Help Please. I need advice ASAP. Sorry for the length but I need to know if this is a dealbreaker.

I have been dating this HB8 for about a year now. We have been living together about two months now becuase I invited her to move in to my place. She works in the bartending/club industry where there is alot of flirting going on in my exp.

After I got back from a business trip for 3 days, we went out for dinner one night. Whenever I leave for any trips, she complains about feeling lonely and this time she invited her girlfriend to stay over one night.

I noticed at dinner one night after i returned from the trip, she seemed awkward and secretive about her phone at the dinner table, trying to hide her texts etc.

Next morning, while she was showering, she left her phone open so I decided to check it, looking for the specific texts she sent at the time I saw her awkward behavior the night before. Her phone indicated that her last texts were between herself and a co-worker I know she thinks is hot. (How do I know? She has told me she think hes beautiful/good-looking and everytime she is looking at facebook at his photos and I walk by, she quickly pretends to be looking at something else or switches the page).'

Her recent texts with the guy seem work-related but none of them had the exact time at night I saw her texting for that dinner. I think she deleted those texts.

Anyways, I decided to look back in time at her texts and I noticed that for the time-frame that I was gone away on the business trip she had these texts with this guy after some work-related very late-night texts.

Co-worker: I am just out with [boss and other co-workers] having some drinks. I am so tired.
Her: You can come over here [our place] if you want? I have another bed in a spare room and wine, vodka.
Co-worker: Do you like to cuddle after drinking? I like to cuddle.
Her: I am married. [ We are not married but I think she was refferring to our relationship. I can not remember what else she texted after saying 'I am married' but it was still very friendly]
Co-worker: I know you are married. But Im a sexual guy.....[Once again, I cant remember what else he wrote but it could have been flirtatious]

At that point, the conversation, just seemed to end for that night. But they carry on texting each other about work as the days go on, sometimes in a very friendly manner, sometimes somewhat flirtatiously. I will say though flirtatiousness is sometimes part of her industry. After talking about these texts with a friend, I decided I will check her phone again the next night to get more specifics but when I checked this time, she erased all the texts between herself and that guy. (She didnt erase the text history of everyone in the phone, just him and that co-worker).

Did she cheat that night? I really dont know for certain. He could have stayed at my place and if he did, I think undoubtely something would have happened. I dont know if he did. From the texts and her behavior, I dont really think so.

Why? This same week, while I was gone she sent me plenty of miss you/love you type texts all the time, as usual. And I do think (at least at this stage of our relationship), its unlikely she cheated or would. She acts like a woman in deep love with me. So, naively perhaps, I think she is too into me. Also, in my exp., when a gf cheats, her behavior is usually different immediately after. My gf was exactly the same when I returned except this weird behavior a couple nights later. We also had the same consistent sex per usual etc.

Nevertheless, I find this behavior completely unacceptable.

Its a very long complicated story but I have been through a milder sort of thing about this before one time when she got extremely drunk/passed out and I noticed she had been baiting her ex-boyfriend to call her a bunch of times at 4am in the morning. Her phone was ringing non-stop so I couldnt even help to look at who it was. She was passed out and the phone was ringing non-stop. After this incident, I told her she needs to cut any inappropriate contact with ex-boyfriends and she has seemingly cut that out (as far as I can tell).

Now, I know I could get a slew of responses now that are in the vain of "dude, stop checking her phone and being insecure/jealous". I checked her phone 6 months ago and saw some questionable texts from some of her exes and I believe I posted this stuff on here and got responses like that, which is fine. I agree that jealous behavior is not good. And since then, I made a concerted effort and refrained from checking her phone and cooled off. But this time, the whole reason I did, is because intuition told me she was anxious/acting weird about her phone and holding it as if she was waiting for a boyfriend to text her and hiding her responses. Its just an intuitive thing because I know her and she was acting weird. I found her behavior shady so I checked.

I just dont think I can tolerate a girl with this need to constantly flirt with other men and give propositions like that. Esp. when I know she can be incoherent and crazy when she gets drunk. She can get drunk to the point where she doesnt even remember what she did the night before.

The flirtatiousness with men is a pattern I have noticed about her and I feel she has now crossed the line. Opinions ? Thoughts?

You probably expected this but here we go...

The situation:

1. She may or may not have cheated on you. You don't know this and you don't have any evidence.
2. You check her phone and you're being overly suspicious.
3. You've come to the point where you want to break up with her.

Look at the situation. Who is the one with trust issues? Who is the one who's actually endangering the relationship?

That's right.

You need to stop this, right away. You wonder if you should break up with her? Ok, let's say you will.

"Hey babe, I was going through your phone and I suspect you possibly deleted some possible suspicious texts with the possibility of you cheating on me. I'm breaking it off."

Sure, go ahead. Tell her.

But if you want my advice - you need to TRUST her and STOP going through her personal stuff. Until the day the REAL evidence appears - you live your life and be happy with her.

If you can't handle this, then yes - break up with her. But some day, you will be forced to learn this lesson if you wish to keep a woman in your life.

LittlePanda - Let me first say I greatly appreciate your advice and perspective.
I take your opinion seriously. I might seem arguementive but this is not my intention - I am simply trying to get to the bottom of your thoughts.

Now, yes, you are right..I suspected I would get put in my place for acting suspicious..Its def not alpha and does nothing to increase my value from a gaming perspective....Ive been burnt a couple times, I dont want to get burnt again......I got burnt/cheated on becuase in my opinion, I am exactly what you describe - very trusting. Christ....Ive had a gf who used to have an ex-boyfriend who sometimes did sleepovers. No big deal (I knew the guy and never even treated it as anything).

But at the end of the day, Im looking for a quality girl here for anything long-term. If she is not quality, why waste my time, I can have plenty of other chicks.
When I think of my friends with quality women, there chicks would never dream of engaging in that behavior (and its not because my friends are more trusting etc.) its becuase these chicks are just truly, not the type.

I just cant reconcile that a quality girl is going to be inviting a co-worker I know she is attracted to, over to (what is essentially) my place when Im gone at night for vodka and wine with the intent of sleeping over at like 1am. What does she suspect will happen? Of course, he will try to put moves on her (I mean, he almost blatantly admitted this). Like I said, when she gets drunk she is an incoherent mess. Clearly, she was also drinking. She, in fact, has a bit of a drinking problem but thats another story. But to make a point, I have literally had to carry her home on a few occasions, carry her to the restroom etc.. I mean, She blacks out BAD. On top of it, I dont know this guy at all. Ive heard about him but shes never introduced me to him.

Do I think she cheated? To be honest, I doubt it. My impression and friends that i discuss this with have the impression that she loves me off and she'd do anything for me etc. Our arguement put her in wreck, she cries endlessly/goes crazy.

But I have to think, lets say I go even longer term with this girl, what if we have rough times? Who is she going to be inviting over my place? Who knows? I mean, who knows.

You are saying I should ignore this becuase I discovered this under the pretense of being overly-suspicious. But I do trust my intution. With her, it has never been wrong, everytime I have suspected "shady" behavior, I have discovered "shady" behavior. No, she has not cheated but she lies and covers up her inappropriate flirting with other.

Maybe we have different beliefs. I understand the line of thinking that if you distrust someone you put in motion the cogs which destroy the relationship. At the same time, one also can not be naive. So there is a balance. In my opinion, the more open a chick is to other guys (i.e. willing to take their number, let them by her drinks, let her dance with them etc.) the more likely she will stray. In my exp., the women who are the most standoffish to other men, cheat the least. Thats been my personal experience.

I have had perhaps 4 serious girlfriends in my life. Ive never thought of being suspicious with anyone of them (except one who was cheating), but with this chick I have. Why? Its her behavior and my intuition guiding me here.

Now, say what you will - Im understand you might feel I am paranoid/jealous/trust issues etc. I am sorry, I do not feel I do. I have never prevented her from partying with her friends, going anywhere she wants. She flirts with guys regularily, Ive never brought it up and had issues with it, just not with exbfs.

Also, I have a history here to contend with.

(a) Early in our relationship, I saw her getting a guy's number behind my back when I wasnt looking. She admitted this but played it off as a promotions thing (which may be true)

(b) She has lied to me on several occasion before and she is quite secretive. For instance, She lies about claiming to be not using coke one night when she actually was. I knew she was doing blow becuase I could tell by her behavior and then, I found some in my bathroom (busted).

What you just explained to me makes a whole lot more sense - BUT, I still stand by what I said earlier (about not going through her personal stuff).

After reading your second reply, I give you my new conclusion:

She's got issues and you should dump her. She's lied to you before, she's on drugs, she has certain "blackouts" when she's drunk, she invites co-workers to sleep at your house, she gives her number away to other guys that she just met, etc etc....

That's the image you gave me of her. And if that's true - it is seriously time to move on. People don't just change (especially not for someone else) - and it's a waste of time trying to change them.

Been there, done that. Several times. It's a dead end.

She's looking for validation and approval from other people and most importantly - she feeds on attention. Do you know how easy it is to get laid with a chick that's an attention whore? Don't let me get started on that one. She is very capable of cheating on you indeed (if not already done so). You are nothing but her safety-line. She knows she got you at all times. She takes you for granted and that's the way she "loves" you. You're there for her, you take care of her. But she doesn't settle with the attention of a single individual.

That's how I see it.

There's a lot to be said for intuition, if you're not the jealous type as you claim. If you are jealous then obviously there are ways of fixing that, however I feel that the jealous or suspicious behaviour isn't the most important factor here, simply because that in your suspicion you stumbled across some behaviour that is totally unacceptable.

From how you write I think you understand already what the best action to take is, I'd say that inviting that guy to your place is a huge red flag and a deal breaker in itself. Chances are she'll do it again next time you're away on business at which point she's liable to cheat.

Personally I'd recommend breaking up with her, as you say yourself there are plenty of girls who would not engage in such behaviour, you're more likely to have a smoother future with one of them!

Also I've just had a thought, obviously unwarranted jealous/suspicious behaviour has a negative impact upon the relationship, however if a person is behaving suspiciously surely the logical action is to investigate the source of this behaviour in order to get to the crux of the matter.

my opinion is coming from a guy that used to be super jealous and generally still am but have worked on it a lot and gotten a lot better. I've also had serious relationships, suspicions and lived with a gf for over 2 yrs....

that being said... i dont believe in the.. "if u think someone is cheating they probably are" because i always think ppl are cheating with no evidence lol.. im terrible like that..

but i also have rules with my gf's.. the main one is "whatever you want me to do.. you have to do the same if i agree to it"

as in... "no talking to ex gf's....." then no talking to ex bf's etc..

and this is usually a big one and i USUALLY follow it...

therefore....if she invited a guy over to your place while you were away and yes VERY obv. she was horned up and very obv this guy woulda pounded knowing its commitment free good time....

DROP her... definitely. she will cheat on u. what panda said is pretty good.

she gives her num out to ppl while with u..... BAD... VERY BAD. fake numbers fine to be polite... my gf is a hostess at a higher end restaruant known for having beautiful staff and high prices... she HAS to talk to people and be friendly as her job. she gets hit on a lot.. sometimes it gets to me but not really... guys give her their cards nightly.... she throws them out in the back or if sh forgets to she gives them to me after work.....oshe also wears a silver rign i gave her and a family ring with diamonds on it and tells ppl shes married....or engaged.. so.. id expect THAT from a chick youre living with

she def wants attention and neeeds it.

some girls just get stupid when drunk.... and do things they dont care about or remember but regret the next day and are sorry.. this is also unacceptable...


i know its tough and its not what you want to hear but you need to move on... and get her out asap.... thats NOT kewl.... and telling you shes lonely randomly is like her justifying it before she does it and then sharing the blame with you for being away.. NOT right..


side note: if you suspect something i think you should investigate... but not to a point where its affecting your attitude if ur not finding things and u get addicted to checking...

deleted messages though to one person.... shes gone.....


i wouldnt necessarily confront her on it or even get angry... i would tell her it isnt working and you arent happy (cuz youre not and youre getting paranoid and most importantly you do technically have evidence of bad gf) and break up. confrontation will lead to lotsa tears, shouting, excuses, compromise, you will feel bad you will probably take her back and redo this again in a month.... you WILL get the violation of privacy speeech from her to deflect.. etc....she will beg and say she'll work on it as panda said... its tough to lose a safety line.....


sorry man.. when yo know its gotta go.. but you have feelings. its REALLY hard on you..

good luck.... depending on your sex life.... you can potentially keep her around as a play friend.... if YOU can handle that.... open and have her open to hang out when you want too.... ive done this.. it works SOMETIMES sometimes she freaks out.. but it also means seeing her and if shes over to play no fukn touching her phone.

Everyone all your feedback is very appreciated.

You guys have given great advice and I do think I will have to break up with her this Saturday.

There is only one little remaining possibility which may make me consider this whole situation a little differently. I just realized that the very night she invited him over may have been the same night she had her gf over. If this is the case, its still unacceptable to me and warrants a serious discussion,but it wouldnt be AS bad becuase her gf is my friend also and does not drink. The chick has my back.

The problem with trying to explain relationships is context and history makes it so hard to explain everything, perfect accurately.

I hate to sound like Im waffling now you guys might get the impression that Im too confused....but I feel I may have inadvertantly swung you guys way far the other way now, painting her as drug crazed alcoholic.

While alot of what is being said is sort of true...just to clear it up...she does not use coke regularily....she did it a couple times...I can always tell when she does....When I told her to quit though, she did though and far as I know (I sleep with her every night) she hasnt touched it for 5 months or so.

By alcoholic, I mean, she drinks kind of like what might be called "European" but to me, it is too much. She has two-three glasses of wine, with dinner every night. She never goes without it which makes me think alcoholic. (She has told me she going to quit drinking in September). At least 8 times, she has gotten krazy stammering black-out drunk, which I find dangerous - she completely incoherent. I may have left the impression she does this every night. Its more like once a month....

Chester716 - My gf skooping that number was a serious problem and when it happened I threatened to never see her again. After a long talk about it, I do sort of think it could have been a misunderstanding. We were just seeing each other at the time and I flipped out but she did have a legitimate excuse. she worked promotions for clubs at the time and anyone she met at bars/clubs she would take their numbers and add to her list for group texts etc. I did find it rather coincedental though that she did it when I walked away. But realistically, the guy she gave the number to was not really a threat to me. How can I explain this. I know which guys she might go for and he wasnt one of them. At the time, she was free to date whoever. We werent official. But the guy didnt strike me as competition. For instance, he was much shorter/smaller than her and I know the guys she likes, they are all, around her height (5 9") or above with a different kind-of-look...Anyways, this incident is still something I just never feel 100% cool about either way...I found it sort of shady

I really hate to back-pedal like that but just dont want to give the false impression she is completely out of control. I mean, amongst her friends she is actually known for quite the opposite. She is the responsible one despite some of this ridiculous behavior on occassion. I know that must sound nuts now.

Anyways, all that being said, I agree with much of the comments here. Even the bits about jealousy and overly-suspicious. I struggle to balance this and use my intuition but it can be difficult especially if you have been burnt a few times.

I have to trust my intuition and I do think she loves male attention (she has even admitted this to me). Call me naive but I do not think she would consiously cheat or did cheat (just my intuition here). But I still say, why should I put up with someone who does stuff like this? Id rather be with a girl who puts up a stronger guard against males and doesnt flirt so much, invite them over etc. Couple this with her drinking habits, it just seems like a dangerous combination.


Anyways, I guess its like this..... if she was alone that night, it is definate dealbreaker. I will have to break up with her. I agree with all the comments. Im not sure what to do if her friend was at my place because that changes it a little. I still think it was unacceptable, just different. I guess I just want a very legitimate reason to break up/dont wanna be wrong becuase this girl is gonna have a heart-attack when it happens. She think everything is great etc. I will keep you all posted and let you know what happens this weekend in case you care.

All your thoughts have been great.

well i think youre trying to cling.....

if she didnt live iwth you id say keep her around and see other girls anyway...

but i dont think we (at least me) doesnt think shes wild or out of control at all..

I think she gets drunk from time to time and has black outs... even if she does this once a month and fks a dude ever third month and forgets about it and feels really bad about it the next morning....cuz she loves you.. is this ok?? if so.. enjoy...

also.... if the texts didnt mention "my friend and i are here.. then.... her friend probably wasnt there... and if she was and she deliberately left her out it was for a reason.. also consider that her friend was there earlier..... maybe she was drinking and got a lil buzzed while hr friend was there and her gf went home and she was bored...?


i dont know... but im pretty sure i hav the same impression of her that you do and you are trying to get across.......i dont think shes an alcoholic.. or at least just a mild one. but the black outs isnt kewl.. and drugs anytime def arent....

your girl your life your call

good luck.

its a good point here. thanks. Ill consider this

Dude, you have every right to be suspiscious of her. Her track record speaks for itself.

You are just reacting in a normal way. When someone has an emotional investment in someone, jealousy is used to protect that pairbond. She may not have actually fucked the other guy, but your subconscious can't tell the difference.

It all stems back to the fact that women know 100% that their offspring is theirs. Men on the other hand don't have that certainty. I know this logically doesn't apply to your situation, but these are the roots of jealousy and untrusting.

Good luck man!