With a little spare time to kill on a Wednesday night in town, I found myself in the self-help section of Chapters, browsing for a better me. There were lots of those cheesy 'Be a Better YOU" books, many similar titles, but not too much caught my eye over anything else. Except this one book - 'How to Win Friends & Influence People' - a modestly sized little book, advertised on the front as "over 70 years in print". Skeptical, I picked it up and read a few pages, and as I glanced over it, the occurrence came to me that I had heard of this book before. People have talked about it, I've been told it was a very good read. For 10$, I thought I'd pick it up. Might as well, right?
Well, over the next few days I read this book for about 2 hours a day (two one-hour bus rides to school). Personally, I've been stuck in a rut for a month or two now, which happens every once in a while. I needed a pick me up, a hobby, something to hurdle me over this plateau. I think this may have potential. I have to say, I have already learned much more than you would expect from such an old book, and more than I thought would occur to me from 10$ killing time.
So, of course, I started trying to relate this info to the community. How all these lessons relate to pick-up.
The book basically works like this. It is broken up into four major parts, each outlining a broad topic in elements of working with people. Within each major part is a certain number of lessons per se, each teaching a fundamental aspect that is tried and tested and proven to work towards success with not only women, but people in general. As this course is written for general relations success, the specific connections to pick up and success with women have to be made independently. The book is written by a man named Dale Carnegie, who was a very successful business owner and specialized in training other business people like himself to work better with other people. You would think it would be dated, being 70 years old, but what is so fantastic about these lessons is that they are timeless, and although some of his references and phrases are outdated, none of the morals are.
So, for the sake of your attention span, and keeping this post as concise as possible, I leave you with the first part of the book, including three parts. I have analyzed these and will post the bear essentials of each lesson along with how *I believe* it relates to pick up.
The further assessments of parts of the book will be posted in installments as I finish them. I apologize if I ramble about this for too long, which I probably already have. Enjoy the post! (PS: You might want to pick this book up at your local book store; one of the best ways to use a ten dollar bill).
-----------PART 1: FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE---------------
Lesson 1: Don't criticize, condemn, or complain.
The first lesson in this book is titled with a quote - as are many of the lessons in this book as you will learn - stated as thus: "If you want to gather honey, don't kick over the bee hive". Now, I will spare you some of the more metaphorical references and stories that lengthen the post unnecessarily, but there is a reason that the author puts this quote in there. Think about it as we go on with this lesson. It's a perfect match. (Sorry if this is sounding like an english report so far).
The first essential lesson taught is this:
Quote:
“Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.”
This is something that the community can really learn from. To most, criticism seems a natural, everyday thing. But the fact is, most people are also self-absorbed. It’s just part of human nature. Human’s put their own feelings first as a means for survival. It’s the whole survival of the fittest principle. And, so, one may herald their own opinion before someone else’s emotions or reasoning. We will come back to this in the next lesson, but it is important to note that criticism is a selfish thing.
Also, I have noticed in my own experience, especially after reading this lesson, that it is difficult to converse without involving the criticism of a peer. Nothing brings two people together like mutual hatred, right? I found that without criticizing, or complaining, for that matter, conversations had to resort to other topics that may be deeper than shallow topics such as “I hate _____ so much!” or “I don’t want to be here!”. Criticism is easy to get addicted to, and much harder to stop. But believe me, it is an unattractive behaviour.
Another fact, found in a study by psychologist B.F. Skinner, is that animals react to praise more effectively than criticism, and will learn new habits easier when praised. This applies to humans too. So, instead of criticizing your friend or target / girl next time she does something wrong, try praising what she does right.
Frankly, and as established, people generally react badly when criticized. But how do they react when praised? More positively, and their feelings towards you will probably be a bit more positive as well. Criticism leads to defensive behaviour, arguments, and more, but praise can lead to mutual benefit.
My challenge to you is to go a whole day without criticising or complaining. Try to see things in a more positive light. Look at the good in people, not the bad. Praise what you like, ignore what you don’t.
LESSON 1: Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
----------LESSON 2------------
Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Everybody likes to feel important. In fact, it is one of the fundamental needs that people strive for in life, along with food, sleep, sex and fulfillment. A feeling of importance is hard to define accurately, but basically it is how people feel comfortable with their ego and where they are going in life.
To get someone to do something, you need to get them to want to do it. Do you think by handing out criticism and telling people to do things because you want them done will make them want to do it? No. You need to show that you care that the person does things for you, and that you can step into another’s shoes. Yes, the phrase holds true. If you can step into someone else’s shoes, it will take you a lot farther than if you only ever walk in your own.
Honest and sincere appreciation are so often overlooked. “Everybody likes a compliment”, as Lincoln once said. It is important to remember that, in order to work well with other people, you need to show honest and sincere appreciation for what is done for you. Appreciate people, and you will be appreciated on a different level.
This doesn’t mean go complimenting every girl you see. The community has already established that “You’re pretty” or “You’re sexy” doesn’t work. And experience says the same. So, isn’t that appreciation? No, that is flattery. It isn’t honest or sincere. You aren’t saying “you’re pretty” because you are so taken back by the girls prettiness that you couldn’t walk away without saying it because it is such a great truth that it needs to be stated and appreciated. You are saying it because you want to get into the girls pants. You are saying it because you want something and you are disregarding what the girl may or may not want or need. So, how do you show honest appreciation? When you like something, or take special interest in a feature of someone, or something they do, show it. Let it out. Tell the janitor that you admire his / her work and that they do a great job. Tell that girl that you really like her shoes. Tell your mom that you appreciate how hard she works. Tell your friend that you truly appreciate their friendship. Sounds cheesy, but it’s true.
Quote:
“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.
-----------LESSON 3--------------
Arouse in the other person an eager want.
This chapter starts with a quote: "He who can do this has the world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way." This quote really sums up this chapter of the book. The skill being outlined and referred to, here, is the ability to arouse in another person an eager want to do something that you want them to do. This ability is so simple, and makes so much sense, yet it is so much easier to overlook it. Remember, we humans are selfish creatures. We tend to think of our own desires far before even considering others. It's one of the reasons we're not extinct.
But notice that there is a mutual 'want' in this skill. To arouse in others an
eager want to do something that
you want them to do is to agree to mutual benefit. You are not wasting your time by making them do something that only they want to do, and you are not being completely selfish by trying to get them to do something that only you want to do. It is most preferable when both people want something. If it is at first not as desirable in the other person, ask yourself "How can I make this other person want do to this?"
Indeed, this is the question you should be asking yourselves in any social situation in which you want something of the other person. In PUA, that might be a hookup, or a number. In the business world, that might be a new client, a raise, or a job. In any aspect of life that involves social situations, you need to ask yourself this question; "What does the other person want, and how can I tie this into what I want?"
You need to make the connection between the two desires. This isn't as complicated as it sounds. Analyze what you want, and what the other person wants. Then, look for similarities, linking points, possible ways to connect the two different desires. The more similar they are, the easier this generally is.
Dale Carnegie's writing is superb (much better than mine, so I recommend getting the book) and his lessons all seem to intertwine in such a natural and logical way. The second lesson about learning to appreciate others ties into this as well. In both skills, one must see a situation from another person's perspective. In order to see what the other person wants, you need to put yourselves in their position and see things how they see it.
----------WHAT TO DO NOW--------------
So you've got the bear essentials of the first part of this book, and I hope you have learned these valuable lessons fairly well:
1. Don't criticize, condemn, or complain.
2. Show sincere and honest appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Remember these, as they truly are the fundamental principles in handling other people. If you master these skills and lessons and learn to integrate them with who you are, you will find yourself an improved person. As the quote states, "those who can do this have the world with them. Those who cannot walk a lonely way." This applies to all of the lessons.
So, next time you're out somewhere, with a friend, a girlfriend, family, at a party; remember these rules. Apply them. Ask yourself how you can apply these lessons to your particular situation. Try going for a day without criticizing or complaining. Try showing honest and sincere appreciation to someone at least once a day. A compliment will do. Next time you want someone to do something for you, try to involve what they want and show them how they can get it by doing this.
Please leave your honest opinion on this topic, and any suggestions or appreciation.
CHAT
