Ok, for full backstory maybe read this thread: girl-afraid-of-getting-too-close-vt5917 ... highlight=

Now, after the drunken text messages at the end of that thread I felt even worse because of the stupid ass shit I had said so I decided to send her an email. Unfortunately, the email probably didn't do much better and I may have gone overboard with listing reasons why we should be together and such.

Her reply was basically to say a few things to hurt me, that I was being creepy and that she never wanted to speak to me again and didn't even want to be friends anymore.

The thing is, I'm pretty damn sure she cared about me quite a bit and really DID break up with me because we were getting too close. I think she said the things to hurt me in order to force me to move on, and/or because she was upset. I don't feel like a few texts and an email less than a week after getting dumped is really all THAT overboard, is it? It's not like I was calling her every day, or standing on her lawn with a huge radio or something anyway...

Anyway, I've been trying to move on and it's been 3 weeks. Nothing from her, of course.

There are a couple things I'm thinking:

1) I feel bad about upsetting her, I know I handled the breakup badly and I feel bad about that
2) I want to maintain contact with her so that when she comes back we might be able to take another shot
3) She may be missing me too at this point, but assumes I haven't contacted her because I believed the hurtful things she said. (She implied she cheated on me, among other things.) So she might be afraid to take a first step...


I've been wanting to just send her a very short apology, along the lines of:

"I'm sorry I didn't handle the breakup better. I really didn't understand that it would upset you so much. I know this is no excuse, but please remember that all of this relationship stuff is still very new to me. I hope you can forgive me one day."

Maybe sending her that on a card (she likes cards.)

So thoughts? I think my main concern is that it might make things worse if it comes off as pressuring her even more...

What you want to do is make her smile when she reads it not just an apology e.g. a nice call back


For example if you remember a time when she got scared in the cinema you could include in your card: " . . . . And mabye we could see a film again, like before, best not a scary one though "

Like that, then she thinks of all the good time syou had and now refers to you in her head in a positive way. but after 3 weeks she may have gone too stale to throw to the ducks.

Punish her.

And remember, there are more fish in the pond.

@RockyD: I think it's important that I don't come off as trying to get back together with her... so suggesting any semblence of seeing each other might be a bad idea. Want to come off as feeling bad and knowing I made a mistake, not desperate for her company right?

Maybe I could add "If not, I guess we'll always have..."



Alsex: Punish her how? Not talking to her is what she wants right now. Or at least what she said she wants...

I know there are other fish. I'm trying to line one up for this weekend... but not quite ready to give up on this one yet.

I guess part of the question is whether I really was going overboard in just contacting her, or if she was upset by the things I was saying? I mean, a simple apology like this wouldn't piss her off more just because I contacted her would it?

Also when we went out for her birthday, she didn't like any of the desserts at the restaurant and we ended up driving around but nothing was open for us to get dessert. So thinking maybe as an attempt to reconnect to a pleasant memory and make her smile I could end with "Maybe one day we can finally get you that birthday dessert..."

Thoughts?

For responding like a person when confronted by a creepy dude?

But is there a recovery for me? I'd like to think she'd make some allowance for knowing what I'm going through with this stuff. Just like I'm making allowances for her because I know about her issues...

^ What is it with us guys and our need for verbal confirmation? Guys ANNOUNCE to the room when they want to shit, eat, sleep, walk . . . and we expect the room to go, "Alright man, squeeze it out buddy . . ." Is it due to growing up with team sports? Is it because we're taught to FOLLOW directions? "On two! On two! Hut hut!!"

You need to understand that women might announce to the room, "Hey, I'm going shopping for socks." - Then she might go grab a salad and forget about the socks all together.

Men tend to verbally confirm prior to action. (Are we boyfriends/girlfriends or what?) Then spring into action (Now we may kiss)

Girls tend to follow their emotions. (Kiss)
Then verbally confirm ... "So are we boyfriends/girlfriends or what?"

You're cornering this poor girl with your barrage of talk, talk, talk. . . God Damn . . . let the poor girl breathe. She doesn't want to hear you about your plans to "shit, walk, sleep, forgive, forgave, want this, want that, are we this or that?" - meanwhile, you haven't done jack shit. If you want to shit, just grab the freaking newspaper, go to the bathroom, pull your pants down, and squeeze that log out.

Err...

So I should just send the card instead of asking you guys about it?
Or I should NOT send the card because she doesn't want to hear more talking?

Sorry... your analogy kind of confused me...

As for confirming with the "team" well... I talked to a few friends before I texted her (I had pretty much intended to text her the first couple messages, but nothing afterwards) and everyone recommended against it. I went with my gut and it turned out to be the worst possible thing to do... (well, except for showing up on her lawn blasting love songs I guess, but I didn't do that sooooo...)

So confirming this time because I really obviously have no clue and don't want to trust my gut again. Kind of deferring to the experts this time...

just go damage control. leave her alone for a while. then a few days or weeks later. talk to her again, like nothing's ever happened

Good God man, get a grip!

You're obviously going through the painful phase of ones life that follows a break up with a person that you really cared for- in your case it sounds like you loved her.

However someone has to say this, and I'm surprised Kasabi didn't.

MAN UP!!!

If you carry on in this fashion, you are only going to alienate yourself further, and further deepen your depression.

Judging from your information your mind is frantically trying to find a solution to a problem that it can't solve. I know the feeling, one is prepared to do anything to get her back, to get that feeling of being special and amazing back.

Well now you've quite possibly moved into the phase in which you look for closure.

think about this carefully.

YOU CAN NEVER HAVE CLOSURE WITHOUT FIRST CLOSING.

You need to end your relationship with this girl, it's over between you in the world, now end it in your head.
You are beating yourself up over this, and it's not helping anyone.

ANY ACTION THAT ANYONE MAKES IS FOR SELF BENEFIT. A PERSON WILL ONLY EVER DO SOMETHING IF IT MAKES THEM HAPPY.

This is not amoral, it's simply the truth. This girl has done what she needs to to be happy, now it's your turn.

Don't send the girl a God damned card, how on earth will that help? This is over in her head, you're just gonna build yourself up for disappointment.

Stop thinking about her, just stop, this is bloody hard because it takes control, but this is something that every man should learn. Control.

You also seem to be linking your insecurities and emotional issues to your virginity. this could cause you many problems in the future, like PE.
Physicality with a women is only one aspect of your relationship with her, it's not as if after sex everything changes, all problems go away, and you're free.
It's just one form of physical interaction!

After reading your original thread and now this, all I have to say is WAKE UP!!!

MAN UP!!! Forget this chick man. She doesn't want you, and you are really sounding like an AFC big time. This girl never respected you. She isn't attracted to you. It's over. Time to move on.

You have classic oneitis. Forget the fairy tale romance.

_________________
Evil will always triumph over good, because good is dumb.

Do women frequently promise to take a guys virginity when they aren't attracted and don't respect or even like a guy? Do they text him when he's out with friends, so he's thinking about her instead of hitting on women?

I know she cared about me, I know she broke it off because that scared her.

The question is what, if anything, there is to do about it.

@Bunburry:

But what makes her happy? She often spoke of how she would hermit herself up and not date because she enjoyed being single. Then she meets me and suddenly we're dating. I think I made her happy before she realized that in a few weeks she'd be forced to lose me...

Honestly, I think she was starting to think about not going into the National Guard so that we could be together and since she has put her life on hold for other guys, then gotten screwed over, chose against that. The smart choice, really... but not necessarily the happy one.

She's gone for now, but I'm trying to take a long term view on this and lay some sort of groundwork so that when she comes back nearly a year from now we might be able to try this again.

I'm not even just waiting on her, I just got back from a "hanging out" actually...

Dude just a tip, I read the posts but found them to be a bit confusing. About lack of contact if the girl really felt in love with you give her time, you know I lost girls to learn this one. Still you said there have been already 3 weeks and I would be afraid if she likes you she will make some form of contact. Also in crysis situatuions avoid eletronic convos, at least phone. To fix personal problems be personal, a missplace comma can bring you MAJOR headaches in emails, sms, SPAM, msn whatever. Just my 2 cents.

Not saying you're wrong, but a misplaced comma was the LEAST of my worries with the crap I sent her.