral in this situation and with whom you can do fun things. If your friends are as good as you described, they will understand that you're taking distance from her and will continue support you. Flirt with also more different women. You will see then that she actualy is not as special as you first thought. And if you are having fun and if you are flirting with different girls, she will notice.
So this was my post about curing oneitis. Tell me what you think of it, any constructive critics, questions or things you want to add are welcome. But most of all, I hope it helps
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CHAT
