"I don't know what to say!"

Probably one of the most common problems in the community, up there with approach anxiety and last minute resistance. This one is huge. I have this bigtime, although it is going away now. So, yeah, I know what it's like, and it sucks. You'll be in a conversation and all you can think of is what to say next. You don't want to say something stupid, you tell yourself that it has to be funny, smart, and has to impress her.

This is a myth. First of all, not everything you say in a conversation has to be funny. In fact, at least half of your conversation should be serious, or at least something other than funny. I could write a whole post on humour (yep, I'm Canadian) in conversations, and I don't want to get too off topic, but you don't want to be the dancing monkey. Humour is extremely important in generating attraction, but if all you do is crack jokes and try to make people laugh, you come off as a chode who is trying too hard to get approval and attention, and you are quite honestly just annoying (I am guilty of this).

The one rule you should keep in mind for humour is this:

If you think it is funny, it is. If you don't think it is funny, it isn't. Simple enough. Yes, humour is subjective, and just because you don't think it's funny doesn't mean its not funny to someone else, but if you don't think somethings funny and you say it anyway because you think the other person thinks its funny, it will come off as unnatural and will seem forced, and thus won't be funny to anyone. Simple as that.

But I digress, let's get back to conversations. Right, conversations are hard because of the common "I don't know what to say" problem. Let me tell you something right now that you may have already heard:

It's not what you say, it's what you convey.

The exact words that come out of your mouth don't matter nearly as much as you may think. Some people might think they are excellent conversationalists, and they sure as hell might be, but you could be the best conversationalist in the world and still not generate attraction and have any game at all. You may be in this position as well. A conversation could go pretty well at first glance, but if there are no high stakes, no heat, no attraction, no escalation, and no risk then there is no chance for the relationship to get to a new level.

So, you need to have a goal in a conversation to convey what you want from the interaction. You need to convey that you are sexually interested without saying "I am sexually interested in you." You need to be able to convey attraction and convey value without sacrificing the two.

How do you do this? It's hard to explain, but put simply you need to disconnect yourself from the outcome. This is something that you may have heard before. If you are attached to the outcome, and if you worry too much about the exact words you say, you are digging yourself a whole and you will get no where. Take that from me, I've been doing it for months now.

Detach yourself from the outcome, and remember:

It's not what you say, it's what you convey.

_________________
-Sharplin
My journal:
sharplins-journal-vt84603.html?highlight=

Exactly.

It's now WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it.

As an addendum, be yourself as well, so that way, WHAT you say MATCHES HOW you say it. (I think the term is "congruency"...or something).

Good post Sharplin.

I used to have this problem and i found that the easiest way to not worry what to say is to LISTEN. listening to what they are thinking as well as what they are saying.
Pause a lot, make eye contact, be comfortable not really saying much with them, and try and create a good SPAM this way,
I think when everyone starts they memorise a whole load of routines, go out, use them and then cant work out why there is no attraction.
Its because they arent listening to what the girl is saying and feeding back to her

Practise as you said, and let go of the outcome. Leave your phone at home, and just go out to talk to people

bump it baby.

Good point this relates well to self-amusement, because thats a huge part of being funny and just having fun... humoring yourself....best way to be present and in the moment as well. Best thing to practice imo.

Last night @ the bar I was chatting with this gorgeous blonde that I knew from high school, and kinda of ran out of things to say. We havn't had seen eachother for a few months, so after we "caught up" the conversation hit a lull. I look down, pull the lemon slice off the lip of my beer, then squeeze it into my beer. As I do this I say "i love lemons, heh, lemons are fun and add such a vibrant flavor to your mouth.. they can make me look extra asian too"...she starts cracking up cause i've got this huge smile and was basically self-amusing myself. We then talk about what we use lemons in, such as tea, lemon pie, fish, etc. Then discuss our fav type of fish, etc.

Last night I had fun with this cutie wearing a skimpy cheetah print top.. I walked over asap and said "you look like a cheetah, RAWR!" and laughed so hard on the inside

i was conveying a fun vibe