| ...didn't fail, but I felt I didn't get anywhere.
I was hanging out with a friend of mine. We drank beers, got good, ate food, and met up with some girls he knew (My game doesn't exist. I hardly have a phone list).
We get there, and these two girls arrive in an SUV. The first girl is a solid 9 (Nice tits, nice ass, cute face), and the other is an 8.5 (Cutie Pie). Codes are Rune, 2nd, Nine, and Cutie.
...this is the worst stalemate ever. (I tell myself I did ok, but I'm dissapointed with my performance).
My friend (2nd) was a manager for a modelling agency booth at the mall. He was the girl's manager. (He is the king pimp when it comes to girl. No enmity against him; I end up criticizing myself for being such a wimp and a coward).
He strikes up conversation. I unknowingly go along with what he says. I didn't know what to say.
I was literally at a loss for words. I told myself "Go, you're doing ok", but, I froze. I choked up. I had nothing to say. I was speechless.
My friend told me to get out of my car and go up to speak to them. I hesistated, but something inside told me "This is the right thing to do. Get out and just be there". I didn't want to go, but I did anyway.
I got up, and this is how the convo went:
Me: Hi. So, you guys just came from work (Inner thought: I'm a fucking idiot. Look, I'm here looking like a needy jerkoff).
Nine: Nah, we just came from home. She (Cutie) just got off from work.
Me: ... (Thought: See. Asshole. You can't even think of one thing to respond with. Don't say the wrong thing. You'll look like a wuss and an AFC).
I stay awkwardly silent, and back off of the car, in nervous shock. My immediate thoughts were "Game over, you lost pussy. Go home. You made your friend look bad. Trash. TRASH!!!". Yet, I kept positive, and said "Good for you, you approached".
My friend bailed me out, and just talked about stupid bullshit, keeping them entertained. They were responding positively to him (Inner thoughts: How the hell does he do it? What should I say? Why can't I do this? Fuck, I look like a pussy out in the spotlight. Help me, someone. Give me courage.)"
Then, they talk some more, and give me ammo to use to connect. She talked about how she fucked all these guys behind her boyfriend's back, and didn't seem to mind (Shit test, Idk if I passed it or not. I'm a newbie at this shit). So what if she fucked all these guys? Finding a virgin hot girl is like looking for bigfoot in the magical world of neverland within the dirty sock under the magnetic master bed of my imaginary mansion.
2nd (my friend) saves me, and I join the conversation briefly. I say "I don't think you're a slut. You're just doing you" (Inner thought: It's not an intellecual conversation. You preach, but lack practice experience. At least you maintained the vibe, but you're supposed to raise it. You're the alpha male chief. Start acting like one).
She laughs MILDLY, and says "Ok, we're gonna leave now" (Shit test.)
I responded "K. Bye."
Then, they dawdle, and talk amongst themselves. I knew I lost; I was already sweating profusely (Not out of nervousness; I perspirate a lot; does anyone know how to prevent sweating?)
They talk to us for 15 more seconds, then cutie gets out of the car, talks to 2nd (who's waiting in my driver's seat), and she kisses him (Inner thoughts: God kill me now. Just fucking kill me god. Just fucking kill me. I don't hate my friend, but I can NEVER reach that level of game. I'm socially retarded, it's fucking official. I give up man. Fuck this). Then, I reset myself, and kept saying "You did OK man. You just met them. You're not getting any on the first try".
Of course, Nine talked about this guy wearing a homer simpson chain, and gangster clothing, and talked like a wankster, and how he drove a Bentley, and bought her Carmines for dinner (Inner thoughts: How does a fucking AFC pussy like that get to hook up with this hot girl? Why cant I get any. Fuck PUAForum. Fuck that asshole in the driver's seat. Fuck all these fucking tools making my own life miserable. Kill me god; please. Spare me these idiot's ramblings).
End story, he hooks up with her, which to her, isn't that big of a deal (Inner thoughts: Man I suck at life. I can't even hook up with a girl without alcohol). She also admited to having sex with him (Inner thoughts: I need to buy a gun. I have no chance whatsoever. I might as well shoot myself. If I have to be an idiot to get women, I'd rather commit suicide and rid myself of this idiotic world.)
(I honestly believe that sometimes. Seriously, all these fucking douchebags get these hot chicks, and decent guys like me get shit thrown at me from all fucking angles. OK, I'm a "Nice guy". I admit it. Fuck man. FUCK. Everyone tells me I cant change, and this is who I am. Well, there's an answer to that: A bullet to my head.)
But then, I jar out of reality, and just tell myself "You're doing ok. Just stay positive. Just stay positive. You're not fucking up; this happens to everyone"
Then I think "No, it doesn't happen to my friend in the car, or the brainless apes I have to tolerate."
Then, Nine says again "We're leaving. Bye". They leave, I get back in the car, and me and my friend resume life as before.
I'm here now...not angry, but frustrated. At myself.
I don't fucking know man. I admit, I am a "nice guy". I don't want to be. I want to be the king asshole. I want to be the stud who gets all the girls and the power and the fame. I want it, and others get it without trying. I want to kill some people sometimes, but in the end, I feel like killing myself.
...and then I "stay in the present moment", and tell myself "You did great buddy. Trust me, you did great. You did awesome, actually. So what if you didn't get the girl; you got experience. Kick ass; tomorrow, get TWO moments of experience. Keep going; one day, you will be free.
But I want it NOW dammit. Fuck waiting. I waited 18 years, being bullied and ostracized by the same idiots who fuck every damn second of the day. No waiting. I refuse to wait.
But then I get positive, and think "It's not as long as you think. It wont take years, but it WILL be years if you fight. Don't think in time; congratulate yourself for a positive step forward. God is smiling. You want the girls, endure the tests of man. God WANTS you to succeed, but he also wants you to APPRECIATE the struggle. Life isn't stupid or unfair; there is a reason you are tested. Be glad you know so much this far. You're not supposed to know this crap until 25-27.
...I don't mean to be an attention whore guys, but it's frustrating. I just want to dive my face between two big titties, eat some girl's pussy out, get my dick sucked, fuck, and cum on some girl's face.
IS THAT SO FUCKING DIFFICULT?!?! Is it really reserved for the scum of humanity?
Is it that bad that I want to fuck 1 girl, every day of the week? Cmon, it can't be THAT fucking difficult. I'm tired of being the beta guy man. Fuck that. It's not anyone's fault, but hey, who's gonna help me? Only me, and I don't know what the fuck jack shit to do man.
I'm going to a bar tomorrow. See what I can learn. It hurts to crash and burn, but dammit man; why do I have to endure tests while others get what I want? Why cant I just be blessed with free pussy?
Fuck man...
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