| You have a serious problem on your hands Checkfigure1 if you stay with this girl her verbal abuse can lead to domestic violence . Your story is a little biased in that we only see you as a passive character and her as the aggressor. There are definitely abusive behaviours which I have elaborated on from "your point of view", I have directed the questions to both of you, so try to see if you fit the bill are showing abusive tendencies towards your gf . You might be surprised to know that your story begins with "you" showing an abusive behaviour.
You may have recently noticed some of the red flags such as angry and controlling behaviour. Unfortunately, most abusers are able to mask these tendencies in dating. By the time many people notice the obvious red flags, they're already attached to an abuser, which makes it much harder for them to leave the relationship.
During the early stages of your relationship, I’m sure she was not likely to do any of these things to you. But did you witness these attitudes and behaviours toward others?
Very Early Warning Sign #1: A Blamer
Did anyone blame negative feelings and bad luck on someone else? Special care is necessary here, as blamers can be really seductive in dating. Their blame of others can make you look great by comparison:
"You're so smart, sensitive, caring, and loving, not like that A**hole I used to go out with."
Hearing this kind of thing might make you think that all she really needs is the understanding and love of a good man to change her luck. This disastrous assumption flies in the face of the Law of Blame.
The Law of Blame: It eventually goes to the closest person.
When you become the closest person to her, the blame will centre around you.
Blamers can be dangerous to love because they usually suffer from victim identity. Feeling like victims, they see themselves as justified in whatever retaliation they enact and whatever compensation they take. Blamers will certainly cause pain for you if you come to love one.
Very Early Warning Sign #2: Resentment
Resentment is a negative mood caused by focus on perceptions of unfairness. Resentful people feel like they are not getting the help, consideration, praise, reward, or affection they believe is due them.
“she called me an asshole and an idiot”
Everyone has to put up with a certain amount of unfairness in life. We don't like it, but we deal with it and move on; we try to improve our situations and our experiences. The resentful waste their emotional energy by dwelling on the unfairness of others (while remaining oblivious to their own unfairness). They think (mistakenly) that they don't know how to improve their lives. They use resentment as a defense against a sense of failure or inadequacy.
Resentful people are so caught up in their "rights" and so locked into their own perspectives that they become completely insensitive to the rights and perspectives of others. If you fall in love with a resentful person, you will eventually become the brunt of that resentment and almost certainly feel shut out and diminished in the relationship.
Very Early Warning Sign #3: Entitlement
People with a sense of entitlement believe that they deserve special consideration and special SPAM. They may cut in front of others waiting in line, smoke wherever they want, drive any way they want, say anything they like, and do pretty much anything they choose.
Driven by high standards of what they should get and what other people should do for them, the entitled feel chronically disappointed and offended. So it seems only fair, from their bigoted perspectives, that they get compensation for their constant frustrations. Special consideration seems like so little to ask!
Here's the logic:
“We will be sitting on the couch and she will say "get me a water, snack, remote, etc..."
After the glow of infatuation wears off, the entitled person will regard her feelings and desire as more important than yours. If you agree, you'll get depressed. If you disagree, you'll get abused.
Very Early Warning Sign #4: Pettiness
If she makes a big deal out of nothing or focuses on one small, negative aspect of an issue, a relationship with her will be disastrous. This might show itself as being extremely particular about how her food is prepared in a restaurant or seeming impatient if someone drops something.
“she yelled at me because I can't even do simple things for her.”
In a love relationship, her petty attitudes and behavior will make you feel reduced to some small mistake, as if nothing you have ever done right in your life matters. You will feel criticised and diminished for the smallest of infractions, real or imagined.
Very Early Warning Sign #5: Sarcasm
Sarcasm comes in many forms. Sometimes it's just poorly-timed humor - saying the wrong thing in the wrong context. Sometimes it's innocently insensitive, with no intention to hurt or offend. More often it is hostile and meant to devalue. The purpose is to undermine a perspective the sarcastic person doesn't agree with or to shake someone's confidence, just for a temporary ego gain or some strategic advantage in a negotiation.
..." If I don't get it for her, she will say something like " Wow, I can tell you really love me, or What a sweet guy you are (sarcastically)"
Sarcastic people tend to be heavy into impression management, always trying to sound smart or witty. Their tone always has at least a subtle put-down in it. In dating this will be directed at others. In a relationship, it will CENTRE on YOU.
Very Early Warning Sign #6: Rusher
this one is on your part Checkfigure1, I have female friends who complain that their boyfriends don't pursue them or try to sweep them off their feet. I always tell them, "How lucky you are!"
“The other day there was an event I wanted both of us to attend. It was nothing unreasonable, but I could tell she didn't really want to go.”
Guys who rush or are needy (defined as whatever makes your GF uncomfortable) do not respect boundaries. One definition of "abuse" is "that which violates personal boundaries." It is not flattering that you wanted to go to that event so much that you didn’t care about whether she was comfortable. Make sure to show respect for her comfort-level, in all senses of the word.
Trust in Yourself
While a certain caution in relationships is a good thing, you want to be sure that your caution is proactive, rather than reactive; you want it based on trusting your instincts, rather than distrusting each other.
Trust in yourself stems from your deepest values. As long as you stay attuned to the most important things to and about you, you will naturally gravitate toward those who truly value you as a person.
Multiple-Victimization
Research shows that if a woman has been mistreated in the past, even in childhood, there's a good chance that she'll be mistreated in her next relationship as well. It's called, "multiple-victimization," and it is often misunderstood.
“She feels really bad and apologizes for what she does. She says it has to do with her lack of self control. I am sure it has to do with the way she was raised as a child. This particular misconception has even infected a few professionals who have ridiculously theorised that some women "want to be abused."
If she has experienced multiple-victimization, please understand this: This is not due to her temperament or personality; it's a normal defensive reaction. After she has been hurt, of course she'll put up subtle barriers for self-protection. Non-abusive men will recognise and respect those barriers. For example, suppose that she works with someone who's attracted to her. But he senses that she is uncomfortable with his small gestures for more closeness. He will naturally back off and give her time to heal, or he'll settle for a non-romantic friendship. But a man who is likely to mistreat her will either not recognise her barriers or completely disregard them. He will continue to hit on her, until he breaks down the protective walls (bitch shield) which surround her.
The following "intimacy test" can help you become more sensitive and trusting to the non-verbal signals about attachment that ultimately rise from your core value.
Intimacy Test
Can you disclose anything about yourself, including your deepest thoughts and feelings, without fear of rejection or misunderstanding? ________
Is the message of your relationship, "grow, expand, create, disclose, reveal?" Or is it, "hide, conceal, think only in certain ways, behave only in certain ways, feel only certain things?"
Grow___ Hide ___
Does this relationship offer both parties optimal growth? ___
Can you both develop into the greatest persons you can be? ___
Does your partner fully accept that you have thoughts, beliefs, preferences, and feelings that differ from hers? ___
Does she respect those differences? ___
Does she cherish you despite them? ___
Doess he accept your differences without trying to change you? ___
Do you want to accept that your partner has thoughts, beliefs, preferences, and feelings that differ from yours? ___
Can you respect those differences? ___
Can you cherish your partner despite them? ___
Can you accept them without trying to change them? ___
A greater sense of your core values will give you more confidence that you can detect the very early warning signs of abuse. Be a little sensitive and listen compassionately to the faint messages you feel (this is not AFC! It’s about calibrating). Then you won't need to make the kind of desperate outcries that suspend your best judgment, scare off appropriate matches, and attract resentful, angry, or abusive partners.
I was in an abusive relationship for a long time and didn’t realise that I was adding fuel to the fire. My Father was abusive when I was a child and I turned into a carbon copy of him because that was all I knew. The most important thing to do is to step back, be indifferent and see the whole thing from a third person perspective.
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you can fake it till you make it, but if it feels REAL go with the flow!
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