So I've been hooking up with a good friend of mine, until a couple weeks she started getting more reluctant. I asked if she wanted to end the benefits part of our relationsihp and she said she would tell me if she did.

Today we were out with a group of friends, and she started inviting one girl back to her place to watch a movie, then texted her ex and another male friend of hers. Didn't really address the invite to the other 3 of us at the table, but when we stood up to leave she did turn to me and asked if I wanted to come, and that it was "open to everyone." (She didn't tell that to the others at the table... but we don't really like them... so no idea what she really meant with that...)

Anyway I get a text from half an hour before we were supposed to be there from the other girl. She's asking if I'm coming, then says the movie is already starting... apparently my friend decided to move the time up half an hour and I wasn't told.

WTF!?! I mean even as just a friend that seems pretty rude.

So do I say anything? I'm really kinda pissed... but I know I was getting a little needy with the benefits stuff so I've been kinda freezing her out all week.

I really just want to say "I understand where I stand now, but I really thought you were a more direct person. That was a pretty rude way to send me the message."

More harm than good, or am I supposed to just not care?

The other girl said that my friend just thought I wasn't really planning on coming... I'd still let someone know about a time change in that situation though right?


EDIT: Calmed down a bit after talking to a friend... texted this:

Me: Wish I could have made the movie! I was just getting ready when Ash texted me you were starting already...
Her: We had to start it early because my roomate wanted to watch Lost at 9...
Me: Would have gotten moving earlier if I'd known...
Her: Didn't realize you were interested, because you said you'd think about it. Oops
Me: I was just exhausted and sleepy when you asked, decided to decide after a nap. Did you guys have fun at least?
Her: Yeah it was cool to blah blah blah


Left it there... but she didn't really apologize or do anything to really indicate she had wanted me there.

Yeah it seems like it's not a big deal, but if she snubs you repeatedly, withdraw attention or start hooking up with another girl. Don't let it phase you. And your right about not getting needy, getting desperate to hook up is a good way to end her attraction for you

_________________
My Blog: www.solvemygirlproblems.com

So thinking.

1) It's been a week since I asked her to get together at all... or really talked to her beyond a quick flirty text on Wednesday
2) I skipped out on a group event that included her on Saturday, and she texted me to say I'd regret it.
3) Sunday I went to a couple group events, and when she did the sideline invite thing I gave a noncommital answer... so she decided I didn't want to go.

Tomorrow is the last day she's in town before going on a trip for the rest of the week.

Wondering if I should just invite her out for a "bon voyage" drink before her trip. Not attempting to go back to her place or anything, just grabbing a drink.

Good idea, or bad idea?


Part of me is starting to wonder if she thinks I don't want to be around her anymore...

Im new to this so take this with a grain of salt.

But I think youre making wayyy to much out the situation. As a PUA, you cant get attached to the girl if shes just a hook up. So when you start gettin emotional and dissecting one instance, it just makes you look desperate imo.

I wouldnt have texted her about the movie, and def wouldnt have made it so obvious you were upset. If anything, Id just be like "you owe me!"

I think inviting her out before she goes is a good way to retain your original friendship and keep interest in the hooking up. But again I wouldnt seem to clingy or interested.

GL

Hakuna hit the nail on the head..."... start hooking up with another girl."

Onoma, you are already displaying needy traits by moaning about her starting the movie early etc. I can also tell that she wears the pants completely. Go out and meet other women and you will soon find out how she feels about you.

by the way...how often do you sleep together? and who initiates it?

Agree with these guys.

you are coming across as needy dude. She'll be picking up on this

Scamps

I get so tired of this. It would be nice if just once people could respond to how to fix a problem with a "relationship" rather than just say move on. I'm not sitting at home crying about this girl, I am trying to meet other women... but that doesn't mean I don't want to fix things with this one too. I hope that isn't coming off too snippy, but I tend to get accused of oneitis just about every time I post... no matter which girl I'm posting about!
I felt pretty slighted even as a friend, honestly. I guess I felt like it was a toss up between appearing needy and being direct, and in the end I didn't really end up being that direct either.

We were sleeping together 3+ times a week, and we were both initiating until the last week we slept together. That week we had slept together twice, then the third night she said yes but had to change her answer as the people who drove her home decided to come in and hang out for a while. (It was getting late, and we don't want them to know what's going on.)

The next night we were out at a bar, and everyone else left and I just kind of off-handedly said it was nice to be alone with her and started doing some kino and she just said "oh don't say that." I think she thought I was starting to want a relationship, when really I just wanted to get a little hands-on...

Next night we were at a group thing, some of us were heading out and she mentioned she got invited to a party. I was on my way home and texted her just saying I was tired and going home early, "but you said you were going to that party right?"

The next night I got really drunk at a party with her, she left then everyone else started leaving so I texted her a couple really sexual comments hinting I wanted to come over... she turned that down. I saw her at a play the next day, but didn't ask to get together beyond that at all. Monday I got dumped by a girl I was dating, and asked my FWB out for dinner to get my mind off things... after dinner I asked if I could come over and she turned me down.

After that I've been backing off, trying not to have too much contact. I texted her a little on Wednesday just kind of flirting... she texted me Friday to say I'd regret cancelling on the drive in and then the thing happened Sunday that started this thread.

I must say your intentions seem a bit mixed. I understand that you want to regain your FWB and get it back to where it was, however it's hard to tell how you feel about this girl, and judging by your posts you are actually quite attached to her. That doesnt mean youre sitting at home and crying about it, but you have feelings for her (be honest about this). Else none of this shit would bother you.
You need to remember that you are NOT just friends, the interaction between f*ck buddies will ALWAYS differ to that of a friendship without intimacy. Being f.buddies often gets messy as you are neither here nor there, you have both agreed that you want to sleep with each other, but that you dont quite feel strongly enough for each other to be exclusive. ie. you dont want to miss out on any other opportunities that come along as there might be something better out there, so youre keeping yourself open (which is why im not a fan of f.buddies, IMO it is not healthy, but thats just me).

The fact that she THINKS you want a relationship from one measly comment says alot mate. It shows that she can pick up that you are not acting like a care-free f.buddy and you are investing more than that as you kind of have feelings.

I think the reason why she is backing off is that yo uare not treating her like a f.buddy, you are coming across as a guy that wants a relationship and she clearly does not want this (and if she does care about you then she doesnt want to hurt you either). Her only way out is to stop sleeping with you.

What i wanted to know was, what are her reactions when you date other girls? (does she ask how it went, how far you got with them etc?)

Also, how woudl you feel if she was f*cking someone else currently while she was banging you....would you be ok with it? (i have a feeling that you would not)

See the post in the sig, losing a sex partner is kind of a big deal for me. Honestly, she was my first and I was just starting to learn the ropes and get more comfortable with sex and losing that opportunity is hard. Yeah, there will be another girl but it won't be for a while, and it will probably be someone I'm trying for a relationship with and I'll be extra nervous about my problems.
It honestly hadn't been up until now. We were fine when out with all our other friends... I felt like the intimacy was just restricted to our bedrooms. We'd sit in the living room watching TV, apart not holding or cuddling or anything... then hop in bed and just start cuddling or making out depending on our mood.

What would I do to disavow her of that notion?
Actually she could just tell me. I mean, I asked directly and she said she would tell me if she did want to end it... and I'd like to think she knows that I'd rather just know what's going on than be in this questionable state.
Well... hrm. About a month ago she went on a cruise, when she came back she texted me three days in a row to come over. The first I was sick, the second I was out with another girl and told her, and the third I had to explain that the girl was going to be out of town for a month and I wasn't sure what would happen when she came back. She said "at least I have this for another month."

Last week when I was telling her that the girl may be leaving the country, and is going to be working out of state 4 days a week my FWB just said that was a bad sign and then we moved on to talk about other stuff.

There are other littler things, like when we were out I asked her if she knew this one girl who came with another friend, or another time I met one of her male friends and I got a vibe that he might be interested in her so I told her that when we got back to her place. Actually, that was the last night we spent together...
I don't know, honestly. We haven't been using condoms because my problem makes it difficult, so I'd be a little worried on that front. Other than that, I think I'd only be worried about comparison (I can't be all that good yet) and her not wanting to spend time with me.

Honestly, it's a distinct possibility as she's been kind of cuddly in public with another of our friends who is in an open marriage. However my experience with her has been that she's less flirty the more interested she is in you... and she said she didn't think she'd ever feel comfortable sleeping with him. (Not that I asked, we were discussion the open marriage concept and the two involved early on... I've actually made out and almost slept with the wife a long time ago, and my FWB knows this.)

Now we're getting somewhere. So you ARE attached to her, and the reason is that you are worried about 'failing' in the bedroom with another girl. Because of this fear for sleeping with other women, you have developed feelings of comfort and attachment for your FWB. She is currently the only one you see yourself having sex with in the near future (as you said), and hence the only person you see yourself compatible with due to your current fear.

The solution here is NOT to try and keep your FWB!!!

If you could be shagging other women you would right?? Exactly, so focus on sorting that out. You cannot rely on your FWB for the rest of your life, and there is no time to waste so start sorting your issue out sooner rather than later.

This is what I would suggest to rid that fear of yours....and I guarantee it will work!! You problem is that you have a very irrational (and false) fear, its anxiety. Ditch this anxiety by just not having sex.

The next few girls that you hook up with, do NOT sleep with them, just do foreplay for now. This way you are not putting any pressure on yourself to sex the girl. You will be completely relaxed during the entire date too as there is no pressure! If the girl wants to know why youre not banging her, tell her she can wait (just make sure you pleasure her in other ways and keep her hooked). If she's decent she will wait, its the sluts that might not (but who give a flying fuck about them?). Besides if you resist sex with the girl, they will want it even more down the line when you do eventually DECIDE to give it to them (now who's in control??).

After a few sessions of foreplay with the girl (or numerous girls), i guarantee that because there is no pressure on you at all, you will get to a point where you will not be able to help yourself and will shag the living day lights out of her without even thinking about your so-called fear.

As you can see it needs to happen naturally, and the best way to do this is not to plan for it. If you carry on sleeping with your FWB, this will not sort your issue out. Your problem is not with the your FWB, its with strangers so focus on that.

My therapist suggests regular sex with someone who cares about me... and was supportive of the FWB arrangement.

It's not just a simple anxiety I'll just get over, it's a much deeper issue that's affected my interactions with women my entire life. I'm working to get past it, but this arrangement has made me feel much better and I was looking forward to the point where I might be comfortable with a woman I didn't know quite as well.

However I still think I need work, and all the extended foreplay in the world (and honestly I worry that doing so would make women think I'm weird more than it would attract them to me) isn't going to matter the moment I go to mount someone unless she's supportive and understanding of my issue.

If you dont mind me asking, how old you? Why do I ask... because a lot of youngsters your age are going through the exact same thing. You are not abnormal in any way. 99% of guys in a club cannot approach a women, let alone get as far as sleeping with them!
Well this will most certainly not happen on its own.

FOR THINGS TO CHANGE, YOU NEED TO CHANGE.

Getting your nickers in a knot because some FWB has started refraining from sleeping with you, and as a result your mission is now to get her back in bed purely because you dont believe you can sleep with other women is a BAD IDEA.

Do you really think that if you carry on sleeping with your friend that these fears attached to sleeping with OTHER women are just going to vanish? How can they!! Its a nice to believe story but its not going to happen. You need to get out there and get involved, face your daemons HEAD ON. ie. meet other women and go through the motions like any other guy has to. Youre not the only guy that fears interacting with and sleeping with women, probably 50% of this forum feels that way! Some have it worse than others, but it just means some are going to LEARN MORE than others.

And dude dont be too hard on yourself, I know its something you worry about probably every day of you life, but take small steps to change your beliefs and things will gradually improve. The only way to change your beliefs is to change your behavior and start seeing results, this builds confidence too and a new mindset will start forming (its about retraining your subconscious mind at the end of the day). You must take that first step though, put yourself out there...WAY out of your comfort zone (in life we must do this to have success with ANYTHING!)

One of the reasons why your story grabs me is because I used to suffer from ACTUAL anxiety and panic, the type where you have true panic attacks and think youre going to die (no-one on this planet can explain the feeling unless youve experienced it), its hectic, and they come on unexpectedly. Now imagine the shit running through my mind when thinking whether I should approach a girl or not....'am i going to have a panic attack??? if I do she WILL think im psycho! Id rather not approach her!! My panic will be with me forever, I HATE MY LIFE!!'. And here you are worrying about whether strange girls will or wont be pleased with your performance in the bedroom due to low self esteem.

Something else I went through, I had really bad skin when i was young and I was left with terrible raised scars on my chest shoulders and back, I was ANGRY with my life as im a good looking guy and thought i had been cursed as NOTHING that I tried was able to rid these scars (I spent a lot of money on it). I did not take my shirt off for 7 yrs in public (only my gfriend saw me without a top on, not even my closest friends!). My point is that I was hooked on this gfriend as I felt she would be the only girl that would ever understand my skin issue and that she was the only one that would not be turned OFF by it. Mate I used to have nightmares about getting hot with a girl and as soon as she took my top off she would run for the door and was never to be seen again. BUT I CHANGED....

I realized the only person that these scars were an issue to, was myself! It took me time but i got through it and i CHANGED my belief system. i have slept with many hot women to date Im not going to lie, and my scars still exist, the only thing that changed was my self image ie. the way I see myself. Im not bragging here but now I have women telling me I have a hot body while in bed with them, scars and all, that I look 'rough' and rugged and that it actually turns them ON, they like it! but its only because I have changed the way I see myself.

And this is exactly what you need to work at.

Dont ever forget that the world will always see you the way you see yourself.

Best of luck mate, I think you'll be fine.

CHANGE THE WAY YOU SEE YOURSELF.

33.


Working on it, and sleeping with this girl was honestly part of that... at least in my mind. I didn't talk to her about that because I didn't want to be putting pressure on her or anything... though she knew going in that I had a problem with sex (we dated briefly, I tried to have sex with her and couldn't get an erection... so her wanting to sleep with me again was actually a big thing, since I think it was a big part of why we stopped dating.)

I can't even always succeed with HER yet. I need to become comfortable with sex, and get past my guilt and bad associations with it. It's partly anxiety, but it's also partly... other things. Guilt over something I was forced to do when I was 4, anger about things done to me...

My problem is less approach anxiety (I have number closed in clubs) but approach motivation. Whereas most of you look at a girl and want sex, I look at a girl and think she's pretty and that's it...

Listen, I don't want to keep going into this... we're still focusing on "moving on" which misses the other important part of this: Learning how to handle a situation like this and avoid the same mistakes if I find myself in a similar situation.

Find the next girl is not always the answer... or more correctly it's always going to be the answer if we can't learn to stop making these mistakes.

Your anxieties sound worse than mine, and I'm sorry you had to go through so much. My problems are different though, and perhaps more subtle. I don't have nightmares, for instance, but I also don't have sex dreams or fantasize about it. It's not necessarily that I'm afraid (until the moments right before intercourse) it's more like my libido is broken. I don't think I desire sex the right way, and I don't fully get into it when I'm in bed with a girl... THEN I start to get anxious because I worry that I won't be able to perform because I'm not really getting into it.

But like I said, that's a problem for my therapist... the issue here is how to manage my relationship with the girl with an emphasis on preserving the friendship, and continuing access to sex as a bonus!

So I get a text from her, asking if I've got any plans for tonight. I say I was going to ask a friend out fr a going away drink before her trip (obviously implying her.) Turns out her car died, and she needs someone to go looking at cars with her. (I'm a terrible choice for this, as I know jack about cars...)

So we spend all evening looking at cars and test driving, then go for dinner. At the end of dinner (getting close to 10pm by now) she invites me to watch a movie at her place. SCORE! Right?

Not so much... halfway there she says she doesn't think I should spend the night though. I ask if this is a permanent end to our deal and she says yes. She says she feels guilty, but didn't want to go into it... then said she "didn't want to get too wrapped up in it."



Which is kind of interesting, since my therapists theory wasn't that I was getting too needy (well a little, but not too much) but that she was starting to develop feelings for me and was conflicted as to how she felt about a relationship.



What's surprising to me is how hurt I feel. I'd expected disappointment... obviously, but this is hurting a lot more than I thought it would. Maybe I was starting to develop some feelings for her after all...