Hello everybody,
I’m a longtime “natural-gamer” who found out about PUA from a friend who it worked wonders for. While I’ve always gotten by pretty well on my own, my friend’s used what he’s learned to help me identify “holes” in my “game” that I was unaware of. It’s made life a lot easier. At least when I’m single.
So here’s the deal. I’ve been on and off with a girl for years. Everytime we took a broke-up it was my decision, and I enjoyed my time off. She never really did (for the first couple of years I was in a big college town, she was living at home with her ‘rents). She was definitely the “clingy-one.”
Fast-forward to last year and I’ve moved to a new town for my first real job while she’s back in the big-college town (forty-five minute drive). She starts making new friends, who for the first time don’t seem too impressed by me, and starts hanging out with other guys who are new and exciting, etc, etc. Bored and alone in my new town, I quickly turn into an AFC and she breaks it off with me. It takes me three months to get her back, all the time acting like an AFC, and as a result our relationship since then has never been as solid as it once was (and I had become clingy, jealous, etc).
Things had been going fairly well though, until the end of this summer when she was going to move to my town and move in with me. She started to get scared about moving away from her friends, being stuck with a guy who she worried would throw random fits of jealousy (although to be fair, she still does this herself) and we argued and argued to the point that we called the whole thing off. It was kind of mutual, but it hurt at first that she was so much more cool with it than me.
At first I was very AFC – begging, pleading – and I think just being around would have gotten her back eventually (there’s a lot of love there, despite it all) but I didn’t want to wait around again and I certainly didn’t want to take us back to last year. She's also VERY STUBBORN when she makes a big decision, and I feel like even if she has her doubts, she won't want to go back on her choice so quickly. So I had a look at stuff like the EX2 system and other PUA advice on the subject and decided to freeze her out and wait for things to fall back into place. I’ve been going out a lot, got more serious about my training for an upcoming marathon, and girls are hitting me up on my Facebook wall, etc.( Just to be clear, I’m not still trying to get her to move in with me, I just want to have a fun, casual relationship (with sex of course) for now and wait to see what the future holds. )
A wrench got thrown in the works, however, when one of our cats (who live with me because she hasn’t found a new place where she can have them yet) got into an accident and had to have a leg taken off. Obviously I had to let her know what was going on and keep her in the loop. I’m not texting her or calling her except for when it’s absolutely necessary (decide which vet to use, etc) but I do feel obligated to answer her questions about what’s going on. Once in a while she’ll throw in a “I miss you,” etc.
So that happened about a week ago, and then this past weekend I went to Chicago for Lollapalooza on assignment for my website. I had been telling people who asked over the past week (her brother called me with his commiserations, a couple of mutual friends I ran into) that the breakup was sad but we were both much happier now. Over Lollapalooza she was texting me constantly, asking slightly jealous questions (“any cute girls in the crowd?,” etc) and I either ignored them or replied in a teasing way when she started asking why I wasn’t responding (“Woah chillout little buddy
Btw I think you’d really like the lobster corndogs they have here” etc). The truth is, even if we were together I wouldn’t really have time to text her all day if I was WORKING at a MUSIC FESTIVAL, but there it is. Also, I hung out with some of her friends (girls) one night after (had some adventures in the city, went back to their place to smoke some grass), and she was texting me constantly because she knew I was with them. Again, I used teasing and subject changing while I answered maybe once for every five texts (which include a lot of “I miss you.” “I wish I was there with you guys.” as well as all the passive aggressive stuff). Later that night I see her Facebook status (I have since hidden her updates from my homepage, I know I should have from the get-go) says “Hmmmm….: -(”
So the day I’m heading back she calls me (should not have answered…) and asks me to swing by her town before I go back. I say I have to get back to the injured cat and need to take care of some stuff before I go back to work in the morning. She hangs up but texts me later saying “someone doesn’t want to hangout with me…” I reply (much later) “We’re both really busy right now. Let’s do it some other time kay? ”
Later on that night (after I’m asleep) she texts me “I’ve been looking at all your old emails to me (from when we first started dating) and I really feel like you don’t feel anything like that anymore.” I don’t get it til the morning, and I reply “I mean we broke up. We’re both really busy. Just ‘cause I’m not checking my phone every five minutes doesn’t mean we’re not friends.” The (instant) reply. “Wow! You’re a dick FYI”
I start to get worried that maybe I’m pushing her away a little TOO hard, so later on I’m shopping and I text her to ask her what kind of cottage cheese I should get (she loves cottage cheese, I hate it but eat it for my workout plan). She replies later on “Random, but large curd” and I reply “Thanks! Glad I made the right decision ”
A little later I get “What are you up to.” I think about not replying but just tell her the truth:
“Not much. Sitting around with the three-legged furball. Taking care of some work stuff.”
Her: “Aw sounds nice”
Her: “Seems like you’re pretty happy being single…”
Me: “Seems like we both are
”
Her: “Wow! So you are! Cooooooool.”
So that’s where it stands right now. That was last night and I haven’t talked to her since. I’m just really concerned about whether I should be answering texts this much, if I’m saying the right thing, and if I’m pushing her too far away at this point. I’m trying to stick to the month-of-silence thing but she is the kind of girl who NEEDS attention and she could potentially just give up on the whole thing if she isn’t getting any at all. Plus she’s still the really jealous type and too much jealousy could also result in her walking out rather than coming back. When she was texting me at the festival it almost felt like a good opener to get her to admit she misses US and to get the ball rolling, but part of me felt like this was just an early pang of loneliness and it was too soon to try anything so direct.
So. Should I keep doing what I’ve been doing? Should I continue not to text her? Should I respond differently to her texts to me? Is there anything different I should be doing when she says things like “I miss you,” etc. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
P.S. – Yes I am sure I want her back, at least casually. We’ve had our ups and downs and while she is an insane person with no idea what she wants during a fight or a breakup, she is awesome the rest of the time. 95% of the people who meet us think we’re awful for each other at first, and then subsequently decide we’re one of their favorite couples to hang out with. It’s a weird situation but when it works, it works beautifully.
CHAT