Okay, for starters, here's a little background on me: I'm 37, living in SC, USA. Six-foot-three, 185 lbs., skinny and fair-skinned. I've always dealt with shyness my whole life, feeling like I'm on the outside, looking in. As I got older, it got a bit worse, in that at one point I was constantly on anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications. Valium was my best friend. At age 30, I made my self a vow to kick this need for medication, so I worked with my psychiatrist to ween myself off the meds. Took a little over a year, but I finally managed to work up enough emotional strength and social skills to put the pill bottles away. At this point, I still have a bottle of Valium in my medicine cabinet, but it's used only intermittently (prior to job interviews and first dates only), and only half a dose at most. Overall, I might use half a pill once a week on average. Beginning a conversation is always difficult for me, especially with complete strangers, but after a bit I usually relax and can keep the conversation rolling on my own. Opening is my weakness.

Anyway, I tried out the Newbie Mission upon joining this board, thinking that I should be able to do at least okay with it....man was I wrong. I had a major case of the nerves at the start of it! I calmed down about 5 minutes into it, but it still bugged me that I was a step away from locking up. So, I decided on a redo, with pretty much the same results:

here-vp351028.html#351028

So where does that leave me? Well, moving on to sarging my local watering-holes makes no sense at this point, so pickup is going to have to be shoved to the side until I can come up with a knock-out punch for this shyness. A lot of pickup has a focus on social interaction methods and the like, and these are usually general enough that they can be used day-to-day, not just for picking up dames. So, my goal is to use what I can glean from pickup on social interactions to combat my shyness and fix what you guys call my "inner game".

I know shyness is not the problem, it's just a symptom of my problem....my own fears, and those fears are based on avoiding the pain of emotional rejection from other people. But right now, the pain of loneliness is greater than my perceived fear, so I've got one hell of a motivator. So any help you guys can give me (whether it's a pat on the back, or a kick in the butt) is much appreciated.

Time to cowboy-up.....

Give yourself a pat on the back for being motivated, having some perspective and going out to do the newbie mission. There used to be a sticky here about a guy on these forums who had gone out to say hi and make conversation with people over a period of about 6 months. He reported in that thread on the difficulties and how it had changed him and made mim more sociable over that time. Maybe you could read that.

If you can find it be searching then good, if not then hopefully someone else remembers what I am talking about. Anyway, I don't have advice beyond that right now.

Thanks for the encouragement. Right now, I'm working from a book on phobias called "The Inner Prison" by Glemekie, and am trying to apply what is there to my own fear of approaching strangers. Even though it's an old book (1979!), everything is still pretty relevant....it even has a section on social anxiety disorders!

In it, he outlines that a patient needs to create a "ladder of fears", where they list 20 situations that they fear within the realm of their particular phobia. Once that's done, they grade each one on a scale from 1 to 100 (100 being heart-attack fear), without repeating any one number, and re-list them in order according to grade. After that, their job is to approach each scenario, from lowest to highest, one at a time, over and over until each fear score is only half of it's starting score....only then do you move to the next fearful situation. If you get stuck at a particular scenario and repeat it 10 times without lowering your score by half, start all over from the beginning (with new scores).

Also, here's a wild tangent I just realized: How screwed up is it that our parents told us to never talk to strangers when we were growing up, yet it ends up being one of the traits that defines our success when we're adults. Man, talk about issues with one's parents.

First of all mate, you really really do deserve a pat on the back. I mean just look at how much shit in life you've been through, and yet you're here and your still trying to move forward! Wow, mate, wow. You really do have to be messed up if can't see your own immence strength! You've been through emotions most will never understand! Ya know, this life, its a funny one, some people just get fucked up by others, and are left. And then their forced to spend the rest of their life getting over the problems that was given to them.

If I were you I would just not try get rid of being shy, instead, why not just accept it? Whats wrong with you as you are? Why are you so bad? Whats so wrong with neing shy?

If you wnet up to women and said; "Hello, can I tell you something? I think your such a beautiful women and I would really love to get to know you, but Im so bloody shy, I'm intimidated by you!"

~If this is how you feel, then why hide it? Because you're pathetic, look back at your life, your troubles, how you be pathetic? How can anyone be pathetic if they have emotionally rebuilt themselves for this long?

What's wrong with being shy?!? How about feeling like the loneliest person in a crowded room? Or missing out on interacting with great people, simply because my mind is going crazy with worst-case scenarios? And forget about using the shy angle as a pickup line! I have difficulties just saying "hi" to complete strangers.

I thought I had a handle on this issue after working for about 6 months on storytelling and other skills on keeping a conversation going, but I made the mistake of working with co-workers and friends I know. I was pretty pumped, and thought I was ready to take the next step with PUA. The Newbie Mission, although it's meant as a quick first-step into the PUA world, has very quickly exposed a serious flaw in my social skill-set that I need to get a handle on.

I do appreciate the encouragement. It's just frustrating because I've spent half a year working on the wrong social factors. I know I can do this, because it becomes fairly effortless after 10-15 minutes on the Newbie Mission. I guess by then my mind has exhausted all the stress factors and has no choice but to relax. My hope is that by my continuing to do this, I'll eventually wear down this 37 year-old bad habit and replace it with socially better habits.

I think you've interpreted what I meant wrong. Although you've hit the nail on the head with the last paragraph. Let me say it again;

If you went up to women and said; "Hello, can I tell you something? I think your such a beautiful women and I would really love to get to know you, but Im so bloody shy, I'm intimidated by you!"

Do you not see the contradiction?

You talk about habit, and you can't get round this habit of being socially awkward. However, to break this habit you need to start a new one! By going up to a women and being honest about how shy you are, in fact your not being shy at all! Your being confident and honest!

Shyness exists because your afraid to speak the truth, THAT YOUR SHY!!!

So clearly the way out is to be honest!!! To reveal the shyness in front of others!!!

Let others help you! We're not a bad bunch ya know!

Give in, admit your human, don't shy away your problem of being shy around others. Let them in.

You see, your trying to think your way out of a problem thats manifested in your feeling!

You have no chance!

You'll be in the same place forever, if you don't learn how to develop yourself emotionally!

Your skimming a stone across a lake of emotion.

By doing this approach your not trying to get anything from the women at all, your actually doing it to be honest with yourself!!! WOMEN WANT TO HELP YOU!!! They are not the enemy!!! But because your hiding everything they just can't feel connected to you, and they feel they cant trust you!!!

Break out!!! Let go!!! Why should you have to go through 15 mins of uncomfortableness, to get to be relaxed??? Why??? Your bad habits is the fact you just think everything inside yourself is worthless and embarrassing, but your not. You have an amazing character hidden underneath!! And it can come out everytime you wish, by just opening up, telling people what you really think!!!

The freedom of honesty!

And you can only help yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLFQYbjYsso

might i suggest, not necessary, but you could join a gym.. its more motivating than trying to work out at home, but when i used to go the gym, i felt alot better about myself, it gave me more confidence in my appearance and overall health, and a great way to reduce stress.

So if you messed up with someone/didnt like the way the situation went, go work out, pump some iron, and think "hell yeah imma better myself and own that situation next time!" Great way to bring your confidence up.

do this

and take up a hobby that will bring u to socialize with people over a common interest

I appreciate all the responses, thanks for the feedback.

Been out of town on a temporary gig in order to get some money in my pocket. Although I was working 10 hour days, I did manage to get out and try to say "Hi!" to people at least every other evening at the local mall. I am making progress, but it's painfully slow. I know I can't get rid of 30 years of bad habits in just a few weeks, but it's getting to be a grind and is slowly depressing me. The only real progress that I can confirm is that the 3 Second Rule is starting to become internalized for me. That is, if I'm looking around for someone, I make sure that once I lock into someone, I immediately go up to that person and attempt to chat with them. This nullifies a lot of the stress of the initial encounter, so I am DEFINITELY a believer now.

One funny event though: I ended up getting busted while doing my ongoing Newbie Mission. I ended up going to the mall about 4 times, and as luck would have it, on the last night one of the store employees came up to me and asked, "You've been in here several times before. Is there something in particular I can help you find?" Although this shot my stress levels through the roof, I actually prepared for this. I just told the girl the truth and laid out that I have issues with social anxiety, and that I was practicing going up and saying "Hi!" to people. She commented that I didn't seem like I was having that big of an issue with her. I told her thanks, but that is was just a show, and that on the inside I was a total wreak. Conversation flowed like a river after that, and I got her number.

Thanks Hobbit. I actually got a copy of The StyleLife Challenge (his 30-day boot camp book), and I like a lot of what I see, so I've got plans to do this. My only issue is that my main problem is engaging absolute strangers, so I'm trying to focus on that right now. I want to be able to walk up to a person off the street and have a simple conversation without butterflies in my stomach and a lump in my throat!

I guess what I'm saying is that what should be a simple case of shyness for most, is a borderline mental illness for me. I've ducked dealing with it for a long time, so I'm going to have to grind my teeth and just do it. I guess nothing good ever comes easy!

Check out Brad P. and his "steps to social freedom" he is a big Guru on Social Anxiety, and if I'm not wrong he was the first one who differentiated social anxiety from AA.....

Cheers

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V3nu

You seem to be on a good path to get rid of your old behaviors!

I was about to suggest you go out of town to try to make more 'hi' approaches. I did that when I fist started. I figured nobody there would know me so there would be absolutely no risk to approaching and failiing. It did help me some.

Another thing that I did or changed to help me is to ask a lot more things to ramdom people. Random things to random people. I would verbalise my internal question to people that just happened to be there. Let's say I saw an ambulance on the other side of the road. I could just ask anybody aournd me 'Hey do you know what happened there?'. If I was in a grocery store, I could ask people 'Excuse me, do you know if they have roasted chicken here?'. Guys girls, old ladies doesn't matter. This helped a lot to remove my anxiety.

Good luck!

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Drink me, make me feel real
Wet your beak in the stream
Game we're playing is life
Love is a two way dream

@TheJ: I agree and am currently still doing the "Hi" approaches, with maybe 4-5 sentences after each, then exit. Mixing that with the "random" approach....my fave is using the "What time is it?" angle (from my Newbie Mission posts):
Feel free to critique my "Step Two".

@Hobbit...

On "Systematic Desensitization": Am familiar with it, and am working on it through the Newbie Mission, as noted in the OP of this thread.

On "Bolognese Opener": Although that's pretty good for most, I would have issues with it, as I have a tendency to "think too much" prior to approaching and would end up talking myself out of approaching eventually. I do like the end of that thread, where he's talking about Kindergarten 101 opener..."What are you fingerpainting? It looks like a silly flower!", and how we've all seem to have lost a bit of our natural social skills along the way.

On the Newbie Mission: Check OP.

On Approach-Anticipation-Excitement: I don't dig Tony Robbins at all, but I can relate to the post. Somewhere along the line, my mind and body have mistaken Excitement with Nervous Anxiety, and have been reinforcing that behavior ever since. This is an inner game issue, and it's going to take a long time to grind away that particular mental barnacle.

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Okay, so the last few days I've spent down in Florida with some friends and family over Memorial Day. Pretty good time overall. That said, one issue cropped up that I want to clarify: Is it possible to work game on someone who is drunk or otherwise impaired by some sort of "party favor"? (yeah, you know what I mean!) Stayed with some friends-of-friends while down there, and they were hard-core partiers. I don't smoke, don't really drink more than 2 or 3 drinks in a single night, and don't do drugs. My friends, as well as their friends, did all of the above and then some. My question is whether it's even worth it to work on my social skills in such a setting, or am I DLV since I'm not engaging in the activities of the group, therefore lowering my social proof?

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