I'd like to preface my bitching and moaning, with this quote... This one single quote is what changed my entire life...unfortunately I encountered this quote, far too late in my life, and its hard to change, when your 22. I definitely still have time, but the 'formative' years of social ability are over..anyway here's the quote by Dr. John C. Lilly...

"One problem in human existence is the tendency to repeat. Repeat feeling, thinking, action again and again and again in the same kind of looping cycle. It is as if one is controlled by a set of loops of tape. On these tapes are recorded what one says on one track, what one feels on another track, and what one does on a third track. And these are endless loops. And one tends to repeat these again and again and again.
One's needs for repetition are such that one tends to repeat in order to be safe. The safety of the familiar. The safety of the old tape loops rotating merrily into the infinite universe...."

I whole heartedly agree with it... It seems especially true for shy people, myself included, that we're stuck on these short, ever repeating, ever looping rings of tape, that cycle again and again. We make the same mistakes, we say the same things, and it gets us no where. It wasn't until I really heard this and sat down and thought about it, that I realized it described me exactly... Anyway on with my post..



So I'm 22, as with most of the people on here...no girlfriend, I'm socially awkward... and to top it off, i'm a push over. Unfortunately I'm also pretty short, 5'6. By men standards, thats fucking short. I"m also african american, and while thats not a hinderance, I actually don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I was raised, in suburbia, I listen to rock, play hockey, read alot, and have good credit but seriously, I feel very... "unblack" if you know what I mean. Like I'm not in my right skin, it's a very bizzare feeling, and this of course without a doubt affects my confidence. After 22 years, I'm learning to deal with it better, but It still hampers me.
My biggest weakness, is that when I'm together with my co-workers, they usually crack jokes, bust balls, but they come down especially hard on me. Its like the battle of helms deep often times, with the insults. But I can never think of anything to say to them. I just give in, let them win, and accept they're taunts. I sometimes smile and laugh along... Its pathetic, I'm 22, and getting bullied? Any other guy would have put an end to it the first day, or someone with a more manly 'presence" wouldn't even be in my predicament. I'm the most quiet and meekest person at work, and I catch hell for it..
So you add all that stuff together, I'm shy, I'm a meek pushover, I'm short, and I feel uncomfortable with myself, it really doesn't bode well. I've tried talking with girls but it always comes out to a mumble...or I trail off on my sentences, or most often, I just don't know what to say, so I just agree and smile or smile and look away...

Its easy to say "Just be confident" but feigning something that I've never felt much of, is nearly impossible. Thanks for listening to my tirade, had to get that off my chest...

Man, I know exactly how you feel. In fact, I worte a topic here too about it called "I seriously need help", and people there helped me a lot, it's good when we can talk to people who understands us.

I'm 22 as well, never had a girlfriend but not feel a total loser causa I'm well sucess in other areas of my life, especially the intelectuals ones, but social....

Anyway, you're not alone buddy, read that topic and maybe you'll feel better. Good luck.

Regarding some of the vicious circles in Social anxiety go to a library and read the short section on SA in a book called "Anxiety Free" by Robert Leahy. As for the very serious vicious circles created by the egoic mind I think the often recommended book called "The power of now" by Eckhart Tolle explains some of the useless depressive and fear based patterns of the mind.

As for you work colleagues - fuck them. I stopped talking to people at work because of their behaviour and piss taking, and I am tall. I have known guys of 5ft 6 who have confident personalities, or were arrogantly confident boxers so it is all about inner game, and none of it exists outside of your mind.

Every taunt you get from someone at work is adding to your doubts, and may cause you serious issues with confidence in future. That has to be addressed. I would cut them out, stop talking to them, complain or anything else to get away from them. Yes, that includes trying to find another job if possible.

As for the issue of not feeling black enough, maybe you will get a response to that here, or elsewhere on the internet because I'm sure there are guys who grew up in the same situation as you and feel the same issues. I can't help because I'm white, although I grew up in a mixed neighbourhood so have the rapping skills of vanilla ice. But seriously, you need to address these doubts because they seem to be pretty deep insecurities, and the last thing you need is people adding to them when you have no boundary to resist their taunts.

I don't know about all the other stuff, but I can dig the whole "stuck in a loop" bit. That pretty much sums up my battles. What's really evil is that each loop just reinforces the same behavior each time it happens; you're basically practicing how to fail! I started off a little bit shy as kid, didn't get that much-needed social interaction, which made me socially awkward in conversations, which made me more self-conscious, which just reinforced my shyness....wash, rinse, repeat for three decades, and it turns into a crippling social anxiety toward strangers that I'm trying to grind away.

And THAT'S what really sucks....there is no magic pill for it, you just have to grit your teeth and work through it. As my grandfather used to say, "You can't break a bad habit. Only way to beat it is to replace it with another habit." All those "living in the now" and other positive-thinking methods are just tools....great tools when used correctly, but ultimately useless unless you are willing to put in A LOT of work in rehabilitating your personality.

Find something competitive like a sport, chess, boxing or anything. Become the BEST at it. You'll start becoming more confident as your confidence in that one area grows

_________________
My Blog: www.solvemygirlproblems.com

Thanks for the replies...yea I'm thinking about taking Taekwondo over the summer. Just so I can stay active, and it should be a confidence booster...hopefully

_________________
One's needs for repetition are such that one tends to repeat in order to be safe. The safety of the familiar. The safety of the old tape loops rotating merrily

If you want to change you can still change, even if your way in your 30's or even 40's.
Actually saw it happen more then once, you will be amazed by the powers your brain can provide once rightly triggered.

.WS

_________________
True communication is communion―the realization of oneness, which is love! ~ Eckhart Tolle

I don't agree with this at all. I'm a shy guy like you. The thing is, I used to be WAY shyer. I was bullied in middle school, so later in high school it affected me even though I didn't get bullied anymore. Usually people test you, see where you fit in with them if you don't do it first. They're cool with you at first and then if you don't project a quality that puts you above them[such as sleeping with tons of hot chicks] they try to tool you and see how much they can get away with. I realized that I was easily getting tooled by anyone and I didn't know how to defend myself, so I changed that.

Now, this may or may not be for you. How I changed was I watched a lot of movies[I don't watch any movies anymore], and whenever I heard a line or comeback I liked, I wrote it down. I also would go online to chatrooms and start fights with people. It's alot easier to think of a comeback when you don't have to do it immediately in real life. If I saw what I thought was a good comeback or just overall statement, I wrote it down. If I thought they made a good comment, I wrote what they said down. Before I knew it I had a LONG list of a bunch of different lines that I liked. Before I knew it I was pretty damn good at pissing people off and getting the better of them. Before I knew it I was where I wanted to be.

Note that I was holed up in my house for well over half a year[not by choice by something I screwed up on] so this was a legit way for me to go about improving. Also note that I wasn't just trying to improve my comebacks, I was writing down EVERYTHING that I liked. If someone said something a certain way that I liked, I wrote it down. However, when I got into the real world I was HORRIBLE. At first, I sucked talking to people. But the thing is, I had already programmed my mind to be in this sort of mindset so I was thinking of good comebacks/things to say, just a few seconds later sometimes. Other times I thought of good comebacks, I just pussed out saying them for some reason.

It took a few months before I got better, but I'm no longer socially awkward. I'm still not that good at talking to women, but it's because my aggressive style of conversation fits in better with men. I like busting balls, I haven't focused on reprogramming my mind to think sexually yet. I can always make people laugh now, I couldn't even make one person laugh in high school. People think I'm shy, but it's because I never talk to them[by choice I know I'm bad I need to be a social butterfly I'm trying to fix this]. The people I do talk to don't think I'm shy.

Hopefully this helps you.

Oh btw..I'm 5'7"

Also, one more thing..about the tooling thing I said earlier. Guys at my work have tried it to me and I always get the better of them. Because of this they now respect me and we're cool with each other. They never do it to me anymore even though they pick on other guys this way[it's more joking less tooling but if you dont answer with a comeback theyll just keep doing it to you]

I am total failure with women (thats about to change), but I can offer you advice when talking to men. Always have that "spit in the eye" when talking to them. I learned that at early age (guess you learn faster then) when punk kids tried to pick me on because I was fat. I had to be tougher than others because of that. And I guess that defines me now pretty much.
Just don't take anyone's shit. If they say something that annoys you, just tell them to fuck off. 99% of people don't have the balls to fight you unless you attack them directly so don't be scared. Of course don't do to others what you don't let others do to you, or you will be considered asshole. There is a difference between joking and insulting.
Also a thing that helps very much is getting stronger by regular physical exercise. I do not see a reason for any young man not to work out, unless he has some severe health problem. People than pick on you like you described are probably pussies, and if you are stronger than them and show some spite, will probably try to get up your ass. Believe me I know that kind of people. And I don't mean get ancient-ninja-chi-bruce lee-stronger, I mean pushups-pullups-maybe some weights-heavy bag-maybe some sparring-stronger.
I hope you do one of those things, for your good, you will feel much better, I helped a friend with similar problem and it worked. And forget about being short. So what? Height has no effect on 99% of the non-women-related things. Taller dude is not stronger than u because of that, unless you are both heavyweight boxers so he knows to utilize his advantage.
As for the point of us being on this forum, I can't help you with that, I am taking my baby steps so here is to us both bedding many hot women soon!