hi there!

i got into a messy situation with a guy..its not really "oneitis" since i am dating other guys, its just that i cant get him out of my head and really would like to continue seeing him. sorry for the long text, might be worth reading though

this is what happened:

i met a guy (33 years old) over a online-single dating site..he lives 250km away from me..he told me he had been in a relationship of 3 years until a few months ago, his ex however doesnt accept that the relationship is over and continues to persue him, insults him whenever he is online with his single profile etc. and he gives in to meeting "now and then", out of pity.

we had daily contact online/text/sms and he came to my city a couple of days after..had a great time, we have a strong sexual attraction, would kiss endlessly the whole night..because i am living with my sister i didnt take him home, instead we went out the whole night, until the morning, i actually liked that circumstance, i didnt want to have sex right away. we met again the day after and yet again at the end of the week where he visited me and we had another nice night of endless making out without landing in bed.

the week after it was my turn to visit him at his place. we had great sex, i didnt spend the night there however due to inconvinient circumstances on my side, so i took the last train back. the weird thing however was that a common friend of his and his ex called him whilst i was there, he told me to be quiet before he answered the call , he was worried the friend might tell the ex that someone is/was there which might cause drama.

due to a very bad (nearly traumatic) experience with the last guy i dated, i became very suspicious person and probably have trust issues. i created another online profile to see if he would be willing to meet up with other people (he always claimed to be "the old fashioned type" who wouldnt do that)..he swallowed the bait and i revealed my identity. he was apologetic at first and tried to explain that he was just flirting. the day after however, he got pissed that he was tested and it dissapointed him and the whole "powergame" sort of reversed.

we continued to have nice contact , but didnt see each other until 12 days after that.

he decided to visit me again, our plan was that he would spend the night at one of his friends place on the first night, and that we would spend the second night tgether at my place (my sister would be at her boyfriends place then, so we would be alone). once we met he decided that he already wanted to spend the first night together with me so we took a hotel, he is a student and has financial difficulties, so i thought that was a nice move. we had great sex..the weird thing however was that although there was great attraction between us and although he never really kept a distance, he never cuddled with me...it just never happened..not that evening and not the evening where i visited him. he couldnt sleep at all that night, apparantly i snore

after breakfast the plan was to go to my place and to take a nap because of his sleep-deficit..upon arriving there he instantly lied down..however my sister arrived unexpectedly for another 2 hours before she finally left and that again prevented him from getting sleep. so we went for a walk whilst she was there. upon going back after she left he told me that he probably would be leaving the same day to get more rest and that he would take the last train. that was a huge dissapointment, i didnt cause a fuss, but it had an impact on the SPAM. upon arriving we landed in bed again, had sex and both fell asleep...he woke up and in a very rushed action left rather hastly to get the before-last train, which i thought was really weird. he sent me a text from the train and wished me a nice evening.

the day after he got in touch with me and told me that he had a think about us and said that the whole long distance situation is not what he is looking for..that he couldnt always see me, that there were times where he wanted to see me but we couldnt ( i was playing hard to get) and that the whole fake-profile stunt didnt make the whole thing better.. he told me what he liked about me, but claimed that it just wasnt right at this stage. so he asked me whether we could remain in (daily) contact as friends. i told him that that was ok and that it wasnt tragic, but rather unfortunate. 30 min later i asked myself why i agreed on something that i didnt want..so i texted him and told him that i wasnt honest in my response, that i dont think friendship will work since i still would be interested in getting to know him /dating him without any artificial boundaries..so i wished him well and all the best. the text was very easy going, no hard feelings and it was on a very light note. he texted back saying that he really thinks that i am someone unique and that it might not only be the distance, but that he might not be ready for something new yet and wished me all the best.

i really was angry at myself..not only because of my fake profile stunt but also because i wasnt my old self whlst we dated, i was very reserved/hard to get, declined to meet him twice, although i could and would have... so in other words: he didnt really get a glimpse of how long distance could work/how it could have been, i never even tried to meet a lot, so things could have been a lot better and he got the wrong impression of what we could have had in terms of spending time with each other..

so my original plan was to get in touch again after a month or so, just to hang out and do something fun and see what happens..

however things devoped differently: 2 weeks after he "broke up" our dating, we stumbled across each other in a club in my city..he came up to me, greeted me and immediately drew my attention to the fact that he wasnt alone..he was there with his "ex" (who really just is your average joe)and another friend..."my ex doesnt know about us!"
i injected humor into the situation and told him that i wouldnt know him for the rest of the evening..i asked him whether they were having a "revival" and he said: "no its just the usual situation....well...lets see, maybe eventually.."

during the night he came over to me twice whenever the ex wasnt around and tried to have a conversation with me, but that didnt work since friends were around me that interrupted and i was there with another guy..so we only exchanged a few sentences, i was friendly however...but ignored him the rest of the evening, danced a lot and had my fun on the dancefloor..

2 days later he texted me and told me that it was really nice seeing me, asked me how i was and hoped that next time would be longer. answered him in a friendly way and he responded by wishing me a nice evening.

upon doing some research it turns out that his ex has "i have a partner" in the single status of the internet profile, meaning that whatever is going on between them is something like a constant on-off relationship or something pretty messy.. i mean would you continue meeting your ex if she is in denial about the relationship status??!

due to the fact that everything is very complicated i am very hesitant about getting in touch and i wont...so its not oneitis, its just that i cant fully get him out of my head and its bothering me when i date other guys...its always there.. i really would like to get to know him better and cant get rid of that crave..

my questions:

1) general advice?
2) how should i react the next time i see him at a club?
3) on the one hand i dont want to complicate things by asking him about what exactly is going on with him and the ex / what the current status is.. on the other hand i would like to know exactly that before entering anything flirtacious with him again.


i am very muddled..



thanks for reading through!

THATS A LONGGGGGGGGGGG STORY

Now i dont wanna sound horrible but........... you have so many issues!! if i met a girl like that i would be running straight after the fake profile stunt!! and the other issues you voiced on the forum seems you like this guy ALOT more than you think. Your not with him but ur like crazy over his ex n blah blah blah.

From a guys opinion your coming off as one of those crazy girls (the ones we run from) So either tone it down, chill out, play hard to get act like you dont mind what he chooses either way, THATS ATTRACTIVE. But tbh i think uve already shot it dead with the whole profile thing.

sorry if i missed anything out that u mentioned, i just scanned through your post not read it in great detail.

thanks for the response!

yes the fake profile stunt was stupid, im never did something like that before, but as mentioned, my last dating experience somewhat left a negative impact after telling him what happened and why i did that he could understand it and its not that what ended everything, it probably just added to losing attraction/interest along with the messed up weekend we spent together.

i wasnt obsessing over the ex, its just upon seeing them at the club that i wanted to collect info behind the scene just to see what the hell is going on, i think thats very plausible..because its rather clear that they werent/arent as apart as he had claimed, so he wasnt being entirely honest (with himself?)

there is nothing to tone down! throughout the whole dating i hardly ever initiated meeting, calling or anything else..and since breaking up the dating i never got in contact, i just responded to the sms he sent, as mentioned above..

Mmmmm u did alright but when you "find out whats going on behind the scenes" (how does that sound lol) it just seems like your more invested. Well our brains obviously differ cos your a girl n im a guy. Guys would not even bother doing all the digging, but obviously depends what your looking for.

Im sure your normal and not a crazy girl! lol

Just completely freeze him out dont reply to any txt!!, you can do better, just think of him with his ex or w/e to get him out of your head (not sure this works for girls).

Thats all i got lol

why wouldnt i reply to his text? its not that i have "oneitis" and am trying to get him out of my head, i am checking out other guys..its just that i was really into him and really would like to continue where we left off, just on the right premises, meaning that i would stop being distrustful and that he has his single-status sorted out. but its nothing that i would initiate right now because i dont wont to chase after him and also think that he needs to sort out his ex-issue, thats probably what he meant with "maybe i`m not ready for something new"...

my problem:

what if i stumble across him at the club again? obviously we will have a friendly chat..but does the idea of "meeting" again have to come from him, or is it something i could suggest? and then the problem with the "ex"..its something i would want to adress/bring up because i dont want to enter a messy situation, but bringing that issue up will destroy the SPAM and will make everything seem complicated again..

Yeah yea that issue will be messy!!

And no you cant suggest meeting up!! wait for him.

When /if he does ask then you should say it to him straight "well that depends on if you've sorted out x-x-x-x-!" Dont give him anything til your sure.

I said about not texting because you said you want him out of your head..... so you should break contact, but like you said, u would like to carry things on. Its delicate so dont go mad into the whole ex thing be suttle about it.

Well the only reason I would continue to see my ex is to sleep with her and nothing more so there's a good chance thats what he's doing. Also, how far do you guys live apart? cause if it takes around 2 hours or more for him to get to you then it makes things really difficult and playing hard to get in a long distance relationship is very risky.

It sounds to me like he was annoyed by not being able to see you when he wanted even though he acted nice in his message. Also, being a student with not much money makes things worse when he has to travel far away to see a girl but thats not your fault, just saying other factors could have contributed to what happened.

You should try to move on if nothing is gonna happen.

PS. it seems like you're becoming just like his other ex lol although not as extreme