| Journal Entry #2 06/23/10 09:30:57 PM
The extent to which I am bitching out is truly epic. I spent all day trying to psych myself up to go out to the bars tonight and talk to girls. I prepared a bit of an opener, though it isn't complete. I have the rough idea of a follow up story to tell. I spent an hour ironing all my clothes, I power washed my teeth, put on one small spray of cologne, I even did the breathing exercise to try to calm myself down.
Then, I left my apartment and started to walk down to the strip. At first, there weren't a lot of people around. I was able to walk upright, calmly and slowly, eyes open, and even with a bit of a smile. But eventually, I make it to the strip. Some of the bars were empty, because it was still early. One, which has a promotion Wednesday nights, had quite a few people in there. Walking past people on the street, I slowly started to freak out. They all seemed to be wrapped up in their own conversations. They all seemed to be about 5 inches taller than me (Impossible seeing as I'm 5'10”, and I am wearing 1" heels). Everybody else was comfortable. I started sweating like Whitney Houston. My smile became a strained pseudo-smile. My throat got dry. My eyes started to burn. I ducked into a Walgreen's for a few minutes, thinking that I may be able to calm myself down and get control of my anxiety. I felt better for the few minutes, but then right back out.
Yelling at myself, and feeling like sh** the whole time, I got off of the strip onto a back road and walked back to my apartment. And here I am, stewing in my own failure. I've got to go back out there, tonight, and I have to talk to at least a handful of girls. Even if they reject me before I can even get started, even if my eyes feel like they are going to burn out of my skull, even if I come off as a pathetic f***er to the 100 people in the crowded bar, I have to f***ing do it. F***. In round one, I never even got close to talking to a girl and I still felt petrified. I know they aren't super-beings, but that knowledge doesn't seem to help.
Dammit, I'll re-post later tonight when I have actually done something.
09:49:49 PM
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