haha no not really, this story about a guy. But I did get your attention did I not?

Yeah this story is about me, let me first introduce myself, my name is Blind Tiger. It's a fitting name I think since I'm rather well known for not seeying whats ahead of me but still taking on everything with pride. Like if I walk against a glass wall. I'll walk against it again just for kicks. That's why you don't want to hit my head. Trust me it's harder than anything you can sling at it.

I'll be completely honest with you guys about my past and tell you the things I never told anyone, ANYONE!!!!!. Bare in mind this is a long post and involves some back story and personal insecurities. I'll try to explain things in chronological order from a game perspective. I'll toss in a story about my exploits and mix it in with some personal background. As I'm writing this I'm feeling the therapeutic effect. If you only want a quick ending read my conclusion ‘’Fireworks!’’

Index. Find by $titel$

STORY 1: ‘’Is that your ass?’’

BACKGROUND; early years; ‘’You like girls don’t you?’’

STORY 2; ‘’They say this is your sweetest time’’

STORY 3, ‘’Stalkers beware’’

BACKGROUND; ‘’Pussy wipped by a rug’’

BACKGROUND: ‘’The pickup lady’’

Lets talk about DOOMGIRL. ‘’Do I care for her or do I really love her?’’

Return of Doomgirl ‘’Questions that will not be answered’’

Rollercoaster downhill. ‘’What drives a man?’’

‘’Chicks who snap are dangerous’’

‘’Fireworks!’’ (conclusion, read this if you can’t be bothered to read 12 word office pages of my personal history and just want to sarge with me in the Netherlands, near Alkmaar)


STORY 1: ‘’Is that your ass?’’

Last second last year of elementary (haha I know) I had a girlfriend after we slow danced and grinded a little. I guess eventualy she found out I got hard and she teased me more...(it is only now that I actualy understand she was teasing me), after the dance we went playing outside (like I said innocent) and we got caught in a game of tag which so suprisingly ended up with me above her after I tagged her. She struggled against me and flipped me over, I tried to get under away from her but ended up grabbing her ass. After which she said ''You like that don't you?'' I can't remember exactly what I said but I didn't think too much of it back then. I brushed it off with something like ''nah it's alright''. After which she punched me and I asked her ''Want to be my girlfriend?''. I never actualy know why I said that, it was a sudden outburst of emotion as I was still grabbing her ass.
She was a nice smart average looking girl, I liked her the most of the class for her strong personality. I never kissed her, in fact she kissed me and it was so stupid. After a couple of days of being boyfriend and girlfriend when we were sitting in the bus to go to swim classes the class challenged her to kiss me. After they said that she stood up and walked to me and kissed me between the lips and my cheek. I actualy signaled her to make a fake kiss because I hated group bullshit bets like that but she kissed me between the lips and the cheek and walked right back after which the class shut up. I didn't think much of it. I think I blushed, my friend said so. However besides that we never did anything and I think that made me feel it was dead. So one day I just stood up from my stool and walked to her and said it was over. She just looked at me and said yes but in the most neutral way you can imagine. We stayed friends but she kept trying to neg me tonnes lol.

BACKGROUND; early years; ‘’You like girls don’t you?’’

My parents had an opposite way of teaching me about sexuality. When I was still a young boy, around the age of 8 to 10, whenever a movie was playing and the romantic scene would start, I'd be a little annoyed since I didn't care for it and wanted to see the rest of the action and thought this was getting in my way. My parents would always joke about how I'd like it when I was grown up and that I'd be doing that to my girlfriends. When I started hitting early puberty at 13-15 they started asking me continiously during those scenes wether it had changed...did I like to watch that now or did I like boys instead? ''oh sweet you can tell us if you like boys...I don't mind if your gay. You know your mother loves gays and mentaly retarded people.'' Quote (yeah she was a social worker, working with mentaly retarded people and people with disabilities)

STORY 2; ‘’They say this is your sweetest time’’

First year of middle-school was awesome, there was this realy hot chick which apperantly had a thing for me. To bad I totaly didn't like her. I don't like blondes. However there was this one girl. She was a slender brunette and definite 10. I liked her so much I couldn't even look at her. Result? I always stared at the blonde which was her best friend and I didn't like. Short end of that story is that the blond kept trying to get close to me with silly remarks like ''why do you carry such a large bag with you everyday to school?'' or ''Whats in your bag today?'', ''When you look at me with which eye do you look?''. When I almost failed french class it finaly drew on me she was actualy hitting on me when she said ''You know if you want, I can tutor you at my place'' ... I actualy said ''No thanks''. Only after a crash puberty and isolating myself from my parents with their annoying remarks I actualy started developing a sense of sexuality. Too bad it would become too late for me, the next year classes got shuffled and I never worked up the nerve to talk to them again. As a little fun side note, I was in the nerdiest group in the class.

My later part of middle-school I discovered some pick up artist skills by reading alot of stuff on the internet about men and women and started formulating theories on how evolution worked and how it related back to women. I started out with the romantic bullshit you hear from women, what they want in a man. I felt that something was wrong with that and that there was a lack of equality somewhere. At one point I saw guys at school being jerks to girls and knew the instant the girl was attracted to him. I saw it before the guy knew it himself or the girl. I told my friends and they were amazed how I knew since they soon became a couple. A bad couple at that, the dude kept going out and kissing other girls even though his gf was a straight 10, a model now. I did a random search for ''nice guys can't get laid'' after watching the mask and thought there had to be a better answer out there. I found out about David DeAngelo and signed up for his newsletter. I kept it at that and read some of those once in a while. I think I only used like the routines like 3 or 5 times on my lady friends. With good results. My goal was to see wether it worked not actualy get them to like me sexualy.
I had met a canadian girl through an online game called everquest, boy she was a wreck. Depressive, suicidal, madly in love with an abusive boyfriend who'd hit her. I had found my weakness. I was smitten. She became my girlfriend after a trip to canada More on this later though. This was my doomgirl.

STORY 3, ‘’Stalkers beware’’

I had observed alot of people and thought I understood what their relations were and what they were based on. I became a bit cocky and boasted to my friends that it wasn't so hard to seduce a girl. They didn't believe me and told me to go seduce a girl. I don't know wether it was my luck or their stupidity. They pointed to the depressed goth chick. The next gym class I walked up to her and started hard running with her. Started striking up a conversation which eventually led to her boyfriend and she accidentally happened to dump him the next day *giggles*, after which she continued to stalk me for the next year, I kept busting her whenever her attention started going away. Just so my guy friends would tell me that my stalker was following me again. There was also this moment that her best lady friend walked up to me and said that I had to either be fair to her or stop doing it. I guess she was the only one that understood what was really going on. I just acted dumb like I didn't hear it. The end of that year my stalker had grown desperate and at the school party she grabbed me and asked me ''What do you think will happen if I push you into the door?'' (we were standing infront of the mens urinals)....
I looked at her from top to bottem and back, looked straight into her eyes. She licked her lips. And I said ''I don't think that's wise'' with the most arrogant-confident face in the world. I don't know wether she was furious or frustrated because she ran out. I couldn't fool with her in the boys urinals, for one, one of my buddies was taking a piss in the urinal next to it. Second, my gf was gonne come in 3 weeks and I felt bad if I cheated. I carry my promises till the end. And I knew that this friend would screw me over if I met my gf again. He was square and goody like that. I kept working this girl even after my girlfriend went back after the summer. The next school year she tried to ignore me and attract my attention that way. I just kept busting her balls whenever I felt like it and ignored her otherwise. At the end of the year while giving me a ride to the station on the back of her bike, she offered me sex, as a gift for her birthday. I declined. She was a 7.8 (body 8,8)

Another incident took place with one of my best friends girlfriends. She was asian. A very cute 8,5. I told him some tricks with the help of some other guy who was good with girls. He was the natural ladies man in our class. He did manage to get laid though with our advice. Took him 2 weeks and over 500 instant messages. But he was there and part of the gang. He made a huge mistake by becoming clingy and telling her he loved her before she told him. He insisted on meeting her parents on pushed alot. She really didn't like it and on a group scouting for colleges she tried to sneakily seduce me when we were alone. It happened when we were making a quick shopping side-trip. I went in together with her as her boyfriend split up with the other guys looking for some warhammer 40k stuff. I went in the ladies store to imagine what i'd be buying or outfitting my gf with for roleplay when she'd come over. I ignored my friends asian hotty and went daydreaming inside the store kinda flaunting myself I guess. She came to me a couple of times and asked what I liked, I said it wasn't the one to judge since I wasn't going to see it anyway. She checked out at the registry and told me I was different from other guys. That I didn't follow her every step and judge her. At this moment I was thinking ''Oh noes, she had better not be hitting on me, my poor friend, I can't stab him in the back''. I tried to spin the conversation into showing the positive sides of my friend (her bf) but it was not no avail. She kept giving me compliments. Our guy friends came over and we went for pizza. I ordered my pizza and they went to get it but were standing in a huge line and out of sight. She told me she wanted to study biochemistry so she could find a cure for my pretty eyes. I leaned in just slightly and she closed her eyes and puckered her lips. Oh shit I thought to myself. It's true. You seduced your friends girlfriend. You douche. ''That's nice.... boy I wonder whats taking your boyfriend so long with the pizza'' I said. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Nor backstab my friend.

BACKGROUND; ‘’Pussy wipped by a rug’’

My father is probaly the biggest pussy whipped AFC in the world. My mom broke up with him after the relationship went dead. I know exactly why now. He is the most boring bag of potatoes you have ever seen. He lacked everything this board stands for. He almost went as far as getting a mail order bride. My feeling is that he never did it because I found out and told him it was wrong. It is only now that I change my position to, an absolute disgrace to the male gender. After steering him away from the russian email babes who would fall in love with my dad after supposedly the first email and wanted to move to the netherlands and get married. He started dabbling in those cheesy foreign dating services. He was convinced that women in europe and specifically in the netherlands were not raised or grown up with the proper way of loving a man. I thought that was a rediculous notion. Regardless he met an indonesian woman who only got interested in him after he send an angry letter to her for not responding. (it is only now that I realize why she responded back, I was only 14 years old at the time and not into girls yet or dating).
He met her once in dubai, and the next summer they were married and we were holding the marriage celebrations with over 500 guests. I got dressed up like sinbad and carried a sweet sword on my back. I flirted with a cute deaf indonesian. I kinda stopped that after her whole family tried to set me up for an arranged marriage. Didn't seem so fun anymore. I was originaly just trying to lighten up her day since everybody was ignoring her. Also her much older sister (10 years older) made a pass at me when we were getting full body massages. Complimenting on my body and asking wether I really was as old as I looked. I thought that was fucking creepy...I can only laugh at it now.
My sis had a huge fight with my dad telling him that she only liked him for his money and his european citizenship. I personaly couldn't care too much, I was actualy sort of angry with my dad for being even more pussywhipped. We had a long conversation about conversion to islam before he married my stephmom. I personaly disliked islam not because of the 9/11 attacks, I actualy laughed at that and said USA had it coming (which is sort of true, but then again no one deserves to die, specialy not for sins they have not commited themselves. It was USA policy I was referring to, not the souls of those innocent people) but because I had actualy read the qur'an. I didn't like it's oppression and I specialy didn't like how every damn sentence began with god almighty the merciful, and would continue on into, commandments and ways people would suffer in the afterlife. It reminded me alot of nazi-fascism where the excuse was religion to justify the definitions and mannerisms. Long story short, my dad told me he was converting only in name to islam so he could stay in good favour with his wife's family. I agreed that this was a more favorable option considering the fact that her family would ostricize her for the act of marrying a non-muslim. I asked him wether she was aware that he was only converting in name. He said she was. Back in indonesia I found out after the marriage he forgot to bring that up. And after I slipped it she went into a crazy fit. I was furious with my dad for not telling me but I never let him notice and showed empathy for my stephmom cause I thought she was duped. And my dad lost a permanent sign of grace in my eyes having to sell himself out like that to win her heart.
I would later help her after she moved to the netherlands to adjust and mediated even some of the fights my parents had. In the end I would find out to regret having ever shown her any empathy. I found out she had been trying to send me off to some institutionalized school so she could hog my father all for her own and have a baby with him. Her one great desire, to have a baby. And I was in the way because I was keeping my father from moving with her back to indonesia where she wanted to have the baby. So if I was out of the picture it was all free game. I guess my dad did stick it up for me for once and he kept that bit of information mostly to himself untill I extracted it from him years later when I was fed up with him and his wife and moved to my moms. He had always defended me and wanted to keep me close to him. He didn't want me to know this about my stephmom because he knew it'd be just bad and he didn't want to lose me like he lost my sister. (after tha big fight in indonesia). He was to pussywhipped to end the marriage. In the end I think he narrowed his definition down of a wife to ''if it doesn't complain too much and has a proper hole'' he was game. I pitty him till this day and actualy avoid his wife altogether most of the times.

BACKGROUND: ‘’The pickup lady’’

So now that u met my dad, lets meet my mom. Yeah she's the opposite of my dad. She's like your PUA for women. She isn't ugly but I wouldn't call my mom hot either. Still she had a gazillion guys giving her attention. It was rediculous. She had guys as old as 18 try and give her small talk and flirts. Her 15 year younger lady friend who went clubbing with her was completely overshadowed by my mom and received barely if none attention. Quite franktly I'd like to forget all those pervy boys that went up to my mom. She did manage to teach my sis some hard core rules though, so I never had to be the caring brother. One of the biggest ladies man had started hitting on her and she was only warming up sooooo awefuly slowly that it drove him crazy. She ended up making him wait an entire year before having sex with him. Funny moment, my mom knew the exact day when it happened and asked my sister ''So how was ur first time? Did you guys try anal yet?'' after which my sister screamed and slammed the door shut of her bedroom. She did come out later and tell the whole story to my mom. My moms great, she should become a coach for women to manipulate men into nicer and more caring men. She turned a jerk she was interested in (I couldn't blame her) into a really nice guy she ended up marrying (only after she had completely transformed him ofcourse, he tried before but was shot down and put on a leash haha)

I don't think I need to describe my Ice queen sister and my two cats. Okay maybe I do. One cat had his balls ostricized and I don't think he ever recovered from it. Ever when he was born he had the biggest set of balls I had ever seen and was a total macho kitty. But after we had snipped him he was never the same. Where he once fought to find the outside world, we had to kick him out of the door now to see the daylight. We laugh at him for being an eternal virgin and always sucking up to our second cat. She was a kitty of neglect. My mom's husband hadn't taken good care of her, he had only provided her with food and a crapper, no love, affection or care. That kitty became completely autistic and is deadly afraid of any human contact. She is however a gorgeous kitty. By far all the male cats in the neighborhood are ligned up for her. And she quite franctly bangs all of them besides my first cat who just hopelessly tries to assault a white pillow and rape it. He never seems to finish the deed though, he's stuck in an enternal cycle of foreplay. Perhaps thats why my female cat won't have sex with him. He can't make that second move and she gets bored of his constant everlasting foreplay hehe.

Lets talk about DOOMGIRL. ‘’Do I care for her or do I really love her?’’

I'll make try to make this as quick as possible as not to overextend this introduction as I feel I already have done so quite vehemently. She was a canadian chick I met over a computer game (age 14). She was my weakness because I love vulnerable suicidal overemotional girls with attention disorders. I actualy knew this was a pretty bad idea before I started it. So I thought, if I could help her fix her problems whats the harm right?
Right....After talking her out of all that suicidal nonsense I decided to go for a casual vacation to canada (age 16) to meet her. By this time she seemed to had stabilized and had a boyfriend and the idea was that I was just a friend coming over. Boy that worked out differently. Turned out she got raped and then dumped by the same dude. I comforted her for the first three days with talking on the porch. Alot of sexual tension started playing when we did some rune predictions and started wishing the best for each other. I had been busting her balls since the day I came over. Busting on her ass, her supposed male mannerisms from haning out with wrestlers. By making her bring me beer and busting her on the fact she couldn't hold her liquor. She ate it up.
During the fourth nite we got it going after I had one of the silliest moments in my life. I never kiss-closed a girl before though. And this was before I even had the confidence that would result me in accidentaly attracting the asian and my stalker. Somehow she ended up asking me wether I wanted to kiss her. I told her I wanted to kiss her the day I saw her. She turned around and asked me wether I wanted to kiss her now. I said yes but didn't move and instead she moved ontop of me and started kissing as ferociously as you can imagine from a schoolgirl. She was sucking in my tongue and doing all kinds of other freaky shit with her tongue. I was baffled to be honest. After kissing and making out she wanted to fool around. So I told her that since I was new with this stuff she'd have to help guide me do the things to help please her. She agreed and I did what she told me untill she came time after time by simply licking her bellybutton and teasing her nipples and other erotic areas of the body.
The day after we had a trip to a park and that night she snuck in my room and had completely dressed herself up with black leather lace and her hair pulled back straight into a pony tail. She would teach me the ways of sex. Or so she thought....cause for some reason, eventhough she was smoking hot (definite 9 face, 10 body, but I loved her which is a 10)...everything blew it down there in my pants. Somehow every fear I could come up with was blocking me. Even the size of my frickin toenails started to freak me out...
The more she started to try and get me hard the less hard I got. I gimmicked my way mostly out of this bad nite by simply saying she had no power over me with her female sexual powers. She seemed to love this though hehe as it made her try harder but made it in the end more stressfull for me. I instead spend the entire night perfecting my game on making her orgasm as many times without her parents hearing about it or actualy having intercourse. I don't remember wether it was real or not but I had the hardest time putting a condom on, that thing felt so fucking uber tight it completely blocked any blood flow I had and didn't seem to completely roll down.

SIDENOTE: It is only now as I take a hit from my bong and shed tears, that I know I was in denial about my complete and utter depression and now I'm shedding tears for the first time after more than 3 years. I guess this is good it's a recognition of whats wrong and that I have to fix something.

The last few days of that vacation went so fast and I hardly had time with her alone. She tried to make me give her a couple of quickie while her mom went away from the laundry but I couldn't hold it together. I blamed it on the position or other circumstances. The last nite she tried one more time and I got really excited after she sucked, deepthroated and jerked me off. To be honest I had NEVER considered sex till this point. I had never dabbled in porn or anything. I only went as far as to stroke my cock on girls pictures to see what it'd do. I didn't know how to jerk off haha. The first time I even orgasmed was looking at stock charts lulz (age 13). Now I no longer wonder why I always score 80% right on my stock investments. Back to the story. I couldn't find it pleasurable what she was doing. Maybe it were the nerves. But I blame it on my lack of sexual development. Let's just say I jerked off by pulling circles around my cock. I never got circumcised and did it waaay wrong the first times and wasn't used to what she was doing to me. It was actualy oversensative so I did not feel any sexual arousal at all. She then went to lay on the bed and said ''Take me'', after which I kinda panicked not wearing a condom and whilst she was on the pill I didn't dare do this since she warned me before she didn't want to have sex with me without a condom and u know babies bla bla bla....I think I did make her trust me more when I said I wasn't some lame ass father that didn't take responsibility. I would be there for her in case it did go wrong. Aslong as we were protected it was fine. If anything did go wrong I would hold my end to support her if she wanted it. So there I was standing infront of her naked and her laying naked spread out so lovely and ready to be taken alive. I did believe in one thing, and that was that I wasn't going to force her to do anything she wouldn't normaly do. Knowing that I did make her plee for sex with me for the entire last week and a half of our vacation, I thought she might just be a bit confuzed. I whimpered that I should wear a condom and proceeded in opening one. To find out I suck at condoms once more. She even tried to put it on but really it didn't fit. I don't know what kind of tiny size they hand out at middle-school but that shit was rediculous. My cock was made into balony sausage. Getting rid of that thing I told her we'd try another time. She asked me wether I was sure. I asked her if she wanted me to have sex with her without a condom. I don't really remember the way she said it but I think it was a quite strict way saying no.
*if you manage to read this far, what do you think I should have done? pounded her pussy when I was fucking hard and she was begging for it laying spread out on the bed saying ''take me'' whilst knowing I wasn't wearing anything. Or do you think I did the right thing?*
I skipped the whole intercourse and continued on learning from her the best ways to make her orgasm as many times as possible untill the bed got so soaked it looked like someone had pissed themselves, and we went to her bed and slept together till the next morning.
I went back to the netherlands shortly after, I told her we didn't have a boyfriend girlfriend relationship because the distance just wasn't practical. She whimpered but I insisted and she finaly agreed. I told her she was free to date and see other guys. Just like I was with girls. If you've been reading this far you'll notice I had some oppertunities with sex a couple more times in middle-school but declined because I did in a way fall in love with her. She was in turn incredibly faithful and clingy the whole time, it was great teasing her for that year. I did make one big mistake. While I didn't commit to her completely in the relationship in terms of terminology, I did commit almost every nite to spend some time with her. My god can women babble about nonsense. It never ends. And when they got nothing to talk about, they'll fricking remind you of every little romantic thing you two did, but she'll say the same thing 100's. She wasn't good at busting my balls. I loved her or so I think. But she was really bad at busting my balls and wasn't good at sparking my arousal for her personality. I know this is sick but I was interested in her because she was so fragile. After I talked her out of all the crazy suicidal shit, she started doing good at school and was making good friends. I started doubting the last month before she came, I started losing interest because of her inability to bust my balls. However all I probaly needed was a second encounter with her in the flesh. I could only see her once every year as it was obviously a long distance relationship. Being so young as 16 to 17 years of age I could hardly spare the cash or the time to take a trip across the world.

Return of Doomgirl ‘’Questions that will not be answered’’

So this time she came to my place. I had prepared whole year learning how to actually jerk off and get myself ready for some actual action. But a couple of weeks before that she told me she wanted it safe with double dutch and me actually wearing two condoms. I totally freaked out in my mind, one was enough, I couldn’t handle a second. I quickly googled for using two condoms and found it to reduce the safety of the first condom. I busted her on that and told her she was unreasonable, after which she agreed but insisted on wearing atleast one. I told her that I loved her and had the mental dexterity to survive an entire relationship till marriage without having sex and I asked her if she could do the same. She conceded and we continued to have lovely detailed chat logs were we would have fictional sex without condoms . (she didn’t want me to enter her originaly without a condom until I married her or betrothed her)
It started out great, I surprised her from behind on the airfield and kissed her, to which she reciprocated with inviting me to the shower. Which was awesome. I love a woman in the shower. Something about them when their hair is wet is just intoxicating. After almost going into her in the shower she whimpered something a bit about condoms but couldn’t actually be too bothered while I was arousing her like crazy. I thought I’d be mean and nice at the same time for once, I continued to tease the fuck out of her by poking at her pussy with u know what and stopped it as she whimpered. I then stopped the shower and told her she needed to cool down. She agreed.
I took her to the city a day later, we bought condoms and some love toys at the local sexshop. I bought condoms with ribs, thought it’d be fun for her and maybe fun for me too. Back at the house we gave it a try and to be honest I still don’t like condoms. While arguably the ribbed condoms were an improvement, the lack of sensation one gets with a condom is bare nil. I was frustrated as hell. Could I not perform? Was it just the condoms? Why did she make such a fuss about it? Then again a lot of times she didn’t seem to care (or at least enough). One morning after sneaking out of the bed I hit myself hard on the bong, cleaned my throat afterwards (cuz I know she doesn’t like a weedy smell, even though I got her to kiss me and do all sorts of wicked things in my mouth in the past eventhough I was high as hell). Regardless I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable as I snuck up to her that morning.
Now from this moment on I have memory loss or it’s all too confusing for me. Not because I was high but because these were memories I never wanted to remember. They were my rise to heaven and crash and burn of my entire ego.
I had snuck up to her and started to tease her, she was very pleasantly awoken and we continued to tease each other. I got her soaping wet and actually squirting in my bed when I started teasing her. I got her begging so badly that before I did so I made her conscious once more that I wasn’t wearing anything. I asked her if she was okay with it. She just said my name. I told her that a real man stands up for his actions and takes responsibility. If anything might accidentally come of this I could not be more glad then that it was hers and I’d take my responsibility. She threw her arms around me and everything went normal from there….badda bing badda booom….finaly after having had sex without an orgasm a year earlier, I finally finished my period as a virgin for myself. However no matter how sweet that love making session was and no matter how much our bed would reek of juices at the end of that afternoon. It could not warn me of the emotional devastation that was to happen.
We cuddled for no longer then 3 minutes and I was ready to go again. She was excited that I was so quick and wondered if I could keep doing this the entire night. We went at it again and after our second half our love making session we had to prepare for the day because a friend was going to come over that same day. She proceeded to go to the bathroom after which she came back, gave me a smile and said something like ‘’yeah I had to get all your cum out of me’’. My stomack twisted and burned as if something was wrong with the way she said it. A tear almost fell from my eye but I turned away and said ‘’Ahhh, guess that’s normal to do?’’ to which she responded as it were the most normal thing in the world. But I could see she was having a bit of trouble with it as she was trying some weird belly movements to finish up her deed. I brushed it off thinking it was my paranoia. I wasn’t quite myself that next day and she brought the issue of condoms back up. (that’s her moms fault, she was telling her daughter to double everything, pills, condoms, gells, everything u ever read on contraception and more). I told her, fine look I don’t really need sex in a relationship. A relationship is really about trust and love for each other. Sex is just a nice gimmick for me, if you want I’ll wait with you till your marriage. But if you want to have sex this vacation with me, then you have to understand that *shows chart of birth risks* you’re being unreasonable. She concurred. And we did it again that nite. But this time I fucked her for I don’t know I think between an hour and two. The bed was now irrecoverably wet for the next whole week. However afterwards, even though I originally felt great. She went to her weird routine of cleaning herself again after 5 minutes of cuddling. I had choked and felt my heart scream as if I had done something wrong to her because she clearly seemed without ease. I barely got the nerve to ask her whether this was natural. She said it was a natural response. I smelled bullshit and on our trip to Paris I fucked her in the hotel room and faked my orgasm. She started again with the strange ritual and I was fed up in my mind. I asked her again what she was doing. She was telling me she wasn’t doing anything this time even though she seemed more panicked than before now that she couldn’t see any cum. She then went to try and push it out…but there was none.
I was fucking devastated in my mind. I had asked her three times the same question, three times I got a different answer, three times she lied to me. Three times it felt like I had hurt her. Three times it felt like I had made the biggest mistake in my life. I felt no empathy for her that night and didn’t bother to cuddle up and never did so afterwards actively. To be honest she had shattered all my desire for her. She couldn’t bust my balls. She lied to me three times and the continuous barrage of attempts to make me commit further to her were getting really annoying. I felt more distant while she kept trying to get closer. The closer she’d come without our problems solved, the further I’d try to run away from her.

Rollercoaster downhill. ‘’What drives a man?’’

I knew I should had ended it after that visit but I was too stupid. I ended up in a negative spiral where I continuously stayed up at night talking to her. At one point around 3 months after she was finally redeemed of all problems with herself and her environment. She was finally a stabile girlfriend. But boy was she fucking boring now. It was only after the doctor got her on some serious drugs for the removal of her wisdom tooth that she was able to actually bust my balls. And finally she got me aroused in a personal way. Sadly that was a onetime event.
I really got bored with her and tried sooo hard to make it work but I just couldn’t keep it up. I can’t be online every night talking to her and remembering every time those same moments we shared. Or talking about random nonsense continuously even if we already discussed it previously. I needed a break and I started sneaking away certain days, saying I was busy or doing homework. I mixed it up with some days of giving lots of attention and ignoring her the others because I just didn’t have the energy. Big mistake here is not telling her I was ignoring her. I guess she panicked a couple of times and called me when I was ignoring her. I would pick up and well….the conversation would start rather awkward, light up for 15 minutes as we shared (I finally recharged a bit when ignoring her) but go dead again as we’d run out of material to talk 15 minutes later. I’d hang up but it would never be long enough for her.
She found out I was ignoring her a bit and I think she panicked. She started pushing me on marriage and when I was backing off a little. She eventually came up with her ultimatum.
After I think a week of ignoring her she gave me a call telling me that this was no longer able to continue the way it was. She told me that something would have to change because she didn’t have the strength anymore to continue our relationship. I honestly didn’t feel any strength left either, I wasn’t willing to commit after having been bored to death for so long. During that talk she told me she wanted to return to our old way of a non commited relationship, I told her this was a sad thing to hear and that I didn’t feel comfortable with it. She said she didn’t either but that I could do something about it. With that she meant that I could ask her to marry her.
I never did, I was first kind of sad that she wanted to break up. But then again I understood that I had kind of driven her crazy by never stopping to bust on her and continuously ignore her for days on end. I knew that was really mean but she called me an abuser for it. Something which still burns when I hear the word. She even went as far as to compare me with her abusive ex-boyfriend and her rapist. I was furious but also heartbroken that this girl would tell me this after I loved her and cared for her so much. Sure I wasn’t online every day to talk to her but I did read her emails and if anything really urgent was going on I’d respond…
Then it just went stranger and stranger. I took a week off from msn and when I had logged back in she started to stalk me. We were talking like friends again. But she would always try to spin the conversation into our previous relationship. Telling me how much she missed me and wished things had never gone wrong. Things could be repaired could they not? I told her they could, anything is possible if you put your mind to it. She never got the hint that all she had to do was ask me back. But instead she insisted that I chase her.

‘’Chicks who snap are dangerous’’

One day she must have snapped and started talking to me in the most seductive voice over SPAM, telling me that she would give birth to an heir for her lord if he deemed her worthy. With this she meant me as her lord and an heir as my child. These were two of my weaknesses. She didn’t want to call me lord in the past because she thought it was derogatory for her. But she knew I had a fettish with this sort of thing. To this day I still can remember her exact words vibrating through my ears and sending chills to my spine with my entire body screaming yes yes yes say yes! But my mind said ‘’are u stupid…if you say yes you have to marry her’ ’ so I told her it was really tempting but I had to decline for the best of both of us. (I think if I had accepted I would have married her eventually but first tried to put her on a leash, I was so bored with her and honestly I was a bit crazy at the time)
Long story short is I kept ignoring her and she finally gave up on me I guess after she had snapped and had been turned down. She told me specifically, not directly, she said she had burned a piece of paper with her greatest wish on it on a fire, casting the wish away forever. I know what the wish was.
She took a new boyfriend soon after but kept complaining to me and she asked why we had never gotten back together. I told her it was simple. She never asked me to get back together with her directly. She cried and begged for everything to return to normal after another month. I concurred, I had actually started to miss her by now. I had finally gotten some rest in my mind, I knew she was dead set on marrying me. Maybe I could settle down. Albeit not on her grounds, since those were unreasonable and she just tried to dupe me into a marriage. I’d want to be the one to genuinely surprise her and ask her not be forced into this nonsense.
The day after she proceeded as if nothing had happened. She would later tell me that she didn’t get the feeling that I had really taken her back the previous day. That same day I too considered as if not too much had happened. I didn’t ask for it I was waiting for her to initialize the contact. She never did and I ignored her. She would later complain to me about her boyfriend again although she didn’t refer to him as such specifically when where talking. As the school year was drawing near a close she seemed a bit sad one day so I asked what was up and she said she had broken up and said goodbye to $insert name$, she said she really loved him and cared for him. I was actually confused at this point. Whether she was still in love with me or not. Could she love two people at the same time? I doubted it. I got angry.

‘’Fireworks!’’

Although I first just calmly asked her what she wanted of our relationship. She said she wanted to think about it, that she needed time and space. I know I was going down an AFC line but I couldn’t help become self-destructive. I actually started cracking. Maybe the first crack had appeared the day she had tempered down our relationship or maybe it appeared 4 months after when it finally dawned to me that she could easily love any guy that sprang in her path. Love is fickle I found out.
Too bad my AFC spiral was on a crash course to hell, no women or children were spared, even the fetus’s of children to come were scorched. It was a despicable sight and I was the pilot.
I started trying to embody her ideal of a man. I even went as far as to believe in soul mates and that nonsense. I’m a rational guy, that’s just not me. You could have guessed that none of that really worked out with her. By this time I had converted myself to an AFC. And actually for the first time in my life…I felt jealousy. I had never felt this. God what is that a feeling of despair. I wanted her for stupid reasons. I knew that.
So I denied my feelings for a long time. I denied my feelings for 3 years now. That makes me 21 now. How can I have let it come to this? I know I am better than this. But I seemed to have built up this wall around me in which I let no one in. It is time to break down that wall.
That’s why I’m telling my story, it’s a long one if you read the entire works. I congratulate you on your patience if you made it. I hope I did not disgust you out to much. If you have any commentary feel free to post your opinions on any subject matter.
If you think you’re feeling up for a sarge with me, send me a message. Although I must admit, I’m a newb…as in greener than green. This was my story to set things straight in my mind and find new goals. Think you can help me with that? Think you can improve my game? Live near Alkmaar Netherlands or or close by? Let me know, I want to see some game! Are you on!!!!?

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Couldn't see you coming.