| Last night I sent my one-itis a hilarious video with pictures of me and her to the song "You’re the one that I want". After watching the video she calls me and says it was so funny let’s hang out tomorrow.
So, I hung out with Kate today at school - my one-itis. I tried some of gamblers moves. We were sitting in the grass and I put my leg next to her. She goes "personal space" then moves it away. I try to touch her leg; she pulls her leg away from me. I was confused. I try to play it cool, but I'm just so damn boring in person. On face book I am slamming jokes super confident and cocky, but in person when I'm around Kate its like I just don't want to talk. I try my hardest to be cool, but I can't.
I think the problem started over a year ago when I prejudged her. I thought she was the type of girl I would want to have in my life. And I was right. She helped me out so much. I really want to be more than friends, but honestly I don't know why. I'm just horney and I want to fuck, but I'm scared to fuck other girls because Kate might not talk to me anymore. But since we are not together it doesn't really matter. I'm also scared that dating other girls will take up my time away from Kate - if she ever decides to call. But since Kate isn't interested, I don't have anything to worry about.
I'm afraid that I act boring because in my mind I care for her so much more than she cares for me. So anytime she says something like "I don't date anymore" the reason she is saying that is because she wants to let me know she is for me. But I don't know if she has an underlying motive for saying that. It's all in my mind!
I wish I had a handle on the situation. I am frustrated. I never have been able to get with a girl that is super HOT. I get girls who are average, and very easily. I feel the only reason I get them is because I don’t care about them. Isn't it funny? The girls I want I can't get, the ones I don't want- I get. It’s quite a terrible situation really.
Mostly I think the reason why I fucked it up with Kate over our "hang out" time was because I wanted something from her, and she felt it. Honestly there is no reason for us to hang out unless we are partying or at a bar. She gives me a chance to "hang out" with her and its boring. I don't do anything like I normally do with the other girls. I just sit there and listen to her, but she doesn't talk - So fucking boring.
It's best that I move on. It's the only thing I can do. I'm so sure of it now. There are no other possibilities. I have just become obsessed with her. I want her so bad I can't even function. Some times I can't sleep or anything. The worst part is that she doesn't feel the same way about me. After my video expressing my love in a hilarious way she still didn't bite. I'm beginning to think maybe our personalities don't match. I wish I had a straight head when it comes to girls.
In business and school I can function well, but with girls I can not. I am trying to figure out how to get a HOT girl I can marry, but shit man. WTF is wrong with me. I only get girls I don’t want! Plus sometimes HOT girls who are bitches to me make me feel terrible about myself. Then when I can't function around the girl that I love it just sucks. For some reason I feel like this is everyone’s life. And girls are taking up from my school time. I got a 65% on my Spanish test. I am going to have to study much more and much harder. Spanish is going to kill me. I am being so lazy this semester. I am waiting to hear back from my 4 year college (I'm a transfer student). So I got all this shit on my plate and the last thing I want to do is spend days focusing on girls. But I feel like it is so important and honestly I just started trying to get good girls about 4 years ago. Before I used to see slutty girls.
I got a girl coming over tonight. Her name it Whitney. She is about a 4. She smokes a lot of weed, and never talks to anyone. So I'm going to have her help me practice gamblers moves, so I can use them more effectively, on other women, without being nervous. She won’t tell anyone and maybe I can get a fuck out of it. Well it all depends on my actions. If I'm nervous and I WANT to fuck Whitney then she probably wont let me. If I don't give a shit she will probably throw herself on me, and I won’t allow myself to fuck her because it will be a turn off. FML
What can I do about this sexual predicament with women I have? I guess I can go slower. That seems to help. Weeks of seeing girls for longer periods of time help to break down the physical barriers, but they have me set in their minds as fucks already. It’s like I am who I am, and they make the decision. It’s impossible for me to change it. Well I can change my perception, but I need to know what I’m doing wrong – if anything.
Then I think about my father. He told my mother how much he cared for her, then she rejected him. So after a long time of trying he got with her by telling her he was getting back with his ex-girlfriend. My mother got jealous and decided to date him. He cheated on her and they divorced 10 years later. But whatever.
Maybe I can tell Katherine I'm going to start dating Nat her best friend. But it won't matter because I'm so weak around Kate. I can't be myself - it could have to do with her guards that she has up, and her lack of having to do anything. Because I am the one putting forth all the effort. I want her so bad I'm willing to do everything. How can I be cool and confident around her? I've always been myself, but she brings out a different side of me- a boring side.
I know Kate fucked one guy named Jack while we were studying abroad in FRANCE. She lost her virginity to him because he is "just like her father". Military man who teased her, and just doesn't give a shit about her. When we got back from FRANCE he transferred away. So I used that to my advantage. I called Jack out on his affection to Kate on face book. And then things got awkward. Jack called Kate once or twice and told her he was jealous of her seeing other guys, so she started ignoring him. Oh, and another thing, Kate is only 20 and her mind is all over the place. She forgets who is important to her, and starts to do things wildly. I guess I am the same way. I'm starting to think that she is a liar. She does come off as superficial. She has a lot of friends though. It’s more important to have friends who you can call on than to be alone and true to who you are- In my opinion. Being alone usually means you are selfish and have to change. You don't have to be superficial, but you do have to make a lot of sacrifices.
Maybe I should ask Jack for advice on what to do with Kate. Since he fucked her already he should know. The only problem is that he is anti-social. He doesn't care about any of us - only himself. And he is lonely often, but unable to bring himself to do anything about it. It's too bad because he would have had a great time with us if he wasn't so damn selfish. He is a great looking guy with a perfect body. Fresh out of the military and he makes straight A's and wants to be a doctor. He's got his shit together, but he is super selfish. But if he wanted he would be welcome home to any of the girls we studied abroad with. Were as me, I have a shot with only two- a hippie and a fat "druid" girl.
So basically I don't know what to do with my life when it comes to women. Maybe I should go see my physiologist. He might have a trick up his sleeve. At least my video got what I had to say off my chest. I told her how I felt in my own way. Still just thinking about how she could change her mind and run back to me because she "feels bad for me" keeps me wanting her. I'm dating 3 other girls, but none of them compare to her. All of them lack good looks. I got a (7) hot body, Protégées with a horse accent. Then a chunky, flame thrower chick that is a circus performer and also sings and plays guitar (6), and a 18 year old tomboy with a hot roommate (4). So it's not like they compare. However her friend Natalie wanted to date me. (7) Blonde white girl. It would be fun to go to Disneyland with her, but she told me LJBF over face book. This doesn’t make any since, because she was All over my nuts at the bar, and the previous two times we meet up. After reading kasabi's post I realized she was just a good girl who had to feel safe and not like a slut. Her name is Nat.
So Nat comes from the same town that Kate does. And they are childhood friends. I know that if I fuck Nat I will probably never have a shot with Kate again. I'm going to have to come to terms with that. I just keep thinking that Kate told me LJBFs because she wants to know that I will be there for her because she doesn't trust me. This is good for her and the reason why I want her so bad. The only problem is that I can not be myself around Kate because I care too much. It's like a job interview. I don't want to say anything wrong. I know that Kasabi told me to be cocky and strong around her, but I cannot. I was able to, at least, demand her to see me over text messaging, and she came.
I feel like if I never give up I will eventually get with her, but I don't want to be used like a tool by her. And I'm not sure if I trust her enough to be there for me if I need her. There are a million girls out there. And I truly value all of them, but I feel like I have worked so hard to be friends with Kate, and now I'm throwing myself at her feet. Like a puppy. It's the worst way to go about it, but at the very least I got what I had to say off my chest. This is why I am writing now. I am just hacking away at the keyboard to express my feelings and to clear my mind.
I need to forget about her. Plus I got a request from my 4 year college. If they accept me I won’t need her. That will be a huge relief. I'm also concerned that if I ever ask her for help again she will think that I'm just trying to trick her into sleeping with me. So by expressing my love for her I have invalidated my trust with her. Which kind of sucks. But still it felt great just to get it over with. Everyone knows how I feel about her know. The video is public. And all of our friends are commenting on it.
Maybe I should remove the video and say Oh copyright infringement because of the song, but that doesn't feel right. I know I Know. I have to forget about her and move on. But I don't want to. Why the fuck not. I know she doesn't want me. But still I’m here hanging around waiting because I don't think I will ever find a girl that is as good as her. That sucks. I have only met one other girl who is like her. Her name is Meredith and she is my best friend.
We grew up together, and Meredith has helped me through so much. I would never make it awkward with Meredith basically because I don't need to. The real question is. Why the fuck do I want to have sex with every single good girl out there. It's like I'm desperate to go higher than my current status. It's like the good girl will bring something into my life that I am lacking. Which is true to a small degree, but I don't need to date a good girl in order to have them affect my life in a positive way. I could be cool with them being friends. That is what Meredith wants me to do. To be friends with lots of girls because I have no idea what the fuck women want or think. And she is 100% right. Its so much easier to be friends with girls than to be their lover. Because after you sleep with them it’s different. I mean some girls are cool without it being ON but most are not. Most girls want to be clingy and shit. At least that is my experience, but I must confess. I don’t know much about high class women. Hell until last week I didn’t even know what a high class person (different class) was. I don’t know much about anything really. There are so many people on this earth, and so much to learn. My brain just hurts from thinking about it.
So now I’m almost 100% positive I have made things awkward between Kate and I by expressing myself to her. It’s so strange that she has not always known. I guess she has but I have never been so blunt about it. They say because I came from and anti-social computer programming background, that is why I am so blunt. My mind works in logical ways. I used to think I was so smart. But after years of college I realized that I am not as smart as many. Spanish homework kills me. And communication is hard, but I am brave. And the hardest part about communication is having the courage to talk to others and express myself.
I am reminded of the movie Rudy. He was courageous with no ability to play football. I feel like I am courageous with no ability to pick up hot chicks or learn Spanish. Sometimes I wonder why I don’t study Math. I am so much better at math, but I really want to have a career in Hollywood, and communication degree is much more valued. So in order to get what I want, I have to do what I don’t want. And that is the story of life. I was taught that the reason why people are successful is because they do what the others wont. That’s how I feel about Katherine. No one is going to get with her, but then Jack already nailed it. It’s because of his personality. But then he just left it.
Then you got Styles relationship and it started because she was so hard to get. My fathers relationship started with my mother because she was hard to get. Playing hard to get builds a serious connection. It’s like the hazing process of most fraternities. They make you bust your ass to get in so once your in you won’t ever quit. That’s what Kate is doing to me. And I fucking love it. I love her. I’m working so hard for her, but she isn’t giving me anything. It fucking sucks how much I care about her, but at the same time I know for sure I am in love.
What is love? Wow that’s a big one. I have asked around for a few times, and the opinions differ. Well I know what it’s not. It’s not quitting. But it seems that before starting a relationship, dedication is counter proactive. It seems that I have to be willing to lose her in order to get her. I doubt very seriously she will ever want me in a romantic way, but I know for sure I can’t just hang around her like a puppy. It’s not really logical or fair to be forced to treat her like shit in order to get her, but I guess I have to do what I want to do.
I have spent about a year telling people not to complain and to take charge. Now here I am being idealistic about the way attraction works. I want it to be smart, logical, and ethical. But reality dictates a different method (at least our PUA reality). Luckily I have found the PUA. Without the PUA I would be an anti-social loser without happiness in my life. Now that I have PUA I am able to understand women, when before I never could.
I am reminded of Britney, a girl who fell in love with me so easily. I never kissed her or anything. Sure I felt a strong connection with her, because she was helping me get laid with another girl. We had a secret bond. Then one day, out of the blue, Britney text messages me expressing her love for me. I was like “I’m a player you don’t want to be fucked and left by me, and since you haven’t been with another guy I wont do that to you” She replied “lol, ok.”
And I lost all interest in her after that. I know that nothing I can do or say will be taken friendly anymore. She took it the wrong way. I know that I could be her everything and that makes me stay away from her. Now I am afraid that Kate will think the same about me. Well it is probably true. Our relationship is probably ruined. But I learned a lot, and I have written it all down. I still don’t know what I am going to do about women. So I guess I’m just going to go with the flow. That’s the recommendation I have heard in the past anyways. If Kate calls me I will probably hop to it like a bunny. If she doesn’t I will probably fuck other girls. One day I will meet the right girl, until then happy fucking.
Sincerely,
Magnum 45
_________________
Walk Hard
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CHAT