Chris, work on talking to other girls your'e not so into, to the point where you aren't too afraid to approach those group of girls as a group.

How do I make a open relationship exclusive ?
I doubt that by talking I can change too much. Or should i just go with "the flow" and forget about it ?

If a girl is attracted enough to you, and thinks she might lose you, that's how an open relationship becomes monogamous. You're right that words won't do that.

Of course if she really REALLY doesn't want to be monogamous, that's going to be an internal struggle for her, vs how attractive you are to her.

So yeah, just keep an eye on her vibe to see how attracted she is to you. If you think she might really want to hang onto you if you act like you're losing interest, you can try it out. If not, stay cool. You can't change anything by getting anxious over it. Just keep learning what to do and what not to do, through experience.

Ask yourself though, do you want to be monogamous? I used to think I did, until every time I actually had the opportunity I instantly started thinking about all the fun I'd miss out on, I really enjoy the flirting process. And then I realised I only wanted an official "girlfriend" as a form of validation.

yep added on top :

you can't logically talk to woman ( unless they are aware of the problem and eager to change ), you should watch the ''emotional thermometer '' instead. Go with the flow.

chrisslinky you are expecting a certain outcome, you value communication with her way too much. (In most cases : )In order to get a girl you need social proof because most woman hang around with groups of people , when you got the respect from other people it's easier to isolate your target.
Having other people around can have benefits - let them work for you and not against you if the whole group likes you you probably get the alpha role, however there is a difference between being a entertainer guy or a sexworthy guy.
entertainer is someone who can entertain himself in presence of other people but the sexworthy guy got certain boundaries and a certain awareness of value of self.
you are not aware of your own value and you don't have the courage to step up and pull her away. you have enough chances you just don't use them. you are probably not afraid of that group but you are afraid when she's hanging around that group.

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Hey Lode I've got one for you

I'm currently dating a girl who can be passionately loving as well as passionately cold. She lets her emotions get the best of her and thus can be the sweetest most loving girl. But she sometimes takes her frustrations out on me. I feel she gets jealous whenever I tell her about certain successes in my life.

She also is the type to jump to conclusions based on small actions or things I say to her. When she gets upset she rejects me and won't even allow me to hold her or touch her. She also looks into the future a lot, and there may be a time where I will have to go back home for a few months in the summer and be away from her, which gets her instantly really upset. Whenever I try to reassure her or try to ask her why she is so critical of me she turns it on me for not being able to understand her.

My question is, how exactly do you treat/react to someone like this during fights and arguements? She makes me feel useless, I can't make her feel better no matter what I do; rather, it seems like it just makes her unhappy because she's extremely insecure about the possibility that I do not genuinely love her and excel at certain things that she doesn't.

Thanks

Aliyosha

actually this is normal behaviour nowadays , most people suffer from a mental dysfunction. Mental dysfunction doesn't mean retarded or a real physical mental disease , what it means is that certain behaviours or certain thoughts which compromises your identity and sense of reality have formed a consistent pattern.
in simple words she gets (probably constantly) thoughts in her head which she doesn't like - your own mind tricks.

So what are the symptoms of a mental disfunction ?
Why is there one-sided frustration in a relationship ?( both are linked )

First of all the frustration in a relationship , frustration is not the same as anger or contempt. Everytime a girl gets emotional she is investing into the relationship , she is actually showing her real face and her real (problems )self - it emerges. So you can say it's some form of openess and honesty , she trusts you enough to be emotional around expressing herself - this mean you have a serious or solid relationship. Hating someone is also giving attention , i had some people hating me 24/7 ( mediocre people ) but i also realized they were wasting time on hating me they were investing in me in some twisted way. Love can turn in hate and Hate can turn in love , it's human nature to love something , destroy it and again back to loving it. this is a good thing , the only thing you have to do is accepting her and her emotions - she is just who she is and she is expressing herself to you, you should accept her. A relationship isn't only love but also sharing other things like frustrations, it's the interaction between to people ( notice the word interaction ).

Mental dysfunction People who are being led by their mind could also be led by negative manifestations - Negative thoughts which were probably present unconciously for many months. She has certain negative thougths about herself which she correlate to her identity , the point is you are not your mind - otherwise we would be all the same. some people get depressed and say : '' i am depressed '' .... they are not ''it '' because if they ''are'' depressed you should be depressed all your life. it's only temporary but people often identify with certain thoughts either positive or negative.
everytime you tell her or show her this she gets confronted with her own repeating thought : '' i don't have anything '' or '' im failure '' or '' i don't do what i like to do ''. if a girl got raped while looking to a red painted wall - guess what she will be thinking if you show her your red painted room. Comparing and being a victim is also part of a mental dysfunction , after long negative manifestations people will treat themself like the ''world is against them '' because other people are happy and they are not - instead of confronting their own behavioural patterns they point fingers and take up a victim mentality - victim mentally is a luxery to keep in the comfort zone. People need to realize in order to be happy you have to work hard for it in a financial / spiritual / physical way. if you are negative about certain things this will be present in your subcommunication/ your interactions to other people , if you are negative guess how people will treat you ? She's not jealous , you confront her with her own issues and lack of self acceptance.
Important symptom of a mental dysfunction, looking in the future out of fear , in most cases fear of losing something which is very important. Your present thoughts will be the ''possible'' or '' probable'' outcome in the future, if you have negative thoughts in the present moment you also have negative thoughts about the future. what you invest in the now will be a result in the future thus time is not really time, not faith and so forth - it's arbitrary. Your present behaviour / state can change in a split second thus the probably outcome changes. However if you are stuck in a negative state your dysfunctional mind forms constant negative thoughts about the future - only out of fear. The more you are present/concious in the present moment the better your future will be , if you are not concious of the importance of the present moment you will fear certain outcomes because you are not realizing your own destructive behaviour.

Your mind is a tool to aid you with certain things, mathematics , memorizing names of body parts, studying language and socializing etc. when your tool gets self destructive - meaning the tool becomes ''you '' and you indentify with it you are having a mental dysfunction, There is no reason to waste time on negative thoughts when you can do positive things in your life. People who commit suicide identify with every negative thought and it's the only thing they create - it is a extreme case where a person is living with a mental dysfuntion for years until it develops in a real physical mental disease.
conclusions ... scenarios formed in her mind , it doesn't have to be 100 % identical, 1 % in reality is enough for her to freak out. When people are in subconcious state of fear they cannot show love , they push you away because unconciously they know you are the one confronting them with their issues.

So :

1. '' certain'' symptoms of mental dysfunction which are at place her
2. Certain Emotional interactions and the meaning behind them.

the conclusion is that she is having self defeating tendencies , the cause of this is a negative self-awarenes - something similar like a midlife-crisis. it does her make feel small and unvalued resulting in a lack of self-love and a lack of self-acceptance. most people know who they are , she does not know who she really is.
now you know it's not your fault and it's not personal , the reason you feel useless is because you take it personal. You can't change someone unless the person is willing to change her/himself , no matter how much energy you spend you won't get the desired result, therefore im telling you to release any outcome and to accept her 100%.

what can you do ? you can have certain conversations like '' what you want in life ''etc , in depth conversations. Since she got a mental dysfunction you can talk about the future in a postive way - this way you dismantle some negative thoughts of her. Whatever you do support her and don't judge her , if you judge people who are emotionally expressing themself they shut and close. She can become cold during conversations like this but the coldness she is showing is just because she doesn't love herself at that particuar moment thus she cannot give love at that particular moment.
a girl only allows you to love them as much as they allows themselfs to , in most cases on particular moments. Her behaviour is not bad or good , it's just honesty and in most cases you fail to understand it.

She knows what her problems are - her inner game issues, but she does not want to tell you seriously about them out of fear - fear you won't understand her. now with all this information you will understand her.

good luck

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Hey Lode

Thanks for the reply, this makes a lot of sense with respect to a lot of the personal I thought I gave towards her actions.

I understand that I have to support her, but I have a problem and I was wondering if you've ever encountered it with your past relationships. One thing she emphasizes is that she doesn't like to be left alone when she's upset. This can be a problem sometimes when I say or do something that ends up upsetting her, in which she becomes cold and just tells me to go away and all. Sometimes, I can't end up staying and trying to reassure her for hours; I go to school and I can't just skip my prior engagements. What would be the best way to deal with such a situation if she has mental dysfunction?


Thanks

Hey Lode (and thanks for everything in advance),

So my questions is simply whats the best way for cementing a girls undying loyalty and love. I'll give you a little background on my situation so you can form a more complete answer.

I have been dating a girl I met in school for about a year now. We are both highly educated (each obtaining a Ph.D currently). Things started out casual and gradually became more serious and currently I know that she is kind of crazy about me. This is very good because I really enjoy her company a lot. The sex is great and constant and the rest of it is superb also. But...

The problem is she will be graduating in 2 months and leaving town to live about 2-3 hours drive away. I know that she wants to do the long distance relationship thing which I already told her I could have a problem with. I also want to give it a try.

Which brings me to my question: How do I cement her loyalty and undying love. I don't want any quick gimmicks and am willing to put in the work it takes to accomplish this. I know it isn't an easy task and you might not be able to come up with a good answer but I have liked the advice you have given to other people here so I thought I would ask. (Always up for learning new things.)

One more thing... to note is that she has already told me that she believes that I am the love of her life and that she will do anything to try and please me as much as I please her. She really is a very giving and competent lover/partner and while I know that I would still have a very fulfilling life without her I want to keep her in my life.

Any advice is appreciated. Cheers!

-10

just do what you like, some people need to grow up - you are not her babysitter. just support her when you got time, don't mess up school. Just tell her where you are going.

_________________
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Tenasscious

you can't cement someones loyalty and love , at least not like you want. Loyalty has much to do with her social conditioning - how her parents treated her - just her past and present enviroment in general. If you don't have the value in the relationship , lets say if you become chode there would be no reason to continue hooking up.

The value you offer and emotions you cause are criteria for love , the reason why people cheat is that they are screwed in the head or their partner does not offer any value / positive emotions. You must release any ideas/thoughts about keeping her in your life -especially when it's a LDR, when you want something you will probably subconciously trying to get it with or without force.

It sounds stupid but in order to get what you want you need to release all expectations and invest into the relationship being authentic. Being not doing - love is being and you don't have to say it or prove it on concious purpose.
believing her and believing she will love you should be enough - trust her and don't try to cement anything - the reason you are posting here is because you are afraid you will lose her. You are posting here out of a minor subconcious fear and reacting on ''this'' manifestion will only make it grow.

she already said you are the love of her life ... what else do you want ? just think about it..... her telling you this should be enough right.. don't you believe her ? she also needs to graduate and you need to respect it - that means you don't invest more than she can handle.
my advice : Encourage her to graduate and encourage her to do everything she possibly can do , don't suffocate her with your relationship. Missing you could also be hard for her and meanwhile she has to focus on graduating. If you act like something is wrong she will notice it , woman are good at reading social cues ( well... most of them) Just don't make a big deal out of it.
There are guys operating in afganishtan and they don't see their girlfriends / wives for many months or more likely; a year , in your case ... it's only 2 or 3 months.

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Jealousy:

I am in a long term relationship (4 months), but sometimes i feel lots of jealousy, cuz of my gf and her friend.
They write lots of stuff on FB walls to eachother that i dont like and that piss me off(eg. he posted a video "I will come in your dreams" and sad "just warning").
Also one I went to internet club and saw my gf there talking to this guy and when she saw me she closed his window without looking what that dude told her.
This is going on for more then one month

Now, she tells me I am way different (she is saying this from the beginning), that I am good kisser, when we go out she allways say she missed me. Also 15-20 days ago we didnt talk for 3 days cuz I was busy and the attacked me saying that I need to at least ring her once a day....

Now I am not jealous all the time, I dont even think about this only when I see this stuff on her FB profile.

What should I do? This really annoys me but I dont want to look like needy.

edit: I am not sure if they know each other in RL, cuz this guy is studying in another country, but they will definitely meet when he comes back.

Regards

Well with the FB stuff, if it's getting more than friendly, you can - in a friendly way - assert your authority as the boyfriend, just like in real life. In fact if you don't, that's bad and can actually be a reason for her to lose attraction.

It's got to be the right situation though. Like, I have a couple of female friends who's boyfriends know me well, and even though the interactions between her and me might look like flirting - 1. she instigates most of them, and 2. the guy knows me well enough to know I'm not a threat and would never do anything wrong like that.

But if you barely know some dude who's getting closer and closer to your gf and not even doing the courtesy to get to know you (like he should in real life), then it's time to say a thing or two, just subtlely.

Like on Facebook, if this guy you don't know said "I'll come in your dreams..." you might comment on that post and say "Hey, knock first! We might be up to something in her dreams, and that would just be embarassing, walking in on that..." your own words of course. But before you try to word it, you must remove all thoughts of jealousy from your head. She is your gf, you are just letting him know that.



Also - if you approach a person at a computer, and suddenly when you arrive they are sitting at a BLANK DESKTOP and turn to you and start talking quickly "Hey,what's up, blah blah blah", they are hiding something. No doubt about it.

Maybe she is flirting with him, but you can't "stop that" by force. The only way is by being more attractive. Don't get jealous, don't get angry, but do set boundaries, and mean them.

And realistically, it's easily possible the conversation was private for whatever reason - maybe she's consoling that person in chat, who knows. Still, if I shut a window in front of my partner, I'd expect them to be suspicious, so I'd say "No you can't see this - very private conversation " and explain roughly why.

Personally I think you should just tell her - "We have an open and honest relationship, don't we. I just want you to know that if anything was going on, I'd have the guts to tell you. I wouldn't do it behind your back." Don't be confronting or agressive. Put this to her in a way that shows that you expect to have some reasonable explanation for her behaviour. It's not easy, but do your best to remain calm and try not to provoke her. If she is immediately defensive and accusing you of jumping to conclusions - and you have tried your best not to - then "Thou dost protest too much, methinks"... in otherwords - that is the behaviour of someone trying to hide guilt.

He posted a video, some love song that has that title, and he wrote "just to warn you", and she answered "warning taken seriously ", i like what you wrote so I will write that
It wasnt blank she was on msn and window was blinking, contact Ado (thats the name of that dude) wrote something, so she just closed the window without opening it and seeing what he wrote.

thx for your answer

Sometimes when I tell my girlfriend jokes she'll respond by saying "I'm so weird" whereas in the past she'd basically think everything I did was hilarious. Now she doesn't find me as funny. I usually play this off last time I joked that she lost 10 points for missing out on a sexual joke, and she said "it made no sense because it was random". Where am I going wrong now where I wasn't before? Am I reading too much into this?

Odds are there's something else you're doing/not doing, the relationship in general... it's not your jokes. Think about the times you've had a really good time with her (or any girl) and even the littlest things seemed entertaining or hilarious. So it's how well you're getting along. It's something about the relationship in general, the way you're behaving.